Members GAS Man Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Subject: BLUES RULES HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES 1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless youstick something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman withthe meanest face in town." 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with themeanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face intown. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound." 4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in aditch. There ain't no way out. 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Bluesdon't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is aGreyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsoredmotor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part inthe blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough toget the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplacein Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably justclinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are stillgreat places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplacethat don't get rain. 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with malepattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is notthe blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is. 9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. Thelighting is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 10. Good places for the Blues:a. highwayb. jailhousec. empty bedd. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places for the Blues:a. Nordstrom'sb. gallery openingsc. Ivy League collegesd. golf courses 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less youhappen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it. 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:a. you older than dirtb. you blindc. you shot a man in Memphisd. you can't be satisfied No, if:a. you have all your teethb. you were once blind but now can seec. the man in Memphis livedd. you have a 401K or trust fund 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. TigerWoods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white peoplealso got a leg up on the blues. 14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's theBlues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:a. cheap wineb. whiskey or bourbonc. muddy waterd. nasty black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages:a. Perrierb. Chardonnayc. Snappled. Slim Fast 15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Bluesdeath. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way todie. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on abroken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during atennis match or while getting liposuction. 16. Some Blues names for women:a. Sadieb. Big Mamac. Bessied. Fat River Dumpling 17. Some Blues names for men:a. Joeb. Williec. Little Willied. Big Willie 18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, andHeather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot inMemphis. 19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc..)c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson. 20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannotsing the blues Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DaleH Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Cats-o-caster Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Thunderchild Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jkater Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Thanks for that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Ratae Corieltauvorum Posted August 26, 2011 Moderators Share Posted August 26, 2011 Joke? dat ain't no joke, dat da Bible:poke: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members FoonkySteve Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Very good sir! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Doctor49 Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Joke?dat ain't no joke, dat da Bible:poke: can I get a AMEN to that?? Can I??? Well can I????? Shout it out now!!!! well, hallelujah! Extract from a serious book for guitarists - can't remember which one or who wrote it so credit to the author anyway! "Aside from getting a good axe, the best way to look like a blues player is toplay like one. But you can take some external steps to help the illusion along:1. Move your body in time to the music.Getting down not only makes you look cool, but also it reinforces the rhythms of the music and your instrument with the parts of your body.That Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mnewb1 Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frets99 Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 Joke? dat ain't no joke, dat da Bible:poke: Amen to that!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BG76 Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 That was funny back in like 1997 when it started going around. It still rings true, I LMFAO when I go to GC and see the "King of the Suck Ass Blues" playing pentatonic licks like a moron (usually in the pedal dept) with his stupid bowling shirt and 'blooze hat' to cover his bald spot - 9/10 they're a fat ass and "perform" at GC once or twice a week. Don't get too close or else they'll want to strike up a convo or "jam" with you while you're trying to figure out if you want to buy something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members roughtrade Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Hello, I'm Stupid Orange Bush and I sing the blues! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Thunderchild Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 That was funny back in like 1997 when it started going around. It still rings true, I LMFAO when I go to GC and see the "King of the Suck Ass Blues" playing pentatonic licks like a moron (usually in the pedal dept) with his stupid bowling shirt and 'blooze hat' to cover his bald spot - 9/10 they're a fat ass and "perform" at GC once or twice a week. Don't get too close or else they'll want to strike up a convo or "jam" with you while you're trying to figure out if you want to buy something. The worst part is that the shop staff will usually go out of their way to accomodate these dicks, and basically ignore me. And no, I'm not a punk kid. I'm 39 and look pretty average. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BG76 Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 The worst part is that the shop staff will usually go out of their way to accomodate these dicks, and basically ignore me.And no, I'm not a punk kid. I'm 39 and look pretty average. What you do is just play a standard and add some substitutions while you ignore the moron. Once he figures out his pentatonic doesn't work usually he quietly starts milling around other parts of the store looking to "talk shop" with anyone who makes eye contact. I don't try anything unless I'm ready to buy that day and I don't try things I wouldn't buy. I don't care if it's some 13 year old sitting there for an hour because they're a kid when it's an adult it's downright disturbing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JR13 Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Joke?dat ain't no joke, dat da Bible:poke: this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jerry_L Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Amusing, but a witty songwriter could violate all those cliches and make it work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nuke_diver Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 I like this "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound." Think I'll go write a blues song Right after I finish checking out how my 401k is doing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jerry_L Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 I like this Think I'll go write a blues song Right after I finish checking out how my 401k is doing 401k status has been giving many people the blues in the past few years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gas Hed Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Dude - that was AWESOME! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ashtray Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 You can't play the blues in an air conditioned room. (that's actually a song) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members honeyiscool Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 I think more than anything, the reason why I don't got the blues is because I smile when I'm playing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GAS Man Posted August 26, 2011 Author Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 da blues - a sanctified man he was. Asie Payton's grave in a small cemetery in Holly Ridge. The building in the background is a cotton gin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sk8centilli Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 I almost got in trouble for laughing like an idiot in my office Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Doctor Morbius Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Great list, GAS Man. Too funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BA.Barcolounger Posted August 26, 2011 Members Share Posted August 26, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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