OT Humor for the new year

[agedhorse]

TOOLS EXPLAINED:

 

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shOOt!"

 

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

 

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

 

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

 

STUPID TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "You StOOpid (name of tool)" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Tomm Williams]

Unfortunately very accurate.

[Mogwix]

I've seen or done pretty much all of these.

 

*sigh*

[Rezrover]

Good stuff!!!

[Ryan.]

That was great.

[bigjd]

So very true!

[pro1-54]

SOLDERING IRON:

Great for starting fires when left unattended smoldering on a workbench.

[karlw]

Yup. Been there, done those.

 

It should also be added that the bandsaw is better than just about any other tool for zipping a slot into the nearest body part, usually a thumb.

[stix 518]

I must be doing something wrong. For every single one of the tools listed, and although to the extent they have been accurately defined, many neglect to mention the physical harm and bodily injury that invariably has been inflicted by use of same (pliers, wire wheel, vice grips et. al. notwithstanding) i.e. Utility Knife: excellent tool for slicing fingers open so you can visually examine the bone; Skill Saw: ... studs and fingers too short. Eh, you get the picture.

 

Very good, AH. So true, so true.

 

Stix

[NUSound]

Welder: A device used to permanently secure two pieces of metal exactly one inch from where you wanted them. Also spews sparks that manage to arc into your gloves or behind your apron. Can also be used to ignite nearby aerosol cans.

[W. M. Hellinger]

I'll offer an addition:

 

Easy Outs: This is an oxymoron describing a device which hopelessly wedges the body of a bolt in a threaded medium (such as an engine head or other expensive piece of metal). As the coup de grace of using the right tool for the job, generally the hardened tool steel of either the "Easy Out" or the precursor drill bit will be broken off inside the body of the bolt to absolutely assure permanent placement of the broken bolt within the threaded medium. Proper name of an Easy Out would be

[Dogoth]

Don't forget the wire wheel's excellent secondary use as a metal splinter projectile launcher. The one's on the end of die grinders are particularly good at this as they can be aimed at things like your face (ALWAYS WEAR GOGGLES) or the dog (sorry rover :-().

 

Great stuff Agedhorse, I'm gonna share this one for sure.

[Coaster]

i shot an 18 gauge 1.5" staple through my finger at 90psi last summer. and i didnt tell my wife for two weeks; i dont know how i managed to hide the purple/black swollen mess that was my finger for that long.

 

thats kinda funny, isnt it? so how about

 

AIR NAILER - promptly nail your finger to the project you are working on.

[Coaster]

crown MACRO-IT8000 finally enough power for those cheap entry level 100 watt speakers.

[wades_keys]

crown MACRO-IT8000 finally enough power for those cheap entry level 100 watt speakers.

Just make sure you don't underpower them.

[agedhorse]

SOLDERING IRON: Great for starting fires when left unattended smoldering on a workbench.

 

When the phone rings be sure that you don't answer the soldering iron

[NUSound]

When the phone rings be sure that you don't answer the soldering iron

 

I practically did this two months ago. I set the iron back in its stand and turned my chair around to answer the phone. The armrest got caught on the cable and pulled the iron out, which landed right on the back of my hand... got the scar to prove it.

[Mogwix]

 

I practically did this two months ago. I set the iron back in its stand and turned my chair around to answer the phone. The armrest got caught on the cable and pulled the iron out, which landed right on the back of my hand... got the scar to prove it.

 

When I was in college, I was in an electronics lab where another class was doing their practical exam, which was to neatly solder a collection of components onto a PCB. I was watching one of the students as he struggled to get the pcb, the iron, and the solder into a comfortable position. At one point, he put the soldering iron in his other hand by grabbing the heated end between his index and middle fingers, like a pencil. Obviously that was a mistake.

[stix 518]

Power Tools: the reason the terms "Oooh, that's gonna hurt" and "Bet that leaves a mark" were invented.

 

Stix

[RoadRanger]

crown MACRO-IT8000 finally enough power for those cheap entry level 100 watt speakers.

Remember when this was a joke that nobody ever thought would exist:

http://www.crownaudio.com/pdf/legacy/belchfire_datasheet.pdf

and now we've gone above and beyond that.

[pro1-54]

Remember when this was a joke that nobody ever thought would exist: http://www.crownaudio.com/pdf/legacy/belchfire_datasheet.pdf and now we've gone above and beyond that.

 

Yup - and they aren't 6 feet long!

That spec always made me chuckle.

[Craig Vecchione]

I've seen this several times, and it makes me chuckle every time as I recall each personal "incident" (I'm not sure they legally qualify as "accident":D) from my past.

 

Thanks, Andy:thu:

[J the D]

You forgot the grinding wheel that comes apart when turned on sending shrapnel along the plane of the wheel. NEVER stand in the line of fire when powering up the wheel.

[sfarfsky]

good read

[agedhorse]

My personal "favorite" came from operating an angle grinder with a cutoff disc without the guard. Fortunately I have very quick, sensitive reflexes so the cut wasn't too deep.