Members cdawg Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 so, i've been MIA for a week, in the hospital. my dad came to visit me early last week to find me preparing my bills and house info for my family to take care of, after my suicide. he promptly took me to the ER. good move, dad. i'm bi-polar. have been for years. i am depressed with anxiety and major social anxiety. i've been unemployed for well over a year. i couldn't attend the drum jam this year because of this. i couldn't even go on vacation with my family this year. {censored}, i usually can't go shopping until i'm totally out of food. and i mean, NO food. i'm doing better now, though. more meds, better support and outpatient group therapy starting. every day's a struggle, though. for those who can't identify, it's like any other disease or injury. you go to the hospital to get "fixed," then you need therapy to get back to "normal" again. but you always have to stay on top of it. like diabetes. i guess i've opened this thread for support, and to answer any questions, or to talk about these things. i'm NOT embarrassed. it's just a part of who i am. i have a lot of good friends here, i just want to express to you guys how important you all are to me, and i want to thank you for being a positive influence on me. when i was in the hospital, i thought of you a lot and couldn't wait to pound the skins again and come here and talk shop again. i'm glad i'm alive. i love you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Big Daddy Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 Chris, you know we are ALL here for you! I'll be thinking of you and saying a prayer that you continue to win this battle. Don't hesitate to reach out to any of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members FitchFY Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 Much love to you, bro. Every day is a bit brighter than the day before; you've got friends from all over the country here who you haven't even met! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cdawg Posted October 4, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 thank you! and you're both right! the main thing i learned in the group sessions was i could take something from everyone's experiences. i was sure to thank all of the staff AND all of the patients, for they all had things to teach me. one patient said, "counter negative thoughts with positive truths." that was pretty inspiring to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TheGirlfriend Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 Don't hesitate to reach out to any of us. truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cdawg Posted October 4, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 ty, tgf!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fusionfunk Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 Prayers and good wish's coming your way. If you need to rap, just PM me. I have a dear friend with very similar circumstances to yours, so I know what he went/does go through. Do what makes you happy Bro, and don't dwell on anything negative. It will get better!There is no community of brotherhood better than the drumming community. We're all here for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 1001gear Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 nomber wan. HANG OUT WIFF PEEPUH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members FitchFY Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 nomber wan. HANG OUT WIFF PEEPUH How true, how true - keep the social calendar full of good people. OOH, and try to listen to as much Tower of Power and Sly and the Family Stone as you can. That stuff just makes you GROOVE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cearleywine Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 *hugs. Hang in there friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members johnrobbsmusic Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 Prayers 'n such coming from Kansas for ya, hang in there man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cdawg Posted October 4, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 i was psyched when i woke today. was feeling down last night, but i couldn't wait to browse this forum and do good things today. i'm gonna write everyday and get out once a day. i have never checked my local library, it was built about three years ago and is supposed to be pretty bitchin'. fitchy, i was just listenin' to sly!! funny, i got to the point where i couldn't even listen to music. it was too much stimulus. it made me too anxious. how {censored}ed-up is that?? i couldn't even watch tv. i would overdose on my meds or smoke weed so i could sleep as much as possible; i would sleep as much as 20 hours a day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members manoeuver Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 Chris, best wishes to you- I'm so glad your dad happened by when he did. I had a rough summer, fought anxiety and depression and got some help with it. Take some time and read the posts here: jamesaltucher.com I got a hell of a lot of useful info and techniques from him. He's not some self-help guru either, he's an entrepreneur who had to deal with multiple failures and the crushing stress that went along with it. call me whenever if you need anything. tim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cdawg Posted October 4, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 wow, great site tim!! i love it! i like someone who's positive and down-to-earth, not dripping with honey. that's not me. i'm a sarcastic s.o.b. and that's not gonna change. i WILL rely on you guys when i'm not doing well, for sure. at least this store never closes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Over the Hill Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 cdawg, I am a lurker here. I have been for a couple of years. I just don't communicate well so I read. To the point. Last Saturday night as