Members vanlatte Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 I am a fargin wreck Some of you know I served my wife with divorce papers last week. I have since called it off. The last few years for me have been an exercise in frustation; knowing that I have a good wife but craving independance. After 15 years of marriage I decided to end it. I didnt realize it at the time, but I am beggining to wonder if I am depressed. I was emotionless through the whole process; it's almost like I blocked everything out to make it easier. I watched my wife crumble before my eyes getting quite possible the worst news she has ever had, other than the death of a loved one. I was utterly unmoved. Each step of the way I wondered if the next step would ignite some feeling in me, but nothing did. Then, 4 days after serving her, I was driving home and NINs "Hurt" happend to be playing. When it got to this line: What have I become My sweetest friend I was overcome with guilt and regret in such huge portions that I had to pull over. There was a small voice, somewhere inside whispering "You can't do this, you can't leave your sweetest friend. Go back to her" I raced home and we spent the entire day talking and crying. It was like all the pent up emotion had nowhere else to go and it just rocked both of us. I called off the divorce but we are not out of the woods yet. I am wondering if there is something deep going on here; I seem to have this namless pain that surfaces once in a while to lash out at those closest to me and it's been going on for far to long. I have never been a fan of counseling or "touchy feely" stuff so I am not really sure where to turn here. I feel like I am walking around in a fog; everything is far away and I am always on the verge of breaking down. Anyone been through this, or have any good advice on where to start? Might seem like an odd request to make on an internet forum but I know there are all shapes and sizes here and have come to value the opinions of many who post here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Undertoad Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 Do you show other symptoms of depression? They are: * Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood * Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism * Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness * Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex * Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down" * Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions * Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping * Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain * Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts * Restlessness, irritability * Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain If you are in a depressed state, everything can seem less meaningful, including your relationships. Many many people have benefitted from talk therapy, medication, or both. Put away any preconceptions you have about psychiatry and stuff, and if you have some of those symptoms, make an appointment to see a psychatric doc. You will thank yourself a thousand times over, if this is the case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bonoman Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 I've never been through anything like that because I've never been married, but I have seen several of my friends go through what would later be called "Their Self-Destructive Phase" and it almost sounds like you're in a similar position. I think the first step to correcting the behaviour is to realize that you have it, which you seem to have done with a little bit of help from Trent Reznor. The second step is to recognize when you're acting in a manner that you know is self-destructive and hurtful to the ones you love, and questioning yourself on why you're acting that way and what you really hope to accomplish with it. The third step is to make a conscious effort not to act that way rashly, and to always keep the end result of your words or actions in mind, and how you would feel if the tables were turned and you were on the receiving end. I'm not a psychologist by any means, and my life is {censored}ed up enough on its own that I don't know that I should be the person giving advice, but you asked, and that's my take on the problem. I hope it helps, or at least gives you something to think about as you try to discover why you've been feeling and acting the way you have. I think you're taking the step to ask us to help you is huge and a very positive thing, so keep on thinking out loud and your friends here will continue to support you when we have to and to kick you in the ass when we have to. Good luck, Van my man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SA Rios Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 yea, you sound pretty f'ed up to me. Get help from a professional, its not fair to your wife to put her through what you did to her. You basically gave her the bigest mind {censored} that she'd ever had. She sounds like a keeper if she's willing to work things out after this episode. You need one on one counseling and maybe a marrige counselor, it can only help the situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Zamfir Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 Very sorry to hear this, vanlatte. Find the right couples therapist. May take some shopping around (get references from friends?), given the mesh of three personalities. The good ones teach listening and communicating skills (which frankly, we men are often not particularly good at, so we get frustrated and angry when we don't get what we want). It's not all touchy feely. You may have to deal with some of that, because so many women want you to talk about feelings in the course of counseling and outside it. More importantly, you'll have to identify what are your hot button issues, and what are hers. Chances are, those are so hot right now, that neither of you can talk about them without triggering an immediate emotional response that doesn't help. Hence the reason for a couples therapist to play coach and even-handed referee, to keep all that {censored} in a constructive dialogue without explosions. