Significant other jealous of guitar

[Starrshine]

bobc comes to mind. Re-entering the guitar kindom timeframe works, as does the info about the jams. Jackie, seems like your Bob has a winner.

Not bobc, just a newbie to this board, Bob Starr. Just an ol'hippie that took a long time to learn about life. And Jackie is a winner!!!! Taken all of our lives to find each other.
Bob

[MattSkibaIsGOD]

hmmmm....

the plot thickens.

[guitarcapo]

Wow. Jealous of an object. That's a tough one. My only suggestion would be to teach her guitar and jam with her.

[Gary Palmer]

My only suggestion would be to teach her guitar and jam with her.

+ 1000

Finding common ground and being able to compromise can be tricky, but where there's a will, there's a way. I get the feeling it's possibly an all or nothing situation, but I'm sure some kind of understanding can be reached if you stand your ground and talk plainly about the parallels (Commitment, enthusiasm, etc.) between your and her musical interests.

Those who play together stay together.

[Preacher]

I do a lot of things for her to show that I care about her. I tell her I love her several times a day (and because I want to), I do all the household chores, I'll surprise her my taking her to movies she wants to see, I'll get her flowers on a whim, etc. My marriage is more important than my guitar, but I would really like to have both and don't see a legitamate reason why I can't. It just sometimes feels like that no matter how much I do its never enough.

 

 

Good for you, sounds like you're working pretty hard to make things better. It also sounds like you understand her very well and there likely aren't any easy solutions. I can only encourage you to keep it up through the tough times and wish you both the best.

[JasmineTea]

The word is n-o, no.

Hud's right. As usual.

My guitars were here before she was, and after she's gone, my guitars will still be here.

...my guitars will still be here. Her presence in my life does'nt change the music factor of my life. If anything she should encourage me to play, encourage me to buy the kinds of guitars that I want, and inspire me to write songs.

There's no peace of mind otherwise, and it's disrespectful of her. I'd make sure the door hit her good and square on the ass.

[JasmineTea]

...after she's gone. Looong after she's gone.

After she's gone, I'll still be "me". Her presense should'nt have an effect on that. A big part of being "me" is music, guitar.

A girl falls in love with the "novelty" that a guitar player is. Once it hits home that he's not just kidding around, that he intends to take music seriously, the novelty wares off.

[OldGuitarPlayer]

Anyone have problems with their significant other being jealous of your guitar(s)? I have in the past. My wife (then fiancee) told me that she felt I had a connection with my guitar that I did not have with her. I told her that was true, because it is a musical instrument and she is not, but I also have a lot of connections with her that I don't have with my guitar because she is a human being and the person I love most. She also said she felt like that the guitar was kind of like another woman. For a while she would get upset or sad everytime I picked up the guitar. I would try to play when she wasn't there, but that was difficult to do before she got a job because she was always there, and I need to play some. I will play to relieve stress, but I avoided doing that after a fight so she wouldn't feel like I was going to it to avoid her. Her problems with the guitar stopped a few months before we got married, and I thought she was over her issues with it. As mention in some of my other posts, she had a vocal concert, and I strummed acoustic on her solo song. However, in the weeks preceding the concert, she was consistently trying to sabotage me. When I was trying to work out a guitar arrangement of the song on the computer, she would take over the computer and then type in the piano music for the song on my file, undoing my work. Whenever I tried to practice, she would say we needed to go somewhere to do something, and she would only ask to do to something whenever I tried to grab my guitar. I don't think the stuff she did was intentional. I came right out and asked her if she wanted me to play on her song and why she was trying to sabotage me. She said she did want me to play and she didn't want me to play. She said that she was getting jealous again because I was spending more time with my guitar (due to her efforts I actually spent less time with my guitar and more time trying to practice on my guitar). She also said that she was afraid that if I played live that i would like it and want to do it again, which means bars, and groupies might get me. Sorry, but I'm neither that charismatic or good looking. I told her that playing mostly acoustic likely means more coffee houses than bars, plus even if I was in a band that had groupies, they wouldn't go after me, and if they wouldn't get anywhere. My wife is very beautiful and anyone else would be a downgrade, and besides that I love her and no one else. However, she still is insecure and still gets jealous and upset if I spend any significant time with my guitar (more than 3 hours a week). I've tried to talk with her, trying to reassure her there is no reason to be jealous. I have a hard time seeing me not playing guitar, but I know I couldn't live without her. I can't fall asleep unless she is in the bed, and I miss her after a few hours apart. She knows those things but she is still insecure. Any advice on this situation?

...neither am I...that's WHY I joined a band.

