Members MickeyKeys Posted May 27, 2012 Members Share Posted May 27, 2012 Okay, so I've been playing keys in this band for the best part of 4-1/2 years now... we've had a pretty good run but have admittedly been kind of mailing it in over the last six months or so although we have continued to please audiences, owners, and private party clients. In that time I've had several approaches from other bands and always politely advised them of my non-availability. I REALLY regretted turning one of them down, but that's loyalty for you. A couple of weeks ago I get a message that the gig we were supposed to play last night has been canceled. I'm dead sure it was our lead singer/de facto leader who initiated the cancellation; it's been a regular venue for more than three years now. A week ago I got a message from him saying that he wants to... "take a break from the (band name) thing"... we have six dates left for the remainder of the year and "I am not sure if I want to play them out... if I do I will call you to see if you're available/interested." Frankly, I think I know what's at the bottom of this - his business is very seasonal, and he makes his yearly nut during the spring and summer. He's never admitted it but we all know it - geeze, why not say so?? We all have a living to make and no one would hold that against him. But this cryptic announcement doesn't exactly assure anyone of the band's future, including a couple of us who rely on that extra $$. I've been feeling for a while that this band has run its course, and that I need to break the inertia and get out of what has become a stagnant, boring situation. I'm seeing this as the first big crack in the dam and, frankly, an opportunity to make a clean break without quitting outright. This guy has his flaws - he's hugely talented, but IMO quite lazy and self-centered, and we have butted heads at times. But I still consider him a friend, and he has helped me grow as a performer. So I do what seems to be the honorable thing apropos the band ... I write him back making all the right noises - thanks for your confidence in me and for a great run, etc., and that as far as the six dates are concerned I'll continue to consider them commitments until he specifically tells me otherwise. Now even though he wants to take a break from performing, I really don't - partly because I like it, partly because I don't want to lose the extra income. So I've reached out and lined up an audition with that band that I didn't want to turn down a few months ago - turns out they never did find new keys and just retooled a bit, with the lead singer occasionally doubling on keys. I was up front with them about the "committed" dates but they invited me nonetheless. Now, was I too nice/loyal with the STBX- bandleader, and at this stage would it be better just to tell him that I'm pursuing other opportunities and don't count on those dates staying open if this opportunity takes off? His wording would seem to indicate that he doesn't consider me obligated to hang around. Or, as I kinda suspect, maybe I just think too much . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members gjb3 Posted May 27, 2012 Members Share Posted May 27, 2012 Now, was I too nice/loyal with the STBX- bandleader, and at this stage would it be better just to tell him that I'm pursuing other opportunities and don't count on those dates staying open if this opportunity takes off? His wording would seem to indicate that he doesn't consider me obligated to hang around. Yes, you were. Sorry to be blunt, but your existing gig has ended (if not formally, then at least as a practical matter). You have a possible gig with another band that you really have an interest in. If you go forward with them, commit to it 100%. Your existing band leader has shown no loyalty to you (for whatever reason), there is no need to show loyalty to him anymore. Tell him you are going to join another band, and if he wants to do the existing dates with the "old" band AND you're available - fine. If you're not, they'll need to find a replacement. Simple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted May 27, 2012 Members Share Posted May 27, 2012 I've become great friends with my bandmates, but I've repeatedly told them that they don't owe me anything but the professional courtesy to play dates that are already on the books. For one of the guys, this is his first gigging band, but he's hugely talented and getting a lot of offers (from lesser bands, frankly), and he keeps reiterating that his first obligation is our band, but I tell him to do what's best for him. Replacing a guy would suck, but having a guy stay out of guilt would really take the fun out of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kmart Posted May 27, 2012 Members Share Posted May 27, 2012 You think too much. Make whatever commitments you feel are appropriate, but you don't owe frontman guy anything more than that.HE however owes you and the rest of the band a firm yes or no on doing those remaining dates, and he owes it NOW,since he's indicated that they may be up in the air for him. Reach out, let him know you understand he may feel differently now, but you want an answer about doing them or not, period.again, he owes you that much. What I don't understand is why you want to 'make a clean break without quitting'...Make a decision for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Piano Whore Posted May 27, 2012 Members Share Posted May 27, 2012 Hope you go for it (a new gig, that is.) If you're like me you will do whatever the hell you want to do, anyway. IMO no use in offering more of a commitment than what others are willing to offer you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members beatpoet Posted May 27, 2012 Members Share Posted May 27, 2012 Your existing band leader has shown no loyalty to you (for whatever reason), there is no need to show loyalty to him anymore. Those are some of the truest words around when it comes to deciding if you should stay in a band or not. Look after yourself first and foremost, there are too many douches around for you to put yourself second. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MickeyKeys Posted May 28, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 28, 2012 What I don't understand is why you want to 'make a clean break without quitting'...Make a decision for yourself. Oh, I did . . . I had decided some time back to get out when the project looked like going south. As for the "clean break without quitting" bit, it's more about not burning bridges with anyone else in the band. I'd rather leave while someone else is destroying it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wades_keys Posted May 28, 2012 Members Share Posted May 28, 2012 "I am not sure if I want to play them out... if I do I will call you to see if you're available/interested." How long do you need to be sure? "I don't know" Okay man, I respect your life decisions but I have other musical opportunities that are sure things so I'm going to take those right now. Good luck with your band. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wades_keys Posted May 28, 2012 Members Share Posted May 28, 2012 As for the "clean break without quitting" bit, it's more about not burning bridges with anyone else in the band. I'd rather leave while someone else is destroying it. What about burning the bridges with the rooms that you're backing out on? Who's taking care of that? I doubt club owners wanna hear: "I am not sure..." but soon those gigs better be dealt with. You got a sub band you can call in for those gigs? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dan88z Posted May 28, 2012 Members Share Posted May 28, 2012 Sounds like the time has come Mickey. Worry about number one first. The rest of the guys are probably thinking the same thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 28, 2012 Moderators Share Posted May 28, 2012 As for the "clean break without quitting" bit, it's more about not burning bridges with anyone else in the band. I'd rather leave while someone else is destroying it. I don't know how crazy I am about that^^^. People see through that kind of stuff. This appears to be a face saving maneuver. Make your choice based on your needs vs. your obligations. Be fair to your partners and yourself. Have confidence in your convictions. But allowing someone else's circumstance and choices to be your guiding light seems a little wimpy. Makes your own choices. Be fair... but don't forget about the being fair to you part. That's key. Wanna play with someone else? Play with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SpaceNorman Posted May 28, 2012 Members Share Posted May 28, 2012 I don't know how crazy I am about that^^^. People see through that kind of stuff. This appears to be a face saving maneuver. Make your choice based on your needs vs. your obligations. Be fair to your partners and yourself. Have confidence in your convictions. But allowing someone else's circumstance and choices to be your guiding light seems a little wimpy. Makes your own choices. Be fair... but don't forget about the being fair to you part. That's key. Wanna play with someone else? Play with someone else. Very, very wise advice. Assume full responsibility for making decision that affect YOU. Telling bandmates that you've decided to go in a different direction isn't about them - it's all about YOU. Even if your decision is heavily influenced by what your bandmates have done (or haven't done) - it's STILL all about you. You've played some gigs with these guys - you didn't marry 'em. Be fair - live up to whatever commitments you've made - but outside of that, the only thing you own any bandmate is to say what you're going to do and then do what you say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members chevybusa Posted May 28, 2012 Members Share Posted May 28, 2012 Okay, so I've been playing keys in this band for the best part of 4-1/2 years now... we've had a pretty good run but have admittedly been kind of mailing it in over the last six months or so although we have continued to please audiences, owners, and private party clients. In that time I've had several approaches from other bands and always politely advised them of my non-availability. I REALLY regretted turning one of them down, but that's loyalty for you. A couple of weeks ago I get a message that the gig we were supposed to play last night has been canceled. I'm dead sure it was our lead singer/de facto leader who initiated the cancellation; it's been a regular venue for more than three years now. A week ago I got a message from him saying that he wants to... "take a break from the (band name) thing"... we have six dates left for the remainder of the year and "I am not sure if I want to play them out... if I do I will call you to see if you're available/interested." Frankly, I think I know what's at the bottom of this - his business is very seasonal, and he makes his yearly nut during the spring and summer. He's never admitted it but we all know it - geeze, why not say so?? We all have a living to make and no one would hold that against him. But this cryptic announcement doesn't exactly assure anyone of the band's future, including a couple of us who rely on that extra $$. I've been feeling for a while that this band has run its course, and that I need to break the inertia and get out of what has become a stagnant, boring situation. I'm seeing this as the first big crack in the dam and, frankly, an opportunity to make a clean break without quitting outright. This guy has his flaws - he's hugely talented, but IMO quite lazy and self-centered, and we have butted heads at times. But I still consider him a friend, and he has helped me grow as a performer. So I do what seems to be the honorable thing apropos the band ... I write him back making all the right noises - thanks for your confidence in me and for a great run, etc., and that as far as the six dates are concerned