Jump to content

Looking for personal advice on this forum ...


BmoreTele

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Dr. your brave-
I agree that disowning your son is a bad move. But there are more moderate things that can be done. If for no other reason than lying, this kid HAS done some things wrong. Talking to him like a man is the right thing to do. Calling him a liar and a disrespectful son is not horrible, it is fact. Again, I don't want him to skip the wedding either, but we don't exsist in a vacuum; just because he's an 'adult' doesn't mean he can disrespect his family.

BTW, let's not lose sight of the fact that the kid is the one trying to change his name, ie disown his family.

Also, bmore tele, what's your wife's take on this? It is her family's name, after all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 80
  • Created
  • Last Reply
  • Members

yes, listen to RobertCorrell, my dad has his mom's last name, and all of his brothers have their father's last name, so probably when my dad was young he felt confused, but he took that name with pride, it came from his mom, and his dad was just a {censored}in drunk, wife beater, so now i carry that name, and thats who we are, chances are "a) Complete ignorance in terms of his name, his roots, his family, his tradition, and where he fits in. (I was in this category for a long time)

 

or

 

b) Some deeply held pain that he's running from. Family shame, pain, father-issues.

 

or possibly

 

c) Fear of losing a woman who demands this in exchange for the relationship."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I think some people are totally blowing this out of all proportion.

All this talk about not going to the wedding and stuff is crazy...trust me Bmore you don't want something like this to ruin the relationship with your son. I would urge you to try and resolve this with him, whatever it takes... Even if it means backing down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Some suggestions:

{censored} with his head. Changer your name to his new name!

Before he has it legally changed, plant some blow on him and have him busted. It's a bit harder to change your name when you have a criminal record.

If all else fails -
After he's married and living in his new home with his new wife and new name, wait for them to go out and burn their house down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

The real reason I'm posting this is because my last name isn't my own. It's my mom's second husband's. We changed our names when she remarried (I was something like 7 years old), and that marriage didn't last forever -- only about 10 years. I finished high school and college without any real thoughts of changing it, and my real father hadn't been a part of my life until about 2 years ago. It's too late to go changing names now. I'm an adult, married, and have 4 kids. This is who I am, even if it doesn't have the same meaning to me as my real name would. For me, the solace is that I've starting a new family line with my wife and I as the 1st generation. For her and my kids, the name we carry has great meaning to it, so much so that it hurts her when I talk about it not meaning the same to me. I never talk like that around the kids. We're "TEAM CORRELL" and that's a big deal. I'm passing on our identity to them, even if it's been changed for me.

 

 

FWIW, my parents married when I was 5. I changed my last name from my biological father's to my step-father's when I was 9. My step-father is the only Dad I've ever known, and he's a darn good one at that. He adopted me legaly when I was 6 - long before I changed my name - and so he's not my step-father, he's my real father. I'm very glad that I changed my name. It was my decision - he would have never done it if I hadn't brought it up.

 

I never really had much to do with his family(mostly dead by the time I was born), and so I too view my self as the 1st generation. My wife, my kids, and I are all very proud of our name. Since we're the firsts, we get to establish the value of our name. It's as important as we make it be. We get to create the family traditions. We get to make it something that our grandkids can be proud of.

 

I guess my point is to rebuff those who say 'it's just a name, it's not important.' I know the value and importance of a name. My name is, and has made me, who I am. My name is not a trinket that I picked out because I thought it was cool. My name is a birthright that I leave to my children.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My take on this...if this is the worst problem in your relationship, you should count yourself lucky and not see it as a big deal. So your great-great-great (etc.) grandfather 50 generations back was a blacksmith and people called him "smith". You're not a black smith, your son's not a blacksmith (i'm assuming...maybe you are and that's the whole crux of the matter), and there really isn't much family identity to such a common name so if two people want to start fresh together with a new identity, it's not "rejecting" you, anymore than moving out of your house and starting a new famility is "rejecting" you.

But, then again, my last name comes from my father's step dad (who he didn't like) so we have no blood ties to it and my dad and I have both always kind of thought the idea of changing it to something else (either an old family name or something new) was a little appealing. I got married this summer and my wife's not changing her name...I basically couldn't care less. The name's not really that important. (If I wrote Fender on the headstock of your Les Paul or Gibson on your Tele, would you think the tone changed? It's still a kickass guitar, who cares?)

Tell him how you feel, hear his side of it, then live with his decision. If he's a good kid and you have a good relationship then move on and don't look back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I should also point out, I don't have to have the last name to know my family history. My mom's side of the family came on the Mayflower and my Dad's side includes a former vice president and signer of the constitution, Daniel Boone, and some other cool people. My grandfather died in WWII and I've visited his grave in Italy where his plane was shot down. I have very strong ties to all of this, and know all the family stories and traditions, even those none of them involve the bloodline of my name. I would focus more on adding to these family traditions and making your family history memorable than worrying about what letter to file it under.

my 2 cents

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It all depends on what your name is. If his name is "Frank {censored}mouthstien" and he wants to change it to "Frank Jones" then I gotta side with him.


Anyway, if he said he wouldn't change it and now he's going back on what he told you, then tell the future Frank Jones to have fun trying to cash checks made out to "Frank {censored}mouthstiein". Money talks, bull{censored} walks, as they say..

