Members Potts Posted August 30, 2012 Members Share Posted August 30, 2012 Q: What do you call a drummer in a tailored suit? A: "The Defendant" Q: What will you never say about a bass player? A: "That's the bass player's Porsche." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nchangin Posted August 30, 2012 Members Share Posted August 30, 2012 Q: How do you get 2 electric guitar players to play in perfect unison ? A: Shoot one of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guitarman63 Posted August 30, 2012 Members Share Posted August 30, 2012 What do you call a single drummer....... Homeless How do you get a bass player off your porch.......... Pay for the pizza Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MDLMUSIC Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 An oldie but a goodie... Three guys show up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them that the decision as to whether or not they get to enter heaven depends on what they did with their worldly goods they had accumulated while they were on Earth. The first man says, "I was a famous lawyer and I made millions of dollars. I left all of my money to my wife and children." "Okay," says St. Peter, "You can come in" The second man says, "I was a famous doctor and I made hundreds of millions of dollars. I left all of my money to charity." "Good enough," says St. Peter, "Come on in." The third man says, "To tell you the truth, I really didn't have any money to leave to anybody. I don't think I ever had more than about twenty dollars at any one time my entire life." "Really?" says St. Peter. "What kind of guitar did you play?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BlueStrat Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 Q: How many girl singers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one to hold it while the rest of the world revolves around her. Q:What's the diff between an onion and an accordion? A: No one cries when you chop up an accordion. Q: What do you call a trombone player with with a date book? A: An optimist! Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None- the keyboard player can do it with his left hand! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Vito Corleone Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb? 7. One to change the bulb, and six others to stand around and say "that guy sucks!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members EightString Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 Two singers walk past a pub... Hey, stop laughing! It could happen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members EightString Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 U2 is playing Live Aid, and between songs, Bono starts clapping. "Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." Someone shouts from the crowd, "Oy, then stop fookin' clappin' then!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bob Dey Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 How do you get a guitar player to turn down? ... Put sheet music in front of him. He's a high strung guitar player... and someone should string him up even higher.That karaoke singer is going places.... last night the audience chased him down the street.What a refreshing performance. Everyone feels refreshed when they wake up afterwards A bass player can't decide between 3 chicks which one he should marry. After a suggestion from the band leader, he decides to give each one a thousand dollars to see what they spend the money on. Chick number 1 said she bought nothing but new clotheschick number 2 spent $500 on new clothes and put the rest in the bankchick number 3 made investments in mutual funds So the band leader asks the bass player what he decided? Bass player, "I picked the one with the biggest tits"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members EightString Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 HAHAHAHAHAHA the bass player has $3000. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bob Dey Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 HAHAHAHAHAHA the bass player has $3000. The fallacy of the joke, or joke within the joke? Maybe borrowed the money from his mom? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members EightString Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 Did you hear about Oyvey Goldstein, the Jewish guitar hero? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Snowcow Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb? 100 1 to change the bulb and 99 to stand around and say "I could have done it better ... and faster". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pogo97 Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 How long does it take to tune a twelve-string guitar?No one knows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MDLMUSIC Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 My other Pearly Gates joke... Three guys show up in front of St. Peter. Pete says, "We need to know what your profession was while you were alive so we can put it in our ledger." The first guy says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and choirs of angels are singing and the doctor is illuminated by a heavenly light St. Peter says to the guy, "Welcome to Heaven, Doctor." The second guy says, "I was a lawyer." St. Peter again opens the gates to the angels and the light and says, "Welcome to Heaven, Counselor." The third guy says, "I was a musician." St. Peter says, "Okay, walk around to the side door, then go through the kitchen ..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pogo97 Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?A large pizza can feed a family of four. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members moogerfooger Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 Q: What Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BlueStrat Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 So, you have the Easter Bunny, a pitch-perfect sax and a female singer whomoves gear...which one doesn't belong? The Easter Bunny- the other two don't exist! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Terry Allan Hall Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? 10...one to actually do it, and nine to complain about it using electricity. ****************** What's the difference between a frog in the road and 90% of Heavy Metal bands? There's a faint chance of the frog being on the way to a paying gig. ****************** What happens if you play blues music backwards? Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison. ****************** What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? New Age music. ****************** Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it." ****************** Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician. Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both. ****************** Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members moogerfooger Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies? A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members moogerfooger Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 A musician dies and goes to Heaven, where he is directed to the heavenly night club. He sees a wonderful room, spacious stage, and an all-time all-star group of musicians. Recognizing Dizzie Gillespie, he walks over and asks "How's the gig here?" Diz says, "Well, you can see that the layout and the equipment is fine, we get fed gourmet food, the best wines and a little reefer to take the edge off." "That sounds perfect," says the new guy. "There's just one thing," Dizzy adds. "God's got this girlfriend who thinks she can sing.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Notes_Norton Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 Hard rock guitarist dies, and suddenly finds himself in a band. Jimi Hendrix is sitting next to him, John Entwistle on bass, Keith Moon on drums, plenty of others sitting around. Background singers include Otis Redding, Janis Joplin, Whitney Houston and he thinks to himself, "I must be in heaven. I don't know what I did to deserve this, I wasn't a good person, cheated my fellow musicians out of money, bedded married women too. God must be awfully forgiving". Just then Karen Carpenter steps out of the control booth and says, "OK, let's take it from the top again." ********* Q. Why do bagpipe players always march? A. To get away from the noise There are more but I'll give the others a chance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators daddymack Posted August 31, 2012 Moderators Share Posted August 31, 2012 Don't get me started... what do you do when you see your drummer staggering around the yard bleeding?Shoot him again... what's the difference between a large pizza and a heavy metal guitarist?the pizza can feed a family of four. What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test? Saliva. How can you tell when the drum riser is level?The drummer drools out both corners of his mouth What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft? A Flat Miner What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? They both perceive time as an abstract concept. Why are most guitarists like vacuum cleaners? You have to plug them in before they suck. How can you tell when a singer is at your door? he/she can't find the key, and they never know when to come in. What do you throw a drowning bass player? His amp. What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band? "When do we get to play MY songs?" A father was buying bass lessons for his son. The 1st week the father asked him what he had learned.The son said "On my 1st lesson we learned about the E string" The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week.The son said "On my 2nd lesson I learned about the A string" 3rd week came by and the father said to his son "You know these are expensive lessons; what have you learned this week?" The son said "I quit the lessons... I already got a gig" An L.A. recording session ground to a halt yesterday when the soprano sax player, who was constantly sucking on his reed to keep it moist between takes, inadvertently inhaled and swallowed it. The leader immediately called 911 and asked what he should do. The operator told him, "Use clarinet instead." what do you call a musician with a college degree? Night manager at McDonalds How do you reduce wind-drag on a drummer's car? Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mike McLaughlin Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door? Gradually, the knocking gets faster and faster. A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat comes back to the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything becoming alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bob Dey Posted August 31, 2012 Members Share Posted August 31, 2012 The piano player in a jazz trio says to the Girl Singer: "Why don't we play "Autumn Leaves" tonight, but with a new arrangement: after the 2nd verse, we add a bar of 7/4, modulate down a semitone, change tempo, do half the chorus, modulate up a minor third, go back to the verse while alternately slowing down and speeding up every three bars. Finally, the third time through the verse, we jump to the second half of the chorus at half speed, while changing key every bar." Girl Singer: "Gee, Marty, that sounds like a hard arrangement!" Piano Player: "Sweetheart, that's the way you sang it last night!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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