Members Oswlek Posted February 10, 2011 Members Share Posted February 10, 2011 Just another in a long line of tunes that I hope you can help reshape. The lines I'm specifically asking for help with have been turned red, though I'm open to ideas everywhere else. FTR, the close rhyming in the intro reads worse than it sings. There is a 5 second break in the middle of and between each line, so they aren't stumbling all over each other. intro Please don't make any promises We might break when morning comes I'm aware how this could end It's hard to care when you need a friend refrain Yes you're wrong for me in so many ways But tonight, please stay v1 Candlelight lit your photograph Swore then never going back Now here we are once again This is all too familiar The same excuses we used to make The same abuses we used to take These are the risks I have to take I need some shelter refrain Oh you're wrong for me in so many ways But tonight, please stay v2 I need the pleasure, I need the thrill The chills come, sweet anticipation Even if tomorrow will Be all too familiar You were always so good at this A natural lover all lips and fingertips Guess its really no suprise I've run To you for some shelter refrain You're wrong for me in too many ways But tonight, please stay One other thing, the lines immediately below the red ones don't have to stay the way they are. I am hoping to end both with "shelter" but otherwise they can be reshaped to fit whatever ideas you have for the lines above. Thanks for your help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted February 10, 2011 Members Share Posted February 10, 2011 The same excuses we used to makeThe same abuses we used to takeThese are the risks that make me know thatI need some shelter I actually like the other red lined one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 10, 2011 Author Members Share Posted February 10, 2011 Thanks Len, I'll give that a shot later. Just an FYI, I'm not tied to an "ake" rhyme in that line nor the "risks" part. I just wrote that because it was the working line of the moment. As for the 2nd red line, I agree that it works better than the first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 11, 2011 Author Members Share Posted February 11, 2011 Rewrite. introPlease don't make any promisesWe might break when morning comesI'm aware how this could endIt's hard to care when you need a friendrefrainYes you're wrong for me in so many waysBut tonight, please stayv1Candlelight lit your photographSwore then never going backNow here we are once againThis is all too familiarThe same excuses we used to makeThe same abuses we used to takeThis broken cage is my sole escapeI need some shelterrefrainOh you're wrong for me in so many waysBut tonight, please stayv2I need the touch, I need the thrillI need the rush only you revealEven if tomorrow willBe all too familiarYou were always so good at thisA natural lover all lips and fingertipsGuess its really no suprise I've runTo you, my shelterrefrainYou're wrong for me in too many waysBut tonight, please stay I had intended on avoided rhyme, but it just seems to want to come out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 11, 2011 Moderators Share Posted February 11, 2011 The same excuses we used to makeThe same abuses we used to takeThe same risks, the same mistakesI need some shelter You were always so good at thisA natural lover all lips and fingertipsSafe in your shadow like the moon eclispedYour arms; my shelter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 11, 2011 Author Members Share Posted February 11, 2011 I'm almost certain to use that first one, Lee, and the eclipsed idea is a good one to hash out as well. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 11, 2011 Moderators Share Posted February 11, 2011 I like the triple rhyme into the shleter line. It has a cool cadence. I like your idea here a lot. And yeah, the moon eclipsed is kinda cool but I could make it swing in those two lines. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 11, 2011 Author Members Share Posted February 11, 2011 Singing this one to myself, I worry about the "same"s in that stanza. I know it is hard to say without hearing the melody, but does that strike you are pleasant repetition or just too much? And how about Safe in your shadow, the night eclipsed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 11, 2011 Moderators Share Posted February 11, 2011 Singing this one to myself, I worry about the "same"s in that stanza. I know it is hard to say without hearing the melody, but does that strike you are pleasant repetition or just too much?And how aboutSafe in your shadow, the night eclipsed. Those repetitions can either be an awesome rhythmic push or a pain. The word "same" lends itself to using the "same" word in rhythmic repetition. I like it myself, but everyone delivers songs differently. Safe in your shadow, the night eclipsedI^like^that^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted February 12, 2011 Members Share Posted February 12, 2011 The lyric is ok, I just feel like the protagonist is kind of a wuss. Also, Rod Stewart's "Stay With Me" kept intruding on me while I was reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted February 12, 2011 Members Share Posted February 12, 2011 Just another in a long line of tunes that I hope you can help reshape. The lines I'm specifically asking for help with have been turned red, though I'm open to ideas everywhere else. FTR, the close rhyming in the intro reads worse than it sings. There is a 5 second break in the middle of and between each line, so they aren't stumbling all over each other. One other thing, the lines immediately below the red ones don't have to stay the way they are. I am hoping to end both with "shelter" but otherwise they can be reshaped to fit whatever ideas you have for the lines above. Thanks for your help. So how'd you end up with my ex-GF and it's good to see she's still cheating on her current BF... though sorry to see, for your sake, its with you. I'm not sure about the 'we' in the excuses/abuses pairing. I mean, isn't the protagonist the guy who's essentially powerless and the other the one holding all the cards? That said, I can almost imagine this use to be 'excuses you used to make' and 'abuse I used to take' -- which is maybe just too on the nose, so I can see how, in my imaginary version of reality, you might have changed it to this. Still... I'm not sure I have a problem with the parts in red, so much. But I'm not the kind of detail guy that others are. I will say that overall I can't help but feel I'd like to see these people brought a little more into sharply detailed focus. The one image detail that does get in here (candlelit portrait) seems almost a little out of place, since the rest is more epistolary, more the protag addressing the other. Now, there's one other issue... He's seeking both shelter and excitement. (This is how I recognized the thrall of my ex-GF... she had this magic way of making you long for her and be miserable without her and also completely enticing and exciting you no matter how much you'd swore you wouldn't get sucked into her spell again.) So... I know that these are not mutually exclusive ideas... but... we need to be shown how they can coexist in the same guy at the same time. And, hey, tell Ram to shove it. Just 'cause he's never met this more-than-a-match-for-any-man woman... :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 12, 2011 Author Members Share Posted February 12, 2011 Thanks for the replies, guys. Ram, he is kind of a wuss. B2B, I made the excuses/abuses "we" because I was trying to imply that she might be going through a similar inner struggle. I do see how that conflicts with a few other lines, so I'll have to review it. Regardless, I'll probably keep the excuses joint because even in your scenario, both are. It's just the direction is different. As for demonstrating both shelter and excitement, I thought I had touched on both. The intro is more toward shelter and the final verse more excitement. Clearly it wasn't as clear as I hoped. I agree it could use more concrete imagery and I was hoping a dash of it would be added to the lines I was asking for help with. The 2nd line of the 2nd verse (now "I need the rush....") also looks to be a good place to squeeze some in. I'll keep it bouncing 'round my head and I'm all ears if you have any ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 12, 2011 Author Members Share Posted February 12, 2011 Oh, one other thing. Dropping the "candlelight lit..." line is going to be very difficult. My soingwriting is almost always sparked by an adlib line where the phrasing and melody make me think I'm on to something. Usually, the line itself becomes so ingrained that I lean on it to develop the rest of the story and this was no exception. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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