Members LCK Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 Ok final lyric sheet - speak up now or forever hold your.....tongue I think it's fabulous. Just wonderful. Very well written. What can I say? You nailed it. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 14, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 14, 2012 ^^^ Agreed^^^ I love this lyric from you, Stickman. It seems to chip away at that protective glaze we all wear. You've tapped that truth somehow. I don't know how this will play out with publishers and such, but for me as an audience, and I suspect many more than just me, I'm sitting here loving this story unfold. Truthful, much like my latest post in the FIT. Uncomfortable, but comforting in its truth. To reach out and connect with those of us, a lot of us, who can relate to this very real truth. Well done. I'd give ya a hug if you were here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 15, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 15, 2012 Can you run your ears over this before I get production/harmony happy is this working as a song structure/melody now? http://picosong.com/wYmb/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 15, 2012 Members Share Posted April 15, 2012 Stunning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 15, 2012 Members Share Posted April 15, 2012 is this working as a song structure/melody now? Yes. I had just one thought. The melody line on "upon this land I roam," you use two notes on "roam." The same goes for "cursed to be alone." I would try using just one note at the end of those melody lines to see how it sounds (unless you've already tried it). I think it would be stronger, and would make it feel more like an authentic folk song. Maybe that's not what you want. If so, ignore my comment. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 15, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 15, 2012 Yes. I had just one thought. The melody line on "upon this land I roam," you use two notes on "roam." The same goes for "cursed to be alone." I would try using just one note at the end of those melody lines to see how it sounds (unless you've already tried it). I think it would be stronger, and would make it feel more like an authentic folk song. Maybe that's not what you want. If so, ignore my comment.LCK Just tried it with the guitar.... it kinda works but i dont feel that comfortable singing it and i think it will show in the performance I think its because halfway through that last word it changes chord Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted April 15, 2012 Members Share Posted April 15, 2012 Wow things happen quick here. 3 days and we're on page 5. Well i missed it until now, so my comments may be covered or late. (But you can't stop me now ) I like it a lot. back in your posting the lyrics (on page 2?) you offered some suggested alternate phrases. i think I like all the alternates better. But there's something that's bothering me about this song. I mean I like the images. They're great. And the music. But the song wallows in pathos pretty deep. Which is OK. But the listener is not getting any explanation for why the character feels this way. What has happened to make him this sad lonely character? we want to have a pocket to put this story in. There but for the grace of God go I. So we want some clue why this unnatural mood has sat so heavily on this person. Maybe I'm missing something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 15, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 15, 2012 chiills. I have to resist getting all over the top on this. So, yeah. It's there. Really there. I love the blend of your melody against the chord on the oh-o-o parts. Some sus4 chord (?) that rubs it slightly off center and gives that bit of oh-o-o-ing a very resigned, sad, plaintive feel. This is a movie song. Tell your publisher. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 15, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 15, 2012 Wow things happen quick here. 3 days and we're on page 5. Well i missed it until now, so my comments may be covered or late. (But you can't stop me now ) I like it a lot. back in your posting the lyrics (on page 2?) you offered some suggested alternate phrases. i think I like all the alternates better. But there's something that's bothering me about this song. I mean I like the images. They're great. And the music. But the song wallows in pathos pretty deep. Which is OK. But the listener is not getting any explanation for why the character feels this way. What has happened to make him this sad lonely character? we want to have a pocket to put this story in. There but for the grace of God go I. So we want some clue why this unnatural mood has sat so heavily on this person. Maybe I'm missing something. Eeeek you're a little late to the party for a lyrical rewrite..... i guess the song is not super clear but I don't think it would add much to this type of song to fully explain I think the hints are there...... i guess it runs in the family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 15, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 15, 2012 Eeeek you're a little late to the party for a lyrical rewrite..... i guess the song is not super clear but I don't think it would add much to this type of song to fully explainI think the hints are there...... i guess it runs in the family? I think your point, Marshall, is a good one. And Stick's answer is perfect. The hows and whys are important, but in a word or two. Further explanation becomes belabored. This song's form is tight, consise, and fixed with mood. The mood itself is enough of the why, as in, you don't need to tell me why, I can see you're sincere. The mood convinces. The fact that auntie gets her role in reasons why, she alludes to it, is the perfect means. We don't want a list of explanation, we just want to believe. Auntie's presence, and this sad boy's mood have got me convinced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 15, 2012 Members Share Posted April 15, 2012 I think your point, Marshall, is a good one. And Stick's answer is perfect. The hows and whys are important, but in a word or two. Further explanation