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Emprov Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 Never been through your sitch either, I can't even begin to imagine what's going on inside your head. I think that what you're doing is a good thing -- posting. Many times writing things down forces us to think about things and look on situations differently. Hang in there bro and I really hope that you guys can get this thing figured out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bassius Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 www.zoloft.com :D:D serioulsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members T. Alan Smith Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 Thank God you two are talking and sharing your emotions. Start off by doing regular meditation. That takes real discipline, but it's necessary. Next, KEEP SHARING YOUR EMOTIONS WITH EACH OTHER. Finally, try taking the bulk of the attention you pay to yourself and your feelings, and put it into your wife and what she's feeling. Marriage is work. It's discipline. It takes discipline to take the time to spend only 5 mins and a few bucks to stop to get her a few stems of her favorite flower every Fri eve on your way home from work, but that simple gesture will greatly effect your marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Fran da Man Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 Yea vanlatte, put away all your preconcieved ideas about conseling; it does help when you feel all hope is lost. (been there done that, though not in a relationship setting. Mine was grief) And of course I was put on antidepressants, but it all got me through a rough time. You sound like your having a (i don't know your age) but a mid-life crisis, or something similar. From what you posted, it sounds like you are changing (inside). Time to put the party hat away, and your buddies (that are single) and figure out what you want to be when you grow up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members s4001 Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 It does sound like you have depression. I'm not a doctor, but unfortunately I've got WAY too much personal experience in this area. Some anecdotal advice: It's a good thing you're coming to grips with it now. It's also a good thing that it seems your wife will stick with you. If that's the case that's worth its weight in gold. The soonest you get help the better. Psychiatrists are basically druggists, for counseling you will need counselors or therapists. Actually you will need both. Try counseling first and only if the counselor feels medication is appropriate, a psychiatrist. If a counselor or psychiatrist doesn't feel right, fire them IMMEDIATELY and find another one. You may need to go thru several of them. There are people out there who can help you, but more who cannot. It's about personality, not technical ability. You may be prescribed some antidepressants. Bottom line is, everyone responds differently to them. There are some that can help, but it's going to be somewhat trial and error. Don't let a psychiatrist keep you on something if it is obviously not working. But keep in mind that there is help out there. You've got work ahead and even though it may sound impossible now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bnyswonger Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 Dude, if you love her (and it sounds like you do) you HAVE to get some counseling. Two people who really care about each other can usually find a way if there's the will. My divorce {censored}ed me up good. I didn't want it, I still loved my wife (despite her infidelity) and was willing to do whatever it took to get things back on track. The only problem was, she wasn't. It took me a year to figure that out. I probably should have been on anti-depressants, but didn't want anything clouding my judgement. I was basically psychotic for about a half year, lost close to 40 pounds, and she just watched it all & didn't do a thing. I finally figured that if she loved me at all she wouldn't have let me go through that... If you still love your wife - don't make her go through that. Get yourself some help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members takeout Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 Ditto the above. As "touchy feely" as therapy may seem, you gotta get some help with this. As above, get a referral from friends, or friends of friends, or whoever, who've been through similar circumstances. Don't give up because you think "this isn't working"; it may be that the therapist isn't hitting the right nerves with you two. Same with drugs, if there will be any. If Zoloft doesn't seem to help, ask for a reevaluation and a meds switch. Exhaust every option, giving each one a fair shake. I'm realizing a lot of things about my marriage right now, in the early stages, that I'm trying to nip in the bud. I feel for you, and hope you guys can get back on track. Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Weirdocat Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 woah. if I was your wife, I'd kick your ass for being such a {censored}, depression or no depression. You made the decision to divorce her, you need to go back over that and work out why you'd go to such extremes. Everything else has already been said Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vanlatte Posted May 18, 2005 Author Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by Weirdocat woah. if I was your wife, I'd kick your ass for being such a {censored}, depression or no depression. And I would deserve it. Believe me, this haunts me every second of my life I can't even look at her without tears welling up because I know the pain I have caused her. She is nothing short of incredible; anyone who would still want me around after all this is a rare find. Thankfully I didnt have to lose her in order to realize this. Thanks for the words, everyone. It means a lot to me. Pushing forward, Tony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sixgun77 Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 I've never been married, but I've been through counseling and I've been through depression. In my experience counseling works a lot better than someone trying to "fix" your problems with drugs. I spent 3 years in counseling and it was about the only thing that saved my relationship with my parents. It only worked because we all wanted it to and we found someone whome we all were comfortable talking to. I hope you can come to grips with your situation a lot quicker than I did. I was depressed for several years(and then years later while in the military, with enough associated problems to get kicked out for it) and had about 6 different drugs tried on me. Never worked. Life changes worked. Leaving high school and working full time instead wiped out all the depression problems I had had for literally 4 years. I became stress free almost literally overnight. I don't know if divorce is the answer for you, and won't claim to. A change of enviornment, even a short one sometimes works wonders for me. Once you two are more comfortable talking with eachother, you may want to think about taking a 3 or 4 day weekend. Go somewhere and get away from your daily life. Make time for you two to relax with eachother and work some things out without all the background stress of your normal routines happening. Of course, ask a proffesional about this first, I'm no expert. Good luck to you, you have all my sympathy and hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members venturawest Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 get therapy for the two of you, and for