People you can't play music with but can have a drink with

[Outkaster]

Sorry for the weird title but I didn't know how else to say it. Have you ever noticed that there are people you can't play music with but can have a drink with. I say this because of things that have been happening since a band breakup back at the end of August.

I started a band ten years ago and have had very little attrition, maybe two members in ten years. Well those of us that went on got very close in the remaining 8 years. Eventually the lead singer called in quits and I have been doing damage control with the media ever since. Bands can become family but I feel like I signed up for marriage and took on some of her problems which wasn't a good thing. It was a bad break up with a couple people taking it very hard. I was one of them as I had the most to lose. I was interviewed in a local paper and did a local podcast as well and was professional both times as we never made an official announcement when we were disbanded. At any rate I think I have finally learned there are people you can have a drink with if you see them out but you can't play music with. It's almost as if you have to keep them at arms length for whatever past reasons. Dysfunctionality is always present with a lot of musicians and sometimes even really good players. Very talented people seem to often be the worst to deal with.
Some of the members still want to go on and a piece of me does also but with any band what you do is dependent on what other people do. People also reveal themselves as time goes by. What would be different if I put it back together is what I ask myself? It's easy to get sucked in because we had a lot of good times and it wasn't all bad. We did a lot for our community and I get people still asking about the singer all the time and I just point them to her Facebook page. Anyway I can put a new version together with other people but it wouldn't be the same which is OK. I know there would be former members that would want to join back and I'd have tell them "look we can't work with each other anymore" . That would be very difficult to do. There is three out of the 7 that I would keep going with but I’d need a new drummer and guitar player. I have been out to eat with a couple of them since the break up and it’s been difficult. It’s almost awkward to talk to them.

Sorry to be long winded but the whole thing has been {censored}in sad. That and losing my dad two months ago has been pretty devastating. It’s unfortunate when you see former band members, almost like seeing an ex in some cases.

[daddymack]

'breaking up is hard to do...'

Having left my band of 20+ years[a record for me] in early 2020 [just as covfefe arrived], I understand what you are dealing with. My personal take is either find all new people, or take the ones you know and trust, and see if you can all make something new work.

Losing a lead singer should not stop a well put together band, unless it was that person's name on the letterhead. Even then, change the name, find a new singer, and look forward. Don't lose your momentum, and don't assume the prime attraction, or the prime driver musically, was the singer.

Back in the past millennia[1999], the lead singer in our relatively new [year old] band decided to go back to school at night to finish a degree. There was some blaming, derision and acrimony, and I had the remaining members of the band meet at my house to rehearse [they asked me 'why?' 'because we ain't done yet' I told them, and I was correct]. We had no gigs lined up, but I knew that was easily fixed, and in many respects, not being tethered to the lead singer's reputation looked like it could actually be a plus, even though he was fairly well known in the area.

In the course of the meeting and rehearsal, four members out of six stepped up to sing lead. Four. Myself included. Which was what I had suspected, knowing that at least two of the other guys could sing [we sang backups all the time], and by the time we finished running through new material the four of us could sing, we had two sets  in decent shape. We realized we didn't need a front person. The musicians would make it work...and we did. A week later, we reconvened and cut a quick live 4 song demo in my dining room.  We came up with a new name, and off I went to get bookings, touching places we had played with the lead singer, and a few other places I had done recent side work for other groups, and had done some 'glad-handing' with the bookers  [always let them know you have other 'product'!].

Three weeks later we were gigging..every weekend for the next four years...and on to the 'premiere' clubs, big stages, festivals, etc.  Twenty years later, looking back...losing the 'front man' was the best thing that could have happened. We made personnel changes along the way..and those people are as you said...people I can sit down with and talk to, but I would never be in a band with again...even though  I was the one who 'fired' them. Two were original members who, over time, demonstrated a certain lack of commitment and/or were not grasping the direction the band was headed. Neither are 'bad' people, or incompetent musicians, just not reliable or forward thinking enough to be involved with again.

[Outkaster]

Well we built up a band around a unique singer and she and the guitarist wrote the songs. It was a tough situation.  The thing is it is just so sad how things have ended up. Three of us talk mostly.  The other two I don't have anything to do with really.I wish I could pick up but it would have to be with totally different people. 

[Notes_Norton]

I learned to sing (the hardest instrument I've tried so far), play guitar, bass, wind synth, flute, drums, and some keys in addition to my sax playing so that I can become a chameleon and find work easily when a band breaks up. I learned to play many genres of music, from standards to Latin-American to rock to disco to blues to reggae to whatever.

The last 5-piece band I was in was a good one. The bass player quit, and it took two months to find a replacement, teach him the songs, and get up to snuff. That's 2 months of no income.

Then we lost a drummer. Since there is less memorization, we were only out another month (in the same year). She had a small kit, kept perfect time, supported the songs, did not over or underplay, had some tasty fills and even sang background vocals.

We got to our first gig, at a country club. The dining room was packed, so they pulled back the accordion pleat room divider and told us to set up in the lounge. The drummer said, "God will never forgive me if I play in a bar" and I responded, "God will have to forgive me for homicide if you don't play tonight."

The next day, Mrs. Notes and I decided to become a duo. I bought a Teac A3440 four track reel-to reel and began making backing tracks. That was in 1985, and we haven't been out of work since 1986 until COVID reared its nasty spikes.

I could have a drink with all of those people today and still enjoy their company. The drummer ended up switching religions and plays bars now and sings lead.

We're back gigging now, only taking outdoor gigs, but in Florida we can play outdoors all year long.

On the opposite side of the coin, there are musicians I could jam with, but off-stage have such different opinions about life and different lifestyles, I can be friendly with them, but I wouldn't want to sit at the bar with them for very long.

Notes ♫

[Kramerguy]

I have similar people in my life, I love to hang out or go out and drink with them, but I can't be in a band with them.  Mostly because they just aren't on the same genre or skill level.  What sucks is that one in particular wants to start a band together but he just doesn't have the chops and I don't see him ever being more than a basement-level player.  I've never had the heart to tell him that, so I just make excuses about not enough time for another project.

Edited February 7, 2022 by Kramerguy

[Outkaster]

Yes I have one of the former members like that.  I think it's tough because some people just can't get better or don't have the aptitude. It doesn't mean  you don't care about them, it's just that you can't share music because you are not on that same level.