Coming Out Of Dry Dock

[LeonardScaper]

Here's one that I thought I would never finish. Been playing different versions of this for many years but I could never bring myself to properly produce it because it always came across as too contrived and too blatantly anthropomorphic.

 

There are lyrical images that still don't quite work for me, but........here it is anyway.

 

It's a bit bigger than my usual stuff.

 

EDIT:

The link has been updated with new lyrics from the most excellent discussion that follows.

 

Coming Out Of Dry Dock

 

I am an old sailboat who is stuck in this harbor

Been abused by my captain

And too long on the sea

My lines had been weakened

Spliced by his shaking hand

Running from the hurricane I slipped into this bay

 

Where the wind blows by me

Out on the sea

And the waves in the distance

No longer call to me

 

The hand of a master shaped me in the shipyard

Only the finest

Such was my lore

With the lines of a schooner

And the power of the waves

Was the pride of the fishing fleet on the Carolina shore

 

Now the seabirds defile me

As I wait in the lee

And the ships passing by my

Speak to me destiny

 

Now I'm coming out of dry dock

My sails are mended and my rigging is new

I've been waiting here in dry dock

But the waiting is through

 

I'm coming out of dry dock

Coming out of dry dock

'Cause the waiting is through

 

Now I know I look different but I'm still the same

Though my decks may be varnished

And my compass brand new

I have a new sextant

I wear a new name

But deep in my hold lie the beams of my youth

 

And I'm coming out of dry dock

[Monkey Uncle]

Great song, Lenny. Thanks for sharing your finished work with us.

[LeonardScaper]

Thanks, Uncle.......not so sure if it's finished, though.

 

Hearing lyrics that are bothering me.

[stickboymusic]

Lenny this is without question your finest work.

 

Nothing is bothering me lyrically, its beautiful

 

where lies your problems?

 

EDIT: Ok this one line slightly bothered me

 

Now I know I look different but I'm still the same

Though my decks may be varnished

And my compass brand new

 

i think it needs a rhyme or a semi rhyme at least

 

how about

 

Now I know I look different but I'm still the same

Though my decks may be varnished

And my compass REPLACED

[LeonardScaper]

Thanks so much for that......I am pleased overall with this one myself.

 

Ok...my problem areas....

 

Exactly the one you identify. I want to rhyme with youth somehow so 'new' still feels right. But 'brand new' does not. I have sung it as 'my compasses new' but I don't know if such a vessel would have more than one compass.

 

Also.....the very beginning........not sure that it works to come right out with telling the listener that I am a sailboat. Wouldn't it be better to find a more subtle way to make that connection?

 

Also....'As I wait in the lee' just feels wrong for some reason. Not being a sailor, my nauticallity is somewhat suspect.

[Lee Knight]

I've got nothing worthy to contribute other than saying I like this song a lot. Love the keyboard work. Very complimentary.

 

I love the simple horn motif 3 1/2 minutes in. Fuzz guitar? Whatever it is, it sounds cool. Lots of groovy sounds that evoke an old sailor tune but without the fiddle and penny whistle. No mean feat. Cool.

 

Even more overt portamento synth there at the end. It's really cool. Nicely done!

 

[bee3]

Damn you SoundClick! Blocked at my work.

[oldgitplayer]

I like the song Lenny - don't sweat about the anthropomorphism, the song hangs together as both a good sea tale and fine metaphor for those who like to read the 2nd layer of the lyric.

 

There's a couple of places where you maybe have a word too many in a line, because I can hear you crushing them in as you sing - but that's easily fixed.

Also you might like to consider doing a re-take on the vocal, as there are a couple of places where the vocal melody falters with a sort of uncertainty.

 

Having been a folk / ballad singer when I was a younger whippersnapper, the song appeals to me, so I might just work out your chords and have a sing of it myself. Not in your unique style though - just as an oldgit folk ballad.

 

I had a string of great uncles living in Portsmouth who were marine engineers and shipwrights, going back a few generations into the heyday of the great sailing ships, so I fancy tapping into a bit of what's in my bloodline.

[LeonardScaper]

Having been a folk / ballad singer when I was a younger whippersnapper, the song appeals to me, so I might just work out your chords and have a sing of it myself. Not in your unique style though - just as an oldgit folk ballad.

