Significant other jealous of guitar

[DarkHorseJ27]

Anyone have problems with their significant other being jealous of your guitar(s)?

 

I have in the past. My wife (then fiancee) told me that she felt I had a connection with my guitar that I did not have with her. I told her that was true, because it is a musical instrument and she is not, but I also have a lot of connections with her that I don't have with my guitar because she is a human being and the person I love most. She also said she felt like that the guitar was kind of like another woman.

 

For a while she would get upset or sad everytime I picked up the guitar. I would try to play when she wasn't there, but that was difficult to do before she got a job because she was always there, and I need to play some. I will play to relieve stress, but I avoided doing that after a fight so she wouldn't feel like I was going to it to avoid her.

 

Her problems with the guitar stopped a few months before we got married, and I thought she was over her issues with it. As mention in some of my other posts, she had a vocal concert, and I strummed acoustic on her solo song. However, in the weeks preceding the concert, she was consistently trying to sabotage me. When I was trying to work out a guitar arrangement of the song on the computer, she would take over the computer and then type in the piano music for the song on my file, undoing my work. Whenever I tried to practice, she would say we needed to go somewhere to do something, and she would only ask to do to something whenever I tried to grab my guitar. I don't think the stuff she did was intentional.

 

I came right out and asked her if she wanted me to play on her song and why she was trying to sabotage me. She said she did want me to play and she didn't want me to play. She said that she was getting jealous again because I was spending more time with my guitar (due to her efforts I actually spent less time with my guitar and more time trying to practice on my guitar). She also said that she was afraid that if I played live that i would like it and want to do it again, which means bars, and groupies might get me. Sorry, but I'm neither that charismatic or good looking.

 

I told her that playing mostly acoustic likely means more coffee houses than bars, plus even if I was in a band that had groupies, they wouldn't go after me, and if they wouldn't get anywhere. My wife is very beautiful and anyone else would be a downgrade, and besides that I love her and no one else.

 

However, she still is insecure and still gets jealous and upset if I spend any significant time with my guitar (more than 3 hours a week). I've tried to talk with her, trying to reassure her there is no reason to be jealous. I have a hard time seeing me not playing guitar, but I know I couldn't live without her. I can't fall asleep unless she is in the bed, and I miss her after a few hours apart. She knows those things but she is still insecure.

 

Any advice on this situation?

[MattSkibaIsGOD]

My advice would be to leave her, but as you're already married, that could be an issue.

 

Being jealous of the guitar sounds like an incredibly childish thing for her to do. I have never experienced this situation, but if she can't be a big girl, i would send her packing.

[garthman]

We have a deal: one guitar = 3 pairs of shoes.

[DarkHorseJ27]

 

My advice would be to leave her, but as you're already married, that could be an issue. Being jealous of the guitar sounds like an incredibly childish thing for her to do. I have never experienced this situation, but if she can't be a big girl, i would send her packing.

 

 

I assume you mean well, but please, so responses like this. I couldn't leave her if I wanted to, and I never would want to leave her.

[Hudman]

You knew she had a problem with your guitar playing BEFORE you married her. You are going to have to make a stand or accept her position and work around it (play when she's at work).

[DarkHorseJ27]

 

We have a deal: one guitar = 3 pairs of shoes.

 

 

The problem isn't me buying guitars, its that I play them and she gets jealous.

 

And she not into shoes like most woman are.

[MattSkibaIsGOD]

 

The problem isn't me buying guitars, its that I play them and she gets jealous. And she not into shoes like most woman are.

 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't she also a musician?

[DarkHorseJ27]

 

You knew she had a problem with your guitar playing BEFORE you married her. You are going to have to make a stand or accept her position and work around it (play when she's at work).

 

 

As I said in my original post, I thought that problem had been resolved before I marry her.

[DarkHorseJ27]

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't she also a musician?

 

 

Yep, she sings and plays clarinet, and is trying to learn the keyboards.

[Stackabones]

She also said she felt like that the guitar was kind of like another woman.

 

I've heard that one before. Bad news when you hear that. Or good news, depending on the relationship.

 

I don't think it's really guitar-specific. If you had some other passion, imo you'd get a similar response.

[missedmyexit]

After reading your brief description it sounds like she has a issue with her self esteem more then your guitar. I would try to find a way to address this in your relationship before it branches out to more then just your guitar and causes more issues.