[gthom]

I don't know you or your wife, so my opinion is basically worthless...but you need to take a stand and calmly but firmly explain to your wife that you enjoy playing guitar and will continue to do so. Tell her that you are open to discussion as to how much time you play or when you play or how loudly you play or whether she would like to participate on piano or vocals or whatever. Then reiterate that what is not up for discussion is whether you can spend a reasonable amount of time doing something you love.

From your description, it sounds like she views your playing guitar as choosing to do something else over being with her. It has nothing to do with the guitar, it has to do with the choice, and you'd be in the same boat if your hobby were model airplane building or oil painting or whathaveyou.

If she is unable to come to terms with that, perhaps you and she should seek marriage counseling...because I'm telling you, this is a dangerous path to go down. I've been with girls like this when I was younger and it is bad bad news if you don't take a stand right now.

[outdoorgb]

I could certainly understand if you were playing the instrument eight hours a day and not spending time with her or paying attention to her and her needs. That doesn't seem to be the case so.... Personally, I think you're SOL. If you give up the guitar something else will become the object of her jealousy.

I agree with this and add...

[Queequeg]

 

I don't know you or your wife, so my opinion is basically worthless...but you need to take a stand and calmly but firmly explain to your wife that you enjoy playing guitar and will continue to do so. Tell her that you are open to discussion as to how much time you play or when you play or how loudly you play or whether she would like to participate on piano or vocals or whatever. Then reiterate that what is not up for discussion is whether you can spend a reasonable amount of time doing something you love. From your description, it sounds like she views your playing guitar as choosing to do something else over being with her. It has nothing to do with the guitar, it has to do with the choice, and you'd be in the same boat if your hobby were model airplane building or oil painting or whathaveyou. If she is unable to come to terms with that, perhaps you and she should seek marriage counseling...because I'm telling you, this is a dangerous path to go down. I've been with girls like this when I was younger and it is bad bad news if you don't take a stand right now.

 

gthom makes a very important point here:

"seek marriage counseling..."

"this is a dangerous path to go down and it is bad bad news if you don't take a stand right now."

You have to nip this in the bud, seriously.

This is an emotionally charged situation and you might want to inject logic into it and expect her to respond logically, but she is going to want an emotional solution, so I hold out little hope for that approach. I think you need a professional, seriously. Others have said it is not really about your guitar, and this is likely true.

Here is my take on it and call me crazy: I think it is all about her, and your job is to make her the center of your universe. With her, you won't want or need anything else in life. She is the alpha & the omega; your end all and be all.

and that's a tough one...

Good luck.

[rhancox]

And remember to add that if the roles were reversed, you would be right behind her supporting her all they way in whatever it was she was doing, and that all you're asking is the same consideration.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

[TN.Frank]

I don't think it's the guitar that she is jelous of, I think it's the Atention that you give the guitar that's getting to her. After being married for 21 years I've found that it involves a lot of compromise. For every hour you spend playing the guitar you should try to spend an hour with her. Playing together would also be a great way to show her that your spending time with the guitar and your music isn't going to cut into your time with her. Heck, if you can even get her to learn the guitar that'd be great too.
I think it stems more from her being ignored or feeling abandoned by you when you're playing then it does the actual object it's self.
My wife and I came to an understanding a long time ago, when we first started dating that my music was something that was very important to me. I love playing music and I also love her, it's both the same and different. I'm sure with us all being "musicians" we understand what I'm saying. That being said I try to spend as much time with her as I can(what with odd work scheduals and all) and try to play guitar when either she's not around or when she's doing something else.
I'm sure you can work thru this. You just need to take the time to sit down and talk it out. Good luck.

[scottop1972]

i would recommend the counseling thing. what she is asking of you is ridiculous. if she is truly a musician as well she would recognize that music is a part of what makes you who you are and to ask that of you is not fair because she does not stop her music due to you.

the whole bi thing is irrelevant. seems to me that all you want is some equity within the relationship to do the things that are important for you.

PS sounds like youre a door mat. if you do the cooking cleaning and giving up your hobbies....... you my friend are a doormat.

you mentioned nothign that she is giving up for your or that she is doing for you.

RUN FOREST RUN.

[DarkHorseJ27]

I was thinking that is mostly the attention that she is not getting when I am playing guitar. However, over the week I spend an average of about 8 hours a day with her, not counting sleep. I average about 3 hours per week with my guitar.

I've talked to her about several times about it, but she still gets insecure. She has said she doesn't want me to quite guitar, because it just wouldn't be me without out, and she knows a good amount of her happiness depends on my happiness (and vice-versa).

She tried to take up guitar once so when have an additional thing in common, but she didn't want to clip her nails on her fretting hand.

