Members Swingfinger Posted October 11, 2008 Members Share Posted October 11, 2008 I am tired of over thinking and over analyzing all of the lyrics I write. I wrote this song in about 40 minutes without revisions to any lyrics. While most of the lines seems cliche, it seems like the most honest song I have written, and it feels good to get something done. Forgive my singing [YOUTUBE]IEv_IW8sXbk[/YOUTUBE] If I was a sailor bound to sail the ocean blue would you come with me on my little boat for two If I was an explorer crossing the desert wide would ya be my water would you help me survive If I was a rain cloud would ya be my ray of light would you break through the darkness and fill up my nights If I was a secret told in confidence would ya whisper me around or keep them in suspense If I was an artist that couldn't paint at all would ya still stick with me would you hang me on your wall If I was a stranger would we still embrace a smile on the corner the lines on your face If I was a goodbye a part forever more would you let me go freely or stand in front of the door Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted October 11, 2008 Members Share Posted October 11, 2008 Man that was beautiful...if you had over thought the lyrics then we would miss out on some Dylanequse lines...some really nice lyrics...great job!!..the only crit would be the melody...gotta change it up some...maybe after 2nd verse take it an octave higher or a melodic guitar part diff than what we hear over and over... Were the lyrics taped to the camera?...thought you were staring at me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Swingfinger Posted October 11, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 11, 2008 Man that was beautiful...if you had over thought the lyrics then we would miss out on some Dylanequse lines...some really nice lyrics...great job!!..the only crit would be the melody...gotta change it up some...maybe after 2nd verse take it an octave higher or a melodic guitar part diff than what we hear over and over... Were the lyrics taped to the camera?...thought you were staring at me... The lyrics were opened on notepad on the computer I figured that the melody was too repetitive and also that the lyrics probably weren't enough to hold someone's attention. I was messing around with falsetto and different octaves but I just recorded it simple for that. Maybe if I could play harmonica well I could add a nice fill, Thanks for listening Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 11, 2008 Members Share Posted October 11, 2008 Man that was beautiful...if you had over thought the lyrics then we would miss out on some Dylanequse lines...some really nice lyrics...great job!!..the only crit would be the melody...gotta change it up some... +1. Nice verse, could use a chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 12, 2008 Members Share Posted October 12, 2008 Nicely done, I think, Swing! I think a lot of us songwriters have a secret love/hate relationship with what I used to call "catalog" songs when I was a kid just starting to analyze folk's songs: a series of parallel constructed metaphor/similes. ("If I Was a Hammer" used to drive me crazy, back then, but I somehow learned to love its clumsiness -- maybe because it just seemed so plainspoken and earnest.) Anyhow, I think the last verse/punchline turns the whole thing nicely and helps it rise above the simple construction. And the delivery was pretty much perfect. (I could have stood to see the guitar -- it was a little eery seeing just your face floating in the screen -- but the fifteen year old girls might just make this a YouTube hit. ) Very nice job, I think! PS... For me, I didn't have a problem with the lack of ornamentation or change-up. But I don't think I'd throw any more verses in... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Swingfinger Posted October 12, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 12, 2008 Nicely done, I think, Swing ! I think a lot of us songwriters have a secret love/hate relationship with what I used to call "catalog" songs when I was a kid just starting to analyze folk's songs: a series of parallel constructed metaphor/similes. ("If I Was a Hammer" used to drive me crazy, back then, but I somehow learned to love its clumsiness -- maybe because it just seemed so plainspoken and earnest.) Anyhow, I think the last verse/punchline turns the whole thing nicely and helps it rise above the simple construction. And the delivery was pretty much perfect. (I could have stood to see the guitar -- it was a little eery seeing just your face floating in the screen -- but the fifteen year old girls might just make this a YouTube hit. ) Very nice job, I think ! PS... For me, I didn't have a problem with the lack of ornamentation or change-up. But I don't think I'd throw any more verses in... thx blue, I figured the guitar riff would have been just as repetitive as watching my face but maybe I could have made funny faces to spice things up Anyways, I'm not worried about the average youtuber. Sometimes I get people that say I'm ok and sometimes I get comments from people that say I "sound like a fag" P.S The quality isn't very good. I really want to use my SM57 mic for recording but I have to use the built in webcam mic. When I use the SM57 in combo with the cam I get this strange clicking sound that gets progressively worse the longer the video is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 12, 2008 Members Share Posted October 12, 2008 Sometimes I get people that say I'm ok and sometimes I get comments from people that say I "sound like a fag" And they probably sound like the Cookie Monster on a bad day. I haven't been able to get a good web cam thing going, ever. Everything's usually out of sync, sounds like crap, and the pic's bad, too. Instead, I use my digi-snapshot cam, which, like a lot of newer cameras, has a decent video mode. If I put a 2GB SD card in it I can get 15 minutes or so on it of "DV" quality, 640x480, 30 FPS (picked up a 4GB for $18 recently). The