Members guildfire Posted December 17, 2008 Members Share Posted December 17, 2008 Keep talking to her about this. If that fails, you need to make a decision which/who is going to go and stay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stormin1155 Posted December 17, 2008 Members Share Posted December 17, 2008 Let me get this right.Your wife tried to destroy your steel vice... with your home-made electric guitar?!Tell me she's out of the picture! :poke: Well, it could have been vice versa, but regardless, that was one of the final straws.... yes she is completely out of the picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members guildfire Posted December 17, 2008 Members Share Posted December 17, 2008 If it was a Tele, no worries, they are pretty tough to kill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kwakatak Posted December 17, 2008 Members Share Posted December 17, 2008 Jeez, I feel for you but yeah you gotta make a stand. Don't listen to me though. I'm "overly-domesticated" too. Probably not as bad though I make it a point to play as little as possible around my wife. It doesn't pay to slack off around the boss. BTW, mine doesn't so much get jealous as much as just can't help but be manipulative. She's a neat-freak so if there's anything out of sorts and she sees me goofing off (i.e. playing on the computer or playing guitar) then she gives me grief for slacking. I try and counter it by playing during the day with the guitar strap on (so that I can rove about the house while the little ones are playing and/or getting into stuff) or late at night (quietly) while the rest of the family is asleep. We all make our compromises. I choose to do without sleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jamesp Posted December 17, 2008 Members Share Posted December 17, 2008 Breaking guitars... that is a vice. ~Musical interlude~ [YOUTUBE]sGjAqlE2DAU[/YOUTUBE] Being newbie-weds isn't easy. IME it does get easier. I also think the right gal is worth some trouble. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DeepEnd Posted December 17, 2008 Members Share Posted December 17, 2008 I don't know you or your wife, so my opinion is basically worthless...but you need to take a stand and calmly but firmly explain to your wife that you enjoy playing guitar and will continue to do so. Tell her that you are open to discussion as to how much time you play or when you play or how loudly you play or whether she would like to participate on piano or vocals or whatever. Then reiterate that what is not up for discussion is whether you can spend a reasonable amount of time doing something you love. From your description, it sounds like she views your playing guitar as choosing to do something else over being with her. It has nothing to do with the guitar, it has to do with the choice, and you'd be in the same boat if your hobby were model airplane building or oil painting or whathaveyou. If she is unable to come to terms with that, perhaps you and she should seek marriage counseling...because I'm telling you, this is a dangerous path to go down. I've been with girls like this when I was younger and it is bad bad news if you don't take a stand right now. +1 My wife and I have been married for just over 23 years and that's the advice I'd give. I'm pretty much a doormat most of the time but occasionally you have to stand up and say "No." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Terry Allan Hall Posted December 17, 2008 Members Share Posted December 17, 2008 Anyone have problems with their significant other being jealous of your guitar(s)?I have in the past. My wife (then fiancee) told me that she felt I had a connection with my guitar that I did not have with her. I told her that was true, because it is a musical instrument and she is not, but I also have a lot of connections with her that I don't have with my guitar because she is a human being and the person I love most. She also said she felt like that the guitar was kind of like another woman.For a while she would get upset or sad everytime I picked up the guitar. I would try to play when she wasn't there, but that was difficult to do before she got a job because she was always there, and I need to play some. I will play to relieve stress, but I avoided doing that after a fight so she wouldn't feel like I was going to it to avoid her.Her problems with the guitar stopped a few months before we got married, and I thought she was over her issues with it. As mention in some of my other posts, she had a vocal concert, and I strummed acoustic on her solo song. However, in the weeks preceding the concert, she was consistently trying to sabotage me. When I was trying to work out a guitar arrangement of the song on the computer, she would take over the computer and then type in the piano music for the song on my file, undoing my work. Whenever I tried to practice, she would say we needed to go somewhere to do something, and she would only ask to do to something whenever I tried to grab my guitar. I don't think the stuff she did was intentional.I came right out and asked her if she wanted me to play on her song and why she was trying to sabotage me. She said she did want me to play and she didn't want me to play. She said that she was getting jealous again because I was spending more time with my guitar (due to her efforts I actually spent less time with my guitar and more time trying to practice on my guitar). She also said that she was afraid that if I played live that i would like it and want to do it again, which means bars, and groupies might get me. Sorry, but I'm neither that charismatic or good looking.I told her that playing mostly acoustic likely means more coffee houses than bars, plus even if I was in a band that had groupies, they wouldn't