Members BillESC Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 A Little Humor A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members musicmanmu Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 The most humorous part of this joke was the fact that you felt the need to censor the word "God." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rezrover Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavors. "Darling, I'll turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavor." As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: "Gorgonzola!!!" "Wait, it isn't on yet." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stix 518 Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 Oh, that is SO bad. I mean, that's just not right. Stix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BillESC Posted August 10, 2011 Author Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 The most humorous part of this joke was the fact that you felt the need to censor the word "God." I didn't censor it, it was a cut and paste. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rezrover Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping: "Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members musicmanmu Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavors. "Darling, I'll turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavor." As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: "Gorgonzola!!!" "Wait, it isn't on yet." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members musicmanmu Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 I didn't censor it, it was a cut and paste. Gotcha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members flanc Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RoadRanger Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 A man goes to a pacific island for vacation. As the boat nears, he notices the constant sound of drumming. As he gets off the boat, he asks a native how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when drumming stops." Later that day, the drumming is still going and it is really starting to get to him. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been spooked. "Very bad when drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, the man had had enough. He grabbed the first native he saw, slammed him up against a tree, and shouted, "What happens when the drumming stops?!" The native replied, "Bass solo." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rezrover Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom I like this one!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RoadRanger Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 St. Peter's still checks ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" The next person says, "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" The rumpled, bleary-eyed man says, "I was a bass player." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kmart Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 Impressive: I've only heard one of these (bass solo) before, and most of them are actually funny to boot! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RoadRanger Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 Little Johnny's father finally agrees to teach him to play bass, just like his dad. For the first lesson, Dad shows Johnny the E string and tells him to practice thumping on just that string. Nice, even quarter notes. For the second lesson, Dad shows Johnny the A string, telling him to just thump away on it - again, nice, even quarter notes. For the third lesson, Dad shows him how to go back and forth: A - E - A - E. Back and forth, just like a Country bass line. Nice, even quarter notes. When Johnny doesn't show up for his fourth lesson, Dad calls his wife at work to see if Johnny forgot about his lesson. The wife replies, "Oh. Didn't you hear? He left this morning to tour with Garth Brooks." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Shaster Posted August 10, 2011 Members Share Posted August 10, 2011 ^^^ made me fall on the floor! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members W. M. Hellinger Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 Little Johnny's father finally agrees to teach him to play bass, just like his dad. For the first lesson, Dad shows Johnny the E string and tells him to practice thumping on just that string. Nice, even quarter notes. For the second lesson, Dad shows Johnny the A string, telling him to just thump away on it - again, nice, even quarter notes. For the third lesson, Dad shows him how to go back and forth: A - E - A - E. Back and forth, just like a Country bass line. Nice, even quarter notes. When Johnny doesn't show up for his fourth lesson, Dad calls his wife at work to see if Johnny forgot about his lesson. The wife replies, "Oh. Didn't you hear? He left this morning to tour with Garth Brooks." That's pretty good... I'll file that one. 'Cept... I'd suspect the lesson would start on the E string if teaching open strings (actually, I started on second string second fret C and then learned third string second fret F & and fifth fret G before playing professionally). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RoadRanger Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 I started on second string second fret CI'm pretty sure that the "C" is at the third fret - the "F" on the third string too but yah got that "G" right . Or was you makin' a bass player joke about how they only get 1/3 of the notes right ? One night the band leader approaches the bands bassist and asks him to play a little more free. "What do you mean ?" the bass player asks. The keyboardist replies "well, for instance, when we start ' One Note Samba ', you wait 3 bars and come in on flat 3rd, then play 2 bars and skip the next one. Go straight to the turn around, then play flat 7th for 5 bars, and finish early with a sharp 5th." The bassist considers this for many minutes, and finally says he can't possibly accomplish such a mammoth task, especially since the part the leader described would sound so dissonant. To which the leader angrily says, "well, why not? That's exactly what you played last night!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fishmanrod Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 I love it! I play bass. I HATE bass solos. Cheers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fishmanrod Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 I like this one!!! Do y'all know that genetic researchers have established that the rate is one in five children, the dad is NOT who the mom says the Dad is?My X was doing an article on genetic research and a researcher told her this. Apparently it is pretty consistent over race, socio-economic conditions, relegion, etc."What do you tell the family when you find this out?" she asked. "We tell them we lost the results and don't have time to come back and redo the work", says the researcher. After all, the data is no good to them, and the Mom knows, and if she's not talking what business do the researchers have filling everyone in? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members W. M. Hellinger Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 I'm pretty sure that the "C" is at the third fret - the "F" on the third string too but yah got that "G" right . Or was you makin' a bass player joke about how they only get 1/3 of the notes right ? No, I was dead serious. I don't consider the nut to be a fret (because I'm a soundman too). Zero isn't the first number in my book... I generally start with 1, unless the calculation involves something less than 1. Last I knew, Zero is zero, not 1... but then, last I experienced, "C" was average... "A" was in the upper 3 percentile. {censored}... for all I know... second string bottom position C on a bass might on the 7th fret now (I play a 30yo. bass... when I'm not playing my 47yo. or my 52yo. bass (carefully)). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members W. M. Hellinger Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 Do y'all know that genetic researchers have established that the rate is one in five children, the dad is NOT who the mom says the Dad is? Hear tell, that's exactly why infants tend to look more like dad than mom... because dad might need a little more reassurance than mom of who dad is... mom generally needs no reassurance of who the mother of the child is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members W. M. Hellinger Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 I love it!I play bass.I HATE bass solos.Cheers! I really like bass solos done right... unfortunately, I don't have the chops: This would more likely be "me": Surfing around... I do feel a little better now (knowing I'm not alone): The music stand makes it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwlsPOnxzfk&feature=related And... how to get chicks: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members scarecrowbob Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 We finally go the stage level at one of the venues where I work... you can tell because the drool comes out of -both- sides of the drummer's mouth... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RoadRanger Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 Son: "Daddy, I want to grow up and be a bass player." Father: "Son, you can't have it both ways." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RoadRanger Posted August 11, 2011 Members Share Posted August 11, 2011 I really like bass solos done right... unfortunately, I don't have the chops:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVl39LBZGMwYah know - I didn't "get" The Who until I saw an interview with Townsend where he stated that he was "just" the rhythm guitarist. That explained a lot about why they sound the way they do - John always had a LOT of space to fill up and did one heck of a job of it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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