Significant other jealous of guitar

[Hudman]

Your marriage has some serious issues that will wreck it down the road if you fail to address them.

 

How old are you guys?

 

I hope you work out your problems BEFORE having children. She thinks competing with a guitar for attention is tough wait until the baby gets ALL of the attention.

[Belva]

Good point about children! But at least your wife admits she has issues. That's a step in the right direction. I think all of us would like to see things work out well for both of you. Starting a band may make her realize that you're not gonna stop playing. Would it be wise to let her see this thread? Maybe then she'll understand how much you love her. Of it could blow up. Your call.

[Melodeous]

I was 30 before I finally discovered a woman who could weather my personality through a lifetime. Prior to that there were times I seriously questioned my own sanity for some of the relationships I allowed to happen. But, marriage is a sanctuary I could not desecrate even though I'm a good atheist.

 

One time around on this good green earth and pairing up should be done with little or no compromise to either person. Marriages of convenience, infatuation and the crotch usually don't last. No values are at work in those relationships.

[jamesp]

One a lighter note, she made a humorous observation the other night. She says she like the man in the relationship and I am like the woman. I do the cooking and cleaning, I always want to talk, I nag her to clean up after herself, and she likes the sit back in her recliner and watch tv and play video games.

 

 

I like this gal. I think she's funny.

 

~musical interlude~

[YOUTUBE]3o3jeHrZbWs&feature=channel_page[/YOUTUBE]

"She's either a saint or she's nuts."

 

I don't think you should talk about her on the internet tho'.

[phil_harmonic]

Seriously, without knowing the whole story I'd say she has some insecurities that may need addressing. If you give up your guitar for her, she will likely find something else to complain about? I think you might need to consider counseling. If you have done nothing to cause this issue (like spending all of you time playing your guitar and little or no time with her) then the problem lies with her, not you, so there may not be much you can do about it.

 

Good luck

[boxorox]

Lot's of issues here. Esteem, confidance, a lot have been pointed out. The scariest is CONTROL. The answer she gave when you asked if she wanted you to play her recital shows that she is aware she is manipulating your life through sabotage. I have been with someone like that. I call it "Manufactured Crises". Illness, appointments, family obligations, Adverse prescription drug reactions, minor injuries that cropped up when I had someting to do that was important to me. Even things that were planned months in advance. It can start so subtley you don't notice until you are deep, deep into it.

Are there activities you enjoy, things you thought she liked to do to that are no longer done? Friends who you don't visit and never come around anymore? Fewer invitations to dinner at some one's house or social gatherings? Seeing/hearing from your family less than you used to? Less than you'd like? My fave was I couldn't read while she was watching TV. Same room same couch, but we weren't doing the SAME pointless activity TOGETHER. Are you starting to feel isolated? Before you answer that, put aside your obvious feelings of devotion to her, and really take stock of your life's changes since you've been married.

Reason I mention this is because if any of this fits your situation, you may be in an abusive relationship. Whether emotional or physical, the point is not to be loved and secure in love, it is to dominate and control the other party. The facts that you are loving, devoted, responsible and committed wil be weapons used against you. I hope this is not your case. But be aware.

Explain to her that music is important to you, something that makes you who you are. Say you need an hour, four times a week (or whatever schedule you devise) to devote to practice. Make the time concurrent with hours she's watching TV, studying, whatever. Make it clear that if you are interupted for any reason sort of a death in the family or the house is on fire, the clock starts over at ZERO. If this doesn't work...

Or even if it seems to, somebody needs professional counseling. Since you are made miserable, say you need it for yourself. Go for marital or couples. Do not negotate on "working things out ourselves". Apologies and promises are the tools of the abuser. Remember that most perpetrators are victims themselves.

All you want is a couple hours to play guitar in the peace and comfort of your own home. Simple, harmless and reasonable. So, why all the Drama? You want an autobiography, PM me. COUNSELLING!!!

[kwakatak]

I've talked to her again. She knows and admits that she can be insecure, and that she tends to think of herself and has trouble thinking of others, and she wants to change that. She has been much better about those things than she has been in the past. And this most recent conversation was much quieter than past ones. I'm not really a doormat, I'm just easy going. On most things I don't care or don't mind, but I do put my foot down when it is something important. This has just been the only thing that she still has a problem with. I have made stands in the past, just that the problem has seem to persisted. She does say she enjoys listening to me play, she just says she just also wants the attention on her, but she realizes the situation is not much different that she is playing video games. She also realizes that I have done much more in the way of compromise than she has. One thing she told me is that she has a hard time putting herself in other peoples' shoes and seeing their point of view (I think it has something do with her parents bringing her up as a boy). She said I'll just have to frame things for her for a while. She also said whenever I try to talk to her, that I am too nice and need to be, for the lack of a better term, more forceful. One thing I'm thinking of doing is starting a band, because I am interested in playing out and making some extra money. I was thinking of having her in it because she is a competent singer and once she gets keyboards down what would be a welcome addition (she has real talent for it, just lack disclipine). One a lighter note, she made a humorous observation the other night. She says she like the man in the relationship and I am like the woman. I do the cooking and cleaning, I always want to talk, I nag her to clean up after herself, and she likes the sit back in her recliner and watch tv and play video games.

