Overcoming musical insecurity

[DarkHorseJ27]

My wife plays keyboard, and she didn't like it when I expressed interest in the keyboard. She is afraid that I'll pick it up real fast and become better than her, which I don't think she has anything to worry about because when I play around on it it sounds like a keyboard, when she does it sounds like a piano (she has some natural talent for it). However, I do know what it feels like the feel threaten by a better player than you and I can understand not wanting some better than you.

 

I decided not to take up keyboard because it would stretch my time too thin, with college, work, and playing my acoustic. However a new problem has surfaced. She doesn't want me to learn any songs that she knows or is learning (a part of it is she is overly competitive). I want us to play together, but how is that going to happen if we can't learn the same songs? The first song she learned is Fur Elise. I later found a simple transcription for Fur Elise in a Guitar World issue and learned it about a day, and it made her feel a little threatened, even though her transcription was harder and she learned it fast for a beginner.

 

Most recently I have learned to sing better (not good, just not bad enough to make dogs howl). She is a good singer, but now she doesn't like it that I can sing okay, never mind that she has a larger range than I do, better tone, a wonderful vibrato, and good force and volume for a woman.

 

It seems to be that I can't do something if she is already doing it, even is she does it better. Any tips on helping her overcome her musical insecurity?

[Red 5]

takes time, at least that's what has helped me.

[Gary Palmer]

Why not learn something you know she'll like - without telling her - and let her catch you playing and singing the song as you casually strum or pick away. Not so much in her face, but little more like background elevator music. It'll either sneak into her subliminal consciousness or she'll pick up on the idea and decide to learn it straight away. Sneaky, sneaky, crafty monkey.

Either way ........... Have her think it was her idea and you're onto a winner.

[Michael Martin]

Hmmm...from where I sit: if you've described this situation accurately, and there's no essential context left out that would explain this "insecurity" on her part, then I'd say your wife has maturity "issues". Her attitiude and behavior sound downright childish to me.

I mean, aren't married people partners, as opposed to competitors? And wouldn't the music (made by either of you) become strengthened by collaboration, rather than diminished?

[gthom]

I'm confused...she doesn't want you to learn songs on guitar that she knows on piano?

:confused:

[outdoorgb]

Hmmm...from where I sit: if you've described this situation accurately, and there's no essential context left out that would explain this "insecurity" on her part, then I'd say your wife has maturity "issues". Her attitiude and behavior sound downright childish to me. I mean, aren't married people partners, as opposed to competitors? And wouldn't the music (made by either of you) become strengthened by collaboration, rather than diminished?

I agree...How about a little support here? It's a progress, not oppression:confused:

[Cripes]

Could it be she looks down her nose at the guitar as an inferior instrument that in some way (hers) cheapens the music she enjoys? Otherwise, could it be she wants to keep her musical direction separate so she can develop without other input or what she considers distracting? She may well be a loner with regard to "her" music. I'm very much like that with music. I'll share what I know but I do not want another guitarist(s) within my aural range when developing something. Their good intent is noted but not needed.

[martinipm]

Hmmm...from where I sit: if you've described this situation accurately, and there's no essential context left out that would explain this "insecurity" on her part, then I'd say your wife has maturity "issues". Her attitiude and behavior sound downright childish to me. I mean, aren't married people partners, as opposed to competitors? And wouldn't the music (made by either of you) become strengthened by collaboration, rather than diminished?

I totally agree. The great thing about having a dedicated life partner is not having to worry about petty issues such as this.

[picothinker]

Why not learn something you know she'll like - without telling her

 

Excellent idea! Then come up with something like "Honey, let's do this one, the piano and guitar would sound great together".

 

I agree there are some strange things going on there, but I can't say what they are. I am blessed with a wife that not only likes me playing music, but when playing out, she's a good 'band girl' and is helping to roll up cords and haul stuff at 1 am.

[Gary Palmer]

I agree...How about a little support here? It's a progress, not oppression:confused:

 

 

Hear, hear.

 

One of my sisters used to suffer a similar problem when learning guitar with her husband, but it had more to do with his overbearing ways than insecurity. His attitude was enough to make the pope swear, as sometimes what was intended as helpful advice proved more unsettling to her progress than helpful. Regardless of his meddling being of the best of intentions.

 

Sometimes people need to muddle through by themselves, as the end reward at the point of success is often more satisfying.

[Gary Palmer]

Excellent idea! Then come up with something like "Honey, let's do this one, the piano and guitar would sound great together". I agree there are some strange things going on there, but I can't say what they are. I am blessed with a wife that not only likes me playing music, but when playing out, she's a good 'band girl' and is helping to roll up cords and haul stuff at 1 am.

 

 

My wife tends toward the "turn a deaf ear" side of the musical spectrum, but she provides far more support than anyone could ever hope to wish for.

[RizinRico]

My X-wife had that same problem with feeling threatened by the two of us sharing something fun and creative. Your tale sounds very familiar to me. Good Luck.

[Cripes]

Well, I don't know any married couples who would make some of the statements I've read here about their marriages with a straight face. Wait, nope they separated so they could have more "space". Never mind.

