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Looking for personal advice on this forum ...


BmoreTele

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It's tough to give any advice in a situation like this. Yes, it is their choice, and there's nothing you can do about it. At the same time, you are entitled to your emotions, and you can't really deny them.

 

At the risk of sounding like an old fart, names and their heritage don't mean the same to young people today. Traditionally, women took their husband's name as a sign of her joining his family and heritage. These days, I'd say it is much more of a personal statement as to who they are (as a way of marking a new beginning for the both of them).

 

/Andreas

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Right, ok....

I don't know what to say really, but I think you have to let it go. I think your actual possible rejection of his marrage is kinda worse to be honest. Our children will always do things we don't really like, but you have to let them do thier own thing. explain how you feel for sure....but I think he really needs to feel supported even if you aren't keen on the idea.

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p.s. I'm not married, but I have 2 kids and a loving partner and we live as if we were married. I did ask her once about 8 years ago if she wanted to change her name to mine and she said she didn't....I kinda felt a bit sad about that at the time, but I don't even think about it now, it really wouldn't have changed anything.

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My last name is Smith.


My son says it is a boring name.


His fiancee agrees. She doesn't like her maiden name. They picked my mother in law's maiden name because "she is old and dying and we wanted to honor her." My mother in law could care less.


I have had the conversation with my son about the downside of this name change. That's the problem. We talked it out, he agreed not to make the change, and now, by paying somebody to engrave the Thank You cards, it's a done deal. It strikes me as a sneaky, passive aggressive way to try to get over on me.


Women routinely change their names when they get married. His fiancee is getting to pick a name she likes. He's going along because he's whipped. I am sad to see my son walking around with a leash around his neck.

 

 

Unfortunately, like you said, you've already had the talk and your son made his decision... even though it wasn't the decision he originally told you he made. There's not much else to do other than state your objections as you already have. If your son is whipped as you say, that is something he'll have to live with along with the name change... and probably the divorce several years from now. Now all that's left for you to do is step back and either: a) be there for your son when he eventually realizes he messed up; or b) be happy for the fact that he is leading a happy, productive life with a woman he loves.

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My last name is Smith.


My son says it is a boring name.


His fiancee agrees. She doesn't like her maiden name. They picked my mother in law's maiden name because "she is old and dying and we wanted to honor her." My mother in law could care less.


I have had the conversation with my son about the downside of this name change. That's the problem. We talked it out, he agreed not to make the change, and now, by paying somebody to engrave the Thank You cards, it's a done deal. It strikes me as a sneaky, passive aggressive way to try to get over on me.


Women routinely change their names when they get married. His fiancee is getting to pick a name she likes. He's going along because he's whipped. I am sad to see my son walking around with a leash around his neck.

 

 

I sympathize with your disappointment. Now, the days of parenting are over, so there is no point in scolding your son over this like a parent (not implying this was ever your intention). However, you are justified in feeling that perhaps he could have handled things better, by being more open and frank about changing his mind, and thus not being willing to accommodate your wishes. I tend to agree that it is not unlikely that your son is whipped. And now comes my point: If this is indeed the case, then the "punishment" for letting you down will not be wanting. It is now no longer your job to raise your son and teach him right from wrong - the teaching however continues throughout life. If he is in a whipping relationship, he will run into trouble - the trouble with you being the first of these - and these problems will now become his potential for growth. Here, you have a double role. On the one hand you represent an obstacle to your son, on the other hand of course you will want to help him. As I said before, go to the wedding and participate in good spirits. However, on a long term scale, of course you must remain faithful to your feelings and your perception of the case. And as I have just outlined, this is in your son's best interest too, even if it means he must go through trouble. With best wishes for the both of you.

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Hey Bmore, sorry to hear about your situation. All around it's crappy and disheartening. It sounds like your son has a certain amount of disconnect from the weight of the matter, and can't empathize with just how important it is to you. And from what you said, it sounds like he isn't doing this to intentionally hurt or disrespect you. Right now he's just in his own little world with thoughts and reasoning that are beyond your comprehension. But that's normal for fathers and sons; it's natural that different generations, parents and kids, just aren't always going to get one another. He's young and this is probably one of those things that he'll look back on in life and regret since he'll realize the feeling of rejection and strain it put on your family.

