Members diceman1000 Posted November 26, 2007 Members Share Posted November 26, 2007 this is part of one country song i'm currently writing,i've got about fifteen going around in my head right now.this one is called drive away... Drive Away (by Damon Allen Rice)here we go again,another friend just done us wrongi'm so sick & tired of it,this roads been way to longyou know some are just that way,the more you give the more they takeand alot of folks that you think you know in the end just wind up fake choruswell we could sneek out tonight at 3 A.M.pack up the minivan,and be gone with the wind,yeahdrive away to california,start a new life you and meleave behind everything and everyone,forget it alland just be free,yeah so,what do oyu guys think?i came up with this on break at work one saturday,that seems to be when things come to me,at work:rolleyes:...i've got lots of others in my head.thanks in advance Damon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Music_Addict Posted November 26, 2007 Members Share Posted November 26, 2007 its good. i like it!i definatly think country.cant wait to hear the rest of them. -Mich Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members diceman1000 Posted November 26, 2007 Author Members Share Posted November 26, 2007 its good. i like it!i definatly think country.cant wait to hear the rest of them.-Mich why thank you sir...i'll post more,gotta go to bed right now...i work at 4:30 A.M.,it's 9:30 P.M. right now.thanks for checking it out Damon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted November 26, 2007 Members Share Posted November 26, 2007 Hi, Damon! I think you've got the core of a song, here, for sure. Reading what you've got, I think I want to know more about what and why they feel like picking up and taking off. (BTW, I like the mini-van detail -- it works hard to say a lot with just a few words -- a good choice of detail... we know it's not a 19 year kid living in his folks' garage singing the song -- the did would be driving a 10 year old Nissan coupe, after all -- but more likely a family man/woman.) Of course -- you dont' want to bog down in details, either. I think, ideally, you'd want something that shows the kind of everyday betrayal that seems to be driving the song emotionally, without getting too caught up in the specifics... actually kind of tricky, now that I think about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted November 26, 2007 Members Share Posted November 26, 2007 Hi, Damon! I think you've got the core of a song, here, for sure. Reading what you've got, I think I want to know more about what and why they feel like picking up and taking off. (BTW, I like the mini-van detail -- it works hard to say a lot with just a few words -- a good choice of detail... we know it's not a 19 year kid living in his folks' garage singing the song -- the did would be driving a 10 year old Nissan coupe, after all -- but more likely a family man/woman.) +1 - the minivan makes all the difference. The first verse is kind of generic/false (I don't buy the "friends done us wrong" stuff at all, and the take/fake rhyme is terrible) while the second verse has telling details and rings true. I would cut the first verse entirely - it's just a drag on the good parts in the second verse - and expand the story a little farther. The scenario kind of reminds me of Albert Brooks' "Lost in America" - I don't know if that is a direction you want to pursue, but I remember enjoying the movie quite a bit (especially the scene in Vegas where his wife confesses to having lost all of their getaway money). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 26, 2007 Moderators Share Posted November 26, 2007 First off, Let me say I really dig the internal rhyme scheme. I don't know if it's intentional but if it is you're killing me. Italics for internals and bold for end of line. Both for... um, both. here we go again,another friend just done us wrongi'm so sick & tired of it,this roads been way to longyou know some are just that way,the more you give the more they takeand alot of folks that you think you know in the end just wind up fake I agree about the friend doing you wrong not being great unless you can elaborate very succinctly. But keep the rhyme scheme! Same with "fake". You could be more creative there, "takes another piece of cake" or break or escape. Then the chorus. What about that minivan. It's a great detail but you might be able to tell even more by trading it in? well we could sneak out tonight at 3 A.M.pack up the minivan,and be gone with the wind,yeahdrive away to California,start a new life you and meleave behind everything and everyone,forget it alland just be free,yeah to Pack up the minivan, and be gone with the wind, yeahStop at sunrise and trade that sucker in, yeahKeep driving to California, hair blowing in the breezeKeep driving to California, a new life for you and me Not that that's any better 'cause it's not but I like what you did with the action of the minivan and you should try to keep your chorus going with that action. Then write a 2nd verse with exactly the same rhyme scheme as the first, including the internals... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members diceman1000 Posted November 26, 2007 Author Members Share Posted November 26, 2007 thanks for the replies guy's,and keep them coming...keep in mind that i'm a total amature and i came up with what i have in about 10-15 minutes.i also sing and am trying to learn to play guitar on top of working 12 hrs. a day 6-7 days a week.this song,and every other one i'm thinking about,is about my life.it was inspired by a handful of old "friends" that seem to only come around about once every three years,three of them in particular.all three of them have stolen from me,two of them have tried to sleep with my wife,and the the one i've known the longest keeps trying to drive a wedge between my wife and i.i've got parts to several going around in my head,i've got titles for them all and bits and pieces,nothing complete yet though.here are the titles and basis for the songs my caitybear,about my preemie daughter who was 1 pound 13 oz.,12" long at birth(she's 7 now),and the hell we went through just to get her home it's just me-this ones about how much of a {censored} i was to my wife in the first year of our relationship and how i crawled back to her even when the gord lord says it's time-another about my wife and i.about how my life was {censored} before her,and how i'll love her even after i'm gone tell methis one is about a very close friend of mine that shot himself in 1995,i actualy wrote it about 12 years ago,going to convert it to a country tune though my lifethis ones about how much i love my life,and how i wouldn't change anything my old man(stars and bars)-about my dad,who is a breed all his own battle scars-this ones about how screwed up my childhood was,and how i don't use it as a crutch and how other people shouldn't either.bacicaly,the past is the past.we are responsible for our own actions. there will be more..again,thanks for the criticism and ideas.as you may be able to tell i want to be a performer as well as a writer,but i wouldn't complain if someone though one of my songs was good enpugh to producde fo another artist...if anyones interested you can checkout my myspace to see pics of me and my family...thanks again Damon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members diceman1000 Posted November 26, 2007 Author Members Share Posted November 26, 2007 crap,i forgot the myspace link... www.myspace.com/diceman1000 Damon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members diceman1000 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Members Share Posted November 30, 2007 anyone elese? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Swingfinger Posted November 30, 2007 Members Share Posted November 30, 2007 this is part of one country song i'm currently writing,i've got about fifteen going around in my head right now.this one is called drive away... Drive Away (by Damon Allen Rice)here we go again,another friend just done us wrongi'm so sick & tired of it,this roads been way to longyou know some are just that way,the more you give the more they takeand alot of folks that you think you know in the end just wind up fake choruswell we could sneek out tonight at 3 A.M.pack up the minivan,and be gone with the wind,yeahdrive away to california,start a new life you and meleave behind everything and everyone,forget it alland just be free,yeahso,what do oyu guys think?i came up with this on break at work one saturday,that seems to be when things come to me,at work:rolleyes:...i've got lots of others in my head.thanks in advanceDamon I'd have to hear the chorus with a nice melody but I could definitely hear a few hooks in there. I'm not a country fan at all but these seem pretty good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mick411 Posted November 30, 2007 Members Share Posted November 30, 2007 First off, Let me say I really dig the internal rhyme scheme. I don't know if it's intentional but if it is you're killing me. Italics for internals and bold for end of line. Both for... um, both. Hey can you please explain the internal rhyme you mentioned? None of these words rhyme with each other: againfriendwaytake Thanks in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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