Members aus22000 Posted July 16, 2008 Members Share Posted July 16, 2008 53 still giging, yes it can be hard at times but i'm still playing .Met my wife when she was 14 and l was 16! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cherri Posted July 16, 2008 Members Share Posted July 16, 2008 FWIW, I had a girlfriend who was a cocktail waitress. I used that example because that's exactly what happened to me. She started staying late to 'help close' and not get home till 6 am or so. Found out later she wasn't closing anything, she was diddling instead. That's what killed my first marriage, except my hubby was a bouncer. There was lots of other stuff but that was the nail in the coffin. Faroutbob, Seems to me that you should be discussing all of this with your SO, not with us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members New Trail Posted July 16, 2008 Members Share Posted July 16, 2008 Looks like the OP is gone but here's my view of it. He was solo gigging when he met his gf, so its not the gigging she's opposed to. Maybe the solo gigs are early hour restaurant/dinner gigs and they're home early, so that's cool. And maybe it's an older family type crowd at the solo gigs and there's not a lot of drunk loose young girls there, but who knows? Maybe being in a band would mean playing different venues with later hours and young girls, and maybe places that the gf just doesn't want to hang out at, and really doesn't want the OP to, either. Or maybe the gf wouldn't like the "competition" (real or imaginary) of the camaraderie of the OP and his future bandmates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BlueStrat Posted July 16, 2008 Members Share Posted July 16, 2008 Looks like the OP is gone but here's my view of it. He was solo gigging when he met his gf, so its not the gigging she's opposed to. Maybe the solo gigs are early hour restaurant/dinner gigs and they're home early, so that's cool. And maybe it's an older family type crowd at the solo gigs and there's not a lot of drunk loose young girls there, but who knows? Maybe being in a band would mean playing different venues with later hours and young girls, and maybe places that the gf just doesn't want to hang out at, and really doesn't want the OP to, either. Or maybe the gf wouldn't like the "competition" (real or imaginary) of the camaraderie of the OP and his future bandmates. Don't forget the extra night away for rehearsal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roy Brooks Posted July 16, 2008 Members Share Posted July 16, 2008 You need to lose that zero and get you a hero. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wades_keys Posted July 16, 2008 Members Share Posted July 16, 2008 Are you married? You ever been married and gotten a divorce? The way most guys get sucked into really nasty marriages is to think they are going to be the guy that solves some girls problems. It might make you feel important ,, but you wont solve the problems ,, you will own half of them. It will cost you 50 percent to get rid of them. Dude as much as you dont wanna believe it ,, no matter how sexy and sweet she seems to be ,, there is always a few guys somewhere that know she is a pain in the ass. Your fist clue is when she starts trying to wedge into your band or hobbies.Truth - married 11 years, divorced 4....I've got over 30 grand in back alimony hanging over me after only 4 years. (and the attorney that's helping to dig me out of the hole costs 250/hr.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sabriel9v Posted July 16, 2008 Members Share Posted July 16, 2008 Faroutbob, Seems to me that you should be discussing all of this with your SO, not with us. +250 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stagebandit Posted July 16, 2008 Members Share Posted July 16, 2008 Truth - married 11 years, divorced 4.... I've got over 30 grand in back alimony hanging over me after only 4 years. (and the attorney that's helping to dig me out of the hole costs 250/hr.) Dammit, man, you need to join a 3rd band to cover those expenses!This is why I always say, "It never pays to be successful financially". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roy Brooks Posted July 16, 2008 Members Share Posted July 16, 2008 Girlfriends who don't want their boyfriends to play music should not be with musicians. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GreenAsJade Posted July 17, 2008 Members Share Posted July 17, 2008 Girlfriends who don't want their boyfriends to play music should not be with musicians. This may be true, but it seems to have limited relevance to this situation. The OP's GF was cool with him playing music. She even goes along to gigs. She's less cool with the idea of him going out late on weekends. But if she loves him she'll let him, eh? And what about tomorrow when the OP decides he'd like a bit of the swinger scene? (Not such a far leap from playing bars late at night) If she loves him she'll let him... Yeah right. People don't love other people for some lah-de-dah deep down reason "no matter what". People love people for what they have done and continue to do. The more you've done in the past to "earn" that love, the more it will forgive. But the idea that "I love you no matter what" does not translate to "therefore you can do whatever you like". I might love you, but if you are going swinging, I'm not living with you. Each person will have different things they can live with. It happens to turn out that this girl, supportive of the guy's music and solo gigging, was confronted by the idea that a guy who she thought was going to be with her on weekend nights might not be planning to spend his life that way afterall. This is _her_ fault?! God knows how the OP put it to her, it sure didn't sound great... GaJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted July 17, 2008 Members Share Posted July 17, 2008 So I started going out with my current gf shortly after I dissolved my old band. I was burnt out and at the time said I had enough of the band thing and would just play solo for the end of my days. I almost started another band early on but it fell through. That was about a year and a half ago. So lately I've been thinking about getting a band together and it's brought about strange reaction. I confronted her and she basically laid it out on the line like this: She isn't opposed to me starting a band but was clear that she would most likely have a problem with me playing a late night bar gig. (of course that would probably be a necessity) So that is that. Now... the thing is.. I don't totally disagree with her about being too old to be in a band. I know that many successful bands in my area have guys WELL into their thirties. But at the same time, I'm kind of on the fence about moving on from gigging. However, I want that to be my decision and I hate that I could be pushed to give it up. When I bring this up, I get accused of being unfair and selfcentered. ??? Anyway.. what's your input? This is tricky because I want this girl to be "the one" and we are headed toward the point of no return. One other note is, unlike past bands that were all covers, I recently recorded a CD and a band effort would focus on pushing the originals mixed in with covers. So there's more to it than before.. the band would have more of a purpose for me since I'd be pushing songs I wrote. Thoughts? Thanks in advance. It's probably not fair for me to make a judgment from one a few paragraphs from only one party but... ... as I read this I found myself wondering -- you are the one being accused of being self-centered and selfish? For pursuing your art? I mean, it would be one thing if you were seriously talking about starting a family and that whole thang (and maybe you are, for all I know)... kids do deserve commitment and sacrifice at times. (Of course, who wants a bitter old man for a dad always reminding you of what he gave up so you could have a stable home life? I've sure heard that one from folks a few times.) Anyhow, if you're really thinking about a life together -- yes, I guess you have to work each other into your plans to some extent. But, I dunno, from what little info I have to go on, I might be edging toward the door. Of course, that attitude might have contributed to the fact that I'm now an old man who never really settled down, never had kids, never even got married. Never wanted to, of course. But, still, you find yourself wondering what might have been... (Ah... but I've got my memories, by crackie! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members faroutbob Posted July 17, 2008 Author Members Share Posted July 17, 2008 I'm back. I can't access HC at work and I wasn't able to check up on this thread until now. Thanks everyone for chiming in on this. I agree with those who said something to the effect of "he knew he would get support on a musicians forum." But I also so a few posts that went the other way and I appreciate that. I did pull the switcharoo. We happened to start dating when I was NOT in a band and at the time I stated that I was done with bands. In retrospect, I was burnt out and should have chosen my words more wisely. I should have forseen the itch coming back after a break. When I talk about me wanting her to be the one and point of no return, etc.... I mean that we have been together 1.5 years now and she's everything I ever wanted. My last gf was the girl at all the gigs who brought her cute friends and got the dance floor going.. but the rest of the relationship wasn't good. This is the exact opposite. She's everything except the girl at the gig. And I think it's great. Back to point of no return (PONR)... once the holidays come along there will be a (real or imaginary) clock where I will be either thinking about or getting a ring. I think this may be a bit of me subconsciously testing her... I don't know. Anyhow... I came to peace with this the last couple days and decided to pursue