Would you join this band?

[tim_7string]

I'm about to put together a band with my wife. It's planned to be named after me, have four people and the lineup would be as follows:

 

Me on lead vocals/lead guitar

My wife on bass guitar/backing vocals

Keyboardist/Harmony Vocalist

Drummer (who may or may not sing, depending on who we hire)

 

I have read about the tensions some people have with husband/wife bands on here all the time. I also remember reading about how people would attack Yoko and Linda McCartney when John Lennon and Paul McCartney left The Beatles and started performing onstage with their wives.

 

Apparently, it's a touchy subject for some people.

 

Keep in mind my wife can play bass guitar, but it takes her a long time to get the stuff down. But once it's down, she rarely makes mistakes. She plays with confidence and power. She never watches my fingers to see where we are in the song, she uses her ears instead (like a good musician should). On the positive side, she is also very gregarious and friendly. People are naturally drawn to her and like her almost instantly upon meeting her. She's a "cool chick."

 

But ultimately, she is not at the same level in performing experience or musical ability that I am and the rest of our band would be.

 

Would this be a deterrent for you if I wanted you (as an example) to be in the band as my keyboardist/vocalist or drummer?

 

What would make you want to stay in a band setup like this or what would keep you far, far away from it? Obviously, I want the other musicians to want to be happy and stay in the group.

 

Any other thoughts are welcome.

[jeff42]

If we had the same musical direction or I liked the music already picked out, sure. I worked in one band with a husband & wife and it didn't bother me. But that's me.

[StratGuy22]

Myself. Probably not.

[Lee Knight]

I would see the husband / wife team as both a potential good and bad thing. The bad? Maybe the other members are going to feel outnumbered. The good? Maybe you work your asses off getting stuff together as a team and make it easy to pull stuff together for the rest of the band.

 

So... I'd say, the more you get your tunes together beforehand... the more chance you'll get good players looking for an easy to get rolling situation.

 

And work with your wife to get her more up to speed. Her condition as a slow learner doesn't has to stay that way. Every night, work with her building a solid repertoire. She'll start learning to learn.

 

Good luck with it.

[GCDEF]

I wouldn't. If your wife is in the band because she's your wife and not because of her musical skills, I'd pass. I guess I'm a little full of myself, but for the band to be named after you and for the bass player to not be up to speed with the rest of the band, you'd have to be really, really good and landing some fantastic gigs.

[Chicken Monkey]

I've been in one band with a husband/wife, and I probably won't be in another.

[BlueStrat]

I've done a few H/W bands; some were good, some weren't. It had more to do with musical ability and professionalism than their marital status.

 

The worst was a husband drummer/singer wife. Neither of them played a melodic instrument, and couldn't get why those of us who did couldn't make our instruments sound just like the record. It was miserable. Then on top of all of it, they got in a huge fight right before a gig about something that happened at home, and brought it onstage. They ended up shouting at each other on stage, she threw the mic down and walked off and told him to go f____ himself and get his own ride home, and left, cussing him out loudly all the way through the crowd and out the door. It was kind of funny, but horrible too- and since she insisted on singing every song, we were pretty much done for the night- and for good, for that matter. The bass and keyboard guy quit, and last I heard that couple ended up divorced. Big surprise.

[crossways]

Yeah, I kind of agree with GCDEF. You and your wife maybe awesome people and probably are, but it feels like a situation where I need to be a good soldier and take orders. This actually is an appealing thing if the $$ is steady. But I would want to be a hired hand and not a "member" of the band...if that makes sense.

 

I am just asking out of curiosity but does your wife REALLY want to play bass? Like, is she wanting to be better or is she simply filling a slot. For my money a great singer, and a great bassist can carry an otherwise mediocre band. If it's all the same to her, let her play some keys, or percussion or just sing and find a bassist that will be on par with everyone else.

[jwlussow]

Interesting question. Off the top of my head I

[New Trail]

My initial thought is that I wouldn't have a problem with working in a band with a husband/wife combo...IF (1) there was a clear musical direction for the band that worked and led to consistent and good paying gigs, (2) the lack of musical skills on the part of the wife/bass player either improved, OR proved to not be a problem in learning new songs and creating a smooth and mistake free show.

 

To help alleviate possible problems I think your wife should REALLY work on her parts prior to full band rehearsals so that the more accomplished musicians in the band aren't constantly waiting on her to learn her parts, and a vigorous effort should be made on the part of you and your wife to make sure that band decisions are made BY the band, not by just you two.