 

And it would probably be better if you didn't add a regret to your list. I mean, as much as this sucks, do you really want to do something that is going to really strain your relationship with your son. You obviously care about the kid, so why do something brash that could potentially put a huge rift between the two of you. That would be even a greater loss than that of your surname. Sometimes it's better to just bear through the rough times knowing what you know, and appreciating later when he comes around to understand. You don't necessarily have to be wearing a smile through it all, but supporting and being there for him would be huge. But that's just my take.

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He is not only rejecting your name but your family also. It's disrespectful sure. It's also a bit womanly that he couldn't talk to you about. Your wife's mother didn't raise him. Sounds like a great kid, and a peach of a gal. Are they paying the thousands of dollars cost of the wedding? Sorry for your loss. Hope you have other kids that can carry on the family name. There is really nothing you can do about it. He should know how you feel, but I have no real advice on what to do.

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I know he's your kid and all (so apologies in advance), but he's a ball-less prick for doing something like that.

Total {censored} cowardly move.

No respect for his family line and his elders and of course, you.


I wouldn't go to the wedding.

You understand he's gotta do this,

so he's gotta understand that you wont accept it.

I couldn't be at the wedding and hear them announce "presenting Mr. & Mrs. xxxx..." and not wanna put my foot thru the cake.


I wouldn't divorce myself from him either.

I mean you guys are father and son,

and have many years to live with one another,

but that's just real tough to accept while facing a hundred+ people at a wedding.


:freak:



Just want to add that I'm married and my wife kept her last name.
I didn't even think about asking her to change it.
She had her last name for 30+ yrs so who am I to ask her to change.
The thing is, if I insisted she would've changed but it means nothing to me.
My son on the other hand, has my last name.
That was never in question.

Point is, he could keep Smith and she could take on Boondoggle and all would be fine in the world.

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... is probably not a great idea, but ... I have a problem.


My son is getting married in a couple weeks. It's turning into a real production, totally not anything I would have done or would have inflicted on my family, but it's just one day and thousands of dollars, so wtf?


My son wants to change his name. He's not hyphenating or changing his last name to hers. They both are changing their last name to a different name. It happens to be my wife's mother's maiden name.


I don't care why they picked that name. The thing that gets me is that my son is basically rejecting the name I gave him, my name. He brought this up as a possibility when they got engaged and I told him I didn't like the idea. Beyond the confusion and creating the impression that he was changing his name to hide something, I felt it was a personal affront to me and my family. At the time, he told me he didn't want to hurt me and he wouldn't do it if I was opposed.


Time passes without any further discussion and I go over to visit this weekend and his fiancee shows me the Thank You cards with their new last name engraved on it.


So, how am I supposed to behave at this wedding where I feel I am being personally disrespected?


:confused::mad::freak:



I can understand how that might be upsetting but I don't like your reasons in particular. He doesn't have to take the name "You" gave him if he doesn't want to.

I WOULD be worried though as to why he's taking your wife's maiden name - which you seemingly don't care about, I think that's the issue here, as it seems to be favouring one parent above the other.

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His fiancee is getting to pick a name she likes. He's going along because he's whipped. I am sad to see my son walking around with a leash around his neck.

 

 

THIS is the life lesson you must impress upon your son.

Once whipped, always whipped.

He'll be divorced and she'll take him for everything inside of 10 years.

Make book on this.

 

He's starting on the wrong foot and there's no changing it once he says "I do".

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My last name is Smith.





And all this time I thought it was Tele. I would take that last name in a second!
:)


Sorry, I don't have anything constructive to add. But I will say that changing it because it's boring is pretty lame.

Maybe you should address him in your will as "Smith" with a stipulation that he does not get his share under any other name. (Of course, I don't mean for that to be any time SOON). But that would be a way of getting the point across. And it's just as sneaky as what he did.

OK maybe that was constructive?

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I can understand how that might be upsetting but I don't like your reasons in particular. He doesn't have to take the name "You" gave him if he doesn't want to.


I WOULD be worried though as to why he's taking your wife's maiden name - which you seemingly don't care about, I think that's the issue here, as it seems to be favouring one parent above the other.

 

 

 

I disagree. Whether or not the woman should always take the man's name is a different question and I can understand a debate about that. But this is about his son changing names out of boredom, and lying about it to his father.

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I can understand how that might be upsetting but I don't like your reasons in particular. He doesn't have to take the name "You" gave him if he doesn't want to.


