Members DukeOfBoom Posted April 4, 2011 Members Share Posted April 4, 2011 the transitions b/w chorus & verse & chorus & bridge are weak. but can't figure out a good one yet. the chorus is flat. bridge has some timing issues. oh well. my vox aren't gonna get better ATM Any suggestions on where to go, things to change are cool. http://picosong.com/2Vp I don Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted April 4, 2011 Members Share Posted April 4, 2011 Needs more fun. The guitar work (especially) takes itself way too seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted April 4, 2011 Members Share Posted April 4, 2011 Your voice has really improved, dukey. This sounds great. It reminds me of that punk kinda London Calling type song... You're a rather angry young man, aren't ye sir? lol I really like the bridge guitar bit too. I like this a lot. It kinda reminds me a BIT of this... [video=youtube;exGqZwbCwAE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DukeOfBoom Posted April 4, 2011 Author Members Share Posted April 4, 2011 Needs more fun. The guitar work (especially) takes itself way too seriously. It's a pretty dark song, rsad. I'm not sure where you're really coming from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted April 4, 2011 Members Share Posted April 4, 2011 I'd like to hear the vocals a little more rhythmic--you're stretching the meter in several places, and it detracts from the nihilistic intentions of the lyric. I think rsadasiv might be saying that the guitars get a bit proggy in places; they're overly structured and contradict the chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted April 4, 2011 Members Share Posted April 4, 2011 I think rsadasiv might be saying that the guitars get a bit proggy in places; they're overly structured and contradict the chorus. Thank you for your eloquence. +1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 4, 2011 Moderators Share Posted April 4, 2011 I personally like the proggy bits mixed with the pissed off punk vocals. The chorus though, does need to be a little hookier. You sing the hell out of it!!! You're channeling Shaun Ryder! "I wanna watch it" has the same rhythm as "I don't like it" and "I don't like how...". I think that's where your issue with the chorus is. You need some contrast rhythmically. How about a gang chorus singing the (iwannawatchit) all bunched up together rhythmically then you sing the responses? (iwannawatchit)watch it blow up(iwannawatchit)watch it explode(iwannawatchit)watch it bleedAnd for world to see Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 4, 2011 Members Share Posted April 4, 2011 I'm with rsa. I get how serious the lyrics are, but some more instrumental mirth would actually get the point across better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DukeOfBoom Posted April 4, 2011 Author Members Share Posted April 4, 2011 alright dudes,you gave some good advice. i'll have to funk around with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DukeOfBoom Posted April 5, 2011 Author Members Share Posted April 5, 2011 I'd like to hear the vocals a little more rhythmic--you're stretching the meter in several places, and it detracts from the nihilistic intentions of the lyric. I think rsadasiv might be saying that the guitars get a bit proggy in places; they're overly structured and contradict the chorus. hey, what does 'stretching the meter' mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted April 5, 2011 Members Share Posted April 5, 2011 hey, what does 'stretching the meter' mean? It seems to me the song would be stronger if they lyrics had a consistent meter: duh DA duh DA duh DA duh DA Whereas you do that in some places, but in other places: duh duh DA duh DA duh duh duh DA duh DA Hope that makes sense. Wife is asleep, so I can't replay and pull some specific examples. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DukeOfBoom Posted April 5, 2011 Author Members Share Posted April 5, 2011 It seems to me the song would be stronger if they lyrics had a consistent meter: duh DA duh DA duh DA duh DA Whereas you do that in some places, but in other places: duh duh DA duh DA duh duh duh DA duh DA Hope that makes sense. Wife is asleep, so I can't replay and pull some specific examples. yeah i know exactly what you're saying, but i had certain lyrics i needed to fit in. I remember reading that hendrix and dylan, if they had words they had to fit in, they made em fit so that's what i did Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CountRobula Posted April 5, 2011 Members Share Posted April 5, 2011 Gives off a sloppy, gritty punk vibe that I like with the intoxicated/ing wailing vocals and the angular riffage.. I think Lee's suggestion would be really awesome, it'd probably give it a black flag sort of vibe with the chorus of voices. I also don't think there's anything wrong with the proggyness, but that's just my preference I guess. I like this. This is healthy, let out your anger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DukeOfBoom Posted April 5, 2011 Author Members Share Posted April 5, 2011 Ok, tried this new chorus. I think it sounds cool on its own. I don't know if it works with the rest of the song, since the verse is just G-E, and this sorta modulates into a G-major I-III-IV type deal. I upped just the 2nd verse and chorus. Is the modulation too strange, especially when juxtaposed against the lyrics? here's the new link:http://picosong.com/VJ3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CountRobula Posted April 5, 2011 Members Share Posted April 5, 2011 To be honest, the guitar towards the end gives off an almost sadistically happy vibe. The fact that you can flow from one extreme mood to another is pretty boss, and I think it sounds great. BUT I think you should start singing the "and so I spend way too much time alone" right after the line before it to flow it perfectly instead of fumbling over it - I think it'd sound MUCH better if you keep the flow consistent. Sounds a bit awkward as it stands, but other than that, this sounds like something you'd hear on a great punk record. Just repeat the last guitar phrase in your recording before it cuts off and you could go right back to the beginning, rinse and repeat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted April 5, 2011 Members Share Posted April 5, 2011 I remember reading that hendrix and dylan, if they had words they had to fit in, they made em fit so that's what i did I don't want to be difficult, but I'm kind of saying here that you didn't. I'm of the camp that no lyric is important enough to sacrifice FEEL, and that's what you're doing here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DukeOfBoom Posted April 5, 2011 Author Members Share Posted April 5, 2011 I don't want to be difficult, but I'm kind of saying here that you didn't. I'm of the camp that no lyric is important enough to sacrifice FEEL, and that's what you're doing here. uh, well you're half right. i was remembered the details last night. it was an interview with another artist, someone like john mayer or something, and he mentioned how he liked how hendrix would squeeze in words he wanted to say even if they didn't entirely fit. i think that's true especially in songs like 'castles made of sand' but whatever, i get what you're saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 5, 2011 Members Share Posted April 5, 2011 this is going to be really hard to get across in writing but on the chorus you could try the timing like I , I (group of voices doing this) wanna watch it blooooow up kind of 1, 1 , 1234 , 1 , 1 does that make any sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 5, 2011 Moderators Share Posted April 5, 2011 this is going to be really hard to get across in writing but on the chorus you could try the timing likeI , I (group of voices doing this) wanna watch it blooooow upkind of 1, 1 , 1234 , 1 , 1does that make any sense? I get that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted April 5, 2011 Members Share Posted April 5, 2011 I sure do like hearing somebody sing from somewhere deep inside........leaving no doubt about what the message and feeling of the song is. I try to aspire to this kind of writing and performance. Our stuff is pretty similar, Duke, don't you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DukeOfBoom Posted April 5, 2011 Author Members Share Posted April 5, 2011 stickyboy & lee: I really like the gang vox idea for the chorus. i tried tinkering with it last night, but couldn't make it work with the "iwannawatchit" so that it would sound good. I want to revisit that when I'm feeling more inspired though. leonard: as far as i'm concerned, there's real {censored}, and fake {censored}. the fake {censored} can go to hell, even if that's what sells these days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted April 5, 2011 Members Share Posted April 5, 2011 as far as i'm concerned, there's real {censored}, and fake {censored}. the fake {censored} can go to hell, even if that's what sells these days. Exactly what I was trying to say! There is no doubt as to which category this tune falls into. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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