Members LeonardScaper Posted March 28, 2011 Members Share Posted March 28, 2011 I know. I was admittedly waxing philosophical. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 28, 2011 Members Share Posted March 28, 2011 Some random thoughts that flitted by while I was out walking just now... 1st idea: I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted March 29, 2011 Members Share Posted March 29, 2011 I didn't like "cake." It was more the contradiction of "Piece of cake" (which i expect you're alluding to) and "When the going get's rough." They seem to be pulling in opposite directions. Udder than that it was engaging. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 Holy re-write, Batman! You guys are awesome. Lots to chew on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 First, I think everybody's ideas are very well thought out, especially Stickboy's and Rhino's "klicks." Second, as for the changes you're thinking of in the section above, I think the first and second new lines are really, really good. But getting your defense "in line" is kinda weak. I'd stick with something relating to crime, maybe:If I could make sense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 1st revision: (with some.. uh... help:)) Fire away! Big Black Boots If I were strongerNot so afraidI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted March 29, 2011 Members Share Posted March 29, 2011 I don't like the pre-chorus anymore - the verses and chorus are much stronger and more consistent now, but the pre-chorus needs updating. If I could make sense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 Yeah, I see what you're saying. Switch to the "I'll's" and the "gonna's" and away from the "I'd's" right there... hmmm... to the self assured machismo and awy from the wimpy dreaming. mm-hmmm??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted March 29, 2011 Members Share Posted March 29, 2011 Yeah, I see what you're saying. Switch to the "I'll's" and the "gonna's" and away from the "I'd's" right there... hmmm... to the self assured machismo and awy from the wimpy dreaming. mm-hmmm??? Exactly. I think the dreaming should still be there as a subtext, but that characterization will arise indirectly from how you draw him in the foregound and let the audience self-direct to the realization of how self-deluding his macho posturing really is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 BTW, this was inspired by Red Mist from Kick Ass! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 I'm gonna take... what's mineIt's just a matter... of timeIt's gonna be... the perfect crimeI own it, man, I own it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 2nd revision: Big Black Boots If I were strongerNot so afraidI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 29, 2011 Members Share Posted March 29, 2011 2nd revision:I'm gonna take... what's mineIt's just a matter... of timeIt's gonna be... the perfect crimeI own it, man, I own it! I don't know. I think I like it better the way you had it before: If I could make sense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 And I think I agree with with you LCK. I toyed with just bringing that pre to this... I'm gonna make sense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 I'm circling in on Revision 3: Big Black Boots If I were strongerNot so afraidI Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 29, 2011 Members Share Posted March 29, 2011 Those early "like"s still irk me. I can live with one, but two... Perhaps something like A boss pickup truck That way you can even work an extra adjective in. Of course, feel free to ignore me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 You're on to something there. I need to make the truck line the more of a continuation of the previous line while avoiding the "like". I'm on it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 ? A little tallerFrom a crown of thornsI'd steer my lifeGrab it by the horns ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 29, 2011 Members Share Posted March 29, 2011 Pickup truck is better. I'll just have to quiet my inner voices. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted March 29, 2011 Members Share Posted March 29, 2011 Pickup truck is better. I'll just have to quiet my inner voices. Sometimes life is like that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 29, 2011 Members Share Posted March 29, 2011 Hows about something like A little tallerAnd man enoughTo steer my lifeBack out of the rough or something using rough and leave the truck thing out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 Ooo^^^ooo^^^ Yeah, I'm getting kind of burnt on the truck thing. Although... pickup truck sings really well! You guys are good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 29, 2011 Members Share Posted March 29, 2011 ?A little tallerFrom a crown of thornsI'd steer my lifeGrab it by the horns? bonus points for working in a crown of thorns reference, but I dont think it works in the context of this song. A little taller And man enoughI'd steer my life Make my own luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 29, 2011 Members Share Posted March 29, 2011 im almost due a credit on this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 29, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted March 29, 2011 You get free beer when I come to your town and rock your posse! I'll even invite you up to play melodica! Yes, I am lifting phrases in their entirety and pretending I wrote them. You gotta a problem with that?!?!? It's all ME baby! I'm bitchen! Just like the song. You see, I figure, if I stick some crap out there and thee are good writers around, they can't help themselves. "Here. Take my great line and pretend you wrote it. It's free!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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