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OT: Most hillarious review since rip glitter


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Product: ESP LTD GL-500K

Price Paid: US $399.99

Submitted 07/09/2002 at 03:12pm by Alex

Email: uracodeyahoo dot com


Features : 8

2002 GL-500K, proudly manufactured by Hop Sing in a Korean sweatshop.

22 frets, alder body, maple neck, rosewood fingerboard with huge frets.

The stock pickups are passive Duncan Designed, one bridge humbucker (which actually sounds somewhat like the SH-12 it's modeled after) and neck single (which sounds quite nice, until you decide to play it cranked, where it turns to complete mud).


There is a single push/pull volume control, which also functions as the pickup selector. Takes some getting used to, especially for someone who switches from bridge to neck for lead (someone like ME...ARGH!). I'm accustomed to the 3-way or 5-way switch, but I think I'm gonna end up liking this push-pull setup. I do NOT miss tone controls (or even more worthless: mid controls). If you haven't disconnected the tone control in your guitar yet, my question to you is WHY THE HELL NOT?


The bridge is your standard sweatshop "licensed by Floyd". In other words, it's not fantastic. The hardware is all black, however, which is always a nice touch. The tuners are ESP, if you care.


A word on the graphic. This model is the knockoff of George Lynch's ESP Kamikaze, which differs in body wood, pickups, and in the graphic (and is $1,200 cheaper). What's missing from the LTD model is the picture of the suicide bomber pilot and the little bombs. People bitch about this. People are gay. This looks MUCH better without aforementioned super-gay additional graphics.


A "George Lynch 2002" signature graces a plate on the rear of the body. I'm sure this signature was falsified by Hop Sing, either by hand or stamped. Who the hell cares.


An LTD "hardshell" case is included, which is nice. The case is not, however, your typical high-quality hardshell, like you'd have gotten with an 80's Jackson or Charvel. You put this thing through baggage check, it's gonna come out looking rough at the other end. Nevertheless, nice that it's included.


It's getting an "8" for features, simply because I really think it wouldn't break ESP to drop real Duncans in their LTD's, ESPECIALLY a signature model.




Sound : 9

My main influences are your typical 80's metal guitar gods, like Yngwie Malmsteen, Warren DeMartini, and of course, George Lynch. I am your typical 80's throwback shredder, and this guitar is.......TOTALLY 80's METAL, DUDE!!!!!!!


I run this amp through either a Peavey XXX head into a Marshall cab (with a DOD YJM overdrive between the guitar and amp...for lead stuff occasionally) or a Digitech Genesis 3 into my computer. The humbucker is so ridiculously 80's metal, it's almost sick (and that's a good thing). I'm not too keen on the neck pickup, but that can be changed.


A previous reviewer says this guitar "dead nails Lynch's tone", and I'd have to agree to a certain extent. It does sound alot like George on the Tooth and Nail record. Of course, that's due in part to the fact that I have equipment geared toward playing that style of music. If you run this through a Mesa Triple Rectum Fire, I imagine you will no longer sound like an 80's metal freak as you would a talentless nu-metal fag. Don't forget to detune your guitar to A FLAT, YOU FAGS!


I digress...


By the way...this guitar sounds exactly like the ESP model, so be smart and don't get hosed.


Action, Fit, & Finish : 10

I ordered this from Musician's Friend, and as with all mail-order guitars, you can expect some issues upon arrival. It doesn't help that it's 90 degrees with 100% humidity outside. Well, I was pleasantly surprised. The guitar arrived with very low action (80's metal, DUUUDE!), no dead spots, no fret buzz, no finish flaws, no dings, no dents....I guess miracles happen. It was completely out of tune, but only a complete hoser would bitch about that.


I have ONE issue with this guitar...the high E string seems to sit much closer to the edge of the neck than any of my other guitars, which has caused me to bend it off the neck more than once (in some of my more violent shred-fests). This is also an issue on the ESP model (at least the one I played). I'll get over it.


Bottom line, the guitar was set up very nicely, and I've had to do NOTHING to it.




Reliability/Durability : 8

Will this guitar withstand live playing? Come on. ALL guitars will withstand live playing assuming you don't go on some weird Paul Stanley trip and smash it. This is a $700.00 guitar (normally), and it's built accordingly. This is not a Squier Strat (which by the way, isn't a complete piece of crap).