 

It seems to me that you are in denial. I wonder if your wife fully realizes that she's being manipulative though?

[boxorox]

Look, I don't want to be speaking out of hand. You have told us a lot here, and none of it is good. You have a problem. You need to seek professional help. Don't worry about her problem right now. Don't worry about the relationship problem right now. Get yourself on solid ground, then deal with the rest of it.

 

The more you write, the more it becomes obvious that you are being manipulated, you are being taken advantage of, you are given no consideration, and you and the things you care about are being disrespected.

 

But you will accept this because you are in LOVE. Love, or the desire to be loved, is one of the most selfish and destructive of all emotions. We are culturally indoctrinated to believe we will find absolute true and everlasting love. Ridiculous. If you are giving more than you are granted, and suffering abuse, you are not in love. You are in love with being in love.

 

If she won't get help for your marriage (and that say's a lot), she won't get help for herself, and she won't be a part of you getting help for yourself, it means your happiness, contentment and security in the relationship means naught to her. Protect yourself. See a profesional. Ask at work, at Church, ask your Family doctor, ask anyone, but find someone to talk to.

[Steadfastly]

I don't know how long you've been married but some things take a lot longer to work out than others. What you're doing is right. She obviously needs reassurance and you've been giving that to her. Just keep reminding her how much you love her and you're she's the most important thing in your life. This is especially important to do just before you play the guitar which may make her feel more comfortable about it.

 

Get her involved with your playing. For example, tell her you want to work on a piece of music for awhile and then you want her to critique you. You could do this with the same piece or pieces of music over and over if you want to work on getting better with each piece.

 

Another suggestion might be to have a guitar night for yourself or a guitar period several times a week. Times that you and her know that this is your guitar time.

 

Since she sings, you could have her sing along with your guitar playing.

 

You already mentioned playing when she wasn't there. That is a good idea to continue whenever you can. Would it be possible to have a guitar at work and play at lunchtime or go in early sometimes and play before work?

 

I hope some of these suggestions are helpful. Don't give up. It sounds like you have a good lady there. Here is an article that my wife and I have found useful to help us resolve problems. It is not specific to your situation but there may be some principals that may be helpful. Regards, Flip.

 

http://www.watchtower.org/e/20050601/article_01.htm

[scottop1972]

 

Lot's of issues here. Esteem, confidance, a lot have been pointed out. The scariest is CONTROL. The answer she gave when you asked if she wanted you to play her recital shows that she is aware she is manipulating your life through sabotage. I have been with someone like that. I call it "Manufactured Crises". Illness, appointments, family obligations, Adverse prescription drug reactions, minor injuries that cropped up when I had someting to do that was important to me. Even things that were planned months in advance. It can start so subtley you don't notice until you are deep, deep into it. Are there activities you enjoy, things you thought she liked to do to that are no longer done? Friends who you don't visit and never come around anymore? Fewer invitations to dinner at some one's house or social gatherings? Seeing/hearing from your family less than you used to? Less than you'd like? My fave was I couldn't read while she was watching TV. Same room same couch, but we weren't doing the SAME pointless activity TOGETHER. Are you starting to feel isolated? Before you answer that, put aside your obvious feelings of devotion to her, and really take stock of your life's changes since you've been married. Reason I mention this is because if any of this fits your situation, you may be in an abusive relationship. Whether emotional or physical, the point is not to be loved and secure in love, it is to dominate and control the other party. The facts that you are loving, devoted, responsible and committed wil be weapons used against you. I hope this is not your case. But be aware. Explain to her that music is important to you, something that makes you who you are. Say you need an hour, four times a week (or whatever schedule you devise) to devote to practice. Make the time concurrent with hours she's watching TV, studying, whatever. Make it clear that if you are interupted for any reason sort of a death in the family or the house is on fire, the clock starts over at ZERO. If this doesn't work... Or even if it seems to, somebody needs professional counseling. Since you are made miserable, say you need it for yourself. Go for marital or couples. Do not negotate on "working things out ourselves". Apologies and promises are the tools of the abuser. Remember that most perpetrators are victims themselves. All you want is a couple hours to play guitar in the peace and comfort of your own home. Simple, harmless and reasonable. So, why all the Drama? You want an autobiography, PM me. COUNSELLING!!!

 

 

 

holy {censored}! THis is all too familiar.

 

this is called Borderline personality disorder.

 

Read the book " stop walking on eggshells"

 

you will be amazed at how this scenario is so much like other people that are married to these types of people.

 

you need another autobiography PM me.

[Roadstar II]

I think you should try to play guitar primarily while she's playing video games, if her doing so won't affect your concentration. She isn't paying attention to you when she's playing the games, so she should understand if you're preoccupied with your guitar while she plays them.

[NEWYORK]

Nothing worse than when you find your girlfriend in bed with your Martin D28 !