Kid-life crisis: want to keep playing guitar

[kwakatak]

In the spirit of the mid-life crisis/want to learn to play guitar thread I have a little bit of a different angle/parody: how do you make time to keep up on your skills when you have kids? I've known many people who have put it aside when life demands more of their time and come back to it later when the kids are grown, the career is on track, they retire, etc. but what if you're just getting started in the game of life and don't want to give up on your passions - even if they're just a hobby?

 

I can respect people who do give up playing for higher priorities but that's not for me. I'd rather just do without sleep since I find playing to be more rejuvinating. I've been playing at least since I was 10 which makes it nearly 30 years and apart from a few years in the late 90s to the earlier this decade I never put it down for any long period of time. Even now that I have kids I won't give it up again but finding time to play is the tricky part.

 

Here's my take: wait until after bed and play quietly or keep a beater around that you don't mind getting knocked over when the kids are about. If they're too young to play this will get them used to the guitar, but a word of warning: if you fool with it too much or play something they clearly don't like be careful that they don't see it as competition for your attention.

 

I leave my Tak out all the time and only play it when the kids. One will be a year old in March, the other will be 4 next month but he's PDD-NOS so he's basically a big 2 year-old) seem content - both are boys and all about gross motor skills right now. If they're restless in any way - which is often - then I know that I'm just setting up a potential conflict. When there's a connection though it's the greatest thing. The little one likes to strum the strings (and chew the guitar but we'll work on that) and the older one appears to have been grooving along a couple of times and has even tried approximate my technique on his little toy 6 string.

 

It's kind of rewarding to share this with the kids, though I admit it's rare and I tend to get a little too self-involved when I'm playing. For example, right now as I'm typing my little one is doing his best to walk so I need to get going and Do The Right Thing.

[outdoorgb]

Well I pasted the toddler age and now have a 9 and 11-year-old. I wish I had played when they were younger but...

I can see many benifits of having them watch you play so the only option is to continue playing. When and where are going to depend on your schedule. As a noob I am sticking to the same place, same time as much as possible.

How about hanging the git out of reach but still accessable on a wall hook? You still might have to adjust your sleep hours as mentioned but it sounds like your content with that. Keep up your passion.

[drnihili]

It sounds to me like you've got a good handle on it Kwak. That said, here's some random bits of "insight" from my 9 years as a dad.

 

1. The most rewarding things I've ever done with my son have been when I put away my grown up eyes and managed to interact with him person to person instead of adult to adult. I had to throw away my schedule and priorities for a while and follow his lead.

 

2. If you can do 1. often enough, then you can stake out some territory as yours and they'll often respect that and try to emulate you in it.

 

3. The only time that's really yours, is when they're in bed. Even that's not really yours. This gets easier with time. In part, it's because they are less needy as they mature. But in part it's because you become more of a family and less an agglomeration of individuals. Even at 9, my son can be supportive of my practicing. It's part of the family routine. I hear it breaks down somewhat when they become teens, but I haven't gotten there yet.

 

I think keeping a beater out is a great idea, as is getting them something to play along on. Be sure to let them play lead sometimes while you follow. With luck, they'll bond to the guitar playing and it will become a rewarding part of their life as it has with yours.

 

It does get easier as they get older, though each age has it's own special joys and challenges. The fact that you worry about this stuff reflects well on you.

 

Sounds like your kids have a great dad.

[melandy]

My practicing is definitely down since the little one came along (she's a little over a year now). At a minimum, I play with the band every Sunday for about an hour and a half of playing time between practice and service. I try to squeeze in more practice at home, but usually doesn't amount to more than an hour or two a week. Sometimes none.

I think this scheduled minimum playing time on Sundays is good for me because it keeps me from completely putting it down.

I'll either use my beater acoustic around the house or my electric (unplugged) if I need to be quieter, such as if the wife and kid are asleep. I keep the gits in cases when not in use. I wouldn't mind keeping the beater out, but my little girl gravitates toward the headstock, which is where sharp string ends are as well as picks in the pick holder. She loves to steal my picks, which is not a big deal when I'm playing, because I see her do it, but something that makes me worry about leaving the git unattended.

This limited practice schedule has kept me up to speed on what I need to play at church, but I'm not progressing quickly by any stretch of the imagination. I would like to have more time to practice, but it just doesn't work out that way. When I prioritize my life, guitar playing is reasonably high on the list, but it is not at the top.