Another previous reviewer of this guitar mentioned something about this guitar being built just as well as its heavily overpriced big brother, and he's absolutely right. If you were to do a blindfold test, just by weight and playability, you would NOT be able to differentiate.


And I agree...the fact that this isn't a $1,600.00 guitar makes me worry much less about messing it up cosmetically. You can concentrate much more on actually playing, rather than prancing around like an effeminate poser: DON'T BREATHE ON MY AXE, DUDE!


I would NOT gig without a backup guitar. That's just retarded. Just the fact that this is a Floyd bridge (licensed by or original doesn't matter) means BRING A SECOND GUITAR.


Customer Support : No Opinion

I haven't dealt with ESP, and I don't speak Korean anyway.


Overall Rating : 10

If you read through the reviews, you'll notice something: alot of people bought this guitar in the summer of 2002. I'm sure that can be attributed completely to the fact that Musician's Friend was offering a $300.00 price drop on it. I jumped at the chance, myself, and it was worth it.


This is my fifth guitar, and will probably get alot more use than my others, now.


If it were lost or stolen, I would have to "bus' a cap in someone's izzass". I don't actually know what that means, but it's bad.


If you play 80's metal, and you can get ahold of this guitar for 400 bucks, just do it. Even with the $700.00 price tag, it's a worthwhile guitar to own. It gets a "10" due to the price drop. At the original price, it would get a 7.

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For those who haven't had the pleasure:

Product: Jackson Rhoads Custom Shop Polka Dot V

Price Paid: US $2000

Submitted 07/25/2001 at 02:21pm by Rip Glitter


Features : 10

All right, {censored} is just getting out of hand here. People keep e-mailing me wanting to know all about my SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V. Like I don't have anything better to do than sit here and write reviews? {censored} that. When I'm not pulling double shifts at Walgreens, I'm spending my time the way any true rocker knows how -- banging HEADS and banging SLUTS, with some quality brew time with my good buddy Dino on the side. Whether it's shredding out with my new band SLUTBANGER, or my side project LETHALICON, I always keep the intense metal mayhem BURNING like the crotch of a Vietnamese whore. You know what I'm talking about.


Anyways, I'm not going to tell you all that technical bull{censored} that you don't want to hear. All that {censored} about double-locking tremoloes, humbuckers, strings, and all the stuff that dudes who liked Slayer's "Diabolus In Musica" better than "South of Heaven" probably care about. If you don't own "South of Heaven," then give me call so I can come over and beat you senseless with my SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V, because you're about as metal as that kid whose ass I stomped at the last Insatanity show because he asked me if i liked the latest GORETICIAN disc. On the other hand, if you didn't know that "South of Heaven" is a Slayer album, then you should probably call your mom or whoever it is that kept your crib too close to the microwave and thanks them for {censored}ing up your BRAIN so much that you're totally ignorant of the most savagely INTENSE metal album since Blizzard of Ozz.


As for my Signature - you bet your ass - SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V, it used to be all polka dot and {censored}, but Dino hooked me up with this wicked artist named Arturo who works down in Romeoville. He did a sweet-ass painting of a wolf pack hunting at night. Even though I had to stop playing with Rabid Wolf after that {censored}head Jimmy actually asked me to turn it DOWN one day at practice, probably because he's what we true metal maniacs like to call "a {censored} assed bitch," it's still a killer wicked paint job that I'm gonna match on my Camaro hood once I finish up my neighbor's lawn.



Sound : 10

You want to know what the SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V sounds like? Let me introduce you to a little something called UNCAGED METAL DESTRUCTION. When I first got my V, I went down into my basement, plugged it into my EVH 5150 custom half-stack with a 300-foot cord, and then I climbed up into my attic and stood in the window, looking over my neighborhood and wondering if they had any idea that there was about to be a full-frontal metal assault rolling straight through their homes. As I hit that first power G chord, I felt my house rumble as the sonic metal INVASION trampled its way through its walls and loosed itself upon my unsuspecting neighbor, who was stupid enough to come out from his backyard and ask me what was going on. I mean, by now the neighbors know that when I'm standing in that attic window, they should watch where they step because their BALLS are about to be rocked off.