Thinking deeper and longer about, I think attention is the issue. Thinking about it, I realize that she doesn't mind if I'm paying undivided attention to her as long as she is getting attention from someone (like on of her friends) or something has her attention (like when she is playing video games). However, those times usually don't coincide with whenever I have an opportunity to play guitar.

I'm going to talk to her again, but I'll wait until after this week is over. Its finals week for both of use, and neither of us need another distraction or source of stress.

[TN.Frank]

She tried to take up guitar once so when have an additional thing in common, but she didn't want to clip her nails on her fretting hand.

 

 

I wondered how Dolly Parton played guitar with her long finger nails and then after I got my resonator it hit me, OPEN TUNING. Just open tune the guitar to DGDGBD and you'll have a G chord open, an A on the 2nd fret, C on the 5th, D on the 7th, ect. and all you need do is bar the fret which would make it easy to get the basic chords you'd need to play a song. You might have her try playing that way to see if she'd get into playing guitar.

[DarkHorseJ27]

PS sounds like youre a door mat. if you do the cooking cleaning and giving up your hobbies....... you my friend are a doormat. you mentioned nothign that she is giving up for your or that she is doing for you. RUN FOREST RUN.

 

 

She has recently taken over a few chores when I haven't been able to do them when I've been to busy with work and college. I told her that I was feeling more like a parent than a husband making all her food, washing all the clothes, washing all the dishes, cleaning the apartment, and reminding her to take her birth control pill. That and I don't always have all the energy or time to do all the things on top of my other obligations. She understood and started doing things without any complaint.

 

She does know she has some growing up to do. She has trouble putting herself in another person's place, gets angry easily, and likes to hand off responsibilty to others. She also likes to put her needs ahead of mine. A good example would be when we were watching a crime drama, and the episode was about a pedophile. That made me uncomfortable because I was molested as a child. I asked her to change the channel, but she said no because she wanted to see how the story ended, and she got mad when I went into another room because she wanted me to be with her. She was thinking of things just from her point of view and didn't consider mine. After I framed for her how I felt she understood, but I usually don't get that chance until after she gets mad at me (at first she claimed I was being inconsiderate of what she wanted).

 

So far only her shortcomings have been listed, but she really is a basically a wonderful and loving person, she just has a number of issues.

[mjuenem]

She has insecurity issues that are not caused by, and will not go away if you got rid of all your guitars and stopped playing for good.

[Belva]

I had this problem with my ex as well. Put the guitar away & the motorcycle had to go. Put that away & the bicycle had to go. Sometimes a significant other will see everything away from her as competition. And it is a self esteem issue. A few thoughts.. A guitar doesn't mind if you play around with another guitar. A guitar will sit in the truck & be quiet while you're in the bar having a beer. If you spend money to make your guitar better, I actually works!

[outdoorgb]

This

[Melodeous]

I assume you mean well, but please, so responses like this. I couldn't leave her if I wanted to, and I never would want to leave her.

 

 

Well then, what? Her answer is to ditch the guitar it seems. You have some priority-shuffling to do. The guitar is your inner peace, she doesn't want you to have that without sharing it with her and that awkward rift between the two of you is called a guitar.

[Brokepick]

You can;
Leave her, and deal with the consequences.
Give up the guitar, or severely restrict your time with it, and deal with the consequences.
Ignore her jealousy and play your guitar whenever you want to, and deal with the consequences.
Try to convince her that her jealousy is irrational, by whatever reasonable means you can.

Hate to sound cold, but that's it. No other choices. Deal with it. There's just not too much more to say. Good luck.

[Northstar]

We have a deal: one guitar = 3 pairs of shoes.

 

 

We also have a deal: my 8 eight guitars take less space than a single upright piano. My wife's got two.

[stormin1155]

My current wife is very supportive of my guitar habit.

My last one wasn't. She took one of the electrics that I built and tried to bust up my heavy steel vice on my workbench with it. Of course I was furious, but I was also quite proud of my workmanship... the guitar suffered a few gouges on the front that I repaired, but it didn't break. I always thought it would be sort of poetic if I inlaid my old wedding band into the headstock.

[Northstar]

My current wife is very supportive of my guitar habit. My last one wasn't. She took one of the electrics that I built and tried to bust up my heavy steel vice on my workbench with it. Of course I was furious, but I was also quite proud of my workmanship... the guitar suffered a few gouges on the front that I repaired, but it didn't break. I always thought it would be sort of poetic if I inlaid my old wedding band into the headstock.

 

 

Let me get this right.

 

Your wife tried to destroy your steel vice... with your home-made electric guitar?!

 

Tell me she's out of the picture! :poke: