Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 I love this: "i shall live beside her shadowand die inside this wall..."I think I like guide me to the shore rather than carry me. Ditto with written over started.There's probably another way to say both of them, but I think guide is probably the perfect word for that line. I'm not as attached to written over started.LCK Yeh "guide" is a better word.... but i just thought it was soooooooooo overly used.... im not against it...just trying to avoid and "written" is also a better word.... but not entirely correct.... as the song wasnt written long ago... i suppose you could say it was written into family history Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 Yes, I understand about "guide." There are probably a number of alternatives. "Coax me to the shore?" "Welcome me to shore?" "Steer me to the shore?" Guide still works best, I think. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 13, 2012 It's a beauty."to carry me to shore" how about thinking of the light as a life saving magnet:to pull me toward the shore ----"Im lonesome where (maybe when?) I eat this meal for two is wasted on me" I absolutely love where I eat. Because, it says more than just the fact of eating alone, the place you might choose to eat says a lot too. You know that guy in the diner, not reading, staring into his eggs, alone. So the "where" created a picture in my mind. Anytime you can inspire someone to elaborate with their imagination, that's a powerful thing. "Where". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 It's a beauty."to carry me to shore" how about thinking of the light as a life saving magnet:to pull me toward the shore----"Im lonesome where (maybe when?) I eatthis meal for two is wasted on me"I absolutely love where I eat. Because, it says more than just the fact of eating alone, the place you might choose to eat says a lot too. You know that guy in the diner, not reading, staring into his eggs, alone. So the "where" created a picture in my mind. Anytime you can inspire someone to elaborate with their imagination, that's a powerful thing. "Where". I like the idea behind it but its one syllabal too long "to pull me in to shore" would fit but does a lighthouse do that? i know that "guide" is the correct word.... and i guess i will go with it if we can't come up with something else Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 13, 2012 I love the distant light of salvation from loneliness in this: The curse it has been lifted the blessing is a gift that only the lonely know BUT no matter how i try i can't ignore this lullaby that was started long ago (maybe "written" instead of "started" but i dunno.... it was "written" now but the tale "started" long ago) I think it was written long ago. It wasn't written now, because, just like a movie, there is no movie, you're suspending disbelief and saying to yourself, this is real. An in this song, your listeners aren't hearing a song, they're lost in the reality of it. Go with that. It was written long ago. You just living it, not writing about it, to the listener. I might suggest putting a BUT in this line to add just a little bit of clarity to the qualification you're making. "All is well BUT... I still hear that tune. I could still fall again. It never really goes away". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 I love the distant light of salvation from loneliness in this:The curse it has been liftedthe blessing is a giftthat only the lonely knowBUT no matter how i tryi can't ignore this lullabythat was started long ago (maybe "written" instead of "started" but i dunno.... it was "written" now but the tale "started" long ago)I think it was written long ago. It wasn't written now, because, just like a movie, there is no movie, you're suspending disbelief and saying to yourself, this is real. An in this song, your listeners aren't hearing a song, they're lost in the reality of it. Go with that. It was written long ago. You just living it, not writing about it, to the listener.I might suggest putting a BUT in this line to add just a little bit of clarity to the qualification you're making. "All is well BUT... I still hear that tune. I could still fall again. It never really goes away". good catch - will add that - thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 13, 2012 I like the idea behind it but its one syllabal too long"to pull me in to shore" would fit but does a lighthouse do that?i know that "guide" is the correct word.... and i guess i will go with it if we can't come up with something else That's your call if a lighthouse does that or not. I think it suggests him needing some sort of coaxing. So seeing a light through the fog, you can ignore it and drown as some do. They're that gone. Or, it can catch your attention and you say to yourself... Damn it, enough! I'm going in. But it's great anyway you go. as far as teh syllable count, I heard like this: to(1) car(2)-ry(3) me(4) to(5) shore(6)" to(1) pull(2) me(3) t'ward(4) the(5) shore(6) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 That's your call if a lighthouse does that or not. I think it suggests him needing some sort of coaxing. So seeing a light through the fog, you can ignore it and drown as some do. They're that gone. Or, it can catch your attention and you say to yourself... Damn it, enough! I'm going in. But it's great anyway you go. as far as teh syllable count, I heard like this:to(1) car(2)-ry(3) me(4) to(5) shore(6)"to(1) pull(2) me(3) t'ward(4) the(5) shore(6) ahhh t'ward makes sense.... will have a think on that - i do like the line .... i did want to steer clear of guide. thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 i want to steer clear of guide. Perhaps then I could steer you toward steer, as in "steer me to the shore?" LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 Perhaps then I could steer you toward steer, as in "steer me to the shore?"LCK I think that might just nail it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ontological Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 The curse it has been lifted the blessing is a gift that only the lonely know no matter how i try i can't ignore this lullaby that was started long ago (maybe "written" instead of "started" but i dunno.... it was "written" now but the tale "started" long ago) When you say "the curse it has been lifted" it seemed to suggest a sense of permanency. I was expecting your tune to change from one of hopelessness to hopefulness but it remained a tragedy. So maybe you could make that line a little less definitive and simply say: This curse it might be lifted Other than that, really, really good work! I always prefer your songs when you "sing" them as opposed to "speaking" them if you catch my meaning? Looking forward to the final version. Free download possibly? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 When you say "the curse it has been lifted" it seemed to suggest a sense of permanency. I was expecting your tune to change from one of hopelessness to hopefulness but it remained a tragedy. So maybe you could make that line a little less definitive and simply say: This curse it might be lifted Other than that, really, really good work! I always prefer your songs when you "sing" them as opposed to "speaking" them if you catch my meaning? Looking forward to the final version. Free download possibly? hmm interesting... the idea was ...as the song develops.... the person realises that it isnt such a bad thing to be alone.... not completely bad at least. you just have to choose your path and realise that the curse isnt actually a curse and could well be a blessing... referring back to the longer life You may be right though others thoughts on this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 13, 2012 hmm interesting... the idea was ...as the song develops.... the person realizes that it isnt such a bad thing to be alone.... not completely bad at least.you just have to choose your path and realise that the curse isnt actually a curse and could well be a blessing... referring back to the longer lifeYou may be right thoughothers thoughts on this? I agree with him. It is a little cloudy. To say, "the curse has been lifted" is to suggest you're out of it. Done, all better now. That's the past. In simple terms that means you're not alone. I guess you're saying I may be alone now abut I'm not lonely. But that nuance gets lost as our minds default to "Oh... I guess he's not alone anymore" BTW, this did occur to me earlier but felt I shouldn't pick, I wasn't confident I was right. But, I'm glad Ontological did because I had those thoughts as well and this suggests there's something to it. The curse I know has shifted nowI see it as a giftthat only the lonely knowBut no matter how i tryi can't ignore this lullabythat was written long ago Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 The curse has now been lifted? LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 I agree with him. It is a little cloudy. To say, "the curse has been lifted" is to suggest you're out of it. Done, all better now. That's the past. In simple terms that means you're not alone. I guess you're saying I may be alone now abut I'm not lonely. But that nuance gets lost as our minds default to "Oh... I guess he's not alone anymore"BTW, this did occur to me earlier but felt I shouldn't pick, I wasn't confident I was right. But, I'm glad Ontological did because I had those thoughts as well and this suggests there's something to it.The curse I know has shifted nowI see it as a giftthat only the lonely knowBut no matter how i tryi can't ignore this lullabythat was written long ago Perfect - im gonna do a direct lift on that .... you cheque is in the post thanks both of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 The curse has now been lifted?LCK Ohh and then comes a musical spanner I suppose that adheres to my original AND hopefully sorts the confusion taken Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 Im to and fro-ing here i did quite like the "more of a blessing than a curse" analogy in the original write hmmmmm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 13, 2012 Im to and fro-ing herei did quite like the "more of a blessing than a curse" analogy in the original writehmmmmm For what it's worth, though the direct message of the middle 8 was a tad unclear to me, its feel and sound really spoke. For me, it doesn't quite add up, and for me, it doesn't quite all that much matter. It's great as is and makes me feel something. But if your goal is to have a direct sense or logic to that portion of the lyric, for me... it's not quite adding up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 The curse it seems has lessenednow i see it as a blessingthat only the lonely know does that work? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ontological Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 The curse it seems has lessenednow i see it as a blessingthat only the lonely knowdoes that work? That works better. Makes more sense. I hope it sings well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 13, 2012 sure does!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 Thanks guys - will get on with the recording soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 I'm struggling a little with curse it seems.... there is a lot of "S's" in there does this make sense to you? the curse is now repressingi can see it as a blessingthat only the lonely know i reckon i could pull of the S's version.... just gotta be careful with delivery Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 Ok I think i got it! the curse is now REGRESSINGi can see it as a blessingthat only the lonely know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 she walked a similar pathupon these crooked pavementswhere street lights seem to laughThat caught my attention.......Perhaps since you are using a singular 'path', you might consider....'upon this crooked pavement'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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