So ANYWAY, there I am, giving my neighbor a good look at what it means to be a true rocker, and just for fun I start practicing some killer Maiden licks when he tries to tell me to turn it down or he'd call the police. Do I look like I have time for his rules?? I'm {censored}ing rocking out, man! I unzipped my pants and told him what he could do with his police.


Anyway, the point is, the SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V, if you're lucky enough to own one, will grab you by the throat and spit nothing but pure, UNADULTERATED METAL TONE in your face. Why am I telling you this? If you haven't heard this guitar by now, then you obviously have no concept of what true METAL is all about. You've heard what I've said about Mexican Stratocasters? I bet you play one, don't you, you little bitch? That's what I thought. The Randy Rhoads V gives you maximum tonal definition while acting as a massive slut magnet at every show you bring it to. Just keep a rag handy, because chicks get so wet around this baby, they might end up dripping all over the EQ knobs, and that can seriously {censored} up your electronics


Action, Fit, & Finish : 10

Does this guitar have any flaws? Maybe the fact that you'll have to waste more time kicking the asses of punks that come over and hang around in your basement trying to get a look at it. Like when I came home one day from Dino's, and I heard some totally un-metal, {censored}-ass, limp-wristed NON-POWER-CHORDS coming from my basement. I kicked open the door with my boot and found my {censored}ing little brother Randy actually trying to PLAY MY {censored}ING GUITAR. Now as you know, this was just one of the many occasions that I found Randy {censored}ing with my {censored}. Mom says that I should be nicer to him because he looks up to me. {censored} that! I was the one who named him Randy (after you-know-who), in the hopes that he might end up being a brutal demon of speed metal and we could rock out like true brothers of doom, but instead he's just a snotty little punk who likes to get his grubby little hands on my {censored}. So I had to teach him a lesson.


I grabbed that Jackson V out of his hands and twisted the guitar strap around his neck while it was still on the guitar, and then I put the guitar on his shoulders, strapped his hands to either end with a couple spare cables I had lying around, and I pulled off my belt. Man, could he scream! After five or six whips across the back with my studded Motorhead belt buckle, Mom came down and started yelling at me. She started unstrapping him from the guitar, and I only got a couple more licks in across his shoulders before I had to stop my axe from hitting the ground. That paint job was {censored}ing expensive, you know? Mom kept screaming and Randy's blowing snot everywhere because he was crying like a {censored}ing little mama's boy. I mean, if he's not ready to face the lion, then why'd he walk in the cage? That's what I say. I tried to explain to my mom that, quite obviously, Randy had not grown up to be as metal as we both had hoped, but she totally didn't understand. But I'll tell you one thing - it was a lon time before Randy {censored}ed with any of my {censored} anymore.



Reliability/Durability : 10

Have you ever grabbed your axe by the neck and clocked some punk in the teeth with it because he said that "Powerslave" is a better album than "Seventh Son"? I have, and let me tell you, my SIGNATURE Jackson V split his face without picking up a scratch. This baby has taken more beatings than Cannibal Corpse's drum kit on "The Bleeding." As for reliability, do I sound like the kind of poser who would play anything but the BEST guitar for hours upon hours of thrashing metal annihilation? Not ONCE has my V let me down, not even when I got so overwhelmed by its killer tone that I had to climb up on my 5150 half stack and jump onto my lead singer's back, guitar and all. I mean, sometimes there's just so much metal pounding through my brain that I just have to let it out, you know? Anyway, after I started chewing on his ear, he threw me and my Jackson V on the ground, but the V never once stopped ejaculating its hot metal love juice all over me.


Customer Support : No Opinion

Dude, haven't I told you that I NEVER, EVER TALK TO CORPORATE NON-ROCKERS about my gear? You might as well just buy yourself a pretty little keyboard and start up some {censored} dance pop band, because those are the only people who would actually call somebody in an OFFICE and ask them how to rock.


