Members Ernest Buckley Posted October 25, 2009 Members Share Posted October 25, 2009 Alright chaps, this is a first for me. I usually don`t publish anything until its done but here we go! I sort of have a bridge section that I put in italics but I`m not sure if I`m being redundant so let me know.... Loving You So WrongWords and Music by Ernest BuckleyCopyright 2009 It may have been the starsAnd how they aligned in the skyYeah it may have been the starsAnd how they shined in your eyesOr it could have been your manAnd how he held your handOr maybe it`s just somethingThat we can never understand Cause you got me believingBelieving in this feelingFeeling so illogical; feeling undeniableCause I knew it at first sightAnd I never thought I could be so blind But I never felt this way beforeSo could you tell me, why is loving you so wrong Yeah I know that you gotYour house, your car, your kidsYeah I know that you gotYour man, his diamond ringsAnd I know that you gotQuote, unquote securityBut I know that its meWho you dream of when you sleep Cause you got me believingBelieving in this feelingFeeling so illogical; feeling undeniableCause I knew it at first sightAnd I never thought I could be so blind But I never felt this way beforeSo could you tell me, why is loving you so wrong Queens got her castleQueens got her KingQueens got everything she wantsBut she don`t got what she needs Cause you got me believingBelieving in this feelingFeeling so illogical; feeling undeniableCause I knew it at first sightAnd I never thought I could be so blind But I never felt this way beforeSo could you tell me, why is loving you so wrong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 25, 2009 Members Share Posted October 25, 2009 I like it. There is a timeless story line and some good cadence to the verses. I'm kind of curious as to how the 'illogical/undeniable' line will play......it stuck out at first but upon subsequent readings I find myself attracted to that line. And.....I'll bet that the bridge part will play well. I like its economy of phrase. Not sure I would call it redundant. It really boils down the song's message quite well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 25, 2009 Members Share Posted October 25, 2009 Well, I like the set up... a good cheating -- or want-to-cheat -- story is often a fertile field to work... but this is really just a snapshot of that feeling, that urge. And that's OK, obviously, a lot of fine songs take that narrow focus. You know, that's what a lot of love songs are, a paean to that feeling you get at the moment of falling. Still, I feel like I get some tantalizing set-up (the family details) but then it doesn't go anywhere. (Like plot elements in a mystery that don't fit in, later, if feels a little like you've been cheated.) Now, we all know that songs that can work great with music and singing don't always look right on the page, so take this with a grain of salt: But, when I look at a song like this, disembodied from the music, one of the first things I look for is the implied rhythm -- and the rhyme scheme. Of course, there are no hard fast rules about rhyme schemes. There's no rule that says you can't go from ABAB in one section of a verse to CCDC in the next... with some internal rhyme, to boot (aligned/shined)... but when you then move to a chorus that appears to have no rhyme at all -- followed up by more verses that not only don't have any rhyme (except repeated line-end words) and that also seem to have an entirely different rhythmic structure, it does give me pause, wondering about what musical magic might be able to tie these seemingly disparate lyrical sections together... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted October 25, 2009 Members Share Posted October 25, 2009 This might turn out to be a good example of a rhyme scheme that is not textbook and work out fine...there are songs and artist that can do it with a great melody...someone here made a real good point...experiment with non traditional schemes , just don't let it sound like an experiment. All and all this was/is well done with a story and a unrequited love thing going on...I have a feeling your music will support it well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 25, 2009 Moderators Share Posted October 25, 2009 I like the bridge a lot. It has a nice contrast to the verse/chorus feel. Its redundant use of "queen's got". And what I really like about it, whether intended or not, is the slightly chiding quality. Calling her queen. Almost a taunt. Just daring her to bail and come get some EB. Like she know she should. I like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 25, 2009 Members Share Posted October 25, 2009 Calling her queen. Almost a taunt. Just daring her to bail and come get some EB. Like she know she should. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted October 25, 2009 Author Members Share Posted October 25, 2009 Thanks everyone. Lee, Good observation about the bridge, that is the intent. I just recorded myself singing and playing this with PhotoBooth on my iMac but uploading it to the Internet is another story. Stay tuned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members james21v Posted October 26, 2009 Members Share Posted October 26, 2009 well this is the song i love most ...i wanted its lyrics...... i m thankful....thanks... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted October 27, 2009 Author Members Share Posted October 27, 2009 James21v- Welcome to HC. Thanks for the kind words. Song Update Anyone know how to export PhotoBooth vids? I recorded a short 3 min vid of me singing and playing the song for your critique but I cannot export it. Frustrating... Even though I went to the file menu and selected "export" to desktop, the vid never showed up. What gives?? Also, I`m thinking of throwing a curve into the second chorus by changing the lyrics to... Cause I got you believingBelieving in this feelingFeeling so illogical; feeling undeniableCause you knew it at first sightAnd you never thought you could be so blind But you never felt this way beforeSo could you tell me, why is loving you/me? so wrong Too confusing or does it add another element to the song? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockinrobby Posted October 27, 2009 Members Share Posted October 27, 2009 Ernest? If lovin you is wrong? I don't wanna be right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted October 27, 2009 Author Members Share Posted October 27, 2009 It was just a matter of time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted October 28, 2009 Author Members Share Posted October 28, 2009 Hey Everyone, Took a few days but I figured it out. Here Ya Go Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Boydog Posted October 29, 2009 Members Share Posted October 29, 2009 ya got a good potiential there man, very good prospect.. just watched the vid , I say again, very good prospective Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 29, 2009 Members Share Posted October 29, 2009 Listened yesterday morning. My first thought was that with such a profusion of lyrics the song made for a challenging delivery. The tune stuck with me during the day and I meant to listen again last night but got caught up in the studio. So......this listen really drove the tune home for me. This song is all about delivery. There are many places where you really nail it by accentuating certain phrases......'I know that you got', for instance. I still like the bridge, but the transition into it is tricky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted October 29, 2009 Author Members Share Posted October 29, 2009 I still like the bridge, but the transition into it is tricky. I completely agree with you and that is the only thing still irking me. Maybe I`ll go straight into it. I have to work it a bit more. Thanks for listening and the feedback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 29, 2009 Moderators Share Posted October 29, 2009 After hearing it, here's my take... The bridge rocks. It has to have that thing that happens when words just want to be sung. Where they roll off your tongue without issue. The verses and choruses, while sounding great, do have an issue I think you should address. Too... many... words. Go through and strip every word that doesn't have to be there. Find out a way to get your words to suggest a more punched up rhythmic quality. When you've got that in your lyric phrasing, somehow the rest just falls into place. So in my opinion, every time you feel yourself slightly tripping over a word or phrase, get mean and cut it lean. This song is begging for directness. Succinctness. You need holes to suggest a lyric phrase with more rhythmic interest. You should be speaking from the gut but the wordiness suggests you're not so sure yourself. You're not lighting her on fire. WAR... huh... what is it good for! "feeling so illogical" You need more of the former gut stuff. Illogical isn't the word you're looking for. I don't think. It's hard to sing and I really don't think that's what you're trying to say. So your... Cause I got you believingBelieving in this feelingFeeling so illogical; feeling undeniableCause you knew it at first sightAnd you never thought you could be so blind But you never felt this way beforeSo could you tell me, why is loving you/me? so wrong ...it might take to paring down a bit. I'm not paying any attention to your cadence at this point and only making a point about succinctness here: Got you believingBelieving in this feelingYou know it's wrong, you know it's right You've never been this blindNever lost your sightSometimes love don't come without a fight And maybe... you've known it all alongSo tell me... why is loving me so wrong Pare it down. Go for her gut by using yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted October 30, 2009 Members Share Posted October 30, 2009 I love the story through the verses. I love the title/concept. A couple suggestions-- -Fewer words is always the right advice. The 50 cent words in the chorus sound neat the first time, then get clunkier and clunkier with each time through. My general rule when I'm writing is wordy verses, simple choruses. I can't imagine anyone being able to sing along with your chorus by the last time through. -want vs. need is a pretty tired lyrical concept, and you're not adding any vim here. I'd redo the second half of the bridge. -Chordally, there seems to be a lot of similarities between all three sections. This sounds like a full-band song to me, so you could distinguish the various sections through other means, but as a single-guitar arrangement, it all sounded samey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted October 30, 2009 Author Members Share Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks Lee and Monkey! I appreciate the feedback. Its still a work in progress and the first time I ever published something for the world to hear before I was entirely satisfied with. I will continue to work on the lyrics and the melody is being tweaked as we speak. I also agree about this being a band song. This is the first time I wrote a song using the same chord progression in the verse and chorus. It worked when I was grooving to it so I just went with it. I`ll keep you updated as things progress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted November 1, 2009 Members Share Posted November 1, 2009 Has a nice groove to it. Lyrically, want/need and hand/understand both bugged me a little, but it's not a deal breaker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockinrobby Posted November 1, 2009 Members Share Posted November 1, 2009 If lovin you is wrong, I don't wanna be right... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ernest Buckley Posted November 1, 2009 Author Members Share Posted November 1, 2009 If lovin you is wrong, I don't wanna be right... You said that already. Hey Guys, Thanks for all the feedback, I really appreciate you taking the time. Just to answer a few questions... Production I decided to use this song for my next CD which is going to be produced for a whole band in mind and it`ll sort of have a Nickeback feel to it so... say what you want about the band and their music, but I would love to be able to have a tenth of their success. Lyrics Also, I decided the lyrics will stay the way they originally flowed when I wrote them. Rhythmically, my delivery was a little rough on the video demo but the words do fit. Just a matter of practice. Transition Into Bridge The transition into the bridge was bothering me as it was several of you. I have fixed this and will post another demo sometime this week when I have some time. I think that demo will settle concerns. Peace, EB PS- Check out Robbies song "I Tried"... a beautiful tribute to Miss April. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted November 1, 2009 Members Share Posted November 1, 2009 Agree with you about the lyrics.....wordy, but you can pull it off. Bridge will work out fine. Agree about Robbie's tune. April, come she will. Maybe we can keep her essence around for a while longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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