Rough sketch new song

[u6crash]

Hey everyone,

 

I'd like to get some very preliminary thoughts on this bit I recorded today. First off, I haven't recorded anything in years. Seriously. Part of the first verse was written years ago and I was bored and work today so I wrote the rest. I've really been out of songwriting for a long time and I'm not sure if I have the time to really get into it, but we'll see.

 

Second, this is really rough. I'm not yet setup for quality recording so this was just done with one take using the built in microphone on my laptop. It is what it is except I copied the track and dubbed in some acoustic guitar echo effect.

 

Stop Sign

 

Tentatively titled "Stop Sign". I'll post the lyrics if they're hard for you to make out. Thanks in advance for your criticisms.

[blue2blue]

u6crash

 

I couldn't get that link to work -- you dropped an "r" in three -- I figured out that much -- but it still didn't work -- so I went looking for it on your site and I still couldn't find it.

 

 

But if you fix the link I'll, for sure, give it a listen later today!

[u6crash]

I had an extra 'e' in "hodgepodge". It should work now

[eeglug]

It sounds better than I'd expect from a laptop mic LOL. I liked it but I'm definitely not that great with catching lyrics especially at this tempo. Music-wise, it needs a bridge and an ending. But this is a solid start and I imagine if you work on it more you'll have a good one.

[u6crash]

Yeah, I really want a bridge and I haven't decided if it will be an instrumental guitar solo thing or if it will have some lyrics. Actually, I'm not too keen on the second chorus (is it a chorus if it doesn't repeat?), but it's what I came up with at the time. A while ago I had a verse about juggling knives and I think I just want to keep with the car theme. Like I said, I've been out of the songwriting game for a while and never serious about it (as in making a career or anything) and any preliminary reactions will help me as I hope to continue working on this song over the weekend and play an acoustic version at open mic next Thursday. Thanks for your thoughts eeglug!

 

The lyrics:

 

 

The car door open

I'm secretly hoping

the road rash will scar

and I'll roll really far

 

And I'll break a few bones before I get home

We'll get to play before we call it a day

 

(Chorus 1)

Pull out the fire extinguisher

We'll put out the mess that we made

And take a hit from the shock paddles

Don't want to to buy no grave digger spade

 

Coming off the interstate

quickly tempting fate

flashing our lights

on a cold foggy night

 

See these beads of sweat?

Are you placing bets?

Have we blown past the stop sign yet?

 

(Chorus 2)

Launch yourself into orbit

If you front the cash then I'll go too

We'll leap out the end of the space station

And fall down buring into our zoo

 

Have we blown past the stop sign yet?

[blue2blue]

I really like the lyrics -- but I don't get the reference to the space station and zoo (Vonnegut, maybe?)

 

Seems like it would be a great segue, lyrically, with "Warm Leatherette"...

 

Despite the tightness of the rhyme spacing, I think that really works. (I'm a fool for 3/4 rhymes like open/hoping... of course, in my normal speech, there are not a lot of g's on the end of my present participles, as I pronounce them. )

 

I like it, even if I don't get the space station/zoo thing... There's room for some mystery in my life.

 

[Chicken Monkey]

The lyrics are better than the performance, for sure. I like your voice, but I don't like your singing on this one--too high, too fast, too forced. Mellow it out a little bit, hit all the right notes, and it will sound a lot better. I'm not liking the melody, especially--seems a little meander-y, but maybe that's the performance issue again. I really like the lyrics--I'd love to be able to write lyrics that people can project themselves into like I did with yours.

[rsadasiv]

As a demo I thought the recording/performance was fine. Definitely needs a bridge - the bridge should work under the lyric "Have we blown the stop sign yet" and should go right where you have that line in the song now. The verses and chorus are fine as they are, although a more regular reference to "Have we blown the stop sign yet" (the last line of every verse?) might work (maybe accompanied by a more linear sequence of events in the verses?).

[u6crash]

Thanks for the thoughts! I really think I might axe the second chorus, but I'll tell you what I was thinking about it anyway. Going into orbit and jumping from the space station being an extreme and dangerous thing to do like the driving elements suggest. Falling down burning being reentering the atmosphere and the zoo being our everyday lives full of problems and discord. As I said earlier, I feel it departs from the other elements too much and I may repeat chorus 1, but switch up the last line.

 

I'm going to try and set up my mixer, etc. and get some drum tracks going then try to tighten it all up. I won't lie though, I'm rusty and my performance won't sound spectacular until I put it a lot more practice time. Such is life.

 

Thanks again!

[jewel]

to repeat what was said, i also think the recording/performance was fine for a demo. keep playing this one and it will fall together. don't force your will on the musical elements. they will come. this is an important song for you. if it wasn't, you would not have tracked it. the lyrics are fine as they are. they came from somewhere. your guitar playing in this setting was good. it will have to be tightened up just a little for the studio. the song had sort of a neil young type of flavor to me. very musical. imperfect but musical.

 

peace, jeff

[DevilRaysFan]

I agree with everyone that the demo as-is serves its purpose......I also agree that it needs a bridge...

 

I do think its too fast and Im not feeling the drama in your lyrics, which are good BTW, as you deliver them....If you like it as is, great, but I would try and experiment with a slower BPM and perhaps try different grooves, like a slower acoustic-funk or latin-esque, which I think would sell the lyrics better, or start it off at a slower BPM and have two or three progressively increasing tempo changes throughout the song to set-off the storyline in your lyrics

[u6crash]

Thanks again for all the comments. I think I've decided to use the lyrics from the second chorus as lyrics for the bridge. The music in the bridge isn't radically different, but the lyrics will be delivered differently. I still want to write a third verse I think. When I get some writing done I'll try and put it to some drum loops and guitar and see what I've got. Unfortunately, I'm not going to get a lot of work put into it this weekend. A family situation arose Friday afternoon and it looks like I'll have that on my plate. But thanks again everyone!