my wife and Iprepared for an"evening " together--no kids, house to ourselves... I received a call from the xxx county medical examiners office explaining that my brother was found in a motel room aproximately a week after he had committed suicide. I am completely devastated. If I had only realised how bad it was. if I had only done something different. I don't think I will ever understand all of the reasons and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I had to tell my mother that her youngest son was gone forever. The fact is he was loved and needed much more deeply that he ever realised. There are people there for you. There is always some help no matter how bad it seems. Take that one step only one and reach out. I don't have a lot of wisdom to provide, just a desperate plea to always give yourself a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cdawg Posted October 4, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 wow, OTH, i'm so sorry, from my heart, completely. i can tell you that he probably didn't do it because he didn't love you guys. when you're that sick, and that's EXACTLY what it is (a sickness,) you just can't think straight. i sincerely felt like a terminal cancer patient: it was about quality of life. do i keep living my life like this or do i do the "sensible" thing and end it? my mom died four years ago of cancer, and i cared for her. she slipped away in front of me, gagging on dark green phlegm, coughing it up. as i cried, i cleaned it out of her mouth. i was terrified i did something wrong. i think about this almost daily, even now. i never got grief counseling, but i am now. i waited way too long, and more external triggers piled up. i've had 4 mental breakdowns since then. point is, never blame yourself, please. things happen that are totally out of your control. would you know how to fix your brother's heart if he had heart failure? same thing. the best thing you can do is go to group counseling. my aunt suggested it after it helped her, and i know how it helps me. you need to hear how it benefits people who are going through the same {censored} you're going through. the fact that you posted something so personal means the world to me, truly. if you have seen me around here, you know i'm an ass, but i truly care. thank you. peace and much love to you and your family. i wish i could do more for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members melvinspeed Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 Yo Chris, Hang tough man. Call any one of us before you get that down again. Your dad did you and your boy a favor. Repay that favor by being as healthy as you can; taking care of your family and you. tyler Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members zildjian@consol Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 cdawg completely understand.I have battled with major depression before,I have add or adhd .Sometimes I just think I,m mental,you know.Anybody who knows me personally,knows there's something different about me,the wires are connected but are sparking up there in my head.Sounds like your on the upswing and thats a good thing.I know that it's hard to get out of your head when depression hits,but your talking about it and that will help.Best to ya man. Mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cdawg Posted October 4, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 ty, mark thank you. you're both right. i will take you up on a call, tyler. just for the hell of it-- haven't talked to ya in a looong time!! mark, takes one to know one, ya?? you're right, it does help talking about it. and i appreciate hearing from you. especially when i know you've been down that road. i was pretty confused today, but made it out to the library and to my dads. also did laundry and ate 3 squares. that's typically more than i'd do in a week!! i just have to get into the habit of writing. i'm more verbally capable than i am now, so i need to work on that. think it's my new meds, too. anyone ever see what a brain of a person with mental illness looks like? there are "spots" of damage all over it. pretty amazing stuff. i remember seeing pix of a few in my psych books in college. supposedly, it happens when traumatic events spring up. someone correct me if i'm wrong. it's been a while. and that was many spots ago! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members irnbru83 Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 glad you're on track. best of luck to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BeakerArk Posted October 4, 2011 Members Share Posted October 4, 2011 Here for ya, Chris. Never hesitate to reach out if'n ya need an ear to listen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cdawg Posted October 5, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 5, 2011 beak & bru, thank you kindly! i promise to keep in touch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mraia3 Posted October 5, 2011 Members Share Posted October 5, 2011 Cdawg, Lots of good vibes being sent your way, brother. I wish I had some good words of wisdom for you, but theres nothing I can say that the good people here havent said already, and better. All I can say is that your the real deal, a good man, and someone who has lots to live for. I know things get heavy, but do what you gotta do to rise above. If that means taking meds, getting away from weed, whatever, do what you must to get by. We're all pulling hard for you, man, and we're always around. Stay strong, stay healthy, and be well. We all love you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cdawg Posted October 5, 2011 Author Members Share Posted October 5, 2011 you said it perfectly, and i appreciate it! p.s. all weed stuffs, chucked. i'm in it for the long haul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JakeTheSnake Posted October 5, 2011 Members Share Posted October 5, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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