you alone. it's the only way you really stand a fair chance at surviving all this. good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members T. Alan Smith Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by vanlatte And I would deserve it. Believe me, this haunts me every second of my life ...and you've got a lifetime to work it all out together. Your wife seems very special. Your focus should be to hold tight onto her, whatever it takes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members basshunter Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 My post would pretty much read exactly like bnyswonger's, so I'll leave that out. But seriously brother, get some professional help. There's no shame in it and it works, so long as you go into it with an open mind and a desire to be helped. Just remind yourself that you are not only doing it for yourself, but for your family. You can do it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Weirdocat Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by Sixgun77 I've never been married, but I've been through counseling and I've been through depression. In my experience counseling works a lot better than someone trying to "fix" your problems with drugs. I spent 3 years in counseling and it was about the only thing that saved my relationship with my parents. It only worked because we all wanted it to and we found someone whome we all were comfortable talking to. I hope you can come to grips with your situation a lot quicker than I did. I was depressed for several years(and then years later while in the military, with enough associated problems to get kicked out for it) and had about 6 different drugs tried on me. Never worked. Life changes worked. Leaving high school and working full time instead wiped out all the depression problems I had had for literally 4 years. I became stress free almost literally overnight. I don't know if divorce is the answer for you, and won't claim to. A change of enviornment, even a short one sometimes works wonders for me. Once you two are more comfortable talking with eachother, you may want to think about taking a 3 or 4 day weekend. Go somewhere and get away from your daily life. Make time for you two to relax with eachother and work some things out without all the background stress of your normal routines happening. Of course, ask a proffesional about this first, I'm no expert. Good luck to you, you have all my sympathy and hope. can I just say (as a psychology student) that anti-depressants combined with cognitive therapy are often very effective. The drugs are not meant to "fix", but alleviate the symptoms whilst the cause is approached during therapy. Vanlatte, use whatever works. If you get prescribed drugs, take them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CMS Author Craig Vecchione Posted May 18, 2005 CMS Author Share Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by Weirdocat woah. if I was your wife, I'd kick your ass for being such a {censored}, depression or no depression. You made the decision to divorce her, you need to go back over that and work out why you'd go to such extremes. Everything else has already been said Depression is a disease. Would you kick someone's ass for having leukemia? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Weirdocat Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by Craigv Depression is a disease. Would you kick someone's ass for having leukemia? er.. it's a disorder. Different from a disease. Get it right. Whilst I would not kick anyone's ass for having leukemia, or slap someone for sneezing whilst they have a cold.. I'm sure that's no consolation to this mans' poor wife as she read the divorce papers. Regardless of his (at the moment undiagnosed) emotional condition, he still caused his wife untold misery. And that, in my opinion, deserves an ass whooping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Geddy'sFavHeadache Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 you'll get better dude, we all hit that faze once or twice in our life. try and look at the light of things, the more positive things in your life. hope you get well soon dude:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members niomosy Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 This sounds like a good start. I'm iffy on the whole counseling thing as well so I can understand where you're coming from. I can only say that it's best to remind yourself of your dear friend and remember that there are good times and bad times. For me, little breaks from the real world now and then mellow me out. Day trips up into wine country or other getaway type locations are good. Maybe a weekend on occasion. Hell, even a good comedy show can do wonders for you when you get to laugh a little. I also have several outlets for my anger, stress and frustration. It generally helps me avoid taking it out on my wife. Best of luck. I hope things turn out for the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bonoman Posted May 18, 2005 Members Share Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by Weirdocat er.. it's a disorder. Different from a disease. Get it right. Whilst I would not kick anyone's ass for having leukemia, or slap someone for sneezing whilst they have a cold.. I'm sure that's no consolation to this mans' poor wife as she read the divorce papers. Regardless of his (at the moment undiagnosed) emotional condition, he still caused his wife untold misery. And that, in my opinion, deserves an ass whooping. Actually, I'm going to have to disagree with you on that one, Kat, and I know you've got a degree in psychology so I'm actually pretty surprised that you don't count depression as a disease. What about manic-depression? It's more than just a Hendrix song, you know. It's a serious problem for those who suffer from it. Bipolarism can also be counted as a form of depression, from what I understand. I may be wrong, but in my experience those things are classified as diseases. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CMS Author Craig Vecchione Posted May 18, 2005 CMS Author Share Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by Weirdocat er.. it's a disorder. Different from a disease. Get it right. Whilst I would not kick anyone's ass for having leukemia, or slap someone for sneezing whilst they have a cold.. I'm sure that's no consolation to this mans' poor wife as she read the divorce papers. Regardless of his (at the moment undiagnosed) emotional condition, he still caused his wife untold misery. And that, in my opinion, deserves an ass whooping. Then every time a woman acts like Total Bitch because she's got PMS, her SO has every right to kick her ass for the misery she's caused. Disease. Disorder. Syndrome. Explain how the symantics make one excusable, the other not. Be sure to "Get it right". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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