Members LCK Posted June 18, 2011 Members Share Posted June 18, 2011 So here's the first draft of the song with full melody. There are still some rough spots, but let me know what you think of the general direction. "Brooklyn Sunday" I ride the F train out to seethe one I love.For once my heart and I agreeshe's worth dreaming of.I dance from platform to the streetto find the lazy beat... ...of a Brooklyn Sunday, a Brooklyn Sunday afternoon,a Brooklyn Sunday, a Brooklyn Sunday afternoon. She starts our day at some cafein Cobble Hillwith yellow flowers on displayin ev'ry windowsill.When she laughs I hear guitars,they play a Django tune... ...for a Brooklyn Sunday, a Brooklyn Sunday afternoon,a Brooklyn Sunday, a Brooklyn Sunday afternoon. (interlude) We stop to buy some trinkets ata local fair.Then she shyly tells me thatshe'd like to cut my hair.I laugh but can't refuse,I'm like a lost balloon... ...floating through a Sunday, a Brooklyn Sunday afternoon,a Brooklyn Sunday, a Brooklyn Sunday afternoon. (solos) We have to take love on the runtill our Sunday fun is done.Sunday afternoon. I lean against the turnstile aswe kiss goodbye.This Brooklyn brand of magic hasme wond'ring why,why does Monday morningalways come too soon.And when will ev'ry day be... ...like a Brooklyn Sunday, a Brooklyn Sunday afternoon,a Brooklyn Sunday, a Brooklyn Sunday afternoon... (etc.) Words & Music Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted June 18, 2011 Members Share Posted June 18, 2011 Cool. The guitar vamp over the verse reminds me of Joni Mitchell (although the bridge is more bossa nova than I associate with Joni). This is a different genre, but the lyric also gives me a very specific picture of Brooklyn on a Sunday morning. [video=youtube;y74IBgLQF4Q]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y74IBgLQF4Q http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y74IBgLQF4Q Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted June 18, 2011 Members Share Posted June 18, 2011 Very nice. FTR, I prefer your ad libbed "this one's worth dreamin' of" over "she's worth dreaming of". You are the king of vocal interludes. I think you could have continued and faded out the part at 2:50, absolutely love that and, as much as I like the final verse/chorus, I think the song had said just about everything it needed to by then, IMO (BTW, I started typing that prior to reaching the end and I smiled when you brought that back for the actual ending. If you are going to keep that final verse that's the way to do it. ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted June 18, 2011 Members Share Posted June 18, 2011 Bravo. Glad to see that you put the best of the verbal imagery back in. Now it's time to pitch it to Tony Bennett... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark Blackburn Posted June 18, 2011 Members Share Posted June 18, 2011 Wow! Wonderful, Lee! I imagined the late Kenny Rankin loving this one -- enough to record it. [i hear flute obigatos (above any other solo instrument) do you?] As our wise new member from 'West-by-God-Virginia' put it: "Now it's time to pitch it to Tony Bennett." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kurdy Posted June 19, 2011 Members Share Posted June 19, 2011 I realize I'm responding sorta late here, but anyway, I found the music distracting. It kind of fools you into thinking there's nothing wrong with the lyrics. Seriously though, reading through the many critiques of the previous thread really makes a strong case for posting lyrics first. It's tougher to give an accurate critique when the melody makes it all go down so easy. In other words, great job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted June 19, 2011 Members Share Posted June 19, 2011 . . . , You'll notice that I put the "beat" stuff back into the 1st verse, but w/o the reference to "cars and busses;" not enough room, musically for it. (I also changed a few words, on the fly, as I was singing, but the printed version above is how I see the lyric, at least for now.) Again, this is a rough draft, but I'd like to know if I need a new direction, or if I'm on the right track. LCK I strongly disagree. I thought the sung lyrics worked grandly. Really quite smashing. My only critical point is the third "Brooklyn Sunday" in the chorus isn't as strong melodically as the rest of the song (which is SOLID). I realize you're setting up the unexpected chord change on the 4th "Brooklyn Sunday." But you might want to toss around some options on that to keep it better in the wonderful flow of the whole song. Not that it's a big thing really. You can probably work on some vocalization that will give it the personality it deserves. I even liked the bee-bop stuff. I could see you doing it just like that live. An audience would love it. (Though maybe that instrumental was a touch long; at least for mouth orchestra. ;) ;) Great work ! I love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted June 19, 2011 Members Share Posted June 19, 2011 PS - I was wondering as I listened how you were going to sum it up or conclude it at the end. I was waiting for the punch line. Then I saw; Monday comes too soon, and ; why can't every day be Sunday, and I thought it was a little predictable. But it does wrap it up pretty well. And it's a light song to be throwing in a zinger at the end. But you still might think about adding some bite. Like maybe some Sunday I'll ask her to be my everyday girl. or maybe some Sunday there'll be wedding bells; or something stronger. Aha. I see the printed lyrics are hinting that you're already heading that way from what's in the mp3. I'll shut up now. But I love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 19, 2011 Author Members Share Posted June 19, 2011 Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I'm still working on it. Sometimes I like it a lot, sometimes I think, "eh...I don't know..." As for the melody line on the 3rd "Brooklyn Sunday" (per Marshall's comment), I deliberately took it down from the 1st time thru, thinking that just repeating it would ruin things. Both the 1st and the 3rd line are sung over the same chord. So I'm fooling around with the idea of using a different chord there to give the chorus a little more harmonic movement, a little more flavor. (And you're right, Marshall, I'm not 100% committed to the melody on the 3rd line...) Also, I don't know if