Members BillESC Posted September 18, 2012 Members Share Posted September 18, 2012 I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?" One of them chirped, saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?" .......that's pretty much the last thing I remember.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stangconv Posted September 18, 2012 Members Share Posted September 18, 2012 Lmao!!! Love that one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dookietwo Posted September 18, 2012 Members Share Posted September 18, 2012 Pasted to facebook...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Art Flood Posted September 18, 2012 Members Share Posted September 18, 2012 Made me laugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members scharris_99 Posted September 19, 2012 Members Share Posted September 19, 2012 Now that right there is funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bugzie Posted September 19, 2012 Members Share Posted September 19, 2012 Thanks for the laugh.....but I really love a woman with a Welsh accent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members gonzobassman Posted September 19, 2012 Members Share Posted September 19, 2012 Thats great,man!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rezrover Posted September 19, 2012 Members Share Posted September 19, 2012 There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" He asked. "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CMS Author Craig Vecchione Posted September 19, 2012 CMS Author Share Posted September 19, 2012 I'm taking this one to Happy Hour tonight!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CMS Author Craig Vecchione Posted September 19, 2012 CMS Author Share Posted September 19, 2012 Thanks for the laugh.....but I really love a woman with a Welsh accent. Google "Lorna Morgan" . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rezrover Posted September 19, 2012 Members Share Posted September 19, 2012 A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how to do it."---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman from a small southern town goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The newspaper editor informs her the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, just let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'" Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am but there's a seven-word minimum on all obituaries." A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, "In that case, let it read: 'Billy Bob died - red truck for sale.'"---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The babysitter was struggling to get the little boy's boots on when he exclaimed, "Wrong feet!" She managed to keep her cool as together they struggled to take the boots off and then put them back on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dogoth Posted September 19, 2012 Members Share Posted September 19, 2012 OMG here we go! Did you hear about the guy who had his whole left side cut off? He was alright. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rezrover Posted September 19, 2012 Members Share Posted September 19, 2012 A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BillESC Posted September 20, 2012 Author Members Share Posted September 20, 2012 You asked for it... A farmer walks into his kitchen where his wife is fixin' dinner. He has a sheep under his right are and says, 'This here's the pig I been screwing." The wife looks then laughs saying, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep." The farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members srp72ee Posted September 20, 2012 Members Share Posted September 20, 2012 A young man walks into to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. The pharmacist comes up to him and asks if he has any questions. He tells the pharmacist that he's been dating this girl for a couple of weeks and he thinks that tonight is the night that "it's going to happen". The pharmacist explains all of the styles and types of condoms that they have. The young man decides on the 36 pack so he would have plenty for the next week or two... That night the young man arrive at his girlfriends' house for dinner. The girls' father welcomes him and invites him to sit down at the dinning room table. As the girls' mother brings the food to the table, his girlfriend asks him if he would like to say the prayer before the meal. He folds his hands and bows his head... several minutes go by with absolute silence. The girlfriend leans over to him and says "I didn't realize you were so religious". He leans over to his girlfriend and says "I didn't realize your mom was a pharmacist"! (actually my wife is a pharmacist) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members gonzobassman Posted September 20, 2012 Members Share Posted September 20, 2012 An old couple in their mid seventies were watching a gorgeous sunset on their back porch.They had pretty much lived their lives,and were very happy.They had sucessful children scattered throuout the U.S.A.,and many wonderful grandchildren,and they knew that their life had been rich,and full.Suddenly Helga says to her loving husband,"You know what,Thurman?" "What Helga,love of my life" came Thurmans loving response. WHAM!!! Helda thumped Therman in the back of his head so hard it knocked him out of his chair! He shakenly picks up his glasses,and puts them back on as he reseats himself,and asks "What the hell was THAT for,dear?" She sternly,and utterly digustedly replies "Fiftey plus years of horrible SEX!!!" "Oh,well,OK then sweetie pie"says Thurman.About five minutes later or so WHAM!!!! Thurman back-handed Helga so hard that she did a backward summersault out of her rocking chair! She gathers herself up,puts her dentures back in,gets her apron,and dress back down,sets her rocking chair back up,sits down,and asks "What the hell was that for,Thurman?!!!" He quietly replies "Knowing the difference,Helga!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members The Real MC Posted September 20, 2012 Members Share Posted September 20, 2012 A little boy knocked on the door of the farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could go get a bucket of butter from the buttercups growing in the field. The farmer said "Butter doesn't come from buttercups, but go ahead and try". The boy returned from the field with a bucket of butter, and much scratching of chin followed. The same boy stopped by some weeks later and asked if he could get a pail of milk from the milkweed in his field. The farmer permitted him, and was baffled when the boy returned with a pail full of milk. Weeks later the boy returned when he noticed the {censored} willows in his field. This time the farmer said "I am going with you" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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