[NEWYORK]

You sure have got one sick pyscho wife !
Get a divorce !.....

[babablowfish]

This seems like a reflection of a more general problem with self-esteem and security. I think "trying" to get her to change might just reinforce the resistance. I would just sit and listen to her plaing with open admiration and continue to tell her how much you appreciate her playing without trying to convince her of anything and in time hopefully she will feel ready to take the risk of playing together.

 

Of course I may be completely wrong.

[babablowfish]

You sure have got one sick pyscho wife ! Get a divorce !.....

 

 

That is a despicable thing to say!

[garthman]

That is a despicable thing to say!

 

 

He's that sort of poster I'm afraid - a sad sort of dickhead really.

[NEWYORK]

This seems like a reflection of a more general problem with self-esteem and security. I think "trying" to get her to change might just reinforce the resistance. I would just sit and listen to her plaing with open admiration and continue to tell her how much you appreciate her playing without trying to convince her of anything and in time hopefully she will feel ready to take the risk of playing together. Of course I may be completely wrong.

 

You sure are !

Sometimes you have to cruel to be kind !

Get a divorce !

[NEWYORK]

He's that sort of poster I'm afraid - a sad sort of dickhead really.

 

You may be right however I am not prone to mollesting small furry animals like youself as evidenced in your avatar.

Such a disgusting fetish !

[Brokepick]

He's that sort of poster I'm afraid - a sad sort of dickhead really.

Ignoring the dickheads is the best idea.

[bigald18]

I've heard there is a fool born every five minutes in New York!

What I think you need to do (and I'm great on relationships-been married three times!) is to sit down with your wife and have a heart-to-heart talk with no instruments in hand. Suggest to her that you would like to have a duo with her because she is great on the keyboard and you would like her to create the arrangements for the songs and do the vocals. Let her think that she will be running the show and not you. That should boost her confidence.

I for one have deep seated insecurities about playing in public and being judged. I track that back to my father who always told me I sounded terrible.
Everything I did in my life was bad as far as he was concerned and it has maintained a place in my mind through adulthood. I'll be sixty soon and it still bothers me. Maybe she's got some deep seated hurts from the past that are causing her to be like this. See what you can do to get her to talk about these things. Hope this helps.

bigald18:wave:

[outdoorgb]

You may be right however I am not prone to mollesting small furry animals like youself as evidenced in your avatar. Such a disgusting fetish !

 

 

Hey Yorky,

 

you seem a bit tight in the shorts. Was your username BREEDLOVER a while back or are you just another intraweb superhero? Just wondering...Well not really:blah:I could not care less.

[3red]

you need to get right up in her face with an electric and pwn her, totally demoralize her. then when she's broken you can let her join your band

[Maximum]

This seems like a reflection of a more general problem with self-esteem and security. I think "trying" to get her to change might just reinforce the resistance. I would just sit and listen to her plaing with open admiration and continue to tell her how much you appreciate her playing without trying to convince her of anything and in time hopefully she will feel ready to take the risk of playing together. Of course I may be completely wrong.

 

 

This sounds like a good idea.

 

But, as babablowfish says, this is not really a music problem. Therapy, whether for her or for you both as a couple, would be a good idea.

[NEWYORK]

I've heard there is a fool born every five minutes in New York! What I think you need to do (and I'm great on relationships-been married three times!) is to sit down with your wife and have a heart-to-heart talk with no instruments in hand. Suggest to her that you would like to have a duo with her because she is great on the keyboard and you would like her to create the arrangements for the songs and do the vocals. Let her think that she will be running the show and not you. That should boost her confidence. I for one have deep seated insecurities about playing in public and being judged. I track that back to my father who always told me I sounded terrible. Everything I did in my life was bad as far as he was concerned and it has maintained a place in my mind through adulthood. I'll be sixty soon and it still bothers me. Maybe she's got some deep seated hurts from the past that are causing her to be like this. See what you can do to get her to talk about these things. Hope this helps. bigald18:wave:

 

 

And there's a fool born every minute in Coneticut !

Here you are a self confessed insecure neurotic.

A pale shadow of the man you could and should have been.

So who are you with your insecure disturbances to give advice to a man who has a wife that is mentally immature and in need of psychiatric treatment to lecture on the subject of psychology ?

Most well meaning amateurs have little grasp as to the complexities of neurosis, jealousies and paranoias. If you had even the slighest understanding you would have cured youself years ago.

Sieze the moment ! ... To hell with putting up with crap ! - Live, fly, be free and happy!

When confronted with a bad situation we all hacve two choices.

One.....Accept the situation and live with it.

Two.....Change the situation by taking control and doing something about it.

How can this man grow mentally and spiritually when he has a bitter sick and twisted partner that inflicts her insecurities on him.

Some times a man has to fight for his survival and that includes emotional as well as physical survival.

How do you know that this man after having been freed from this twisted chain around his neck won't find a happier healthier and more fullfilling life.

This may be his moment to "sieze the moment" and find a partner that is supportive, rational, sane, loving and caring.

To hell with slowly becoming infected by her mental insecurities!

Life is to short to endure such madness !

Divorce her for her sake as well as yours !