Poor and Wistful (work in progress)

[u6crash]

A few weeks ago I started a thread about songs without choruses because it kind of bugs me that this song doesn't have one. Now I'm okay with that fact, but I still kind of wish it was longer. Not sure what my intent is eventually, but I'm toying with the idea of recording an EP just to say I did it.

 

What do you think?

 

Poor and Wistful

 

Lyrics:

 

An Indian takes aim at a star on the wrapper

from my Tootsie Roll Pop

That I bought just a moment agao

down at the corner shop

If it will grant a wish

there's just one

that I need to come true

So I close my eyes and think of you

 

Traveling down an old country road

I hear the gravel under my wheels pop

Until a bright flash before my eyes

brings my ride sliding to a stop

And I've asked you to be mine of every star

I've ever seen streak across the night sky

And if this one tells me no this time

I'll demand to know why

 

For sixteen weeks every Tuesday on the radio

In Boise, Idaho

You could tune in and hear them play my song

And though the DJ gets my name wrong

With folded armed and a jealous smile

you say, "You wrote that for who?"

And it's a lie when I say, "I forgot,

but this one's for you."

 

Another day older, wiser, poor and wistful

Another Tootsie Roll Pop

If every lucky wrapper brings you closer to me

you know I'll never stop

Now this time no Indian, no star

and it's a drag

but what can I say?

I still close my eyes and think of you anyway

[Lee Knight]

I love it. I really like the pop appearing in these two different contexts.

from my Tootsie Roll Pop

 

I hear the gravel under my wheels pop

 

Very cool..

[oldgitplayer]

Good song - good melody. In developing further, maybe look at :

 

Changing title to 'Tootsie Roll Pop'. I'm not sure that the song is about 'poor and wistful'.

 

The melody of the 1st and 2nd lines remain as is. The 5th line is the same melody as the 1st line, and stays as is.

But I think the 3rd and 4th lines could use a change in the melody. I find having the 1st, 3rd and 5th line all running the same is a bit too much sameness.

Noodle around and see what you think. I've already sung something different in my head for lines 3 & 4, and it feels an improvement to me.

Alternatively, keep the melody the same for lines 1,2,3 &4, but change it for line 5.

 

If not a chorus, then maybe just a bridge. That feels like it could slot in before the last verse.

In this case I would keep all the verses in the same tempo, and use the changed tempo for the bridge instead of verse 3.

[Lee Knight]

 

Good song - good melody. In developing further, maybe look at : Changing title to 'Tootsie Roll Pop'. I'm not sure that the song is about 'poor and wistful'.

 

 

Great idea! Tootsie Roll Pop is a great title. As a matter of fact, if it were me, which it isn't, but if it was, I'd solve your issue of "no chorus" by making a chorus out of Tootsie Roll Pop.

 

My Tootsie Roll Pop

That I bought just a moment ago

down at the corner shop

 

It's juxtaposition is cool and telling. Combine it with less then a jovial melody and harmony and you've got some poignancy. Or rather, you're tapping into your already existing poignancy. I think the best stuff comes from recognizing and digging what you've done right so far and expanding upon that. You've got some heart here. See it and work it.

[u6crash]

Thanks folks! The original title was actually Tootsie Roll Pop, but somehow it felt like it was too on the nose or something. I like the idea of changing the vocal melody on some lines, too. The third verse is sort of my placeholder bridge. The chords don't change, but it's a slightly different style. I think I might cook up something else to put in there before the last verse though. Thanks again for all the feedback!

[bee3]

I read the lyrics first and I really like them. The tune is nice too... I like how it changes with the rhythmic chords on the third verse. I would suggest a more dramatic change in melody there too... something that deviates from how you sing it in verses one and two and four. This way, it may seem more like a bridge and help disguise the fact that there is no real chorus.

 

 

Also, you may be able to get away with removing the word night in this phrase: I've ever seen streak across the night sky. It sounded like you kind of crammed it in there and I'm not sure it's necessary.

 

Nice work though... Do you have the means to do a proper recording?

[rhino55]

Lyrics look great. It tells a story in a cool way. I don't think it needs a chorus but if you decide you want one, I think you've already got it written.

 

I changed one line because I think it would be good to draw a parallel between the star on the candy wrapper and the night sky.

 

An Indian takes aim at a star on the wrapper

from my Tootsie Roll Pop

That I bought just a moment agao

down at the corner shop

If it will grant a wish

there's just one

that I need to come true

So I close my eyes and think of you

 

Traveling down an old country road

I hear the gravel under my wheels pop

Until a bright flash before my eyes

brings my ride sliding to a stop

And I've asked you to be mine of every star

both candy wrappers and the night sky

And if this one tells me no this time

I'll demand to know why (I'd like to see a change in this line as well. It works, but the next verse says why they aren't together)

 

Another day older, wiser, poor and wistful

Another Tootsie Roll Pop

If every lucky wrapper brings you closer to me

you know I'll never stop

 

For sixteen weeks every Tuesday on the radio

In Boise, Idaho

You could tune in and hear them play my song

And though the DJ gets my name wrong

With folded armed and a jealous smile

you say, "You wrote that for who?"

And it's a lie when I say, "I forgot,

but this one's for you."

 

Another day older, wiser, poor and wistful

Another Tootsie Roll Pop

If every lucky wrapper brings you closer to me

you know I'll never stop

 

Now this time no Indian, no star

and it's a drag

but what can I say?

I still close my eyes and think of you anyway

 

Another day older, wiser, poor and wistful

Another Tootsie Roll Pop

If every lucky wrapper brings you closer to me

you know I'll never stop

[rhino55]

As far as a title goes, I don't know if you want to use a trade marked name like Tootsie Roll Pop, but I think that'd be great. You could also use Aim at a Star or I Keep Wishing

[bee3]

Another thought. I think 'of' would work better than 'from' here:

 

An Indian takes aim at a star on the wrapper

of my Tootsie Roll Pop

That I bought just a moment

[u6crash]

 

Nice work though... Do you have the means to do a proper recording?

 

 

Nope. I do have Logic Express and a couple mics, but no interface or monitor. I might ask some friends to help record it when I feel like it's done.

 

Thanks again for all the suggestions! I'll try some of them out throughout the week. Think I should keep this an acoustic tune?

[oldgitplayer]

 

Think I should keep this an acoustic tune?

 

 

It can work either way.

Regardless of that, I think your vocal range is better suited to the lower range version that was also posted.

The last version was straining your voice and making it thinner.