Members jgthatsme Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 A kid is shopping with his dad when they take a wrong turn in the drug store. The kid says "daddy, daddy - what are those for?" The dad says, "son, that's a three pack of condoms for when you're in high school - two for Friday and one for Saturday." The kid then says "daddy, daddy - what are those for?" The dad says "son, that's a six pack of condoms for when you're in college - two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." The kid then says "daddy, daddy - what are those for?" The dad says "son, that's a twelve pack of condoms for when you're married - one for January, one for February..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RoadRanger Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 Q: How are a bass solo and a blind javelin thrower alike? A: Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move out of range. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Phil Clark Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 How can you tell theres a drummer at the front door? The knocking speeds up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Telecruiser Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. "Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' "I don't remember much after that" !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rezrover Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 Gonna have to borrow that one Telecruiser!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members W. M. Hellinger Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 How can you tell theres a drummer at the front door? The knocking speeds up. Unless he's singing... then the knocking slows down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kmart Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 Unless he's singing... then the knocking slows down. No, no, no......the way you tell it's a singer at the door is... 1) Can't find the key2) Even when the door is unlocked, they still don't know when to come in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members W. M. Hellinger Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 Maybe I've told this one here before... maybe not: Three guys arrived at the Pearly Gates about the same time. St. Peter was there to greet them, and check them through the gate, but he had some forms to fill out... motions the first guy up and asks him: "Your name?" "Jerry" "How much money did you make in your working lifetime and what was your profession?" Jerry said: "Oh, I guess I did pretty good... probably made about $10M total... I was a neurosurgeon." St. Peter waves Jerry through, and motions for the next guy to come up and asked him the same questions. "Bob" answers: "I made a decent living... probably totaled up to $600K... I was a career bus driver." St. Peter waves Bob through and motions for the last guy to come up, and asks him the same questions. "Johnny" sez (rather sheepishly): "I didn't make much money all those years... probably didn't total up to much more that $25K." St. Peter sez: "Really? So what bands did you play in?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mogwix Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 The rumpled, bleary-eyed man says, "I was a bass player.""Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..." *sigh* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members twostone Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 How can you tell theres a drummer at the front door? The knocking speeds up. Good one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dboomer Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 A drunk walks up to the bandleader at a wedding in New York and says "Can you guys play New York, New York?" The bandleader says " Why of course sir, after all this Is New York and we're a wedding band" So the drunk says "OK, but can you play it in 5/4?" Bandleader looks a bit puzzled, but after checking with the band says "I think we can pull it off" So the drunk says "great, follow me ....' Start spreadin the f*ckin news ..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dogoth Posted August 12, 2011 Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car, and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So, the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, intelligence, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket, he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy, points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a**hole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand, the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination, the defense attorney asks: "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, with the same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative, there is an "AH" underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, sir. "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for "a**hole???" The Officer replys "Well, sir, he's your client. You know him better than I do." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members W. M. Hellinger Posted August 12, 2011 Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 A touring musician was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all the time, except on Sundays," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on Sunday?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JohnnyGraphic Posted August 12, 2011 Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 Slight deviation from musician and lawyer jokes: My Favorite Animal Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Friedchicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, becauseeveryone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Friedchicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and hesaid my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sentme to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and helaughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animalwas. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked theother children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and toldme not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to behonest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admiremost. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mike M Posted August 12, 2011 Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 My turn: How many chick singers does it take to change a light bulb? answer: one "I just hold the bulb and the whole world revolves around me" Mike Monte Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mike M Posted August 12, 2011 Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 What is the difference between a dead accordian player lying in the street and a dead skunk lying in the street? answer: skid marks infront of the skunk What's the other difference? answer: The skunk was on his way to a gig. Mike Monte Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RoadRanger Posted August 12, 2011 Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 Q: How many forumites does it take to insult half the human population? A: Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - "You drive, I'll man the guns". 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RoadRanger Posted August 12, 2011 Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 Did you hear the one about the sound guy that walked into a bar and thought the mix was perfect? Me neither. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members NUSound Posted August 12, 2011 Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 1) "What's the difference between a soprano and a rotweiller?" "The Jewelry." 2) "What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?" "The lipstick." 3) "I went to a show the other night... started 45 minutes late. Talked to the manager later on, turns out the drummer had locked his keys in his car and it took them all of 45 minutes to get the bass player out." 4) "What's the difference between God and a sound guy?" "God doesn't think he's a sound guy." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sibyrnes Posted August 12, 2011 Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 What do you say to a guitar player wearing a suit? Will the defendant please rise. Perfect pitch - throwing a banjo in a dumpster and hitting an accordian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Phil Clark Posted August 12, 2011 Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 Bill standing on stage yells to his girlfriend on the floor "Hey, where's Tom at?". His girlfriend replies "Probably someplace where they don't end their sentences with prepositions." Bill thinks for a moment and says "Ok, where's Tom at, BITCH". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BillESC Posted August 12, 2011 Author Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 I resemble that remark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BillESC Posted August 12, 2011 Author Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 Harlequin Romance, Version 2011 He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands Start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves,slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting And expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say .. . . . "Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Phil Clark Posted August 12, 2011 Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 What do you call a banjo buried half way up the neck in sand? Not enough sand. --- What do you call 100 banjos at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. --- What do you call a banjo player with a pager? An optimist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members madjack Posted August 12, 2011 Members Share Posted August 12, 2011 How do you stop a guitarist from playing? Put sheet music in front of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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