[BATCAT]

Just speaking for myself: if I liked the music and it seemed like a fun band, I would not be deterred by the frontman and bass player of a band being married, no.

 

Also, I don't particularly care about people having an especially "high level of musical experience or performing ability". Obviously band members need to be able to learn the needed parts and not make a zillion mistakes but in my book things like their work ethic and ability to listen to (and play for) the song rate just as high if not higher.

 

As for the issue of feeling like a "side player", when I'm playing drums that's kind of my mindset anyhow. If the music is good, you're not a jerk, and you don't totally micromanage my playing, I'm happy as can be- just tell me what werre playing and when and where to be. I have my own stuff where I call the shots, and I enjoy the change of pace.

[musicmanmu]

I was in a band named after the lead guitar player, and it was an awful experience. Not saying it would be so with your band, but I fear that the band name combined with the husband/wife team would put a lot of people off before they even got to know you. That's a shame, but it's sadly true.

[TIMKEYS]

 

I was in a band named after the lead guitar player, and it was an awful experience. Not saying it would be so with your band, but I fear that the band name combined with the husband/wife team would put a lot of people off before they even got to know you. That's a shame, but it's sadly true.

 

 

 

I think it completely depends on the people involved and how much they believe in what they are doing. I am playing in a band that carries the front mans name , and it just seems logical. He writes the songs and is the face of the band.

[vanlatte]

I think it would give me second thoughts. Bands are hard enough to keep together as it is, throw in the added dynamic of a couple in the mix and ...meh.

 

Of course one of my worse band experiences had to do with just this type of situation so I am probably gun shy.

[paste]

Definitely not. Mainly because I'm a bass player and most bands don't need two of them.

[Tomm Williams]

My question would be, how would you handle a situation where your wife is not "cutting the mustard" and the band wants to replace her. Would you treat her like any other member of the band?--Hell no and for damn good reason. I have a buddy who is married and he and his wife have attempted numerous bands with both involved. It never worked. Problems at home became problems in the band. It was a bloody F&^%^&&&% mess. Hope you can be the exception but I wouldn't join.

[urca]

 

Keep in mind my wife can play bass guitar, but it takes her a long time to get the stuff down. But ultimately, she is not at the same level in performing experience or musical ability that I am and the rest of our band would be.

 

 

Apart from the fact that there WILL be drama between the two of you (and don't for a second think that there won't, because for whatever reason, there will be) the above quoted line would deter me from joining ANY band. I wanna get out and gig, not wait for someone to get up to speed with the rest of the band.

 

Has she always been a bass player, or is she just getting into so she can monitor your behaviour at gigs?

[fishmanrod]

I assume you are asking just so you can figure out what kind of response you are going to get.

 

You are not asking because you are looking to change anything, right?

 

For me, I would join if expecations were established up front and they suited me. Pay, gig frequency, who runs the band, how you choose songs, etc, etc. I would assume any moron would know that it is unlikely you will fire your wife, but you might want to state that up front "Honey and I are the core of this band, these are the things that are negotiable, these are the things that are not." Her membership is not negotialble. Neither is yours! She plays bass, you play guitar, you sing all the songs, not negotiable.

 

Some people will be fine with it, others will not. As long as you CLEARLY state at the start how things are going to be, then eveyone knows going in what the situation is. Sure, you will chase off some good players who don't like the deal, and isn't that how it should be? Why bring someone into your band who will 4 weeks later leave pissed off?

 

Makes sense? Cheers! Rod

[Zon5string]

Rule #1.

 

I know we've all seen it before. Hell, I've posted it before.

 

36 Rules for bands

[tim_7string]

 

Yeah, I kind of agree with GCDEF. You and your wife maybe awesome people and probably are, but it feels like a situation where I need to be a good soldier and take orders. This actually is an appealing thing if the $$ is steady. But I would want to be a hired hand and not a "member" of the band...if that makes sense. I am just asking out of curiosity but does your wife REALLY want to play bass? Like, is she wanting to be better or is she simply filling a slot. For my money a great singer, and a great bassist can carry an otherwise mediocre band. If it's all the same to her, let her play some keys, or percussion or just sing and find a bassist that will be on par with everyone else.

 

 

She enjoys playing bass quite a lot. And that's a good idea regarding keys. She started on those years ago and I asked her if she wouldn't mind playing them on some songs. She can do it, but she prefers playing bass and is MUCH better at that.

 

If I did as you are suggesting though, the band would have to be a five-piece...which in itself is not a bad thing, but logistically can be difficult to coordinate with work schedules and families and all that.