my "recording project" with a friend. I actually am more interested in writing/recording music right now than actually gigging. Out of the blue she actually supported this and this week offered to give me some of her IRS rebate check to buy music toys (I said that's OK). But it was a surprise. So I'm gonna do the recording thing and in the 1 trillion to 1 chance that the original music catches on somewhere, I'll worry about a band at that point. I need to go back to school to complete my degree and that is another element pulling from the opposite direction from my music. My impulse is to quit music and aggressively finish my degree but I won't be happy totally giving up music. So I think this keeps it in my life. As the PONR comes closer I guess I'm just trying to double check all these little things. Thanks again for all your input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GreenAsJade Posted July 17, 2008 Members Share Posted July 17, 2008 Awesome dude. You're sounding sensible about it now... good luck! GaJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockerdiva Posted July 17, 2008 Members Share Posted July 17, 2008 This may be true, but it seems to have limited relevance to this situation.The OP's GF was cool with him playing music. She even goes along to gigs. She's less cool with the idea of him going out late on weekends. But if she loves him she'll let him, eh? And what about tomorrow when the OP decides he'd like a bit of the swinger scene? (Not such a far leap from playing bars late at night) If she loves him she'll let him... Yeah right. People don't love other people for some lah-de-dah deep down reason "no matter what". People love people for what they have done and continue to do. The more you've done in the past to "earn" that love, the more it will forgive. But the idea that "I love you no matter what" does not translate to "therefore you can do whatever you like". I might love you, but if you are going swinging, I'm not living with you. Each person will have different things they can live with.It happens to turn out that this girl, supportive of the guy's music and solo gigging, was confronted by the idea that a guy who she thought was going to be with her on weekend nights might not be planning to spend his life that way afterall. This is _her_ fault?! God knows how the OP put it to her, it sure didn't sound great...GaJ I don't get how "I love you, so I appreciate that you want to play music and need to be out at night" is anywhere near the same thing as "I love you, so it's ok if you decide to be a swinger". ??? I'm so happy I have it the way I do. Maybe it is because he knew from the beginning that music was my greatest joy. Before we dated. As we dated. When we married. After kids. He does like to see me happy but I know also that it also has something to do with the fact that I bring home money from gigs. This is my job.I used to gig 6 nights a week, for years. Now I have a few side teaching things so I have lightened up a little but it is still common for me to be doing 4 or 5 a week...and never, NEVER in 20 years have I heard one word of discouragement, or "why can't you be home more nights, honey" or anything even remotely like that. No jealousy. He's so happy to stay home, save money by eating in, watch the kids, come to gigs when he can, hear about my other gigs when I get home - It's just awesome. I'm sure he knows it would be a dismal life for us both if he ever was dumb enough to suggest I give up music and pursue a day job, because I'd SURELY be miserable... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockerdiva Posted July 17, 2008 Members Share Posted July 17, 2008 I mean, it would be one thing if you were seriously talking about starting a family and that whole thang (and maybe you are, for all I know)... kids do deserve commitment and sacrifice at times. (Of course, who wants a bitter old man for a dad always reminding you of what he gave up so you could have a stable home life? I've sure heard that one from folks a few times.) I must live on another planet here. Man, I should really remember what a nice husband I have. My sacrifice when my last child was born - I played 5 gigs a week until 3 days before delivery, and went back to work 12 days after. My husband was thrilled that I took so little time off. What a dream situation for us that he worked days and I worked at night when he could watch the baby. No daycare was ever necessary! And we still had two incomes! Yes I breastfed them for the first few months and we had a system - when the baby started to get fussy, my husband put him in the car and drove him to me. All my steadies were approximately 2 miles from my home. Seeing my husband and baby at the door meant it was break time - I had a private spot to go to in every place where I played - I'd feed the baby and chat with my husband, back to the gig - wave bye bye! Maybe I'm lucky. I take it back I am for sure lucky. Like I said, this has been