I WOULD be worried though as to why he's taking your wife's maiden name - which you seemingly don't care about, I think that's the issue here, as it seems to be favouring one parent above the other.

 

 

It's not that my son is not "taking" my name, he's rejecting it.

 

Then he has to file legal paperwork, pay a small fee, and replace all his ID's - credit cards, passport, Social Security, bank accounts, etc. I don't know how he's going to get transcripts and job references when he's using a different last name.

 

How about it Devi? How big a deal is it to change all your ID information?

 

It's generally accepted and expected that women change their names when they marry. There isn't the same kind of easy understanding if a man does the same. It's a big decision.

 

And it's not my wife's maiden name, it's her mother's maiden name. There's no one in the whole extended family that uses that name.

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Agreed. It's
his
decision to make.





My sister's best friend married a man of a different race.

Her parents disowner her because of prejudice.

My parents "stepped up" and did everything that is "expected" from parents with the wedding.

NOBODY from her family even showed up.
They hated the idea she was marring a "negro"

Beautiful wedding.

:cry:

3 weeks later she died of a massive heart attack at age 26.

At the funeral, her relatives were confused because her last name had changed, because of marriage.


The NEVER made it good with their daughter.

the only thing that was on their mind was the fact they disagreed with what deciaion their ONLY daughter made as an adult.


There were SO many people at the funeral who wanted to know how the wedding was.

They had to go to my mom for the scoop.

Her parents had nothing to say. They were not there.



Learn something man, let your kid make a decision.


You should be happy for him.

Worse things have happened.


How would you feel if your kid died of a heart attack before you could tell him that your respect his dicision.

I witnessed it happen.

Yea, changing a name may not be too cool, but there could be worse.


ACCEPT IT!

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I accept that he is an adult and that he has made a decision.


I am upset that he lied to me about it.

 

 

Ok... so he lied to you, is it the first time?

 

I honestly think your kid made a decision.

 

He talked to you about it, and saw your responce.

 

Maybe he knew talking to you about it again would get NOWHERE.

 

WHY????

 

 

Because he knows where you stand, and his decision is made.

 

 

So instead of starting another arguement, he made his decision.

 

He can live with it, so can you.

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The one thing you CAN NOT DO is nothing. You have to do something, because the fact is if this goes down you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
As a dad, I have to be honest with you. It's VERY likely that you've done something, or perhaps many things, to cause this. A kid does not do this unless motivated by ignorance, hurt, or fear, or a complete lack of respect. I'm not saying this is your fault. I am saying that this problem, and getting it resolved, is your responsibility.

BTW, this is the definative post in this thread:

I'm a new member, so howdy all. I'm 41 and have 4 kids of my own (all 5 and under).


The really crappy thing is that you can't do anything about this, because it's his deal. The harder you push, the further you would probably push him away.


But you don't have to be silent, and you can explain some things to him that might make him reflect.


The real reason I'm posting this is because my last name isn't my own. It's my mom's second husband's. We changed our names when she remarried (I was something like 7 years old), and that marriage didn't last forever -- only about 10 years. I finished high school and college without any real thoughts of changing it, and my real father hadn't been a part of my life until about 2 years ago. It's too late to go changing names now. I'm an adult, married, and have 4 kids. This is who I am, even if it doesn't have the same meaning to me as my real name would. For me, the solace is that I've starting a new family line with my wife and I as the 1st generation. For her and my kids, the name we carry has great meaning to it, so much so that it hurts her when I talk about it not meaning the same to me. I never talk like that around the kids. We're "TEAM CORRELL" and that's a big deal. I'm passing on our identity to them, even if it's been changed for me.


Anyway, I can't imaging a young man doing this without:


a) Complete ignorance in terms of his name, his roots, his family, his tradition, and where he fits in. (I was in this category for a long time)


or


b) Some deeply held pain that he's running from. Family shame, pain, father-issues.


or possibly


c) Fear of losing a woman who demands this in exchange for the relationship.


None of these are good. IMHO, all require careful insight and investigation on your part to find out that the hell's *really* going on and why.


I can't tell you why. But I can support you in your effort to guide him. He'll still be your son, even if he makes an incredibly stupid, hurtful decision.


God Bless

 

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I don't get why it's a big deal for some people that a man changes his name.

 

Now maybe he's doing it to be an asshole, and I can understand being upset. But I'd be upset that he's being an asshole, not that he's changing his name.

 

What's going to happen if he doesn't carry on your name?

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