-A

[Stackabones]

You have to make time to make music if you're really passionate about it. And imo if you're passionate about it, making/finding time won't be too hard.

One of my adult students has a great family, successful career, and is making incredible strides in his guitar playing. How does he do it? He makes time to play whenever, where ever, howsoever long. Five minutes before work, twenty minutes under a tree at the kid's soccer practice, fifteen minutes waiting for the wife to "get ready," noodling while watching TV, takes it on business trips, learns songs that are family-friendly.

You may have to sacrifice other non-essential activities like movies, aimless surfing, mowing the lawn.

Another way is to make guitar playing part of something bigger than yourself, such as playing at your church, or for nursing homes, or other cool causes that occur fairly frequently. I believe that the ability to make music is a gift and it's a gift that gets better when shared.

It's a good question and I'd bet there are many approaches to it.

[totamus]

I have raised 5 children, and been divorced twice. It is hard to find a balance that works for all of your priorities. Family and Job are obviously the first priorities and they often leave little time for others. My children all saw I was playing guitar and wanted attention - precisely because I was focused on something other than them.

 

You have to look at it as a necessity and schedule it in. Because children do want your attention, and they see your playing time as an opportunity to get your attention, it is a good idea to go to separate room and close the door.

 

Frankly, I am looking back at what I did and recognizing what I should have done, not what I actually did. If I was doing it over, I would schedule a time every evening and make that Daddy's practice time. Not so long that it makes you an absentee Dad, but long enough to be meaningful (1/2 hour to an hour).

 

I would be firm about it being an alone time that must be respected, and make sure that you dont go over time.

 

I didnt do it that way, I liked to be with my family and enjoyed their company. I wanted to play with them around. What that did though was made the children jealous of the guitar (as I was right there, but not focused on them). After all the children don;t see it as "Daddy is practicing his music", they see it as "Daddy is not paying attention to me". If you dont have any other place, go to your bedroom, close the door and practice. Just make sure that you dont do it to excess.

 

If you are like me, it isn't an optional hobby, it is something that you need. You have to carve out a time for it.

[Queequeg]

Neil, I know that you are in something of a unique situation @ home with the kids. Still, once we have the basics covered (shelter, food) we scratch our way up the hierarchy of needs pyramid and some real self-actualization beckons. If guitar playing is it for you, as it is for many of us in here, then think about having this conversation with Mrs K.

Carve up your day, on paper with her, showing kid time and wife time and tell her that it is important to you to have some guitar time, otherwise you are feeling really stifled and unfulfilled. This is your "creative study/training" time. If she thinks of this as just a "hobby" you might not be lending the sort of gravitas to it that you and your music deserve, and that you require to feel fulfilled.

As some of you know, I am divorced. One of the things I never made clear while I was married was what I needed from the marriage including time for guitar. As soon as as my wife would hear the catches and latches on my guitar case, just like clockwork, she would call me. Time for dinner. Please take the trash out, go to the store, pull the clothes out of the dryer; just about anything. (I guess she wasn't my biggest fan.) But it seemed to serve as a signal to her that I was free for chores or having some down-time, or awaiting my next assignment. Of course, I felt a certain amount of resentment, but I never said anything. Perhaps if we had communicated better, on this, and lots of other things, who knows?

Frankly, these days, I enjoy being single in part because I make lots of time for myself, and I am very involved in my music. I volunteer @ The Ark (acoustic music venue) and the Michigan Theater, and I play in the lobby of the hospital on Saturdays for patients and families and at an open mic on Tuesday nights. I wouldn't expect anyone to tolerate all the hours I devote to music nowadays. But I have had a girlfriend for over 8 years and she always knows where I am and what I'm doing and she knows that music is a driving force in my life and she supports me in these endeavors.

In a couple of years, Neil, you can hold daily guitar workshops @ home with these kids. Won't be long before we'll be reading about your kids passing you up and teaching you some new licks.

[garthman]

There was a period of about 15 years when I hardly played at all: wife, kids, work, houses, etc, etc. Perhaps once a month I would take the guitar off the wall and pick a few tunes for 15 - 20 minutes: that was it. I really do wish I had spent more time playing but - c'est la vie.