[tim_7string]

 

Apart from the fact that there WILL be drama between the two of you (and don't for a second think that there won't, because for whatever reason, there will be) the above quoted line would deter me from joining ANY band. I wanna get out and gig, not wait for someone to get up to speed with the rest of the band. Has she always been a bass player, or is she just getting into so she can monitor your behaviour at gigs?

 

 

She started playing my acoustic guitar when we met. I was a bassist/keyboardist in a country-rock band at the time, but when we met, I was singing and playing guitar and keys in a friend's band. She enjoyed the acoustic and started playing melodic parts that suited the bass. I asked her if she wanted to learn guitar or bass. After taking her to a music store, she tried out both and was more drawn to the bass guitar. She prefers it over guitar. She's been playing for a few years now and does know several songs. We had a band two years ago, but she didn't know enough songs at the time to play all night. We're changing that now. We won't even start holding auditions until we have four full sets complete. I know several hundred songs, but I have a core amount that we will be playing to start out with.

[ZombieCat]

I am doing exactly this right now with no problems. Husbands is the singer/lead guitarist/creative force and the wife is the bass player. Never had an issue with them bringing their problems to a gig or practice. Now since I pretty much just show up and play my parts I have no problem with it but if it was a situation where everyone was having a say in the direction of the band I could see possible problems.

[tim_7string]

 

I assume you are asking just so you can figure out what kind of response you are going to get. You are not asking because you are looking to change anything, right?

 

 

I'm looking for the mentality of other musicians and to see how they would perceive us, good or bad. I'm going to have a band named after me no matter what. Whether or not she will be in the group may or may not happen. It would just be easier to manage it having a partner who has my back, instead of me being outnumbered by three or four other people in my own band. I don't have any close musician friends that I can form a band with and I'm pretty sure if I did, they wouldn't want to support me if it's named after me anyway. So that's where I am coming from.

 

 

For me, I would join if expecations were established up front and they suited me. Pay, gig frequency, who runs the band, how you choose songs, etc, etc. I would assume any moron would know that it is unlikely you will fire your wife, but you might want to state that up front "Honey and I are the core of this band, these are the things that are negotiable, these are the things that are not." Her membership is not negotialble. Neither is yours! She plays bass, you play guitar, you sing all the songs, not negotiable. Some people will be fine with it, others will not. As long as you CLEARLY state at the start how things are going to be, then eveyone knows going in what the situation is. Sure, you will chase off some good players who don't like the deal, and isn't that how it should be? Why bring someone into your band who will 4 weeks later leave pissed off? Makes sense? Cheers! Rod

 

 

The way you stated it is pretty much how we have discussed it. One thing we have noticed with other bands I have been in is how people assume things that aren't really true and get frustrated by lack of communication. We would be pretty upfront about what our roles would be and what we expect out of the others in the band, good or bad. Of course, we would try to make it as pleasant of a situation as possible, but we're not going to suddenly change the direction of the band (from 70s/80s music that has a lot of keyboards and vocal harmonies to guitar rock of the 2000s, for example).

[tim_7string]

 

I am doing exactly this right now with no problems. Husbands is the singer/lead guitarist/creative force and the wife is the bass player. Never had an issue with them bringing their problems to a gig or practice. Now since I pretty much just show up and play my parts I have no problem with it but if it was a situation where everyone was having a say in the direction of the band I could see possible problems.

 

 

Glad to know, ZombieCat. FWIW, when we had our band two years ago, we never brought our home drama into the band either. We set that aside and treated band rehearsals as if we were just fellow musicians.

 

I also agree with you about everyone (not) having a say. That was the problem we ran into with that band. We changed it from "here's the songs, here's where we're playing, let's do this" to "what do you guys want to do?" Well, they wanted to play stuff like Ozzy and TOOL (we were playing stuff like CCR, Tom Petty, Doors, 80s one hit wonders, etc.). That was a mistake, one we will not repeat with this next go at it.

[Vito Corleone]

I played with one bf/gf team for nearly 10 years. It was a good experience, but they were both ultra-professional about it. It was essentially their band, but they ran things very fairly and never brought their personal issues to rehearsal or stage. Or rarely, anyway. We were on the road for 5 years, so there's always going to be SOME personal {censored} that gets dragged around with every member. They actually split up during the last year of the band and they still kept a professional relationship.

 

The one hesisation I would have joining YOUR band though would be that it doesn't seem as if your wife is truely a musical equal and there likely always be some resentment that she's only there because she's your wife and not because she would have gotten the job simply on her own merits. I think that's a recipe for difficulty in any working situation. Nepotism always seems to breed resentment.