Members LeonardScaper Posted March 12, 2011 Members Share Posted March 12, 2011 Our songs come from many places. Mine....at least the good ones....tend to come from deep seated emotion. The problem with that is that a song that has some sort of special meaning to the writer will quite often come across to the listener as contrite or even a bit sappy. I wonder about this one. I first started playing this song six years or so ago. I had just been through a divorce that gave me my kids only sporadically. My young kids were struggling to figure that all out.......they would put on a brave face when they watched me drive away. Time has softened the edges on all that and I find myself playing this song again now and wondering if the emotion of the lyrics is too much for a casual listener. I tried a few watered down versions but instead sang this track with the original images right there in front of me. Fat Boy Dude blew by me on a Fat BoyWhile I was rollin' north on highway number 1He was on a missionI was just wishin'I had stayed a little longerWhy'd I have to leave so soon ChorusI want to live in a worldWhere I can go slowAnd I don't have to watch youWatchin' me goI want to live in a worldWhere you can be freeTo lay all your burdensRight down at my feet Yeah he blew by me on a Fat BoyGuess he had someplace he was meanin' to beBut not me....I was headin' homeFor a dinner aloneAnd thinkin' 'bout youBack there thinkin' bout me Chorus (2)I want to live in a worldWhere I can go slowAnd I don't have to watch youWatchin' me goI want to live in a worldWhere you can be freeTo lay all your burdensRight down at my feetI want to live in a worldWhere I will always knowWhere you have beenAnd where you might be goin' instr. You laid there on the bedWith your eyes not quite closedI guess the medicine was tryin' to take holdI moved a wisp of hairFrom the corner of your mouthAnd I though about what you told meJust before you fell Chorus (2nd) instr. out to..... He blew by me on a Fat BoyYeah he blew by me on a Fat Boy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 12, 2011 Members Share Posted March 12, 2011 If your goal was to convey feeling without being too sappy, I'd say mission accomplished. Right from the atmostpheric first guitar strum I was invested, and it was worth it. As for your concerns, if anything you could go deeper. It comes off a little like a love song (not that that is bad, more interpretations for more relatability), rather than an overly dramatic father/kid thing. Did I hear an organ during the interlude? I really like that idea and think you could have upped it and developed it more (if it was there at all ) A couple critiques: 1) The 2nd line in each verse is phrased a little funny. You seemed to be overly careful with "highway" instead of just letting it come out naturally. And it felt to me like you reached "be" a little too soon in the 2nd verse. 2) The 2nd chorus is crying for a strong resolution instead a non-rhyme. Perhaps just simply "where you might go"? I know that is a slight variation in meaning, but I think it gets the point across. On the final chorus, the "going" worked better because it hung a little, allowing you to play both sides of that statement. 3) I think you need to add a little more instrumentation to pull off the final double chorus. Nothing big, just a little more keys and some percussion. Seemed like you were restating things there and some new candy would removed that, IMO. 4) I personally hear fade out coda instead of the final two lines. Take the cue from "going" and have the engine running full blast there, run it for a few bars and then fade it out still going strong. Great song, Len. You always impress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted March 12, 2011 Members Share Posted March 12, 2011 Not sappy - very powerful. Is it too powerful for repeated listens? Maybe. There is a Liz Phair song called "Little Digger" that I skip 75% of the time when it comes up on shuffle because the lyric is just too powerful. Does that lessen the song at all? I don't think so; even if I don't hear it in my ears I can still hear it in my head. For curiosity, what is the relationship between the protagonist and the dude on the Fat Boy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 12, 2011 Moderators Share Posted March 12, 2011 I love this. I love this. I love this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 12, 2011 Author Members Share Posted March 12, 2011 The protagonist had just dropped his son off for a prolonged stay at a camp. As he drove slowly away he watched in his truck's big ol' mirror as his son just stood there watching him go. He couldn't shake that image. The dude on the Harley shook it for him on Rte 1 while he was cruising ever so slowly home. Interesting production thing.....I tracked the first acoustic guit last Sunday. Lot of traffic noise and I had to dodge it a bit to get the track down. Right as the last note of that track was tailing off a motorcycle cruised by out on the road. You can hear it in there at the end. Yes, btw.....there is an organ. I like it......I'll bring it up a bit. Thanks, guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 12, 2011 Members Share Posted March 12, 2011 Lenny! This is quite a big thing to say but this is my personal favourite of all your songs Just wonderful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 12, 2011 Author Members Share Posted March 12, 2011 That means a lot to me, Sticky. Thanks, Lee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 12, 2011 Members Share Posted March 12, 2011 I really like this song a lot. A lot, a lot. That said, I think the lyric could be improved, if ever-so slightly. (Yep, it's me, the guy who's OCD about lyrics...) I think the chorus would work so much better with the following change (or something like it): I want to live in a worldwhere you can be freeto lay down your burdens,lay them all down on me. The problem isn't just that you've used an imperfect rhyme (me/feet), but that the guy in the song, or almost any guy in this situation, wouldn't want his kid's burdens to be laid down at his feet, he'd want them to be put squarely on his shoulders. My other quibble is the last verse. It's personal, yes, and quite beautifully written, but I think it might be a bit too impenetrable. Have you tried putting it in at the top, or switching places with the 2nd verse? Just a thought. That said, I echo the "other" Lee's sentiments, all three of them. "I love this, I love this, I love this." LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockinrobby Posted March 13, 2011 Members Share Posted March 13, 2011 3 chords and the truth... