Members guitardude24 Posted December 9, 2005 Members Share Posted December 9, 2005 So, i just woke up with these lyrics embedded in my brain...about a girl... Please let me know what you guys think, and what things would benefit from a alteration or slight change... Thanks a bunch! I'm a newby song writter, this is really my first full song lyrics... Just FriendsErik Hopwood I haven Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted December 9, 2005 Members Share Posted December 9, 2005 That's a whole lot better than my first set of lyrics. It doesn't really say anything new or interesting, but a really great melody could make this a good song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Cosmic Closet Posted December 10, 2005 Members Share Posted December 10, 2005 Hi Erik, Nice work there. A few of my ideas: Great verse one, very honest, probably the real meassage of the whole song, and the chorus needs to kick right there afterwards, to keep the masses listening. Good follow up on lines, but you need to work in a two-line break somewhere, either vocally or instrumentally, to keep the ears happy. I'd also suggest the (inevitable) change of key for your last chorus to hold the drama to the end. I am hearing mid-tempo, Hammond B-3, good guitars, and some passionate (not too pretty) vox on this. I enjoyed reading this, Best, CC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members guitardude24 Posted December 10, 2005 Author Members Share Posted December 10, 2005 Hey, thanks alot you guys! I'm definately digging your ideas Cosmic, i'll try messing around with it and see how it all turns out! Thanks for the advise! Might be a little while til i actually get anything recorded...but what else is a broken hearted 17 year old to do, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members guitardude24 Posted December 11, 2005 Author Members Share Posted December 11, 2005 Okay, i revised the lyrics and wrote all the chord changes tonight...here are the changed lyrics, including an all new chorus! Mel-ancholyErik Hopwood Intro VerseI haven Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted December 19, 2005 Moderators Share Posted December 19, 2005 I like the sincerity of the lyric. It's simple in a very honest way. I think you need a way of summing up the whole emotion in your chorus a little better. What's the name of the song? Oh, sitting here I can Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Philbert Posted December 20, 2005 Members Share Posted December 20, 2005 next {censored}in' hotel california Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members happycannibal Posted December 20, 2005 Members Share Posted December 20, 2005 Solid, tell it straight up lyrics. I think that works for certian types of music. Really good for your first lyrics. As far as critique goes, I have a couple, but it is different because its your first song lyrics. Everyone's first anything is going to be basic and not up to their potential. Like think back to your first guitar riff. Heres my critique: the lyrics could use more literary stylings, as stand alone lyrics I find them bland and predictable. One basic rule of poetry is: show dont tell. Now, I know great songs have 'told' but I am just reciting a rule I have read. I would like to see imagery, maybe an expierence that exemplifies your feelings that people can relate to and extrapolate the feelings from. An example that I like to give is the Eels song, Flower, the Chorus lyric goes: "Flower in a hail storm." Perfect, familiar (concrete) images to convey emotional (astract) feelings. Think of images and what they do. Images can be characters, not just similes. Expand on your feelings, it seems like they kind of lingre on the superficial 'you're amazing' stage. Answer the question: why? What is amazing? Dig deep into your pain, it sounds like this is somthing that troubles you, but instead of focusing on you, you focus on her. There is seperation and love, a classic mix for great tunes (albiet somewhat cliche IMHO). Tone of words. I believe this to be a bit extreme and a tool reserved for those who are really looking to make their lyrics shine. If youre angry, your verbs and images should reflect that (like instead of 'broke my heart,' 'she put a time bomb in my heart') If your tone is sorrow, use lamentful toned words that drip solitude and despair (think of images like being stranded, or helpless). Phrases can have many meanings, the words can say a literal meaning, then the tone can be completely distinct. I hope this helped!! Agian, the lyrics are great for your first tune, these are just suggestions I have picked up along the way that have helped me out a lot (my girlfriend is a literature major). blake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dr. Tweedbucket Posted December 31, 2005 Members Share Posted December 31, 2005 Originally posted by guitardude24 Okay, i revised the lyrics and wrote all the chord changes tonight...here are the changed lyrics, including an all new chorus! Mel-ancholyErik Hopwood Intro VerseI haven Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members digitalsnipe Posted January 3, 2006 Members Share Posted January 3, 2006 Originally posted by Dr. Tweedbucket ..... but needs more smilies and a few exploding bombs towards the end That's already been taken If I'm not mistaken When the colored sky On a night gone awry Showed the British we couldn't be shaken The words that you're feeling That sent your heart reeling If only they could See where you stood Would they rejoice or help with your heeling Roses are red... Fuggit, I bow to the poets. You know, Doc, I truly believe I see something sincere in your lyrics. I thought I was the only basket case around here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members aliensporebomb Posted January 3, 2006 Members Share Posted January 3, 2006 The one line that bugs me is the "you're beautiful". Is the protagonist going to stop loving herwhen she ages and gets wrinkly? If it's a love for the ages, then that's goingto need to change! Maybe "you're incredible" or some other accolade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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