I'll continue to consider them commitments until he specifically tells me otherwise. Now even though he wants to take a break from performing, I really don't - partly because I like it, partly because I don't want to lose the extra income. So I've reached out and lined up an audition with that band that I didn't want to turn down a few months ago - turns out they never did find new keys and just retooled a bit, with the lead singer occasionally doubling on keys. I was up front with them about the "committed" dates but they invited me nonetheless. Now, was I too nice/loyal with the STBX- bandleader, and at this stage would it be better just to tell him that I'm pursuing other opportunities and don't count on those dates staying open if this opportunity takes off? His wording would seem to indicate that he doesn't consider me obligated to hang around. Or, as I kinda suspect, maybe I just think too much . . . LOL Yes, you definitely are over-thinking it....having been in almost the exact same situation a number of times back when I was gigging, and from my ow experience I can say that due to what the leader is saying the band is pretty much over, and the fact that he is "thinking" about whether he wants to finish up your committments it all but a guarantee that he's already decided to blow them off...As others have suggested, you don't have to worry about YOUR loyalty cuz the leader has already shown he has none for you guys, and as I said, he's already decided that it's all but over....I'd say jump into the new band you want to with 100% and don't even worry about it, I'm sure the other guys in the band can see exactly what's going on as well and will completely understand (and probably do the same thing themselves) as they see that the writing is on the wall....Good luck in your new band! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CliffordN Posted May 28, 2012 Members Share Posted May 28, 2012 It sounds to me like the person who most needs to step up and say he is done, isn't being fair to the rest of the band... Holding any group of part-time musicians together is tough, because there are so many outside factors which can cause someone to make the decision to leave. But, it is only fair to the rest of the members that you announce your intentions, set an exit time, and leave gracefully, trying if all possible not to leave them in a lurch if you expect to avoid hard feelings. There may be a time down the line when the situation changes, and you may want to be involved again... It may be tough, but it is the right thing to do!Since you think this other fellow is done, you might just push him toward saying it, if for no other reason than to see what he will do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kramerguy Posted May 29, 2012 Members Share Posted May 29, 2012 So... how does the rest of the (original) band feel? Might they want to just replace the douchebag singer and move forward? I don't recall reading much about that side of the fence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CliffordN Posted May 29, 2012 Members Share Posted May 29, 2012 My thoughts exactly! One monkey don't stop no show! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MickeyKeys Posted May 31, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 Hi all - been off the board for a few days due to a highly uncooperative computer. Some excellent thoughts here and I thank you all. -Yeah, I did think too much. -Yeah, frontman guy needed to get off the fence and fortunately he did. He is "doing the decent" and honoring the booked dates. -As for me, the audition is scheduled for 3 weeks from now. If offered the chair, I will grab it and tell the band I have decided to move on but will do my part to help the band honor their commitments. If no offer happens . . . I will continue to pursue other opportunities and whatever happens, will happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dan88z Posted May 31, 2012 Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 you play keys. you'll have an offer in a couple days! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SeniorBlues Posted May 31, 2012 Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 you play keys. you'll have an offer in a couple days! There are always offers, but do they make sense form your perspective. . . . . we've been through this, haven't we? Took me three years to find something that made sense for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Wayne2 Posted May 31, 2012 Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 email? what? If you're confused reading over his email you just pick up the phone and call him, feel it out. Too much chance for it to get out of hand/nasty otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JimboKeys Posted May 31, 2012 Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 Bandleader: "I am not sure if I want to play them out... if I do I will call you to see if you're available/interested." Maybe i tend too much to think the best of people, but it sounds like the bandleader knows things are ending and is offering everyone an easy opt-out here. I doubt there'd be any hard feelings if you found another gig. - Jimbo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members flemtone Posted May 31, 2012 Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 From the sound of things, you're not leaving anyone in the lurch, but are considerate and professional enough to keep the prior dates committed while placing yourself in a different (possibly better) situation. You're one of those unusual individuals - someone with ethical standards. Nothing wrong with that, provided you don't cut your own throat. Don't sweat it, Number 6 - let us know when you get re-situated. I could see a road-trip from the gunfire of NNJ down to the rolling plains of CNJ to catch a gig. I'll bring my tiny butler... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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