go after me, and if they wouldn't get anywhere. My wife is very beautiful and anyone else would be a downgrade, and besides that I love her and no one else.However, she still is insecure and still gets jealous and upset if I spend any significant time with my guitar (more than 3 hours a week). I've tried to talk with her, trying to reassure her there is no reason to be jealous. I have a hard time seeing me not playing guitar, but I know I couldn't live without her. I can't fall asleep unless she is in the bed, and I miss her after a few hours apart. She knows those things but she is still insecure.Any advice on this situation? Point out that many musicians, when forced to choose between their guitar and their SO, have helped the SO pack...and ask her if she'll need help packing. Hopefully this reality check'll work...if not, it's better to get it over with now, because the situation will probably not get better, and there's no reason to be miserable over her immaturity! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhancox Posted December 17, 2008 Members Share Posted December 17, 2008 +1 My wife and I have been married for just over 23 years and that's the advice I'd give. I'm pretty much a doormat most of the time but occasionally you have to stand up and say "No." Doormat sounds too submissive, which, in most cases, is probably a bad description.The old saying of "When mama's happy, everyone's happy" has some truth to it. I'm not talking about every man giving in to their wife, or even the other way around. I think of it more as doing what it takes to make each other happy.My dad was a very quiet and accomodating man. While he never made a fuss over things, my mom made sure he was thought of first, by everyone in the house. I am very much the same way, in that I'm pretty much agreeable to whatever my wife wants or wants to do. At the same time, she thinks of me before herself.So, it's not about being submissive to the point of being (for the lack of a better term) {censored}-whipped, it's about treating your spouse how you want to be treated. I don't want an argument everytime I want, or do, something, and I don't think it's fair to impose my will on whatever my wife wants to do.So, just because I'm agreeable to everything my wife wants, doesn't make me a doormat. Because as soon as my desires/wants/needs are opposed, then I'm no longer agreeable.Anybody have change for a nickle? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members OldGuitarPlayer Posted December 17, 2008 Members Share Posted December 17, 2008 Well...my ex-wife never had any issues about my guitar playing since: 1) I played lead guitar in a gigging band while we where married (extra money). 2) She also played guitar and could read music. I really can't offer any advice other than don't let this hurt your marriage. I am not sure how long you have been playing guitar but I have been playing seriously since I was 16 years old (gigging). I am now 46 and no woman is ever going to come between me and my axe. I will retire it when I choose to or when I die. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Belva Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 If I offended anyone with my "how guitars are better than spouses", please accept my apology. I did live thru what this man is experiencing. And I did give up the guitars. But it was one thing after another. She wanted me to have no outside interests. Trouble is I kept it inside. And when it built up too much I would explode over something trivial. I wasn't a drinking man, but became one. Sheri & I have been divorced for 8 years. Take a stand now or you could literally be risking your life. The grace of God and a bad (drunk) accident got me sober. This aint no party, This aint no disco............... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Brokepick Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 ... I did live thru what this man is experiencing. And I did give up the guitars. But it was one thing after another. She wanted me to have no outside interests....Yep. Sounds like where this will go if it isn't stopped. This aint no party, This aint no disco...............This ain't Dallas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members totamus Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 I put up with a similar situation for wayyy too long. In the end she wound up being the ex Mrs. Totamus. My mistake was letting it take so long... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Samilyn Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 You tell that woman that this woman says to get her head screwed on straight and start treating her man right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members NotDead Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 You tell that woman that this woman says to get her head screwed on straight and start treating her man right. I'll back that up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members asatnutz Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 Let her spend some quality time with it alone. She'll figure it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members asatnutz Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 She has recently taken over a few chores when I haven't been able to do them when I've been to busy with work and college. I told her that I was feeling more like a parent than a husband making all her food, washing all the clothes, washing all the dishes, cleaning the apartment, and reminding her to take her birth control pill. That and I don't always have all the energy or time to do all the things on top of my other obligations. She understood and started doing things without any complaint.She does know she has some growing up to do. She has trouble