anyone noticed but the melody line on the first couple of verses is different from what I sang on the last verse. I like the sound of the last verse much better (tonight anyway), so I think I'll fine tune the whole melody to correspond with it. If it works, cool. If not, I've still got a little more work to do. I'm still not crazy about all the words. The third verse and the coda lines still need work, I think. But thanks for putting up with this process. I'm kind of amazed that it turned out as well as it did. But it ain't done yet... LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted June 19, 2011 Members Share Posted June 19, 2011 Just got a chance to listen........very cool tune. It floats along bouncing in the breezes like that balloon. Loved the scat and the nice guitar work that followed as well as the guitar work that ended it. Could end nicely just by letting the guitar take it out. I will say that the first verse...'find the lazy beat of.....' seemed a bit awkward, as if you needed to rush the words out to get them in. There were a couple of other similar instances that jusy barely caught my attention. I heard that melody change....think I like the last verse. Great images and a wonderful melody.......a nice walk for me on a New Jersey sunday morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 19, 2011 Author Members Share Posted June 19, 2011 Thanks, Lenny. You're right about the first verse. I'm working on it. Oddly (or not so oddly), I thought of you for inspiration while writing this one. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 19, 2011 Author Members Share Posted June 19, 2011 Here's a lyric update: the album version, maybe? If I cut the solos in half (from 32 bars to 16) I can still get the whole song in at 4:40. "Brooklyn Sunday" I ride the F train out to see the girl I love. For once my heart and I agree she Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted June 19, 2011 Members Share Posted June 19, 2011 You'll notice that I put the "beat" stuff back into the 1st verse, but w/o the reference to "cars and busses;" not enough room, musically for it. (I also changed a few words, on the fly, as I was singing, but the printed version above is how I see the lyric, at least for now.) Again, this is a rough draft, but I'd like to know if I need a new direction, or if I'm on the right track. LCK Sounds good. My only quibble is the cut my hair line, and it's a moderately small one. I get it, particularly followed up with the balloon metaphor, that he's surrendering to love, but the two, conjoined-but-slightly disjointed images don't quite fit together for me. (Now a shave... that would bring up a mostly forgotten image of a barber's college with all the students lined up giving straigt-edge razor shaves to dummies with balloon heads with faces printed on them and shaving cream smeared on them... but that's probably not what anyone had in mind. ) Anyhow, it definitely captures that fleeting perfect afternoon ecstasy. It's really easy to imagine a light, jazzy arrangement, with conga accents and maybe the near-obligatory flute skittering around the vocal lines. Perfect to hear at the sidewalk cafe as perfect afternoon turns to evening... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 19, 2011 Author Members Share Posted June 19, 2011 Sounds good. My only quibble is the cut my hair lineIt's really easy to imagine a light, jazzy arrangement, with conga accents and maybe the near-obligatory flute skittering around the vocal lines. Perfect to hear at the sidewalk cafe as perfect afternoon turns to evening... I cut the line hair line, for a couple of reasons (as you'll see in the latest version, a few comments up from this one). One reason for dumping it was that it stood out too much, which was kind of what you're saying. The other was I wanted to use two "air" rhymes for another section of the song. I think the flute gets short shrift. The sax always seems to come first in most people's minds... Speaking of which, I was caught off guard the other day by seeing this sequence from a pretty bad film called Angel Eyes. Jim Caviezel's character (who I believe has amnesia) picks up a trumpet at a jazz club and starts playing "Nature Boy" as if he's in a daze. In fairly short order he's joined onstage by a flautist. Hacky Hollywood stuff. Musically, though, it's pretty nice. [video=youtube;Dks3DQXjx4k] LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted June 20, 2011 Members Share Posted June 20, 2011 LCKYeah... nice harmony lines. Always a haunting melody. I don't know anything about the movie (I usually don't see them unless people have been saying good things about them for 10 or 20 years -- or if they were made by the Coens) but that scene did a fairly nice job of suggesting the magic of an intimate and ephemeral musical moment. Not always easy to do. I found myself thinking flute because of the light, jazzy feel, which suggested congas which then invited their pal the flute. I guess it's a range thing, but flute seems to work so nicely against congas, which is possibly why you see flutes with so many flavors of latin jazz. (Just as possible, of course, is the fact that saxes are expensive and, if I recall, are more difficult in humid, tropical climes because of the reed.) In fact, I think one of the reasons why Stan Getz worked so nicely in the bossa nova thing -- where you don't really run into that many saxes -- is because his sound could be so gentle and had that breathiness that seemed to float it up above the percussion. (But, of course, percussion was mostly handled by the trap drummer in Getz's groups.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted June 20, 2011 Members Share Posted June 20, 2011 Really, really nice work. No comments... realize a I'm a bit late on this. Love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 20, 2011 Moderators Share Posted June 20, 2011 Yeah! I'm hearing small jazz combo backing. Stand up bass, gut string guitar, trap kit, muted trumpet... very cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 22, 2011 Author Members Share Posted June 22, 2011 Finished lyric (?). I think so. I quite like the acrobat line... "Brooklyn Sunday" I ride the F train out to see the one I love. For once my heart and I agree -- this chick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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