Overall Rating : 10

This guitar cost about five times more than my car, but it's worth every penny. Do you want to get swallowed up by a WHIRLWIND OF BRUTALITY, not to mention by all those metal sluts who will be dropping to their knees for you when they see you walking backstage with that alligator-skinned guitar case and a pair of electric blue spandex pants? If not, then stay on your couch and strum your Simon and Garfunkel songs on whatever lame acoustic guitar you just found in your closet. But if you're ready to get sweaty with the hottest metal sluts this side of Gary, Indiana, then grab your wallet and stop acting like such a bitch. Once, when I hit a particularly animalistic harmonic on this baby, I heard this ear-shattering screech. It wasn't coming out of my amp, but from the alley behind my dad's garage. When I walked out back, I found that my precisely honed chops, when matched up with the SIGNATURE Jackson V, were enough to induce seizures into the family of raccoons that live in our dumpster. So don't buy this guitar if you're someone who only goes halfway, because the SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V will know. So if you try to plug this thing into a Fender Blues Combo or some other {censored} piece of {censored} amp that isn't ready to unleash an unrelenting METAL STORM on the world, it will probably just stop working, or maybe even attempt to choke you to death with the guitar strap. Don't ask me how. This thing is {censored}ing brutal.


Rip was great.



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Rip was classic...

"I always say a good amp is like a good woman -- if it lasts through the first couple beatings, it's yours for life." - Rip Glitter - Peavey 5150 Review Reliability section.



Thats the best one, lol 'specialy when he goes out with his hommie dino to bang sluts with his band slut banger: banging head then banging sluts.

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yeah rip glitter is way {censored}ing funnier.



Price Paid: US $59

Submitted 05/12/2000 at 08:28am by Rip Glitter

Email: mpbourjayahoo dot com


Ease of Use : 10


* How easy is it to get a good sound out of it?

* How about Editing patches?

* How is the manual for it (if there is one)?

* Do you know the firmware revision number? Has your unit been upgraded?


This pedal doesn't {censored} around with lots of fancy-schmancy knobs. You get Level, Gain, and Presence. What the {censored} else do you need? Personally, I don't like having to do math when I'm trying to get good tone out of my axe. That's why the helpful folks at DOD have removed numbers from their knob dials, and just use black dots. Why the {censored} should i have to remember "Presence 3, Gain 10, Level 10" when my little brother's jagoff friends come over and {censored} with my {censored}? When I plug in my Signature Randy Rhoads Jackson V, I only want to think about one thing: rocking my ass off. The THRASH MASTER gives me that

hardcore metal edge I want without all the {censored} crap. Turn the knobs and turn it up!


Sound Quality : 10


* Can you get the sound of your favorite artists? Who are they?

* Are certain effects (distortion, chorus, ...) very good? Very bad?

* What setup (i.e. what guitars and amps) are you using this with?

* Is it noisy? On what settings?

* Are the effects weak or do they always sound great?

* What amp are you using it with?


I wish I could explain it. It's like Kerry King and Scott Ian went

cannibal, killed and ate the members of Diabolic Intent, jacked off their Diabolic Intent-infested spooge all over the second Type O album, and played it through my Eddie Van Halen 5150 half-stack at top volume. This pedal is METAL through and through. Sometimes I have to stop and slam my head into the wall because I can't believe how {censored}ing amazing my axe sounds with the Thrash Master. After I regain consciousness, I can hear this heavy grinding noise through my amp, and i realize that even when I was knocked out, the Thrash Master KEPT ON ROCKING WITHOUT ME. That's how good this pedal is.


Reliability : 10


* Can you depend on it?

* Would you use it on a gig without a backup?


You can beat this thing like a cheap back-alley whore and it'll keep

coming back for more. No matter how EXTREME you think you might be, the THRASH MASTER can take all you dish out and more. It never stops pumping out the fist-pounding metal, even if you kick it like some {censored} BUSH fan who showed up at the last Dark Legion show because he thought it was a D&D tournament.


Customer Support : No Opinion


* If you've dealt with the company, how helpful/friendly were they?

* Ever get an upgrade, or try and get it repaired?



Overall Rating : 10


* What style of music do you play? Is this a good match?

* How long have you been playing? What other gear do you own?

* If it were stolen or lost, would you buy it again or get something else?

* what do you love about it? What do you hate? What is your favorite feature?

* Did you compare it to other products? Which ones? Why did you choose this one?

* Anything you wish it had?

* Does it help you make music, or does it get in the way?

* Anything else you'd like to share?