putting herself in another person's place, gets angry easily, and likes to hand off responsibilty to others. She also likes to put her needs ahead of mine. A good example would be when we were watching a crime drama, and the episode was about a pedophile. That made me uncomfortable because I was molested as a child. I asked her to change the channel, but she said no because she wanted to see how the story ended, and she got mad when I went into another room because she wanted me to be with her. She was thinking of things just from her point of view and didn't consider mine. After I framed for her how I felt she understood, but I usually don't get that chance until after she gets mad at me (at first she claimed I was being inconsiderate of what she wanted).So far only her shortcomings have been listed, but she really is a basically a wonderful and loving person, she just has a number of issues. You're Kidding Right? Throw her out...........Time to stop making excuse's for her and worrying about being alone...................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gary Palmer Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 Marriage is about sharing 50:50 and it takes more than one person to make a such a partnership work or fail. In light of what you've described, your wife is behaving unreasonably in too many ways and there's no excuse for such behaviour. My impression is that if you'd treat her in the way she treats you she'd no doubt walk out on the relationship and - in all honesty - your present stance says quite a lot about your good character, but can you seriously imagine living with her under the same conditions and restrictions for the next ten, twenty or thirty years? Truth be known I'm so laid back it's often said I'm almost asleep. I'm an easy going type, but can be assertive when need be and know guitar - regardless of what it means to me - isn't anywhere near as important to me as my wife and children. Given no choice I'd drop it and anything else from my life if need be and my wife knows that, but she'd be just as willing to do the same. I'm fortunate in knowing it's something she'd never become jealous over or expect and we demand nothing of each other. She loves clothes, jewellery, eating out and girly things and I enjoy the outdoors, hunting, fishing, playing guitar and so on, but we have this middle ground we share and that's what makes our marriage work. I disappear into my workshop at every given opportunity (Most of the time), but she and my children know I'll always be there for the important things and often spend time with me anyway. We're together because we want to be together and know the surest way of crippling a relationship is when placing demands on one another. You need to talk and work things out properly before the situation worsens, because - if you don't and regardless of how much you may love your wife/partner - it will get worse and you will either divorce or have an extremely unhappy future together. This situation will eventually wear you down to the point of no return if you let it - if it hasn't done so already - and you appear to be worth a damn sight more than she's apparently giving you credit for. I suggest you continue trying, but need to have a serious talk with her and try agreeing upon laying down a few rules that both of you can agree upon whilst dealing with issues head on instead of bypassing them. Marriage isn't about trying to change the two individuals who originally met. It is about mutual love, consideration, sharing, respect, trust, giving and can often involve one heck of a lot of compromise, but depends heavily on communication. Especially once children enter the equation, but just as applicable before they come along. I know it hurts to think about it, but if you can't resolve your present conflicts the only sensible solution would be for you to part company and find someone better suited for the sake of happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhancox Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 Marriage is about sharing 50:50 and it takes more than one person to make a such a partnership work or fail. In light of what you've described, your wife is behaving unreasonably in too many ways and there's no excuse for such behaviour. My impression is that if you'd treat her in the way she treats you she'd no doubt walk out on the relationship and - in all honesty - your present stance says quite a lot about your good character, but can you seriously imagine living with her under the same conditions and restrictions for the next ten, twenty or thirty years? Truth be known I'm so laid back it's often said I'm almost asleep. I'm an easy going type, but can be assertive when need be and know guitar - regardless of what it means to me - isn't anywhere near as important to me as my wife and children. Given no choice I'd drop it and anything else from my life if need be and my wife knows that, but she'd be just as willing to do the same. I'm fortunate in knowing it's something she'd never become jealous over or expect and we demand nothing of each other. She loves clothes, jewellery, eating out and girly things and I enjoy the outdoors, hunting, fishing, playing guitar and so on, but we have this middle ground we share and that's what makes our marriage work. I disappear into my workshop at every given opportunity (Most of the time), but she and my children know I'll always be there for the important things and often spend time with me anyway. We're together because we want to be together and know the surest way of crippling a relationship is when placing demands on one another. You need to talk and work things out properly before the situation worsens, because - if you don't and regardless of how much you may love your