 

 

if i had seen this before i registered, Frank {censored}mouthstien would be my HC name. thanks for the humor. of course, i would change my name if it was Dick Hummer ... ir something equally ludicrous.

 

and if you "care" about your kid, screw it and get over it. bust his ass ONE TIME about it ... and see how often you get to see your grandson - Butt Fuqua.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I don't get why it's a big deal for some people that a man changes his name.


Now maybe he's doing it to be an asshole, and I can understand being upset. But I'd be upset that he's being an asshole, not that he's changing his name.


What's going to happen if he doesn't carry on your name?

 

 

yeah, just because i refused to be Charles Manson, Jr. doesn't mean i don't respect my poor old dada, no matter if he never makes parole or not ...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

and if you "care" about your kid, screw it and get over it. bust his ass ONE TIME about it ... and see how often you get to see your grandson - Butt Fuqua.

 

 

WTF? Is this country really full of such pansies that we can't call someone out for breaking their word? I don't want friends, or even family members, who can lie to me and disresepect me and not even be willing to talk about it. I'm not going to let myself get walked all over just because I'm afraid to talk about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
I heard at the end of WWII there were 500 Adolf Hilter's in NYC.


They all either unlisted their numbers, or changer their names, because the next phone book had none.
:confused:



Yeah, I've heard that lot's of folks here in the south named Lee and Davis changed their names after the civil war.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I think some people are totally blowing this out of all proportion.


All this talk about not going to the wedding and stuff is crazy...trust me Bmore you don't want something like this to ruin the relationship with your son. I would urge you to try and resolve this with him, whatever it takes... Even if it means backing down.

 

 

+1

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

WTF? Is this country really full of such pansies that we can't call someone out for breaking their word? I don't want friends, or even family members, who can lie to me and disresepect me and not even be willing to talk about it. I'm not going to let myself get walked all over just because I'm afraid to talk about it.

 

 

Agreed. Like I said my dad would kick my ass/disown me. Not saying thats what you should do but why is it that no one can handle getting called out on their bull{censored}. People just want to live in their nice little bubble without thought of how it affects other people and if someone does say something they have to go through a big existential crisis and take prozac. 95% of the men in America today need to grow a pair of balls.

 

 

Disclaimer: Not necessarily aimed at Bmoretele

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

So, to sum up -

 

I'm right.

He's right.

Suck it up.

Burn down his house.

Go to the wedding and celebrate.

Don't go to the wedding, stay home and sulk.

Don't worry about it.

Talk to him about it, again.

Disown him.

Make sure the wedding gets called off.

Stay quiet or the grandkids will be held hostage.

Sit back, watch his life spiral down into {censored} whipped hell and feel smug.

If you love him, let him make his own mistakes.

Names don't matter.

Everyone has the right to make their own decisions and that right must be respected, even if it hurts people.

Get over it.

Internet forums are filled with wisdom and compassion.

 

pick one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

So, to sum up -


I'm right.

He's right.

Suck it up.

Burn down his house.

Go to the wedding and celebrate.

Don't go to the wedding, stay home and sulk.

Don't worry about it.

Talk to him about it, again.

Disown him.

Make sure the wedding gets called off.

Stay quiet or the grandkids will be held hostage.

Sit back, watch his life spiral down into {censored} whipped hell and feel smug.

If you love him, let him make his own mistakes.

Names don't matter.

Everyone has the right to make their own decisions and that right must be respected, even if it hurts people.

Get over it.

Internet forums are filled with wisdom and compassion.


pick one.

 

 

I think what you should do is just straight up tell him "you can do what you want you're a big boy but you told me one thing and then did another against my wishes and I'm not happy/disappointed about it," and see how he responds. That would be the best course of action to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

In all seriousness, I think your son is screwed up. He should respect his elders, he should respect his dad, and he should respect his birth name. You have every right to be pissed. This kid has issues and it most likely has to do with... her. Women can screw with your mind, and she's screwing with his. But you're his dad and you were there first. He should recognize this and not {censored} with his own dad this way.

 

But what can you do? Your hands are tied. Here's what you can do - when you update your will, include a note to him. Tell him you love him but he hurt you deep down with the name change. He'll be older, more mature and he will feel guilt and it will all fall into perspective. Maybe there's a silver lining - maybe he'll have a son who, out of respect for you, changes his name back to Smith. You're not on the wrong side here, the kid is making a mistake.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I think what you should do is just straight up tell him "you can do what you want you're a big boy but you told me one thing and then did another against my wishes and I'm not happy/disappointed about it," and see how he responds. That would be the best course of action to me.


I would also add that you had to find out by reading the invitation and that he never came to you with the decision even though he knew how you felt.

 

 

+ a billion.

 

This position allows you to talk to him with moderation, respect, and honesty, all of which are good. (and all things he could stand to have modeled to him, imo)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

So, to sum up -


I'm right.

He's right.

Suck it up.

Burn down his house.

Go to the wedding and celebrate.

Don't go to the wedding, stay home and sulk.

Don't worry about it.

Talk to him about it, again.

Disown him.

Make sure the wedding gets called off.

Stay quiet or the grandkids will be held hostage.

Sit back, watch his life spiral down into {censored} whipped hell and feel smug.

If you love him, let him make his own mistakes.

Names don't matter.

Everyone has the right to make their own decisions and that right must be respected, even if it hurts people.

Get over it.

Internet forums are filled with wisdom and compassion.


pick one.

 

 

:poke:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...