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted March 13, 2011 Members Share Posted March 13, 2011 Lenny! This is quite a big thing to say but this is my personal favourite of all your songs Just wonderful. I agree with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockinrobby Posted March 14, 2011 Members Share Posted March 14, 2011 ditto... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 14, 2011 Members Share Posted March 14, 2011 Just listening to this terrific piece again. I envy your ability to have so many splashes of activity while staying relaxed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted March 15, 2011 Members Share Posted March 15, 2011 Sweet ! ! ! ! My only comment is on the confusion I had in the "Is", and the "yous." I'm not sure about who's talking. The verse after the second chorus is saying: "You laid thereAnd I though about what you told meJust before you fell I wanna" So, I'm a little confused about who is talking when. . . . , but you know, I don't really care. It's just sweet enough to make me come back for more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 15, 2011 Author Members Share Posted March 15, 2011 So, I'm a little confused about who is talking when. . . . Yeah....that is the verse that I have been most worried about. Relative to my original question about packing too much emotion into a song so as to render it too.....specific.....to be appreciated by someone just passing by, this song was originally penned about two very specific incidents. The first....dropping my young son off at camp and driving away knowing full well that he would have rather come with me. And the second, a few weeks later watching my even younger daughter in the hospital just after she severely dislocated her elbow. These scenes are forever etched in my memory, so much so that I am able to call them up in detail every time I sing the song. They haunt me at times. Still not sure if that kind of material makes for a good song, but this song has made for a good salve for my soul.........and it has been well recieved. I thank all of you for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 15, 2011 Moderators Share Posted March 15, 2011 Part of what makes it work, in my mind, is the fact that it does "haunt" you. That and the image of the Fat Boy. Seemingly unrelated and yet, that kind of concrete detail speaks to a specific and pivotal moment. Something that really happened and had an emotional impact on you... and does get through to the listener. That balance of internal, emotional detail, with external and vivid, concrete images that put you there. Like the Fat Boy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted March 15, 2011 Members Share Posted March 15, 2011 Yeah. I agree. Haunting is what makes it work. That, plus Stella. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 15, 2011 Author Members Share Posted March 15, 2011 That, plus Stella. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockinrobby Posted March 15, 2011 Members Share Posted March 15, 2011 Just listening to this terrific piece again. I envy your ability to have so many splashes of activity while staying relaxed. And who doesn't like a terrific piece? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Surrealistic Posted March 16, 2011 Members Share Posted March 16, 2011 This is just too good Lenny. Shouldn't be allowed. How dare you create something as good as this and throw it in our faces! Oh, by the way, maybe I'm dim (or maybe just from Britain) but I have no idea what a "Fat Boy" is (apart from the literal - and I assume it's not that ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 16, 2011 Members Share Posted March 16, 2011 This is just too good Lenny. Shouldn't be allowed. How dare you create something as good as this and throw it in our faces! Oh, by the way, maybe I'm dim (or maybe just from Britain) but I have no idea what a "Fat Boy" is (apart from the literal - and I assume it's not that ) Motorcycle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted March 16, 2011 Members Share Posted March 16, 2011 This is just too good Lenny. Shouldn't be allowed. How dare you create something as good as this and throw it in our faces! Oh, by the way, maybe I'm dim (or maybe just from Britain) but I have no idea what a "Fat Boy" is (apart from the literal - and I assume it's not that ) [ATTACH=CONFIG]332956[/ATTACH] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Surrealistic Posted March 16, 2011 Members Share Posted March 16, 2011 So it's a little red dot in a box? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 16, 2011 Moderators Share Posted March 16, 2011 A type of Harley from the 90's Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted March 16, 2011 Members Share Posted March 16, 2011 So it's a little red dot in a box? http://www.totalmotorcycle.com/photos/2005models/2005-HarleyDavidsonFLSTFI-15thAnniversaryEdition-FatBoy-Silver-small.jpg It's a type of motorcycle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Surrealistic Posted March 16, 2011 Members Share Posted March 16, 2011 On a serious note for a second (okay, maybe 30 seconds but who's counting?) if it wasn't for the Americana in this ("dude", "fat boy" etc) I'd love to sing this. It's really up my street. But an English guy singing "dude" just sounds like a pillock* * look it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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