wife/partner - it will get worse and you will either divorce or have an extremely unhappy future together. This situation will eventually wear you down to the point of no return if you let it - if it hasn't done so already - and you appear to be worth a damn sight more than she's apparently giving you credit for. I suggest you continue trying, but need to have a serious talk with her and try agreeing upon laying down a few rules that both of you can agree upon whilst dealing with issues head on instead of bypassing them. Marriage isn't about trying to change the two individuals who originally met. It is about mutual love, consideration, sharing, respect, trust, giving and can often involve one heck of a lot of compromise, but depends heavily on communication. Especially once children enter the equation, but just as applicable before they come along. I know it hurts to think about it, but if you can't resolve your present conflicts the only sensible solution would be for you to part company and find someone better suited for the sake of happiness. What he said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kwakatak Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 Well, I'm gonna refrain from giving (too much) advice here lest my own wife chime in and expose me for being the forgetful, absent-minded and generally lazy louse that I am but I'd just like to observe that it seems like at least you and your wife are talking about it. OK, so I can't resist giving a little advice but if you feel like you two are not - or even if you don't think that you're talking about it enough - then seek professional counseling. I know I'm gonna catch hell for this, but I wouldn't complain about it behind her back either (though I've been known to, so I'm being a hypocrite here) and instead should meet the problem head-on. Now if only I had the stones to follow my own advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HarleyGator Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 Show her this video and hope she knows the words to the song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Samilyn Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 This situation isn't about just guitars, so I'll add the following: Don't stay in a less-than-happy relationship for the sake of money or possessions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members outdoorgb Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 Show her this video and hope she knows the words to the song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-TxDAVP08o :D:D:D:D:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DarkHorseJ27 Posted December 18, 2008 Author Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 I've talked to her again. She knows and admits that she can be insecure, and that she tends to think of herself and has trouble thinking of others, and she wants to change that. She has been much better about those things than she has been in the past. And this most recent conversation was much quieter than past ones.I'm not really a doormat, I'm just easy going. On most things I don't care or don't mind, but I do put my foot down when it is something important. This has just been the only thing that she still has a problem with.I have made stands in the past, just that the problem has seem to persisted.She does say she enjoys listening to me play, she just says she just also wants the attention on her, but she realizes the situation is not much different that she is playing video games. She also realizes that I have done much more in the way of compromise than she has.One thing she told me is that she has a hard time putting herself in other peoples' shoes and seeing their point of view (I think it has something do with her parents bringing her up as a boy). She said I'll just have to frame things for her for a while. She also said whenever I try to talk to her, that I am too nice and need to be, for the lack of a better term, more forceful.One thing I'm thinking of doing is starting a band, because I am interested in playing out and making some extra money. I was thinking of having her in it because she is a competent singer and once she gets keyboards down what would be a welcome addition (she has real talent for it, just lack disclipine). One a lighter note, she made a humorous observation the other night. She says she like the man in the relationship and I am like the woman. I do the cooking and cleaning, I always want to talk, I nag her to clean up after herself, and she likes the sit back in her recliner and watch tv and play video games. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DarkHorseJ27 Posted December 18, 2008 Author Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 You're Kidding Right? Throw her out...........Time to stop making excuse's for her and worrying about being alone...................... Congratulations on being the first person ever put on my ignore list. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhancox Posted December 18, 2008 Members Share Posted December 18, 2008 That's great to hear, Darkhorse. If she is truely sincere and she doesn't mind a reminder now and then, even a forceful one, then things will definitely work out. I think you're on to something with the band idea too. Before you even get that far, you could start involving her in your guitar playing by learning songs she can sing to. You share the same passion for music so you can be her motivator by getting her off the couch and sitting with you learning some songs together. Before you know it, you'll have a vast repitiore (sp?) from which to start your band. Here's wishing you a happier holiday and great new year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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