Jump to content

Looking for personal advice on this forum ...


Recommended Posts

  • Members

Whether or not he actually does it isn't the issue. Why he wants to do it is the issue. If he can't say it to your face, you may need to consider why that is.

To be perfectly honest, I like my mother's side of the family far more than my father's. I've even considered naming our first born with my mother's madien surname as their middle name. Why? They're decent people. My father's side of the family always treated us like {censored}.

Your son may not like your side of the family, and the fact that you are so offended is just making it hard for him to be honest as to why he's changing his last name.

This issue runs far deeper than simple respect, this {censored} is deep-rooted. Don't come down so hard on him and he just might be able to tell you why he wants to do this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 80
  • Created
  • Last Reply
  • Members

Have a conversation with him. Keep it factual. This means you need to articulate the exact reasons why you are apprehensive. Tell him you respect whatever his wishes are, but that he knew this was a big deal to you and would bother you and he committed to not making any changes. Then, instead of telling you (like an adult) he sends you a note with the name change on it.


That's ridiculous. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he has to start handling problems like one. This needs to be your point of contention.


You can't change the fact that he changed his name, but you raised him to be honest and to respectful.


I can't begin to tell you about the problems that I had with my parents throughout the planning of my wedding but I always dealt with the issues in a factual, objective manner. In the end, they respect me more for it and nothing was damaged permanently.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

So what's in a name? Paradoxically... everything, and yet nothing. You don't have to worship a name or a family history. That's not my point. But when it's there and has meaning, it has real meaning, you know? Mine does now, even if it's not my original name.

With the reality that families change -- often good people in tough situations -- names and family identities can morph over time. I'm one. HKMRich is another. Two common starts, two name changes, two different stories (his step-father sounds awesome, mine wasn't permanent) as far as who we identify with as a father.

Most of the time the kids are caught up in this and have no choice. It happens to us. Even if we had a choice... I remember Dad asking us if we wanted to change our name and we said yes at the time... we were young and immature, not able to make an informed decision (what I know now is from a lifetime of dealing with that and searching). Kids grow up and have to figure it out at some point in life. My "figuring" was a good deal of soul-searching after I got married. Before that I mainly just didn't think about it. I "woke up" when I considered the fact that I could have kids someday... and what was I going to tell them?

So what do you tell someone? They're crap unless they have their birth name? Or a blood-line name? Clearly not. I'm not. HKMRich is not. No matter whether it happens to you or you do it to yourself, I think this is something that can be overcome. It's a shame to see it happen this way. I can see more trouble down the line, but maybe that can be used for good at some point.

There is something wrong here, at least as I see it. This isn't a good move on his part, not the way it seems to have come down. However, I would not focus so much on trying to "stop it" at this point but rather try and get at what the real issue is. Maybe it's nothing more than sheer immaturity, but you would deal with that differently than something else. Hard to say. If he answers you man-to-man (sadly, even if he doesn't), he's a man and has the right to make his own mistakes.

Look yourself in the mirror and see what's there. What sort of father have you been? What kind of man are you? How has your relationship with him been? Good? Bad? Indifferent? Have you been there for him? Gone? Close?

Tough questions. Your son didn't spring up from nowhere. He came from you. You're a part of this, who he is, where he's going. You can help him even now, no matter what sort of dad you've been. Me suggesting you ask those hard questions of yourself isn't blame or thinking it's your fault, just being real. There's a story about a prodigal son who had a great dad and did something really stupid, took his inheritance, ran away, squandered it, then came to his senses, returned, and was welcomed back into the family. I don't think that had anything to do with the father.

I know this is sort of heavy for a guitar effects forum. I went out and bought two pedals today: Big Muff Pi and a Tubescreamer. I've got to start somewhere, so here it is. I've labored over the Internet trying to narrow down my search for a distortion/fuzz and overdrive pedal and come to the conclusion I can't afford the upper echelon right now. I would love to try and Analogman Maxon OD-9 classic + silver mod and a Keeley compressor and possibly a Rat, but, you know, $700 later.... huh-uh. I got 2 decent "classic" pedals for under $200 today. Came home and hooked them up and had a blast. I play an Epiphone Les Paul SE II (the really, really introductory Les Paul line) with Gibson Classic 57 and Classic 57 Plus pickups (my additions) through a Fender Blues Jr amp. I'm recording, but not gigging (yet).


Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...