[Hudman]

 

As I said in my original post, I thought that problem had been resolved before I marry her.

 

 

My advice stands: Stand up to her or accept her issues with your playing.

 

Personally, I would stand up to her. If you don't do it over something as simple as playing guitar, you will be in deep trouble over serious issues down the road.

 

Marriage relies a great deal on compromise and understanding by both parties. There should be a balance between both parties.

[Preacher]

I don't think it's really guitar-specific. If you had some other passion, imo you'd get a similar response.

 

I don't have any experience in a situation like yours so I'll leave it to others to be more specific. I think Stackabones is right. It does sound like esteem issues, and you may best be able to demonstrate your love for her and her value to you by small gestures in other areas.

 

As with all things balance is often difficult to achieve but quite often necessary for success. It sounds possible for your marriage and your guitar playing to coexist, but in the end you likely feel your marriage is the more important of the two.

[DarkHorseJ27]

 

After reading your brief description it sounds like she has a issue with her self esteem more then your guitar. I would try to find a way to address this in your relationship before it branches out to more then just your guitar and causes more issues.

 

 

She did have some self-esteem issues as a result of the household she grew up in, and it still sometimes affects her when she is trying to do something. Like in homework from one of her college courses, she'll initially get confuses, get worked up, and decide she can't do it (it doesn't help she has ADD and a few learning disorders). But she has gotten better about that with my help.

 

What she is worried about is me liking my guitar more than her, which I don't understand. She is bi and interested in woman, and she's told me that she is okay with me being with other woman as long as she know about. I can tell she really feels that way, but I'm only interested in her. But I don't understand how she can be okay with the thought of me being with another woman, but than gets insecure about my guitar.

[rhancox]

As others will tell you, you can't change people. If it's not the guitar, it will be something, or someone, else, as she's already eluded to with the playing live concerns.

 

My first wife didn't want me in a band for those reasons so I took the route of marital bliss. She never changed and I got frustrated. My current wife, of as many years and counting, is not that way. She's lived through those jealous years and realized it was a waste of time and effort. Half jokingly, she even says she don't care what (or who) I do, just bring home that paycheck!

 

The one thing I've learned in being married twice is that I thought I was in love the first time. I know I am now, because I now know the difference.

 

Only you can decide which is more important, your marriage or your own internal happiness. At the same time, she needs to know that you can't be happy unless you can play your music with a clear conscience.

 

Historically, marriages involving at least one insecure person don't work.

[DarkHorseJ27]

 

I don't have any experience in a situation like yours so I'll leave it to others to be more specific. I think Stackabones is right. It does sound like esteem issues, and you may best be able to demonstrate your love for her and her value to you by small gestures in other areas. As with all things balance is often difficult to achieve but quite often necessary for success. It sounds possible for your marriage and your guitar playing to coexist, but in the end you likely feel your marriage is the more important of the two.

 

 

I do a lot of things for her to show that I care about her. I tell her I love her several times a day (and because I want to), I do all the household chores, I'll surprise her my taking her to movies she wants to see, I'll get her flowers on a whim, etc.

 

My marriage is more important than my guitar, but I would really like to have both and don't see a legitamate reason why I can't.

 

It just sometimes feels like that no matter how much I do its never enough.

[Jimmy Chaos]

It seems to me she's very insecure, (thinking you're going to go off with 'groupies, her thinking you love the guitar more than her, etc.)

 

I think you need to talk to her to get to the underlying cause of her problem, because It's clearly not your guitar playing, it's her insecurities as a person.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Good luck.

[Queequeg]

my ex wife was the same way. as soon as I would pick up the guitar she would think of something for me to do right now. She was even listening for the sound of the catches on the case, Suddenly it was time to do this or that.

She has since remarried & divorced again.

I am still single.

I still have my guitar(s) and a girlfriend of nine plus years who encourages me to pick up the guitar.

(just saying. not suggesting this to be your solution)

[Starrshine]

my name is jackie; i am Bob's significant other. i read your letter and wanted to post my thots to it...perhaps you may have your wife read this if you think any of it may help.