 

Yeah!!

 

Goferit!!!

[LCK]

Thanks, Uncle.......not so sure if it's finished, though. Hearing lyrics that are bothering me.

 

Me too.

 

The things that still bother me are "abused by my captain" and "sea birds defile me."

 

If you're going to tell the story in the voice of the ship, those lines need to go IMO. I know it sounds strange, but they don't sound like the kind of things a ship would say.

 

Just my 2

[LeonardScaper]

 

Great image there.

[LCK]

 

the voice is that of a ship the humanization of it's story is very important. I mean, think about it....what, if anything, would a ship say? I find that I agree with you, Lee, that there is a bit too much of a human quality given to this vessel which may well detract from the song in general. This is why I have steered clear of taking this song too seriously over the years. What is obviously important to me here, is what the human character is going through in his rebirth. I have considered backing away a bit from the ship thing and re-working the lyrics, but.....I do like how it shaped up in the tracking.

 

 

A ship would feel proud to be of service to the crew and captain. Dry docked, she would miss the feeling of the ocean beneath her hull, the feeling of slipping silently through the cold salt water, the feel of the wind filling her sails, her masts and beams proudly holding those sails in place, no matter what weather comes along. She would feel proud to be of service to her captain and crew.

 

That ship would sing, "Hard sailed by my captain," not "Abused by my captain."

 

As for becoming a nest for sea birds, that wouldn't be a proud moment for her. Yet she wouldn't feel defiled by them. She wouldn't mind them much at all if it weren't for the fact that out on the open water, they wouldn't even be able to catch her. She would outfly and outsail them all. She knows she's in no condition to complain about it now, though. She takes what life gives her.

 

Ah, but to come out of dry dock? To be refitted, and re-rigged? To be able to fly over the open water again, with the wind in her sails, and the crew hard at work on her decks? The sea birds chasing and shrieking at her for a mile or two before giving up? It would be wonderful to feel those things again.

 

That's how a ship would feel about all this.

 

Anyway, that's what I think.

 

LCK

[LeonardScaper]

Ah yes, my friend......but this ship was abused by the captain. Drunken and slovenly he ran her too hard, recklessly driving her into unwarranted storms and spending his ill gotten gain on wordly pleasures rather than much needed maintenance.

 

And....the defilement came not from nesting but from the droppings of birds that confused her for just another land mass of sorts.

 

[saturn1]

Ah yes, my friend......but this ship was abused by the captain. Drunken and slovenly he ran her too hard, recklessly driving her into unwarranted storms and spending his ill gotten gain on wordly pleasures rather than much needed maintenance. And....the defilement came not from nesting but from the droppings of birds that confused her for just another land mass of sorts.

 

This piece of information really helps me understand. I like the song a lot and, as a sailor of sorts, the imagery rings true. It is both sad and hopeful at once. As I listened and reread the lyrics and the comments above I kept wondering about the impetus for 'coming out of dry dock' after what I assume to be a significant length of time. Your comments here make some things clearer. I am wondering if a verse or a bridge that provides the motivation transition from neglected to reinvigorated. Then again, leaving it unclear may allow the listener to apply their own sense of why.

 

Did I say that I really like the song?

[LeonardScaper]

Did I say that I really like the song?

 

You did...and thanks.

 

This is one of the things that we always struggle with as songwriters.......just how much do we give away and how much do we ask our listeners to figure out.

[oldgitplayer]

This is one of the things that we always struggle with as songwriters.......just how much do we give away and how much do we ask our listeners to figure out.

 

I think about this topic a fair bit. I guess it depends entirely on the content and style of the song.

I expect in a Nashville production you have to call a tractor a tractor.

 

But in a song about renewal with an allegorical structure, we have to utilise lyric devices that convey the 2nd layer of meaning in a subtle manner that isn't obscure.

Also within this structure, I'm happy to give hints that provide the listener with a few dots to connect, and not always spell it out as if spoon-feeding the storyline.

 

I guess the language is rich with opportunity, and we have a blank canvas to use within the limits of our own expressive ability.

[LeonardScaper]

I'm happy to give hints

 

Yep.

 

My problem has always been that my hints tend to be a bit obtuse. Maybe I'll try to do my next one about a tractor.

