Lyric critique?

[Lee Knight]

It's punchy acoustic/electric pop. Think Graham Parker with no snarl. Once again I seem to have ventured into cliche territory but have attempted to twist the cliches a bit (I think). Any ideas?

 

 

A Million Miles From You

 

Some strange attraction

I can

[rsadasiv]

The lyric scans well and I can hear the Sparks era Graham Parker cadences. I like the 10 feet = a million miles twist; the fact that they are acutally in the same room together but unable to connect. But the rest is a sea of cliche, and it is going to take a lot of hard effort to overcome that burden.

 

The cliches are especially bad because they are so old the referents don't even exist any more. Inside a telephone booth? Long distance line? Straight as an arrow?

 

In the bridge "screamin' at the moon" is pretty awful, and the word "million" occurs about a million times too many.

 

A million miles

A million miles

I

[Lee Knight]

Great points. I thought I liked the outdated booth idea and long distance line but you make a strong case. Jesus, I am suffering from some serious cliche virus. Thanks for the candor.

[thepalpitations]

Agree with rsadasiv about the cliches. The idea about the references being out-of-date, however, sparked an idea for me which you may be able to parley into something. We're constantly told how cell phones/internet/telecommunications are making the world smaller and bringing people closer together. Maybe you could use a few references along those lines (nothing too gimmicky, of course) to show that although technology may be bringing people together, we're always going to have these personal isolation problems (e.g. a million miles away across the room).

 

Just an idea.

[rsadasiv]

[Lee Knight]

 

Agree with rsadasiv about the cliches. The idea about the references being out-of-date, however, sparked an idea for me which you may be able to parley into something. We're constantly told how cell phones/internet/telecommunications are making the world smaller and bringing people closer together . Maybe you could use a few references along those lines (nothing too gimmicky, of course) to show that although technology may be bringing people together, we're always going to have these personal isolation problems (e.g. a million miles away across the room). Just an idea.

 

 

That is brilliant! Thanks...

[blue2blue]

Graham Parker without growl is Joe Jackson, right?

 

 

I like the central conceit, it's a timeless one. So near, yet so far. And I like the chorus.

 

But I think the verses don't really reach me for the most part.

 

When there are as many familiar bits (did I hear the word cliche above... that's such an ugly word ) as there are, here, I figure the writer is likely making some sort of meta-comment with them. But, here, it seems like they're there for their basic meaning and to fill things in. And, from a smart guy like you, I want more...

 

But, like I said, familiar elements or not, I do like the chorus. ("Howlin' at the moon, etc.")

[Bryer M.]

good stuff

[blue2blue]

 

Agree with rsadasiv about the cliches. The idea about the references being out-of-date, however, sparked an idea for me which you may be able to parley into something. We're constantly told how cell phones/internet/telecommunications are making the world smaller and bringing people closer together . Maybe you could use a few references along those lines (nothing too gimmicky, of course) to show that although technology may be bringing people together, we're always going to have these personal isolation problems (e.g. a million miles away across the room). Just an idea.

 

 

I find myself watching Perry Mason reruns I saw for the first time about a half century ago (it's my favorite show, bar none) these days and, from time to time starting to think at sticky points in the convoluted plots -- Just call him on the damn cell phone! And then catching myself.

 

Of course, Perry's on-call P.I., Paul Drake, had a mobile phone in his car. Every once in a great while you hear him asking the marine operator [in LA mobile phone service was tied into harbor/port communications; don't know how it worked in other areas].

 

A friend of my parents had a marine mobile phone in his car but almost never used it because it was extremely expensive to make a call on it. (I remember it as five dollars -- but that seems so extraordinary, adjusted for inflation. That'd be like $70 or so, now.)

[Chicken Monkey]

I am far more forgiving re: cliches than Ram, I guess. I'm put off by the outdated technology, a bit, but not in a major way. I would trade in "touch your skin" for something more interesting. I don't think I'd edit as brutally as has been suggested.

[MDR]

Hi

[Lee Knight]

I had a line once "dropped a dime in the telephone". I mean, the line sang great. Words sung are different than words read. And I do write stuff that sounds good sung. But dime?" And booth? So this is why I post my stuff without the music, that and the fact that I'm too lazy thus far to go through the whole Soundclick business. But I do need to do it. The music works. The telephone booth line sounds absolutely cool sung. It really does. But booth? Or dime? It needs changing no doubt and all the points thus far are right in the uh... money.

[blue2blue]

"She caught the Katy and left me a mule to ride..."

 

 

I have ridden a few mules in my day but I still have no idea what the Katy is (must be a train, that's what I always figured -- and I have ridden trains... ).

 

I like dated lyrics.

 

Back int he 70s I wrote a song with the line, "First left my woman back in 1966..." (I would have been just getting out of jr high about then.)

 

For a time in the 90s, I updated it to '86 and then I thought... heck with that... so it's back to '66.

 

Another song has the well-worn line, Sitting all alone by my telephone... (I like starting off with a line that a million folks have used... I must have ten songs that start off, I woke up this mornin'... )

 

Anyhow, every once in a while I like to 'update' that line to:

 

Sitting all alone by my videophone...

(And I find that sounds even more quaint.)