sound from the built in mic is semi-usable if you're willing to put a little EQ on it but I simultaneously record audio into my computer usually; I use a consumer level version of Sony's Vegas Video for vid editing -- it's got 4 vid channels and 4 stereo audio channels and works very similarly to a modern DAW like Sonar, Cubase, or ACID, except it edits/mixes/FXs video as well as audio -- a brilliant 'little' program. (I got my top-consumer tier version of it, Vegas Movie Studio Platinum, for $60 or so after a $30 rebate; there's a lesser tier with fewer DVD burning options for less. The "Pro" version is a semi-hefty $500-600 or so... but presumably offers lots more tracks and other features, I guess. Me, I haven't run out of video tracks, yet. And since I'm usually either putting a video track to a completed music bed or doing the YouTube folk thing, the 4 stereo audio tracks are sufficient for me, too.) Since the cam lines up the internal audio and video quite well, it's easy to match the externally recorded audio with the 'scratch' internal track and then mute that. Now if I could just do something about A) my looks B) my minimal ability to get through a whole song without major fugupps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Swingfinger Posted October 12, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 12, 2008 If I could get decent video quality and two mics set up, one for vocals, one for guitar I would be set. I really wish I could add reverb to the vocals to smooth over the rough patches. Do you know of any free programs that would be of tolerable quality? I could torrent this program you speak of but I have been trying not to do that lately. I usually do two or three takes and just use the one I mess up the least. It is hard when you grit your teeth over the smallest imperfections every time you watch the video. You might notice that most of my videos have a video effect or "mask" if you will. I think it is always hard to put ourselves in a vulnerable situation but a youtube video sure is a hell of a lot easier than a stage with a crowd of people watching. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 12, 2008 Members Share Posted October 12, 2008 Oh, I totally hear you on that. OTOH... for those of us who are no longer young and pretty ( ), looking at our vids can be a comeuppance... If I was you, I wouldn't worry to much. Particularly about the tech quality of the video... I honestly think a lot of YT afficianadi respond better to unslick, guy-or-gal-next-door type videos. Especially when the guy or gal is young and pretty and kinda sensitive looking/sounding. I've seen a lot of huge view counts racked up on some pretty down-home vids... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ProgRock11 Posted October 13, 2008 Members Share Posted October 13, 2008 I really like this. It has a Sufjan Stevens vibe that I really like. And the last verse really sells it. I don't care so much about the lack of melodic changes, however I would be conscious of overall time with this sort of song. Just meaning that because you stick to one melody, you don't want to overuse it and cause the listener to tune out. Not that I feel you've done that here...it's just something to think about. The lyrics are done pretty well. They do well in evoking emotion. Only a few clich Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Swingfinger Posted October 13, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 13, 2008 I really like this. It has a Sufjan Stevens vibe that I really like. And the last verse really sells it. I don't care so much about the lack of melodic changes, however I would be conscious of overall time with this sort of song. Just meaning that because you stick to one melody, you don't want to overuse it and cause the listener to tune out. Not that I feel you've done that here...it's just something to think about. The lyrics are done pretty well. They do well in evoking emotion. Only a few clich Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members myredshoes Posted October 13, 2008 Members Share Posted October 13, 2008 The straightforward lyric is very apppealing to me today. Just because the lyric is simple doesn't mean you can't overanalyze and overthink it. Whatever is written it's better to stand aside and let others analyse and think about it if possible.Others often come up with more interesting stories about my lyrics than I had in mind. When I think much about what I'm writing I stop writing. I prefer to write about what is happening rather than what I am thinking about it. Verses 4,5,6 & 7 feel stronger than the first three; I read two separate songs. The first three verses are physical and concrete, the last four seem much more concerned with concepts. I agree that a chorus could work well in this piece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 13, 2008 Moderators Share Posted October 13, 2008 I love it. But yeah, a good bridge every 2 or 3 verses would be great. Don't overthink the vid and audio. You've got it already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 13, 2008 Members Share Posted October 13, 2008 A little musical bridge that doesn't derail it but gives a little break might work well. With regard to re-writing (and re-writing and...) -- there's a point I get to where, unless I feel like I need to do a 'studio' production of the song that I just decide to let it evolve wherever it seems to want to go over time... I haven't been playing in public for a while but I'm starting to think that I might just have to get back on that horse, because that seems to help me focus my energies and tends to motivate me to sing better (or less awfully, anyhow. ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Swingfinger Posted October 13, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 13, 2008 I'm to busy trying to learn the work of more talented songwriters to make my own [YOUTUBE]D-wshHtD9O0[/YOUTUBE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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