Would you still work with this guy/chic?

[TrickyBoy]

So you think that was a pretty douchy thing to say too huh.. regardless if it even had anythuing to do with the sitch? He knew I wasnt there with anyone.

 

 

Yep.

[musicchic]

Yeah, but this isn't a relationship. It's all about music. Just treat it that way and don't be worried about the personal crap. I understand about being gun shy because of recent personal setbacks, so I know it's easier said than done... but just trying to put some perspective on things. Again... doesn't matter. If she's acting civilly toward you now, that's great. Just accept it with grace, be civil back, and don't worry about her possible motives for acting that way.

 

 

Yeah! Thats always been my attitude first and foremost! My concern is if this thing has potential to escalcate. Look.. my ex lied about what happened between us and made it look like it was me. He had proposed to an exgf that he had met while touring with one of the biggest jazz legends back in the day. She is a millionairre now. He was still carrying on about serious talk with me for 6 months before I foudn out what was going on. He told ppl afterwards he had a little month long email flirtation I was too jealous and possessive to get over it. He didnt mention he had proposed to her or the 6 months of emails they exchanged. I todl him if he continued to lie about what happened I would send all the emails to everyone I could find an email address for that he knew (I ended up befriending the other woman and we kicked him to the curb together at least).

 

I am afraid of these ppl putting me in some kind of false light too if {censored} hits the fan.

[Lee Flier]

My concern is if this thing has potential to escalcate.

Sure it does, but you can't control that. All you can do is do your part.

This is NOT your ex. It is NOT the same type of situation. This guy would NOT want to perform in public with you just to "set you up" if he didn't also think you were good and it would benefit him musically. Right? As long as that's the case, it's no use at all thinking about what "other" motives there may be. He can try to play games just for the drama but you don't have to play along, and so long as you don't, he's the one that will look bad if he tries to pull anything weird.

Meanwhile, hopefully you'll get some good gigs out of it.

[musicchic]

Sure it does, but you can't control that. All you can do is do your part. This is NOT your ex. It is NOT the same type of situation. This guy would NOT want to perform in public with you just to "set you up" if he didn't also think you were good and it would benefit him musically. Right? As long as that's the case, it's no use at all thinking about what "other" motives there may be. He can try to play games just for the drama but you don't have to play along, and so long as you don't, he's the one that will look bad if he tries to pull anything weird. Meanwhile, hopefully you'll get some good gigs out of it.

Good point.. just not sure if the bridge is too burned for me now.

Thanks for input all!

[SpaceNorman]

Hmm ... all that drama. Maybe the band with the "Two 40 year old viriginins" post is hiring!

 

http://acapella.harmony-central.com/showthread.php?t=2584475

[wades_keys]

Lee Flier has answered with respect and insight. I, on the other hand really would take it farther and suggest that you are part of the problem. We all, everyone of us, can turn off the drama and get to work anytime we choose. Or we can choose to go wading in it. Seem like you like the pool.

 

This man speaks the truth.

 

Listen to him.

[wades_keys]

I am trying to work this out... there is a lot to lose here. I have wanted to work with this guy for 7 years and the music venue we both frequent is my #1 musical connection and like a second home and I have a lot of friends there. Not sure yet I want to throw any of that away. I didnt bring this on myself... thanks.

 

Remember:

 

It takes one to start, and one to finish in order to have a fight.

 

Someone else "brought it on".

 

Now it's up to you to not let it affect you.

[Funkwire]

This thread makes me happy that the only woman I ever played with in a band with was a lesbian. No drama whatsoever.

[guitarsjb]

When you mentioned that you "used" to have a crush on him, that threw up a red flag. I think there may be more to this...again I could be wrong. If there are feelings there on your part for him, you are indeed making it a more complicated situation.

 

I am also the only female in our band. I jam with 4 other guys. The singers wife may have been worried for a bit, but once she seen I was only there to play, she and I have became great friends.

 

There is a lot of good advice in this thread. Hope it all works out for you.

[AwayEam]

HEY BROS

I've said it before, and it's entirely plausible I'll say it again:

I love it when a thread comes together


Also, I have a female singer in my band. I just try to be extra sexy on stage so I don't get over-shadowed.

[rorylawford]

HEY BROS I just try to be extra sexy on stage so I don't get over-shadowed.

Why didn't I think of that

[sfarfsky]

do you have a myspace or facebook?