my job. Not getting rich but have been fortunate enough to make it my job. Basically I live in a touristy town which allows this. Obviously it is an unusual situation to have enough steady work only 2 miles from home but that's how it was. I realize the whole thing may be different if you had another day job and the gig thing was viewed as some sort of "extra" activity that pulled you away in the evenings. Or if it was something you had been less involved in at one time and then decided to get back into, etc. In our case I guess we just never had a lot of night time in the first place, so we don't miss it. You guys may wonder how we have any kind of marriage at all. But we see each other a lot. It may only be 2 or 3 nights per week, but there are late nights, some gigs end early because I play solo a lot, parts of Sundays, sometimes whole Sundays, he comes home for lunch for one hour per day, we talk on the phone a lot, we do take vacations. And we're so happy it's borderline sickening I swear. We were talking the other night and he said something like, I'll bet that only one in five married couples have the kind of closeness we share. Yeah, ok that's romantic husband talk - but he actually believes it - and so do I! Ok now that I have made you all puke I am going to go puke myself. Nah, I should delete this but what the heck you guys don't know me. Right? I don't know how I half deserved to find somebody like my husband but I am glad I did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JAFH Posted July 17, 2008 Members Share Posted July 17, 2008 I'm back. I can't access HC at work and I wasn't able to check up on this thread until now. Thanks everyone for chiming in on this. I agree with those who said something to the effect of "he knew he would get support on a musicians forum." But I also so a few posts that went the other way and I appreciate that. I did pull the switcharoo. We happened to start dating when I was NOT in a band and at the time I stated that I was done with bands. In retrospect, I was burnt out and should have chosen my words more wisely. I should have forseen the itch coming back after a break. When I talk about me wanting her to be the one and point of no return, etc.... I mean that we have been together 1.5 years now and she's everything I ever wanted. My last gf was the girl at all the gigs who brought her cute friends and got the dance floor going.. but the rest of the relationship wasn't good. This is the exact opposite. She's everything except the girl at the gig. And I think it's great. Back to point of no return (PONR)... once the holidays come along there will be a (real or imaginary) clock where I will be either thinking about or getting a ring. I think this may be a bit of me subconsciously testing her... I don't know. Anyhow... I came to peace with this the last couple days and decided to pursue my "recording project" with a friend. I actually am more interested in writing/recording music right now than actually gigging. Out of the blue she actually supported this and this week offered to give me some of her IRS rebate check to buy music toys (I said that's OK). But it was a surprise. So I'm gonna do the recording thing and in the 1 trillion to 1 chance that the original music catches on somewhere, I'll worry about a band at that point. I need to go back to school to complete my degree and that is another element pulling from the opposite direction from my music. My impulse is to quit music and aggressively finish my degree but I won't be happy totally giving up music. So I think this keeps it in my life. As the PONR comes closer I guess I'm just trying to double check all these little things. Thanks again for all your input. Best of luck, man - with the degree, the recording, the PONR and everything.And if she is everything you've ever wanted, never stop appreciating that, as it is a rarity in this world... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ChordGirl Posted July 17, 2008 Members Share Posted July 17, 2008 Maybe I'm lucky. I take it back I am for sure lucky. Good for you, RD! That sounds like the kind of marriage people dream of. I've very much enjoyed reading this thread with input from all the long-time musicians that also have long-time great relationships. It's nice to see that full-time musicians actually can and do have good marriages! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ggm1960 Posted July 17, 2008 Members Share Posted July 17, 2008 I came to peace with this the last couple days and decided to pursue my "recording project" with a friend. I actually am more interested in writing/recording music right now than actually gigging. Personally I find writing and recording much more gratifying that playing in my cover band, especially in these days of band over-saturation and lack of respect for musicians/musicianship. I feel very fortunate to be living in a time where I can create professional sound quality recordings on low cost computers. It's like a life's dream come true, albeit a little late. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shore924 Posted July 17, 2008 Members Share Posted July 17, 2008 38, married, kids, biz and groupie issues. Gig in a cover band 5-7 times per month. The cash keeps everybody cool... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GreenAsJade Posted July 17, 2008 Members Share Posted July 17, 2008 I don't get how "I love you, so I appreciate that you want to play music and need to be out at night" is anywhere near the same thing as "I love you, so it's ok if you decide to be a swinger". Now that faroutbob is all sorted I guess we can get philosophical I wonder if your question was serious or rhetorical? Were you trying to see how it could be anywhere near the same, or stating that you won't see it as anywhere near the same? Anyhow, clearly it is not _the same_, but is is the same _kind of thing_, just in a different degree. The "kind of thing" is "things that make a partner uncomfortable in a relationship". Playing in bars late at night is definitely a potental threat. Perhaps it's escaped you, but just over in a thread near here musicians are arguing "what happens on the road stays on the road", "what she doesn't know doesn't hurt her", "morals are all personal choice" and all that good stuff. In that context, it's understandable if a partner in a new relationship has qualms when confronted with the possibility that their spouse might be in that scene. The older the relationship, the more secure the partner can be that their spouse's morals match their own. In a new "pre PONR" relationship, it would surely be an area to tackle with sensitivity. So what I was saying is that from the gf's point of view, given that first she was given to understand that he wasn't into late night bands any more, now he is, theres' the trust to be built that is "he's into late night bands, but there's no question that he's not into a bit on the side". Because today a bit on the side, tomorrow swinging.... Note also that "I appreciate that you want to play music" is not the same as "You need to be out at night", which is how you've painted it. As others have observed, and maybe the OP has concluded, there are other ways of getting musical fulfilment than playing the bar scene. Heck - the OP even has performance fulfilment right now. For me it would be a shame to miss the heavy rock performance high, and late night music venues are really where you have to go for that.... so I'm glad and priviledged my wife supports it, but I don't take that for granted, and FWIW I did have to work consciously and hard to put in place the foundations that enabled it. GaJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SpaceNorman Posted July 18, 2008 Members Share Posted July 18, 2008 Now that faroutbob is all sorted I guess we can get philosophical So what I was saying is that from the gf's point of view, given that first she was given to understand that he wasn't into late night bands any more, now he is, theres' the trust to be built that is "he's into late night bands, but there's no question that he's not into a bit on the side". Because today a bit on the side, tomorrow swinging.... So...this whole building trust thing... If because when they first he let her know that he wasn't into late night bands any more - and now might be into playing music again (which most likely involves late nights) - his credibility is on the line? Because he's thinking about rekindling his interest in gigging - she needs to worry about his fidelity? There was a time that I lost my taste for mayonaisse .. and even told my wife that I didn't care for it. But lately, I happened onto some a couple months back and found I like it again. Does this mean I'm somehow more likely to land a starring role in an episode of "Cheaters"? I understand the forum's penchant for taking things to the extreme - it's easy and can sometimes illustrate a point. In this case though, I just don''t see how applies to the argument. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GreenAsJade Posted July 18, 2008 Members Share Posted July 18, 2008 OK, let me have one more try to make the connection. Liking mayonaise has no linkage that I am aware of with a person's fidelity. Liking to play music, per se, has no direct connection with a person's fidelity. Playing rock n roll in clubs, on the other hand? If you don't see the connection with the question of fidelity there then we are on different planets in this respect. Check into the "groupie" thread for reference. Or the "does she have a right to be at my gig" thread. I'll admit that my extension to "swinging" was an extreme, so let's put that down to an extreme example and leave it aside. In early courting days, partners are sizing up each other's disposition (possibly unconsciously). A prospective partner who spends a lot of time out late at night is surely higher up the risk evaluation than one who does not. This might