"Last Round"--a metaphor extended to the breaking point

[Chicken Monkey]

I set out to finish a song tonight, and I pulled this one off the scrap heap. I had the tag line, and two images--a ring and bells, both of which apply to both boxing and marriage. In the end, I couldn't get the ring (my favorite part) to fit into this draft, especially with "ring" also being the means of sounding a bell.

 

It's a demo, with some rough fingerpicking, and some lyrical edits between recording the demo and actually typing out the lyrics:

 

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8439076

 

It's a rough draft, so I would like to know:

 

Does the metaphor work/do I pull it off?

Where can I make improvements?

Do the ends of the verses and the beginning of the chorus work together?

Did I rip something off unknowingly?

 

Thanks!

 

Lyrics:

How could I underestimate the power of a featherweight?

You got me when I let my guard down

I held out for a while, but you came in with an uppercut

and I think we just finished out last round

Ch:

I think we just finished out last round

You're the champion, here's your belt and crown

I finally decided that I'm better off here on the mat

and I think we just finished out last round.

 

Darling, you took your first swing when you heard the churchbell ring

How could I know I'd grow to dread that sound?

I wondered what'd the preacher mean, when he said "Alright, let's keep it clean"

Back then when we started our first round.

 

Chorus

 

Br: In this corner, the contender, see the fear there in his eyes

In this corner, the defender, hungry for the prize

 

Every time I'd try to leave, you'd come in with the bob and weave

Doin' your best to drop me to the ground.

But I've finally had enough--enough of all your fisticuffs

And I think that we've finished our last round.

 

Chorus

[eeglug]

The metaphor is open-ended and the song could hypothetically elude to a number of different back stories. I consider that a strength.

 

The division between verse and chorus is little weak. There is a lot of repetition of the 'finished our last round" phrase. You can cure it with an appropriate full band arrangement to make the division more explicit. (Maybe a brief one or two bar instrumental phrase needs be added to prep the chorus.)

 

There's gotta by someone out there that's written a pugilistic metaphor love song but I don't know if that's something you should be worrying about. (Elvis Costello has done at least one or two although sometimes his metaphor disturbingly crosses over into the idea that his narrator beats his women.)

 

Another good one from you.

[Lee Knight]

I missed the url to your soundclick. I'll try when I'm in a better environment. The lyrics...

 

You did asountingly well at using the metaphor and making it work on both ends. But...

 

I think lyrically it needs a little heart as well. Like a great show tune. Cole Porter, and he's working his word play then hits your heart unsuspecting.

 

I think we just finished out last round

You're the champion, take your belt and crown

I finally decided that I'm better off here on the mat

Heartbroken, here on the ground...

and I think we just finished out last round.

 

Something that goes beyond a well constructed use of the metaphor, and it is well done, but nudges the heart a bit as well.

 

Ira Gershwin's Fabric of Dreams did something along the lines that you're doing. Fabric/Greek Myth but he did it all in service of the main objective, his love for a woman. Your main objective is the end of a love. Don't for get the love part... the pain part. The emotion.

[ido1957]

You have to fix your link so people can click on it....

 

Good tune - your word play works well and definitely shows maturity and skill.

Nice guitar back up. The melody sounds very familiar but still unique making it easy to listen to....

[Lee Knight]

I had a chance to hear the file. I love the style, I get it. Really well done...

[Chicken Monkey]

fixed the url...

 

Thanks for the feedback so far. Lee, I think you're on to something, but I don't know where exactly to take it.

[Eclepto Funk]

i love the music and your delivery

 

the lyrics sound like a song about an abusive relationship ... the fighting doesn't seem so metaphorical as much as about real fighting

 

i think you need to decide where you want to go: is this a relationship where the dog fight is metaphorical or is this about a person who is getting beat up by his gf?

 

i think Lee Knight has a good point. make the song gritty or make the song whimsical. but here, it seems you're joking about something that shouldn't be joked about, because you're in the middle ground.

[rsadasiv]

Nice execution, but I'm not buying the part about boxing or the part about relationships.

[stickboymusic]

really enjoyed it my friend....for me it just works.... i would agree that the chorus isnt much stronger than the verse.... are you planning on keeping it just a guitar/vocal song? If so it may need to step up a little on the chorus or if you were planning on adding more instruments then this could be the thing to step it up.

 

Anyway i really enjoyed it - had no probs with the lyrics or melody,,,,just a nice little story/song with some good/clever lyrics

[Lee Knight]

 

really enjoyed it my friend....for me it just works.... i would agree that the chorus isnt much stronger than the verse.... are you planning on keeping it just a guitar/vocal song? If so it may need to step up a little on the chorus or if you were planning on adding more instruments then this could be the thing to step it up. Anyway i really enjoyed it - had no probs with the lyrics or melody,,,,just a nice little story/song with some good/clever lyrics

 

 

 

I agree. On first read (cause I didn't have the link working for me) it appeared well thought out yet perhaps a little too well thought out? As I mentioned, not enough emotion perhaps. But... when listening ... all that craft worked beautifully to deliver a very satisfying, clever song.

[LeonardScaper]

For me....the metaphor works well but it doesn't fit with the style of playing. I also struggled a bit at first determining as to whether the song was to be humorous or serious.

 

Perhaps a slower delivery would play better for the nature of the lyrics. As a listener I felt as if I needed some musical breaks to give me a chance to take in your message.

[blue2blue]

 

I set out to finish a song tonight, and I pulled this one off the scrap heap. I had the tag line, and two images--a ring and bells, both of which apply to both boxing and marriage. In the end, I couldn't get the ring (my favorite part) to fit into this draft, especially with "ring" also being the means of sounding a bell. It's a demo, with some rough fingerpicking, and some lyrical edits between recording the demo and actually typing out the lyrics: http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8439076 It's a rough draft, so I would like to know: Does the metaphor work/do I pull it off? Where can I make improvements? Do the ends of the verses and the beginning of the chorus work together? Did I rip something off unknowingly? Thanks! Lyrics: How could I underestimate the power of a featherweight? You got me when I let my guard down I held out for a while, but you came in with an uppercut and I think we just finished out last round Ch: I think we just finished out last round You're the champion, here's your belt and crown I finally decided that I'm better off here on the mat and I think we just finished out last round. Darling, you took your first swing when you heard the churchbell ring How could I know I'd grow to dread that sound? I wondered what'd the preacher mean, when he said "Alright, let's keep it clean" Back then when we started our first round. Chorus Br: In this corner, the contender, see the fear there in his eyes In this corner, the defender, hungry for the prize Every time I'd try to leave, you'd come in with the bob and weave Doin' your best to drop me to the ground. But I've finally had enough--enough of all your fisticuffs And I think that we've finished our last round. Chorus

 

With the notion that I've grown to be a fan of the overwritten country-crafted song... give me too clever by a full measure.... I rather like this.

 

If you're building a whole song on one stretched metaphor, you've got to be fully committed to that metaphor and I think you've done that pretty admirably.

 

Within the construct of that metaphor, there is great consistency and discipline. A song like this is easily undone by a lack of that consistency.

 

One note, I like the last verse the way it was sung better than the way you have it in the written lyrics. Even though it's a bit on the nose (but, wait, it's a song about boxing, on the nose is a good place thing, right?), that last verse gives us the explanation why he's throwing in the towel (!), even if we probably already suspected it. Since such an extended metaphor song is an exercise in formalism, I don't think such a bow to formalism is a bad thing.

[rhino55]

I like it but I would consider swapping the contender and defender in the bridge. By doing so, you would be setting the defender up as more of a tragic figure, fighting the fight even though he senses he will loose.