[Remedy]

hav we asked for pics yet?

[stevieb]

...and if that was the case it apparentyl worked)...

Apparentyl? Is that some kind of dinosaur?

[3shiftgtr]

So you think it DOES sound like he was using me to make her jealous? As far as being interested in him... well there was a time I had a bit of a crush on him but it was years ago and wore off in part because he was always with her.

I'm surprised no one has hit this...

Women can smell another woman's attraction to her man a mile away. Even if it was from years ago. Also, even if you wouldn't do anything, there is an accepted subtext among women about their 'pals'...and that is they are manipulative. As a woman, you know how manipulative women can be when it comes to other women and a man in the middle.

It doesn't sound like you are interested in him in any way, but there might be a lingering 'awareness' by the gf. And that combined with the aforementioned subtext, will put most any woman in the 'chess game' mentality with someone whom they feel might be a foe.

Weird as it may sound, from the 'trust with his heart' comment, it sounds like she was fishing to see if you'd take the bait: if you were still interested.

He might have sensed your attraction to him years back, and thinks he still has the 'powa'. Thus the 'kiss' comment...like "It could have been me, if you play it right."

I hope they aren't in their own weird way hitting you up for a 3some?

Anyway, you are definitely between a rock and a hard place. Keep it pro, keep your distance, and keep one foot out of the circle. You are right to draft a communique....Good luck! Whew....

[musicchic]

I'm surprised no one has hit this... Women can smell another woman's attraction to her man a mile away. Even if it was from years ago. Also, even if you wouldn't do anything, there is an accepted subtext among women about their 'pals'...and that is they are manipulative. As a woman, you know how manipulative women can be when it comes to other women and a man in the middle. It doesn't sound like you are interested in him in any way, but there might be a lingering 'awareness' by the gf. And that combined with the aforementioned subtext, will put most any woman in the 'chess game' mentality with someone whom they feel might be a foe. Weird as it may sound, from the 'trust with his heart' comment, it sounds like she was fishing to see if you'd take the bait: if you were still interested. He might have sensed your attraction to him years back, and thinks he still has the 'powa'. Thus the 'kiss' comment...like "It could have been me, if you play it right." I hope they aren't in their own weird way hitting you up for a 3some? Anyway, you are definitely between a rock and a hard place. Keep it pro, keep your distance, and keep one foot out of the circle. You are right to draft a communique....Good luck! Whew....

Yeah friend of mine who has known the woman a long time say she was just being "nice" to try to get info from me.

3 way.. god i hope not.

[Steadfastly]

I would lay the rules on the line and tell him if you want to work together, this is the way it's going to be. If you can work with these parameters, then we'll work together. If not, I'm out of here. I would have it on paper and have him sign it. Let him know that even if it happens during a gig, you'll be walking out during the gig if any of this happens while you're on break.

[Lee Flier]

I would lay the rules on the line and tell him if you want to work together, this is the way it's going to be. If you can work with these parameters, then we'll work together. If not, I'm out of here. I would have it on paper and have him sign it. Let him know that even if it happens during a gig, you'll be walking out during the gig if any of this happens while you're on break.

 

LOL... that's a bit unnecessary.

 

These things happen when one plays in mixed-gender bands. People often freak out and feel threatened, but it generally blows over after awhile if nobody fans the flames. No need to drag it out and make a bigger deal over it than it is.

 

Really. This has worked for me for 30 years of playing in bands with guys.

[tim_7string]

He might have sensed your attraction to him years back, and thinks he still has the 'powa'. Thus the 'kiss' comment...like "It could have been me, if you play it right." I hope they aren't in their own weird way hitting you up for a 3some?

 

I was considering this as a possibility as well. If so, yikes!

[chevybusa]

a) Yeah.. if I had my druthers I would not say a word more to either of them and not return to that club ever again.. but I have a lot of friends there and it has always been like a second home to me and very insrpiring musically. b) Well now that you mention it... when I first told him how she had approached me and asked if we were involved he "kiddingly" said "did you tell her the truth?" with sort of bedroom eyes.. and then his New years Eve comment. Hmmmm.... I wonder now. Well I'm sure they'll both just blame the whoel thing on me somehow then. The band he has has never had a female front.. theyve been playing all guys for 20 years now. He brought me in because he loves my voice but I think also to diversify the band... least thats what he said. The email I have drafted to him says: "I will do the 2 gigs I commmitted to if you really need me to". Think that's ok to say? and added: "not sure I will have the time/energy for future gigs as I am reuniting with my old band" (which is a strong possibility later this month)

 

 

 

a) Ah, I understand, that sucks it makes it a lot harder to completely cut all ties to it.

