New Song(rough), What do you think?

[smross]

Hello,

 

I've been a part of the community for a while. Been upgrading my gear since the last time I uploaded some music, so it sounds a bit better. I'm still considering this soung rough because it is set up for my drummer to practice for live and I biffed some of the vocals.. therefore it isn't exactly set up as the final version will be when I structure it for the studio. Anyways, this song is one of the newer songs I've written, and I'm really interested in some constructive feedback. I hope you all enjoy it.

 

 

 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=774627

 

 

NAME: ==> "Coloring Book"

 

 

Lyrics:

 

VERSE:

Staring Jesus right in the face,

Praying hard for something to change,

Taking long breaths to pass the day,

Faith is good but people are fake,

 

CHORUS:

I wonder what it'd be like if kings had flings and acted like animals in the spring,

Down with convention preesentation and all of this unecessary intervention,

Take off your clothes take a smoke and eat something that would normally make you choke,

Life is for living, experieince the feeling,

Stop coloring inside the lines,

 

VERSE:

Memorize your times tables, the ABCs,

Time to learn about the birds and bees,

We once were apes and swang from trees,

Put together the pieces and what do you see,

 

CHORUS:

***Same as first***

 

BRIDGE:

Don't wait a miute, re-think your life,

We were born to live free, and get by dispite,

Dispite all the questions, we're making our way,

Rip out the pages, and poor on the paint,

 

CHORUS:

***Same words, different structure(This is the primary part the song structure differs vs. how it will be in final recording)***

 

 

That is it.. hope you enjoy!

 

--Stefan

[3rd_harmonic]

I like the vocals and the guitar alot.

 

I like the "Stop coloring inside the lines" line.

 

I've never known what to think about Christian rock -- assuming that's what this is --- so I gotta leave the critique of the rest to those who know what Christian rockers like. It's strange to me even though I understand the message and may even agree with it to some extent. If it's not Christian rock, then sorry for the hasty characterization.

 

When I got time, I'll listen to your other songs.

[Marko]

I enjoyed it as well.

 

I checked out your other songs, and enjoyed them also.

 

Sorry, no constructive feedback, just a mention that I think you

[Mikeo]

 

Hello, I've been a part of the community for a while. Been upgrading my gear since the last time I uploaded some music, so it sounds a bit better. I'm still considering this soung rough because it is set up for my drummer to practice for live and I biffed some of the vocals.. therefore it isn't exactly set up as the final version will be when I structure it for the studio. Anyways, this song is one of the newer songs I've written, and I'm really interested in some constructive feedback. I hope you all enjoy it. http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=774627 NAME: ==> "Coloring Book" Lyrics: VERSE: Staring Jesus right in the face, Praying hard for something to change, Taking long breaths to pass the day, Faith is good but people are fake, CHORUS: I wonder what it'd be like if kings had flings and acted like animals in the spring, Down with convention preesentation and all of this unecessary intervention, Take off your clothes take a smoke and eat something that would normally make you choke, Life is for living, experieince the feeling, Stop coloring inside the lines, VERSE: Memorize your times tables, the ABCs, Time to learn about the birds and bees, We once were apes and swang from trees, Put together the pieces and what do you see, CHORUS: ***Same as first*** BRIDGE: Don't wait a miute, re-think your life, We were born to live free, and get by dispite, Dispite all the questions, we're making our way, Rip out the pages, and poor on the paint, CHORUS: ***Same words, different structure(This is the primary part the song structure differs vs. how it will be in final recording)*** That is it.. hope you enjoy! --Stefan

 

 

 

I liked it, but here's what I think it needs.

 

This would be the pre chorus

 

I wonder what it'd be like if kings had flings and acted like animals in the spring,

Down with convention preesentation and all of this unecessary intervention

 

now this is were a catchy chorus needs to kick in, you need to nail that one home

 

 

I'm gonna re write something for ya, you see if you like it

 

Original

Take off your clothes take a smoke and eat something that would normally make you choke,

Life is for living, experieince the feeling,

Stop coloring inside the lines,

 

 

New chorus

Stop Coloring, and have a smoke

Inside the lines will make you choke

Life is for living, in good and bad times

You'll never know inside the lines

 

 

I don't know if you like, but it was just my suggestion.

I think you off to a damn good one

 

 

let me know what you tink, but I think it needs taht catchy drive it home chorus. PM me if you see my post

[eeglug]

Good stuff. I'm not real happy with the end of the chorus - I think the "stop coloring inside the lines" is a weak ending to a nice rhythmically flowing chorus. The chorus starts out good and moves along really well but that last line is not strong enough payoff IMO. Otherwise the song is a good one and you perform it well.

[ido1957]

Good stuff. I'm not real happy with the end of the chorus - I think the "stop coloring inside the lines" is a weak ending to a nice rhythmically flowing chorus. The chorus starts out good and moves along really well but that last line is not strong enough payoff IMO. Otherwise the song is a good one and you perform it well.

 

I have to agree with the above - I thought this while listening also. Just add a bit of pizzazz there. Overall it's a good song with a good message.

[smross]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I appreciate it. Christian Rock guy, you pointed out my biggest fear. This song is not christian rock, but I thought people might think it since it starts out talking about Jesus. The message of the songs is to just live life and not worry about things like religion, society, etc. I poke fun at all of those things in the lyrics.

 

As for the pre-chorus, do you mean before every chorus?

 

As for the end of the chorus on the vocal line, I'll work something out, record it, and upload it. Any suggestions as to how I should do it... should it be more rhythmically complicated? Should it be a higher pitch... any suggestions are appreciated.

 

--Stefan

[Mikeo]

I didn't get the chords down to your song, but it would be cool if you posted em, and I might be able to show you the chorus I came up with. I felt it him home and was catchy. Might work out the chords later if you don't stop back

 

VERSE:

Staring Jesus right in the face,

Praying hard for something to change,

Taking long breaths to pass the day,

Faith is good but people are fake,

 

 

PRE CHORUS:

I wonder what it'd be like if kings had flings and acted like animals in the spring,

Down with convention preesentation and all of this unecessary intervention

 

Chorus (IF YOU LIKE WHAT I DID)

Stop Coloring, and have a smoke

Inside the lines will make you choke

Life is for living, in good and bad times

You'll never know inside the lines

 

VERSE 2:Memorize your times tables, the ABCs,

Time to learn about the birds and bees,

We once were apes and swang from trees,

Put together the pieces and what do you see

 

 

repeate Pre chorus and chorus

BRIDGE:

Don't wait a miute, re-think your life,

We were born to live free, and get by dispite,

Dispite all the questions, we're making our way,

Rip out the pages, and poor on the paint,

 

repeate Pre chorus and chorus

[Nick*]

Good tune. Cool melody.... radio type of tune. Vocals were really good too....not necessarily my type of thing, but a voice like that would probably attract quite a few fans.

[smross]

Mikeo,

 

The chords to the songs are as follows in the chorus:

 

Open type F#,Open Type A, Then a chord I don't know what it is called...

 

----

----

----

-11--

-9--

-7--

 

Then

 

----

----

-9--

-7--

-5--

----

 

The chords are really quite simple actually.

 

The open F# is played like

 

-0--

-0--

-3--

-4--

-4--

-2--

 

The A chord is the same but on the fifth fret.

 

Let me know what you wanted to do with that pre-chorus:thu:

[blue2blue]

My favorite line: "I wonder what it'd be like if kings had flings and acted like animals in the spring..."

 

That said, I think they do... from my read of history (and we can include presidents and prime ministers, of course, too).

 

I'm concerned that the phrase "stop coloring between the lines" shows you're thinking too much inside the box -- box cliche chosen specifically for double irony . Just as using phrases like "thinking inside the box" shows on is...

 

 

Anyhow, lots of good bits, the overall sound is appealing but the interlocking guitar parts seem to not interlock as tightly as required (noticed this esp. in the intro) by the intricacy of the parts.

[smross]

Blue,

 

When I was writing the lyrics to the song I was going for a somewhat ironic approach. The line in the chorus, "I wonder what it would be like if kings had flings," is supposed to point out a societal ideal of what is expected of kings. In a way I am asking, what if this kind of stuff was widly accepted. What if "kings had flings", it was widely publicized, and accepted. However, since a king is a king, it is an even larger crime when they do something wrong... seems kind of silly doesn't it. Also, the line doesn't specifically pertain to kings, but also people that hold high positions in society.

 

Mostly I like people to get whatever they like out of my lyrics, but is was something along those lines that I was going for.

[ProgRock11]

I don't like that line either. And it could be me, but the vocal melody in the verses seemed to be very choppy and generic. Like when you sing..."chaa-ange" and "faa-aake," it just sounds less natural as compared to the rest of your singing, which is quite good. Otherwise, I dug it.

[Mikeo]

Stefan,

 

I messed around with your tune a bit this morning.

Anyway, this is what I talking about in the chrous, a catchy hook that pops out a bit

 

If you go to my sound click page, you can see what I'm am talking about, you may like it better, you may not. Do what you liike with it.

 

I couldn't quite figure uot what you were doing on my first listen, but thought it was in the key of A.

 

Anyway thanks for the updated, it confirmed a few things, about the key.

I also could quite figer out what you were doing about te open F# thing. I did tune my geetar to open F#, but I liek what you were doing and not what I was doing

 

Anyway I noodled a bit with it and posted a quick clip.

 

Verse

F# A D A

F#A F# D

 

The pre chorus remained the same F# and A 4x

the the chorus

Was just a F# A D A 4 times through.

 

I never worked out any details on the bridge as I very much liked it.

 

 

 

Do what you like, hope ya see this and I'll pm ya so you do

[smross]

I'll give it a listen when I get home from work.

[smross]

Michael I gave it a listen, I think you are definitely influenced by a different style and I like it. What I'll probalby do is make two different versions... I'll update you when I get it all together. I'll put together another version with your changes:)

[Sentry68]

Actually I like the 'stop coloring' line quite a bit myself- I don't think it's as cliche as it might feel (of course that perception might be enough to make it cliche). There are a a couple other bromides that feel quite a bit more threadbare to me.

 

I like the song as a whole and it grew on me with a couple listenings, particularly your singing style- it's pretty unique. The lyrics ramble around a bit but still loosely define a picture that is pretty well summed up with the last line of the chorus (and maybe by a couple Sheryl Crow tunes as well).

 

I didn't listen to anything else of yours yet, but I think this is a solid song that could maybe do with more than just acoustic guitar. I like it.

[smross]

Hey here is our recent live performance of the song. This was done after one electric rehearsal with the band(we'd done some acoustic practices)... And this is what came out.

 

 

 

Let me know what you all think. The movie was done through a Sony handy cam mini dv, with a wide lense attachment. The camera work was done by the drummer in the other band that was playing who had a few drinks and got a little enthusiastic with his shooting style because it was near the end of our set. Hope you all enjoy.

[tbry]

Well done...i like it...the only sugg is in the last chorus...there is no music for the 1st 2 lines...i think it should come back in after the first...good job!