Ha-ha! Friend just sent me this joke - "Blues Rules"

[GAS Man]

Subject: BLUES RULES

 

HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES

 

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

 

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you

stick something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with

the meanest face in town."

 

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.

Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the

meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in

town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

 

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a

ditch. There ain't no way out.

 

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues

don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a

Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored

motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in

the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

 

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.

Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to

get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

 

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace

in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just

clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still

great places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace

that don't get rain.

 

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male

pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not

the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

 

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The

lighting is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

 

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass

 

Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom's

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League colleges

d. golf courses

 

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you

happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

 

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

 

Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt

b. you blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied

 

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund

 

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger

Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people

also got a leg up on the blues.

 

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the

Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. nasty black coffee

 

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast

 

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues

death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to

die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a

broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a

tennis match or while getting liposuction.

 

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

 

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

 

18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and

Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in

Memphis.

 

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc..)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson.

 

20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot

sing the blues

[DaleH]

[Cats-o-caster]

[Thunderchild]

Hilarious!

[Jkater]

Thanks for that!

[Ratae Corieltauvorum]

Joke?

 

dat ain't no joke, dat da Bible:poke:

[FoonkySteve]

Very good sir!

[Doctor49]

 

Joke? dat ain't no joke, dat da Bible:poke:

 

 

can I get a AMEN to that??

 

Can I???

 

Well can I?????

 

 

Shout it out now!!!!

 

 

well, hallelujah!

 

Extract from a serious book for guitarists - can't remember which one or who wrote it so credit to the author anyway!

 

"Aside from getting a good axe, the best way to look like a blues player is to

play like one. But you can take some external steps to help the illusion along:

1. Move your body in time to the music.

Getting down not only makes you look cool, but also it reinforces the rhythms of the music and your instrument with the parts of your body.

That

[mnewb1]

[Frets99]

Joke? dat ain't no joke, dat da Bible:poke:

 

Amen to that!!!!

[BG76]

That was funny back in like 1997 when it started going around. It still rings true, I LMFAO when I go to GC and see the "King of the Suck Ass Blues" playing pentatonic licks like a moron (usually in the pedal dept) with his stupid bowling shirt and 'blooze hat' to cover his bald spot - 9/10 they're a fat ass and "perform" at GC once or twice a week. Don't get too close or else they'll want to strike up a convo or "jam" with you while you're trying to figure out if you want to buy something.

[roughtrade]

Hello,

 

I'm Stupid Orange Bush and I sing the blues!

[Thunderchild]

 

That was funny back in like 1997 when it started going around. It still rings true, I LMFAO when I go to GC and see the "King of the Suck Ass Blues" playing pentatonic licks like a moron (usually in the pedal dept) with his stupid bowling shirt and 'blooze hat' to cover his bald spot - 9/10 they're a fat ass and "perform" at GC once or twice a week. Don't get too close or else they'll want to strike up a convo or "jam" with you while you're trying to figure out if you want to buy something.

 

The worst part is that the shop staff will usually go out of their way to accomodate these dicks, and basically ignore me.

 

And no, I'm not a punk kid. I'm 39 and look pretty average.

[BG76]

 

The worst part is that the shop staff will usually go out of their way to accomodate these dicks, and basically ignore me. And no, I'm not a punk kid. I'm 39 and look pretty average.

 

 

What you do is just play a standard and add some substitutions while you ignore the moron. Once he figures out his pentatonic doesn't work usually he quietly starts milling around other parts of the store looking to "talk shop" with anyone who makes eye contact.

 

I don't try anything unless I'm ready to buy that day and I don't try things I wouldn't buy. I don't care if it's some 13 year old sitting there for an hour because they're a kid when it's an adult it's downright disturbing.

[JR13]

 

Joke? dat ain't no joke, dat da Bible:poke:

 

 

this

[Jerry_L]

Amusing, but a witty songwriter could violate all those cliches and make it work.

[nuke_diver]

I like this

"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

 

Think I'll go write a blues song

 

Right after I finish checking out how my 401k is doing

[Jerry_L]

I like this Think I'll go write a blues song Right after I finish checking out how my 401k is doing

 

401k status has been giving many people the blues in the past few years.

[Gas Hed]

Dude - that was AWESOME!

[ashtray]

You can't play the blues in an air conditioned room.

 

(that's actually a song)

[honeyiscool]

 

I think more than anything, the reason why I don't got the blues is because I smile when I'm playing.

[GAS Man]

da blues -

 

 

a sanctified man he was.

 

 

Asie Payton's grave in a small cemetery in Holly Ridge.

The building in the background is a cotton gin.

[sk8centilli]

I almost got in trouble for laughing like an idiot in my office

[Doctor Morbius]

Great list, GAS Man. Too funny.

[BA.Barcolounger]