 

b) Based on this in addition to everything else I'm even more convinced that he wants more than just being in a band together from you.

 

c) I think that is the perfect thing to email him with, I would go ahead and send it, I really think it is way more curteous and professional than he deserves but it shows that you have immense character. Good luck with everything hope you do end up reuniting with your old band!

[Skrap]

This situation has threesome written all over it.

[musicchic]

 

LOL... that's a bit unnecessary. These things happen when one plays in mixed-gender bands. People often freak out and feel threatened, but it generally blows over after awhile if nobody fans the flames. No need to drag it out and make a bigger deal over it than it is.

 

 

Well I havent found any of the situations blow over eventually. I even had one woman (who was never friendly with me) approach me all friendly one night A YEAR after I was in the band. She was talking all nice and then all of a sudden said: "I have a kind of awkward question to ask you". I said "OK". She said "Some of my friends were at the last gig and they said they think something is going on with you and (drummer bf) because of how you are on stage together". I had no idea she meant an affair and said "Oh is it that obvious?" cuz I thought she meant our bickering between songs sometimes. Her eyes grew wide and she said "No, I mean my friends think you two are having an affair"

 

:roll eyes: Was the guy I mentioned earlier who I had no interested in whatsoever but who had come onto my a lot. She evenyually threw drum equipment almost on top of my sandal-clad feet one night... "accidentally".

 

I'm thinking lately maybe I will make a disclaimer announcement on the mic before gigs that I dont want your already taken man as I am way to diva to put up with that {censored}.

[Lee Flier]

Well I should probably clarify what I mean by "eventually." It has taken over a year sometimes before things straighten out, but they do. My current band for instance has been together almost 9 years... we had some drama and BS for the first year and a half or so... so I'd say the ratio of no drama to drama tipped in our favor a long time ago.

[boxorox]

Being in a band together doesn't make us all bet friends. Being in a band together doesn't make us lovers.

The girlfriend is out of the equation. She's doing what insecure SO's do. If the guy is actively or passively using your presence in the band to manipulate her, he's a cad, and will be trouble always.

Third, some of it's your fault. Late night discussions about relationships can make some assume a bond that is not mutually felt. Trouble. Some doors aren't meant to be opened. When the GF stared in on this, you had the opportunity to make it clear to him and her both that nothing was going on, and nothing ever would, and if you ever heard another word on the subject...BlahBlahBlah. Instead, you quizzed him on the status of their relationship. A) None of your bizness, and B) Could be interpreted as interest on your part. Since he wouldn't give you a straight answer, I'd say he's still with his GF but wants to keep his options open if he get's the chance to knock a piece off you.

This has passed a point where it can be anything but a pain in the ass.

[Lee Flier]

The girlfriend is out of the equation. She's doing what insecure SO's do. If the guy is actively or passively using your presence in the band to manipulate her, he's a cad, and will be trouble always. Third, some of it's your fault. Late night discussions about relationships can make some assume a bond that is not mutually felt. Trouble. Some doors aren't meant to be opened. When the GF stared in on this, you had the opportunity to make it clear to him and her both that nothing was going on, and nothing ever would, and if you ever heard another word on the subject...BlahBlahBlah. Instead, you quizzed him on the status of their relationship. A) None of your bizness, and B) Could be interpreted as interest on your part. Since he wouldn't give you a straight answer, I'd say he's still with his GF but wants to keep his options open if he get's the chance to knock a piece off you.

Agree with all this!

This has passed a point where it can be anything but a pain in the ass.

I dunno about that... like I said, generally these things don't last forever and I've seen them pass over enough times. The question is whether you think the musical relationship is worth it.

And you (the OP) do have to put in quite a bit of effort to make sure it doesn't become more of a pain than it needs to be. If you're single, and you respect the guy's talent, the attention can be flattering and you can be tempted to fan the flames by making things more personal than they need to be. The guy, for his part, seems to be enjoying the drama and ego boost from the situation, which is also really screwed up.

Assuming the musical relationship really is worth it, best thing you can do is focus on that and hope jerkface realizes you're not taking the bait, and moves the drama queen act onto some groupie chick.