be offset by the exiting character or sheer sex appeal of that trade, who knows. In a long standing relationship, the idea that "hey, I'm thinking of taking up an activity that will take me out on the evening we used to go out together every weekend" would in itself be something to treat sensitively, I would have thought. Add into that "I'm going into risky territory, where drunken chicks are likely leering at me" and it's hardly the same as "I'm going to try mayonaise at lunch time", is it? It was interesting to hear that the OP concluded he was trying himself and her out with this question a little. Makes sense - it's not an easy one. GaJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JAFH Posted July 18, 2008 Members Share Posted July 18, 2008 OK, let me have one more try to make the connection. Liking mayonaise has no linkage that I am aware of with a person's fidelity. Liking to play music, per se, has no direct connection with a person's fidelity. Playing rock n roll in clubs, on the other hand? If you don't see the connection with the question of fidelity there then we are on different planets in this respect. Check into the "groupie" thread for reference. Or the "does she have a right to be at my gig" thread. I'll admit that my extension to "swinging" was an extreme, so let's put that down to an extreme example and leave it aside. In early courting days, partners are sizing up each other's disposition (possibly unconsciously). A prospective partner who spends a lot of time out late at night is surely higher up the risk evaluation than one who does not. This might be offset by the exiting character or sheer sex appeal of that trade, who knows. In a long standing relationship, the idea that "hey, I'm thinking of taking up an activity that will take me out on the evening we used to go out together every weekend" would in itself be something to treat sensitively, I would have thought. Add into that "I'm going into risky territory, where drunken chicks are likely leering at me" and it's hardly the same as "I'm going to try mayonaise at lunch time", is it? It was interesting to hear that the OP concluded he was trying himself and her out with this question a little. Makes sense - it's not an easy one. GaJ Fidelity at a gig is the same as fidelity anywhere else - it's a conscious choice.Anyone has as good a shot of shagging some chippie in their workplace, gym, social circle, etc. as they do of shagging some chippie at a gig.Granted, I do believe that holding a guitar/bass. etc. suddenly (and inexplicably) makes you seem exponentially more attractive to females, which makes them more willing for a quick roll, but the thing is - if you choose not to bang 'em, you're still being faithful.Therefore, whether you're at work, on stage or at the local pub, it makes no difference who's attracted to you as long as you're not, in fact "plowing their fields" as it were.All kidding aside, I don't get why the adulation of some drunken freaks would make any difference to anyone's wife/girlfriend unless they are insecure or you are a known cheater.For me, this is a non-issue. :blah: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BlueStrat Posted July 18, 2008 Members Share Posted July 18, 2008 Fidelity at a gig is the same as fidelity anywhere else - it's a conscious choice.Anyone has as good a shot of shagging some chippie in their workplace, gym, social circle, etc. as they do of shagging some chippie at a gig. Except that in those other places, you don't have alcohol being sold and consumed as a social inhibition remover. I've seen lots of guys, some even in bands I've been in, get into bad situations with other women because both had too much to drink. You can't say it doesn't happen and you can't say it's as likely to happen anywhere else besides a bar. I've seen otherwise too any times over the last 35 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JAFH Posted July 18, 2008 Members Share Posted July 18, 2008 Except that in those other places, you don't have alcohol being sold and consumed as a social inhibition remover. I've seen lots of guys, some even in bands I've been in, get into bad situations with other women because both had too much to drink.You can't say it doesn't happen and you can't say it's as likely to happen anywhere else besides a bar. I've seen otherwise too any times over the last 35 years. I have been in my current job for four years, during which time, out of sixty employees at least four have gotten divorced because they were messing around with a co-worker. Drunk and stupid at a gig is exactly the same as drunk and stupid after work or anywhere else for that matter. You make the conscious choice of disregarding that person who is supposed to be the most important person in the world to you.Anything else is just an excuse. Booze and groupies is not a cause - it's a symptom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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