If you don't get the point by now, maybe you never will. The THRASH

MASTER is ready to give massive strokes to all your neighbors and those people who are unlucky enough to be walking by your home when you're playing through it. If you want, I will come over and thrash on my amp on your lawn, and you can install some new windows after you pound some craters into the walls with your head, because it's just that intense. And it's only like $59, so it only takes like 5 lawn mowing jobs before you can buy it.

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It never stops pumping out the fist-pounding metal, even if you kick it like some {censored} BUSH fan who showed up at the last Dark Legion show because he thought it was a D&D tournament.



Rip is the {censored}!

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The amp review of the 5150 is 10x better, anybody have it?


Highlighted the best parts


Product: Peavey 5150

Price Paid: N/A

Submitted 02/16/2001 at 10:30am by Rip Glitter

Email: mpbourja at yahoocom


Features : 10

Let get one this straight: the Peavey 5150 is made only for rockers who can handle balls-swallowing METAL ACTION (or AXE-shun). So if you wearing some {censored}ing backwards red baseball cap and thinking you're gonna be the next Korn Against the Bizkit or whatever the {censored} you listen to, then you might as well just take that $5,000 Les Paul your uncle gave you and throw it under the tires of whatever {censored}-ass sport coupe you're driving, because the 5150 doesn't have TIME for your {censored}-ASS {censored}!


See, the people at Peavey were smart, because they put like twenty knobs on the 5150. Anyone who knows how to truly rock knows there's only one knobs that matters -- GAIN. That way, when the salesman sees you plugging in the Mexico-made Fender strat or whatever other {censored}-ass guitar you pick off the rack, and he sees you start messing with every knob on the board while you insult the 5150 with your blatantly non-metal licks, he can kick your sorry ass OFF the chair and beat you like the REO Speedwagon fan you probably are, because no one who truly understood the 5150 would waste time with knobs when they could be pumping out some killer Sacrificium tunes on a Signature Randy Rhoads Jackson V at top volume.


Sound Quality : 10

You know what I use. SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V, downtuned to B, with only my DOD FX-59 THRASHMASTER pedal between it and the 5150 (look up the THRASHMASTER for my other reviews). Yesterday, I took my 5150 over to my friend Dino's house, and he opened it up and disconnected every knob except the GAIN one, and then we busted that knob off so it's permanently stuck at 10, because that's the only number I need to know when it comes to pumping out my hot n' tasty licks with my new side project, LETHALICON, when we hit the stage at the Greenbriar Community Center every Thursday. After Dino and I modded my amp, every time i hit a low B, it sounds like the members of Hierarchical Punish are in my basement, beating the members of Civilization Hatred to death with amplified, unbridled metal brutality. This amp is for PURE, SLUTBANGING METAL, so don't even touch it unless you're ready to proclaim your dedication to annihilation!


Reliability : 10

I always say a good amp is like a good woman -- if it lasts through the first couple beatings, it's yours for life. This baby can take all the kicks and still pump out the hottest licks. Once, when I caught my little brother looking at my Signature Randy Rhoads Jackson V, I strapped his head to the 5150 and hung him out the window by his ankles. He kept squirmin' and hollerin' until finally I dropped him, but it was okay, because the 5150 was hooked back up in minutes, and none of the blood or snot stopped it from giving me the hot metal injection I demand. Let me put it this way: the 5150 will treat you better than any girlfriend, because it screams louder, it's easier to pick up, and it shuts up when you take your plug out.


Customer Support : 10

You think I have time to talk to corporate non-rockers about this {censored}? No {censored}ing way! Any time I got a problem with anything, my amigo Dino sets me up just fine. Sometimes, I'll call the customer service number, and when they pick up the phone, I'll put the receiver down by my amp and crank out "Fool for the City" by Foghat just to show my appreciation. They're never on the phone when I finish, but I'm sure they like to hear how at least SOME of us know how to use their amps for the prep-smacking ROCK they wanna hear.


Overall Rating : 10

I've been playing long enough to know that this amp kicks more ass and gets more chicks than my band's last bass player. Look, if you're still reading this review, then you obviously have some sort of cranial damage. If you do, that means you probably already own a 5150 and a Signature Randy Rhoads Jackson V, in which case, KEEP ROCKIN'! Because if you didn't already own one of these, by now you should be at Guitar Center, buying your 5150 head and telling them how they need to hold a Guitar Center 5150-a-thon, because it's the only amp that matters anyway.

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