Bob started playing his guitar a couple years ago. at first he was just getting used to one again; then he started playing songs for me in the evening after dinner. later his concerts extended to morning ones also; i find at both times they are an extremely great way to start or end a day.

about a year ago i came across a group of local music jammers up here & told him about them. he has been going as frequently as possible. as one of "the new kids on the block" he didnt feel he measured up to them (no matter what i said so his practice time increased. yesterday we figured out that he plays guitar anywhere from three to four hours daily, depending on what time he gets home from work.

as for me: i love it! he is sitting in the living room while i am either cooking, cleaning up the kitchen or stitching, and he always makes an effort to play several of my favorite songs. he also practices the songs he plans to do for his jams; often many times, and he asks me for feedback on it all. his music is as vital to him as my various stitching projects are to me and i realize he would not be the man i love if he no longer did it, because that would be taking away something that is of extreme importance to him. from your post, i think you would be the same without your music....

groupies? sometimes i go to the jams with him, sometimes i take my Sunday off. there are always single women there but i know where he is and who he comes home to..... and i tell him have a great time; say hi to all for me. he has never given me a reason not to trust him.

some "things" in life are worth hanging on to... you may talk until you are blue in the face trying to explain the importance, and perhaps at some point you may have to say "it makes me what i am." our skills define us.... i stitch, Bob plays guitar, each of us for long periods of time. its called compromise...

good luck to both of you.

jackie

[daklander]

I could certainly understand if you were playing the instrument eight hours a day and not spending time with her or paying attention to her and her needs. That doesn't seem to be the case so....

Personally, I think you're SOL. If you give up the guitar something else will become the object of her jealousy.

[MattSkibaIsGOD]

my name is jackie; i am Bob's significant other. i read your letter and wanted to post my thots to it...perhaps you may have your wife read this if you think any of it may help. Bob started playing his guitar a couple years ago. at first he was just getting used to one again; then he started playing songs for me in the evening after dinner. later his concerts extended to morning ones also; i find at both times they are an extremely great way to start or end a day. about a year ago i came across a group of local music jammers up here & told him about them. he has been going as frequently as possible. as one of "the new kids on the block" he didnt feel he measured up to them (no matter what i said so his practice time increased. yesterday we figured out that he plays guitar anywhere from three to four hours daily, depending on what time he gets home from work. as for me: i love it! he is sitting in the living room while i am either cooking, cleaning up the kitchen or stitching, and he always makes an effort to play several of my favorite songs. he also practices the songs he plans to do for his jams; often many times, and he asks me for feedback on it all. his music is as vital to him as my various stitching projects are to me and i realize he would not be the man i love if he no longer did it, because that would be taking away something that is of extreme importance to him. from your post, i think you would be the same without your music.... groupies? sometimes i go to the jams with him, sometimes i take my Sunday off. there are always single women there but i know where he is and who he comes home to..... and i tell him have a great time; say hi to all for me. he has never given me a reason not to trust him. some "things" in life are worth hanging on to... you may talk until you are blue in the face trying to explain the importance, and perhaps at some point you may have to say "it makes me what i am." our skills define us.... i stitch, Bob plays guitar, each of us for long periods of time. its called compromise... good luck to both of you. jackie

 

 

uhh...bob who?

[rhancox]

What Jackie said.

 

It's important in a marriage to know what's important to each other. Each other is a given, you wouldn't be married otherwise. I'm talking about those other things we all like to do. Stitch, play basketball, whatever. The best thing one can do for their spouse is support them in what they enjoy (illegal activities notwithstanding ).

 

Not doing so is a recipe for a life of misery for one of you, if not both.

[daklander]

 

uhh...bob who?

 

 

bobc comes to mind. Re-entering the guitar kindom timeframe works, as does the info about the jams.

 

Jackie, seems like your Bob has a winner.

[MattSkibaIsGOD]

bobc comes to mind. Re-entering the guitar kindom timeframe works, as does the info about the jams. Jackie, seems like your Bob has a winner.

 

I guess reading really is fundamental.

 

[Starrshine]

See, what happens when you let your wife read your boards:). Well, I have been married just a few times, probably more than most. And it has taken me till my old age to get it right finally. My second wife was like yours, but not about guitar. She was jealous of other women, I couldn't even talk to them! In the end, she left me for the next door neighbor. The moral of the story is that people that are jealous are considering what you would do if they were you. It doesn't matter how much you do to try and change it, they are thinking from their perspective not yours.

Bob