becomes belabored. This song's form is tight, consise, and fixed with mood. The mood itself is enough of the why, as in, you don't need to tell me why, I can see you're sincere. The mood convinces. The fact that auntie gets her role in reasons why, she alludes to it, is the perfect means. We don't want a list of explanation, we just want to believe. Auntie's presence, and this sad boy's mood have got me convinced. Not to get into production values, or anything, but once the tom is back, none of this will matter. That sort of dirge-like repetition will convey everything that Marshall feels is missing now. (At least I think it will.) LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 15, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 15, 2012 Not to get into production values, or anything, but once the tom is back, none of this will matter. That sort of dirge-like repetition will convey everything that Marshall feels is missing now. (At least I think it will.) LCK At least I "hope" it will Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted April 15, 2012 Members Share Posted April 15, 2012 .....the listener is not getting any explanation for why the character feels this way. What has happened to make him this sad lonely character?I honestly don't want any more information than what I got from the singer. When I listened to this performance I was brought back to all of the times when I slept in a bed to large after eating my portion of a dinner for two.If we can get our listeners to live in our songs without spelling it out then we have accomplished something very special.This song is a Master Class in that exercise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 15, 2012 Members Share Posted April 15, 2012 Great. Wish I wrote it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 15, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 15, 2012 Great. Wish I wrote it. Be careful what you wish for. If you want to write it you have to live it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted April 15, 2012 Members Share Posted April 15, 2012 Yeah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mahuska Posted April 16, 2012 Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 Lovely. I wish I had your talent to make it all fall together. First I was a singer that just pick an instrument at t time. W/O no one around I explored. Hoping to come up with something. I'll keep try and learning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 Ok - I "think" this is finished? (MIX UPDATED) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ze44FYEIVzk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 16, 2012 Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 Really awesome. That tremolo guitar speaks to me... The only thing that gives me pause is using the strings so prominently when they're likely synth strings. They don't sound bad at all... in fact, they sound pretty good. I'd be inclined to bury them in the back a bit more though. The song is amazing... and the mix is really nice... the different guitar parts panned sound f'ing great! I feel like I'm in the room with your band as you play it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 16, 2012 Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 I agree with Bee about the guitar part on the refrain. It's lovely. I'm not a production genius, but I feel like the bass and drums are a smidge too high in the mix. Also, in comparison to the original track (the first one you posted), this one feels a bit over-produced. What if you cut back on the bass until the second verse. Keep the the tremolo guitar, etc. on the refrain, but don't introduce the bass until the 2nd verse. I like the way strings come at the break. I think they're mixed just right. One lyrical note, when sung "walked a sim'lar path" sounds like "walked a simpler" path. Don't get me wrong, I think what you've done is fabulous, but it could be a tiny bit more fabulous. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 I agree with Bee about the guitar part on the refrain. It's lovely.I'm not a production genius, but I feel like the bass and drums are a smidge too high in the mix. Also, in comparison to the original track (the first one you posted), this one feels a bit over-produced. What if you cut back on the bass until the second verse. Keep the the tremolo guitar, etc. on the refrain, but don't introduce the bass until the 2nd verse.I like the way strings come at the break. I think they're mixed just right.One lyrical note, when sung "walked a sim'lar path" sounds like "walked a simpler" path.Don't get me wrong, I think what you've done is fabulous, but it could be a tiny bit more fabulous.LCK Hmm interesting on the production note as its "identical" to the original demo on page one!.... just done to a click this time. I have just turned down the trem guitar and increased vocals slightly.... will update vid in a few mins Will have a listen for that word too Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 One lyrical note, when sung "walked a sim'lar path" sounds like "walked a simpler" path.LCK Just listened carefully and im really not hearing the "P" in the word take the P from simpler and that is how i pronounce "similar" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 16, 2012 Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 Hmm interesting on the production note as its "identical" to the original demo on page one!.... just done to a click this time. You're right! The only differences I can hear are a) the bass and drums are hotter on the new track, and b) the rhythmic feel is slightly different, probably because of using a click track on the new version. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 16, 2012 Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 I just listened again... in my studio. I think the levels all sound good. Really nice... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 I just listened again... in my studio. I think the levels all sound good. Really nice... I think the mix may have been slightly updated since LCK commented on levels Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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