Members grantsabbath Posted February 19, 2010 Members Share Posted February 19, 2010 Hey guys. This is a new song I wrote for the RPM challenge. Started it last night and finished it up about an hour ago. A listen and a critique would be very much appreciated. http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8781520 Lisbon Girl Tangled up in artificial lightThe medications working fineSeventeen and eager to distractSneak out the door and don't look back Holding hands with strangers in the coldYou will always be my Lisbon girl You know that you were your mother's childYou've worn these clothes for quite awhileTwenty one still looking for someoneOr your personal shot at heaven Holding hands with strangers in the coldYou will always be my Lisbon girl Who are you looking for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BenDuncan Posted February 19, 2010 Members Share Posted February 19, 2010 I like this one a lot, I love the melody and Harmony on the chorus. I would like to hear four different lines in the chorus instead of the strangers in the cold/libson girl twice though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockinrobby Posted February 19, 2010 Members Share Posted February 19, 2010 I like it all except the high on "You'll always be my Lisbon girl" but that's minor, really great song and performance, the recording does not come close to doing it justice :-( That's what I said the last time the cops came to the door? Who are you looking for? Cause I'm not that guy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members randy Posted February 19, 2010 Members Share Posted February 19, 2010 Nice workReally like it and i think the harmony works well. I kinda agree with BenDuncan, maybe try adding something to the chorus, or maybe a single line bridge before the second chorus? sounds good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted February 19, 2010 Members Share Posted February 19, 2010 Hey guys. This is a new song I wrote for the RPM challenge. Started it last night and finished it up about an hour ago. A listen and a critique would be very much appreciated. http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8781520Lisbon Girl Tangled up in artificial light The medications working fine Seventeen and eager to distract Sneak out the door and don't look back Holding hands with strangers in the cold You will always be my Lisbon girl You know that you were your mother's child You've worn these clothes for quite awhile Twenty one still looking for someone Or your personal shot at heaven Holding hands with strangers in the cold You will always be my Lisbon girl Who are you looking for? I love the sound of this (mix in a little rain noise to spike into and recontextualize all that damn hiss and you'll really have something ), the vocals work great, love the harmony work. The lyrics are enigmatic but seem to give us some pretty telling clues about the lot in life of the Lisbon Girl... still we don't know how figuratively to take lines like "you've worn these clothes for quite a while" -- does it refer back to being her mother's girl? Does it mean she's on the streets? Does it mean both? Holding hands with strangers seems to suggest not the hardened cynicism of most street habitues, but, rather, a lost naif... Of course, I may be reading an entirely different back story in -- but that's the beauty of enigmatic poetry and lyrics, eh? They can be many things to many people... as long as the feel is genuine, they manage to communicate on some level. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sentry68 Posted February 19, 2010 Members Share Posted February 19, 2010 Great vocal on this, love your voice. I like the hold out on lines 2 & 4 a lot. Great harmonies. Good subtle background (guitar? synth?) at the chorus, just right. I could hear a simple drum beat starting late, like at the end of the 1st chorus. Brushes or bongos maybe. Lots of good imagery in the lyrics, and while it leaves gaping holes to fill in, there's enough framework to keep it from sounding random. I like it, it gives room to make my own story in there- in fact, I have to, but I also feel invited to. Noisy floor on the recording side of things, and you're peaking the lead vocal in several places. Good song, I enjoyed it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grantsabbath Posted February 19, 2010 Author Members Share Posted February 19, 2010 Thanks guys! I've been thinking of doing the four line chorus but I can't get anything that fits as well. I really don't want to force it, you know? I'll keep at it though! Blue: It has a pretty specific reference to my personal life but I hate spelling it out for people. I actually love what you're taking from it. Sentry: The background is my Strat on the neck pickup with the tone at about 2. I am addicted to that warm, creamy tone. I agree with the slight percussion idea as well. Great idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted February 19, 2010 Members Share Posted February 19, 2010 Noisy floor on the recording side of things All of those things...... I love this tune. I like it when you let go with the vocals.....I look for that now in your tunes. If there is any way you can automate some of that noise out....it detracts a bit particularly at the beginning. And.......not sure you even need those keys. Great tune! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members gismo recording Posted February 19, 2010 Members Share Posted February 19, 2010 Excellent song. The only thing not stellar is the noise in the recording. If you're anywhere near Chapel Hill, NC come to my studio and I'll get you professional recording. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 19, 2010 Moderators Share Posted February 19, 2010 I love it. and I agree with the idea that the Lisbon Girl line doesn't quite do it. The thing is though, I like it on paper. To me it's just the fact that your melody is so strong that when you come to the hook... it's not quite up to the quality of writing you've led up to it with. You'll always be my... I like that. But I think the rhythm you've chosen for it is too rushed. You don't necessarily have to squeeze it into that little space. Take as much room as you need, personally I'd elongate the phrase to emphasize it. I'd spend some time finding the right cadence and melody for that bit... then you've really got something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockinrobby Posted February 19, 2010 Members Share Posted February 19, 2010 If I were a phrase? I'd be elongated, and emphasized... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members gismo recording Posted February 19, 2010 Members Share Posted February 19, 2010 If I were a phrase? I'd be elongated, and emphasized... That would be a good lyric. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 19, 2010 Moderators Share Posted February 19, 2010 If I were a phrase? I'd be elongated, and emphasized... Best I can tell, I think you're already elongated and emphasized. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members speierg Posted February 20, 2010 Members Share Posted February 20, 2010 This is cool stuff man. As others have said, it'd be great to be able to eliminate that hiss, but you have to work with what you've got. I dig the Strat in the background...it adds something subtle and warms things up a bit. I like the pauses before the last word of certain lines too. Cool. I could see a bit of percussion working nicely here...even if it was just a shaker I think it would add something. Djembe might work too. Great stuff man...you've got a really good one going here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockinrobby Posted February 20, 2010 Members Share Posted February 20, 2010 Best I can tell, I think you're already elongated and emphasized. No :-( I was actually just wearing 3 socks the day we met? LOL! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ido1957 Posted February 20, 2010 Members Share Posted February 20, 2010 Very "modern" sounding = would fit on the radio quite easily. The high harmony falsetto really works on this tune... Fabulous.... :):) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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