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Looking for personal advice on this forum ...


BmoreTele

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... is probably not a great idea, but ... I have a problem.

 

My son is getting married in a couple weeks. It's turning into a real production, totally not anything I would have done or would have inflicted on my family, but it's just one day and thousands of dollars, so wtf?

 

My son wants to change his name. He's not hyphenating or changing his last name to hers. They both are changing their last name to a different name. It happens to be my wife's mother's maiden name.

 

I don't care why they picked that name. The thing that gets me is that my son is basically rejecting the name I gave him, my name. He brought this up as a possibility when they got engaged and I told him I didn't like the idea. Beyond the confusion and creating the impression that he was changing his name to hide something, I felt it was a personal affront to me and my family. At the time, he told me he didn't want to hurt me and he wouldn't do it if I was opposed.

 

Time passes without any further discussion and I go over to visit this weekend and his fiancee shows me the Thank You cards with their new last name engraved on it.

 

So, how am I supposed to behave at this wedding where I feel I am being personally disrespected?

 

:confused::mad::freak:

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That's effed' up. I can't imagine the conflict this is raising. Has he ever mentioned in the past his dissatisfaction with your family name? If not, this is bridal induced. He needs to put his foot down, now. This all could swing on your last name. If your last name is funny in a non funny way, well then we may have to reconsider. You know what I mean. Good Luck.

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If you don't really feel good about this then you'll need to find a way to express yourself loud and clear - not in an agressive sorta way, just like straight to the point - and this should be done like... Now.

 

You might consider asking why he is changing his name first though - if I did get it right the reason is unclear for you - right?

 

Life has a fair share of odd times, this is just one of those.

 

If you guys like eachother and have a reasonable relationship then you'll find a way out of this.

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In the past few years I have gained an appreciation for the passing of a name to a new generation. Its not something you think about until you consider things like kids and a family which Im not seriously considering but I definitely understand.

 

As much as he has participated in the discussions, it seems like the marriage could hinge on this detail. Was it her idea? What is the justification. By all means, be the one that speaks now and doesn't hold his peace.

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For men, your surname is like your football team, you cant just decide to change it half way through your life.

Whats his reasoing for it? I think its really retarded and he will likely end up regretting it.

Unless your surname is Glasscock and your mother-in-laws surname is Dudermeister.

that is all

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I know he's your kid and all (so apologies in advance), but he's a ball-less prick for doing something like that.
Total {censored} cowardly move.
No respect for his family line and his elders and of course, you.

I wouldn't go to the wedding.
You understand he's gotta do this,
so he's gotta understand that you wont accept it.
I couldn't be at the wedding and hear them announce "presenting Mr. & Mrs. xxxx..." and not wanna put my foot thru the cake.

I wouldn't divorce myself from him either.
I mean you guys are father and son,
and have many years to live with one another,
but that's just real tough to accept while facing a hundred+ people at a wedding.

:freak:

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It all depends on what your name is. If his name is "Frank {censored}mouthstien" and he wants to change it to "Frank Jones" then I gotta side with him.

Anyway, if he said he wouldn't change it and now he's going back on what he told you, then tell the future Frank Jones to have fun trying to cash checks made out to "Frank {censored}mouthstiein". Money talks, bull{censored} walks, as they say..

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+1

 

 

I disagree. I believe as a man you should want to pass on your family name unless your dad's a serial rapist or something. My dad would kick my ass if something like this happened and theres no way I'd marry a girl who wanted this (not saying its her fault). I'm the only male in my generation of Rhodes so its my thing to pass it on. Maybe I'm a little more traditional being from KS and all.

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I'm a new member, so howdy all. I'm 41 and have 4 kids of my own (all 5 and under).

The really crappy thing is that you can't do anything about this, because it's his deal. The harder you push, the further you would probably push him away.

But you don't have to be silent, and you can explain some things to him that might make him reflect.

The real reason I'm posting this is because my last name isn't my own. It's my mom's second husband's. We changed our names when she remarried (I was something like 7 years old), and that marriage didn't last forever -- only about 10 years. I finished high school and college without any real thoughts of changing it, and my real father hadn't been a part of my life until about 2 years ago. It's too late to go changing names now. I'm an adult, married, and have 4 kids. This is who I am, even if it doesn't have the same meaning to me as my real name would. For me, the solace is that I've starting a new family line with my wife and I as the 1st generation. For her and my kids, the name we carry has great meaning to it, so much so that it hurts her when I talk about it not meaning the same to me. I never talk like that around the kids. We're "TEAM CORRELL" and that's a big deal. I'm passing on our identity to them, even if it's been changed for me.

Anyway, I can't imaging a young man doing this without:

a) Complete ignorance in terms of his name, his roots, his family, his tradition, and where he fits in. (I was in this category for a long time)

or

b) Some deeply held pain that he's running from. Family shame, pain, father-issues.

or possibly

c) Fear of losing a woman who demands this in exchange for the relationship.

None of these are good. IMHO, all require careful insight and investigation on your part to find out that the hell's *really* going on and why.

I can't tell you why. But I can support you in your effort to guide him. He'll still be your son, even if he makes an incredibly stupid, hurtful decision.

God Bless

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I don't care why they picked that name. The thing that gets me is that my son is basically rejecting the name I gave him, my name. He brought this up as a possibility when they got engaged and I told him I didn't like the idea. Beyond the confusion and creating the impression that he was changing his name to hide something, I felt it was a personal affront to me and my family. At the time, he told me he didn't want to hurt me and he wouldn't do it if I was opposed.

 

I can understand why you feel that way. However, I think you should try to assume a different perspective. Look at your son's desire for a new name rather as a post-modern fad of creating one's identity out of one's imagination. For now, though, just concentrate on participating in the wedding in good spirits (lest you regret not having done so at a later date). But when the wedding is well over, ask your son why he wanted a new name, and what really lies behind it (- why do you say you don't care?). Try not to focus on your personal pride, as this can only lead to frustration.

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My last name is Smith.

My son says it is a boring name.

His fiancee agrees. She doesn't like her maiden name. They picked my mother in law's maiden name because "she is old and dying and we wanted to honor her." My mother in law could care less.

I have had the conversation with my son about the downside of this name change. That's the problem. We talked it out, he agreed not to make the change, and now, by paying somebody to engrave the Thank You cards, it's a done deal. It strikes me as a sneaky, passive aggressive way to try to get over on me.

Women routinely change their names when they get married. His fiancee is getting to pick a name she likes. He's going along because he's whipped. I am sad to see my son walking around with a leash around his neck.

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