[oldgitplayer]

Yep. My problem has always been that my hints tend to be a bit obtuse. Maybe I'll try to do my next one about a tractor.

 

I have become the benefactor

Of a beautiful red and shiny tractor

And on the gorgeous girl next door

I will use it to attract her.

 

I think I may have a Nashville hit here Lenny

[LCK]

Ah yes, my friend......but this ship was abused by the captain. Drunken and slovenly he ran her too hard, recklessly driving her into unwarranted storms and spending his ill gotten gain on wordly pleasures rather than much needed maintenance. And....the defilement came not from nesting but from the droppings of birds that confused her for just another land mass of sorts.

 

Yes, I know all that. But what I'm saying is that the ship wouldn't see it in those terms. Those bothersome phrases -- the ones that bug me -- bug me because that's where Lenny's voice filters through, and the song stops being about the ship and using her as the voice of the story starts feeling like an "artistic" -- meaning artificial -- choice rather than a natural or organic one. (Maybe this is why you're thinking of redoing the lyric in such a way that it's your story, not the ship's.)

 

I think what makes the song great is the personification and allegory. BUT I also think that it's only by honoring the true nature of the ship, and her perspective, that you can tell the truth about your story, whatever that is. (I could be totally wrong because I have no idea where the two do and don't overlap.)

 

So, you're right. Is it your story? If so, tell it through your voice. If it's the ship's story, used as an allegory, that's fine too. But if you're going to use that device you have to be honest and respect her perspective. Respect her voice. Personally, I think you'll have a much better song if you simply make two very small changes to the lyric.

 

Sorry to beat a dead horse, but at least now I think I've covered everything I wanted to say.

 

LCK

[oldgitplayer]

I knew there was a solution lurking somewhere in my sub-conscious. I pulled out an old Steeleye Span record that sets up the anthropomorphistic simile in the opening line.

Using the same device, your opening line might be :

 

'I am as an old sailboat, stuck in a harbour'

 

Fortunately, it's also on YouTube, so here is the song in question :

 

[video=youtube;7-bJ16plWBE]

[LCK]

 

I knew there was a solution lurking somewhere in my sub-conscious. I pulled out an old Steeleye Span record that sets up the anthropomorphistic simile in the opening line. Using the same device, your opening line might be : 'I am as an old sailboat, stuck in a harbour' Fortunately, it's also on YouTube, so here is the song in question :

 

 

If the lyric wasn't written first person, from the ship's perspective, then those lines wouldn't be a problem.

 

LCK

[grace_slick]

But why wouldn't the ship say those words? I don't know much about ships and boats and all of that, but why couldn't a ship acknowledge the longterm neglect from its master? It doesn't have to be said in a way that's angry or reproachful...just...an observation...the ship seems old to me...wise and weathered...it's going off on its own finally...it's still a ship but it's...different now...it's an enlightened ship...a ship made of parts and wood but with a human brain. lol *delirious*

 

Edit later - yes, I definitely was delirious when writing that. I totally forgot to say that I love the song. I remember saying I loved it way back months ago too...I even remember where I was sitting when I heard it. I was at work...shouldn't have been listening to songs there, but I did anyway.

[stickboymusic]

 

But why wouldn't the ship say those words? I don't know much about ships and boats and all of that, but why couldn't a ship acknowledge the longterm neglect from its master? It doesn't have to be said in a way that's angry or reproachful...just...an observation...the ship seems old to me...wise and weathered...it's going off on its own finally...it's still a ship but it's...different now...it's an enlightened ship...a ship made of parts and wood but with a human brain. lol *delirious*

 

 

Im with Gracie here - totally agree

 

Ships are wood and come from trees and trees are full of life.... let them speak.

[grace_slick]

RIGHT ON!!!!!! *fist pump*

[Monkey Uncle]

Thanks, Uncle.......not so sure if it's finished, though. Hearing lyrics that are bothering me.

 

Sorry, from the tone of your OP, I thought you meant you were done with it despite not liking all the lyrics.

 

But as long as you're taking further input, I have to say I agree with LCK about the abuse and defilement. "Abused" sounds a bit whiny, and "defile" brings forth images of bird crap. I'd take LCK's suggestions and run with them.