[emergency_pants]

I know how you feel kwakatak.

I have a 2 year old daughter and you summed it up well when you said,

...if you fool with it too much or play something they clearly don't like be careful that they don't see it as competition for your attention.

That hit the nail on the head. For a little while, she used to help me strum but she soon realised that even though I was playing songs for her or singing with her, the guitar is bigger than she is and it makes more noise.

So I have an old 12-string which sits in the main room, visible at all times and it's treated more or less like a toy. it doesn;t get used at all, really.

In the next few months, I plan to get back into learning again as I've really not progressed in 15 years! I grab an hour here and there... night time is the best time for me and I play when everyone else is upstairs asleep.

I hope that as my daughter gets older, she might take an interest again... but you know it is up to her.

[bsman]

I dunno, maybe the wife and I are selfish, but we've always made time for the things that each of us loves to do, and made the kids understand (in no uncertain terms) that this was OUR time, and they were not to disturb us during those times when I was playing or my wife was pursuing her hobbies. We did this from the time the kids were able to understand (somewhere in the 18mo-2.5yr range) and they are now 24 and 16.

 

We always very firmly told the kids that "Mom and Dad come first, then the kids". It may sound selfish, but I've seen too many marriages come apart at the seams, and too often I think it's because the parents sacrifice their identity and bend over backwards for the kids. Frankly, we weren't willing to do this, and surprisingly, our kids are well-adjusted, productive members of society, and not maladjusted monsters. Who could guess???

[Hudman]

The only time I couldn't find much time to play was after our first child was born.

 

She was born in March and I started my apprenticeship program in June. I spent the next 3 years working 10-12 hours a day (6 or 7 days a week) and going to college 3-4 nights a week (year round - 3 semesters) and remodeling our first home ( a fixer-upper). I completed a 4 year program in just under 3 years. Needless to say, there wasn't much time to play guitar when I was home because I did my best to help out with our daughter.

 

I would go 4 weeks at a time without touching a guitar.

 

Now we have 3 children (age 11, 7 and 7 months). I leave a guitar hanging on the wall at all times. I grab it whenever I get a chance.

[Samilyn]

As advised above, take whatever times come available, whether it's only 10 minutes or a couple of hours. That's the only way I can work git into my too-heavy schedule.

[Sparhawk]

I hear ya Kwak. I think everyone has to figure out what works best for them. What works for the rest of us may or may not work for you. My son just turned 10 and I am just now really being able to get back into playing and then only late at night and most nights I have to do it out doors. My son was born 3 months premature. He wasn't supposed to come home. Neither was my wife. I have them both 10 years later. My wife suffers from severe migranes, sleep apnea, CPD & asthma, diabetes and fibromyalgia (ok, now you know why I get to play outside alot). I work full time and get to do the coooking and house cleaning and all the other chores that need getting done. It was my choice to put my playing on hold and it was my choice to pick it back up again. Talk it over with your wife and find out what works for you. When the kids get older, it may change your pattern again and again.

Just don't put it aside unless it's your choice to do so. Hang in there.

[GrooveMonkey]

This is a great thread.

I play for my Son all the time but he's just 21 months old, I'm hoping he plays someday. Every time I ask him "Hey Sam, watchoo wanna do?" he yells "Di-tarrrr!!!" He has a cheap nylon string 3/4 scale that my Sister gave him for Christmas and it's looking pretty beat already, like Willie Nelson's guitar...

[jwm1958m]

As others have said....play for the kids. I used to play bedtime songs, I'd sit on the floor at the bathroom door and play while the kids played in the tub, I could even find time to play when they were playing.

Just keep trying and you will find ways.

[Misha]

how do you make time to keep up on your skills when you have kids?

Just give them to me!

[kwakatak]

I just wanted to stress that this was a rhetorical question. I'm not planning on giving up on playing guitar. My at-home playing time is fine. I actually want to get out of the house more and play. I was just wondering if anyone else out there also placed an importance on playing in light of responsibilities.

[Misha]

I just wanted to stress that this was a rhetorical question. I'm not planning on giving up on playing guitar. My at-home playing time is fine. I actually want to get out of the house more and play. I was just wondering if anyone else out there also placed an importance on playing in light of responsibilities.

 

Personally, when I said: "give them to me", I was talking about the kids... not the guitars! :poke:

 

(Adoption is too expensive!)

