Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 she walked a similar path upon these crooked pavements where street lights seem to laugh That caught my attention....... Perhaps since you are using a singular 'path', you might consider....'upon this crooked pavement'. cool yeh - i think i sung it as that on the first demo.... will make sure i keep it that - thanks for picking up...would have missed it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 13, 2012 Do you sleep Mr. Stick? 2am isn't late but I've noticed you here at 2 and then 4 and beyond. You creative types. Sleep is for underachievers. Achieve on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 Do you sleep Mr. Stick? 2am isn't late but I've noticed you here at 2 and then 4 and beyond. You creative types. Sleep is for underachievers. Achieve on! ermmm you have to bare in mind i live in the uk Its 10.30 pm did you glance over the rewording of the bridge..... sings well.... is it sitting well lyrically Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 13, 2012 I had my timetranslatographer way off calibration. Sorry. You can stay up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 13, 2012 I don't like regressing. lessened is the one for me. It sounds like you, and the way I think you might speak. It feels true. Regressing feels studied and thought over and mitigated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 I don't like regressing. lessened is the one for me. It sounds like you, and the way I think you might speak. It feels true. Regressing feels studied and thought over and mitigated. I agree. Regressing is overly artful, lessened is direct and true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 hmmm interesting - ok im gonna have to see if i can slightly reword to get rid of all the S's i think the word "seems" is causing the problem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 If this works the curse is now REGRESSING Why not this the curse has now lessened Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 If this worksWhy not this option 1 - 7 syllabals option 2 - 6 needs 7 to flow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 The curse it has been lessened now i see it as a blessingthat only the lonely know that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 13, 2012 the curse is somehow lessenedi can see it as a blessingthat only the lonely know I like the false rhyme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 the curse is somehow lessenedi can see it as a blessingthat only the lonely know I like the false rhyme yeh that works i will write it down and try that as well as my final version...see which sings best! thanks! dont think ive ever spent this long with lyrics ha!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 The curse is now lessening? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 Time zones - tell me about them - it's 7.30 Saturday morning over this way, and you guys have finished the song while I slept.I really like it. One line that I would sing differently is 'And old great aunty Lily' because she's your great aunt. Calling her a 'great old aunty' rolls off the tongue well, but it sort of means something else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 Time zones - tell me about them - it's 7.30 Saturday morning over this way, and you guys have finished the song while I slept.I really like it.One line that I would sing differently is 'And old great aunty Lily' because she's your great aunt. Calling her a 'great old aunty' rolls off the tongue well, but it sort of means something else. Thats an interesting one - and you are quite correct BUT it really doesnt sing well the other way.... so i either accept as is or work something else out around it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 Ok final lyric sheet - speak up now or forever hold your.....tongue Wasted on me. No shadow here to followupon this land i roamI know that in the endI am cursed to be aloneAnd yet great auntie lilyshe walked a similar pathupon this crooked pavementwhere street lights seem to laugh Im lonesome where I sleepThis double bed is wasted on me No lighthouse in the harbour to steer me to the shoreno safety net beneath meto catch me should i fallbut my great auntie lilywell she outlived them alli shall live beside her shadowand die inside this wall Im lonesome where I eatthis meal for two is wasted on me The curse is somehow lessenednow i see it as a blessingthat only the lonely knowno matter how i tryi can't ignore this lullabythat was written long ago Don't give your hand to keepthis thing called love is wasted on me As sure as ebbing seathis thing called love is wasted on me this thing called love is wasted on me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 I think this could be improved : Im lonesome where I eatthis meal for two is wasted on me I suggest : Im lonesome at my tablethis meal for two is wasted on me In this way the eating is inferred rather than stated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 I think this could be improved :Im lonesome where I eatthis meal for two is wasted on meI suggest :Im lonesome at my tablethis meal for two is wasted on meIn this way the eating is inferred rather than stated. hmmm have you listened to the vid? table will not sing and there is something pleasing about the EE in eat...that goes with "me" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 I "suppose" lonesome in this seatthis meal for two is wasted on me could work? It wasnt bothering me before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 hmmm have you listened to the vid?table will not singand there is something pleasing about the EE in eat...that goes with "me" OK - I didn't double check. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 OK - I didn't double check. sorry if that came across as blunt! I was just typing and not wording. I do see your point but an alt would have to take into consideration word length and preferably something in common with the word "me" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 I "suppose"lonesome in this seatthis meal for two is wasted on mecould work?It wasnt bothering me before. I can't think of anything better.Stay with 'eat' if you feel OK with it. It's not bad - I was just pursuing something better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 sorry if that came across as blunt!I was just typing and not wording.I do see your point but an alt would have to take into consideration word length and preferably something in common with the word "me" No problem - you didn't come across as blunt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 13, 2012 Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 I don't think it is better, but I just thought I'd toss it out there 'cause I thought it was interesting: I may not go hungryBut this meal for two is wasted on me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2012 I don't think it is better, but I just thought I'd toss it out there 'cause I thought it was interesting: Yeh once again its the length.... i really need one syllable on that last word of the first line I think im going to leave it... unless someone does come up with something still fitting with that part rhyme and syllable count Ive racked my brains and come up with nothing better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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