 

.... Ok.... I shup up!

 

(I can't play guitar because of pain in my shoulder! I need to do something else.... like taking care of kids... This is my thirty-something life crisis I think! )

[kwakatak]

Personally, when I said: "give them to me", I was talking about the kids... not the guitars! :poke: (Adoption is too expensive!) .... Ok.... I shup up! (I can't play guitar because of pain in my shoulder! I need to do something else.... like taking care of kids... This is my thirty-something life crisis I think! )

LOL - you don't know what you'd be in for, Misha!

[Cozmo]

As with everyone else here, Neil, I'm there with you, buddy. I have four kids myself (ages 8, 6, 4, and 1 1/2), and I'm at work full time. I just finished school this past spring, so for a few years there, I had almost no time for anything else.

 

For me, I have to have music. It's like that line from the movie August Rush:

"You like music?"

"More than food."

 

My wife and I usually get our kids down around 8pm, and sometimes we have other chores that eat up our remaining free time, but I always try and play for at least 30 minutes a night (and sometimes that 30 minutes can go for an hour or two). Fortunately my wife enjoys my playing and likes to fall asleep to my playing old James Taylor songs and the like.

 

But sometimes I luck out and have an excuse to play with the kids too. We're really blessed that our kids like the same kind of music that we listen to, so my kids like Feist and Sufjan Stevens and all that stuff. My 8-year-old son got a cheap old Sears Roebuck guitar from a garage sale, so we strung it up and tuned it to an open D so he can play something that resembles a song. Sometimes we play together and I let him use my bottleneck. I'm also learning a bunch of old Woodie Guthrie songs to play to the other kids, songs like "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8" and "Little Sack o' Sugar". Another great writer of kids songs is Raffi. He's got a handful of albums and they're all packed with songs that are fun for kids and grown-ups.

 

I guess my point is that guitar, and music in general, is so lovely because there's something for everyone.

[Bitt81]

I dunno, maybe the wife and I are selfish, but we've always made time for the things that each of us loves to do, and made the kids understand (in no uncertain terms) that this was OUR time, and they were not to disturb us during those times when I was playing or my wife was pursuing her hobbies. We did this from the time the kids were able to understand (somewhere in the 18mo-2.5yr range) and they are now 24 and 16. We always very firmly told the kids that "Mom and Dad come first, then the kids". It may sound selfish, but I've seen too many marriages come apart at the seams, and too often I think it's because the parents sacrifice their identity and bend over backwards for the kids. Frankly, we weren't willing to do this, and surprisingly, our kids are well-adjusted, productive members of society, and not maladjusted monsters. Who could guess???

 

 

My guess is when you told them that "Mom and Dad come first" that couldn't have been meant necessarily as it sounds.

[bsman]

My guess is when you told them that "Mom and Dad come first" that couldn't have been meant necessarily as it sounds.

 

 

 

Actually, to some extent, it does! I think in many respects, parents can be TOO deferential to the wants and desires of their kids. I mean, obviously, as a parent one is responsible to meet the needs of the child, but too many folks sacrifice too much to ensure that their children have every material possession they want, and as a result, there are some pretty {censored}ed-up kids in this world. I think children need to understand that a mom and dad were together before the kids, and hopefully will remain together long after the kids are grown and gone. Therefore, it is vital that parents not totally subsume their needs in meeting every whim of the children.

 

*click*

[Cozmo]

I totally agree with this. My kids have a pretty sensitive radar, and when my wife and I are not in sync with each other, they pick up on that right away. So we've made it a point to let the kids know that my wife and I love them and will provide for them, but we love each other more. That way, when we're clicking with each other, the kids feel more secure about their own situation.

[kwakatak]

You make it sound like your kids are almost rational. Mine certainly aren't and I have the diagnoses to prove it. OK, so maybe the younger one isn't irrational per se but he's at that age where it's all about finally getting to things under his own power. I watch my guitars closely the way it is, but now I'm going to have to be doubly careful and keep them in their cases; the string swings are in the nursery which is currently in use.

[Hudman]

I agree that you may be able to give your children too many material objects if you have the financial means, but you can never give your children too much love.

 

Many parents are too selfish to take time from their hobbies and interests to spend time with their kids. I feel sorry for those kids.