Coming Out Of Dry Dock

[grace_slick]

But it IS bird crap...he's not actually SAYING "bird crap" because that'd suck in terms of a song lyric, so he says "defile" instead. I think it's ok.

As far as "abused" goes, I don't necessarily think it's whiny...over the years the word "abuse" has become somewhat of a psycho-babble buzz word for a lot of things...and this can make it seem a bit prissy or whiny or...whatever. But in this case, this ship is beyond all that...it doesn't know about such things. It just knows how it feels.

Also, I don't get the impression the ship is actually accusatory in its "abuse" statement...it is just stating the fact...it is almost beyond feeling anything towards that sort of treatment of itself...it just needs to get away...so no, I don't think it MEANS to be whiny...it is beyond whining. It's too wise for that.

[Lee Knight]

I agree about the bird poo and abuse. Not that it's a vote or anything and I'm sure Lenny will go with what he likes best anyway. And should. But those lines just jumped out at me. They feel out of character. I'm all for fist pumping ship power and letting them speak but... what happened for me when listened was... I was distracted. It's like when you're reading a cool novel, you're lost in the story and characters... then the author does something that reminds you there is an author. Author's intrusion. I became aware more of the storyteller and less of the story at those points.

[LCK]

 

I agree about the bird poo and abuse. what happened for me when listened was... I was distracted. It's like when you're reading a cool novel, you're lost in the story and characters... then the author does something that reminds you there is an author. Author's intrusion. I became aware more of the storyteller and less of the story at those points.

 

 

That's exactly my point. It's reflective of the author's voice, not the ship's.

 

LCK

[LeonardScaper]

Working on a subtle re-write that will allow me to say the things that need to be said in such a way that lets the listener flow through the song better.

My worry with this specific issue is that I really want you to get past those first verses to the release of the chorus....which is so crucial for this song's development.

I think I'll play this one a bit tonight and see what I can do before retracking the vocals. I really appreciate this level of input for this tune and I'd love to get any other ideas for lyric changes before I hit the red button again.

I'm wondering how to make the transition to first person a bit smoother.

Something like.....

Just an old sailboat who is stuck in this harbor
Pushed hard by the captain
Too long on the sea
With lines lines weakened
Spliced by his shaking hand
Running from the hurricane I slipped into the bay
etc, etc..

I wouldn't be making such a concise connection....and I'd be introducing the first person connection in a more subtle manner.

And how about.....

Now the sea birds fly by me as I wait in the lee
And ships on the high sea
Speak to my destiny

[LCK]

 

I'm wondering how to make the transition to first person a bit smoother. Something like..... Just an old sailboat who is stuck in this harbor Pushed hard by her captain (I still like "hard sailed") Too long on the sea With lines lines (?) weakened Spliced by his shaking hand Running from the hurricane I slipped into the bay etc, etc.. I wouldn't be making such a concise connection....and I'd be introducing the first person connection in a more subtle manner. And how about..... Now the sea birds ignore me as I wait in the lee while ships on the high sea Speak to my destiny

 

 

Those are my suggestions.

 

And once again, I think this is a terrific song, really well-produced. Very close to perfection.

 

LCK

[Lee Knight]

Those minor touch ups by LCK on an already cool verse are happening... this is really shaping up nice.

[LeonardScaper]

Yeah....we really are getting somewhere here.

I like hard sailed...that's in.

Lines lines was a typo.

I actually think I want the sea birds still somewhat involved with the ship as it has been my experience that you'll see more of them hanging around ships that are in the harbor.

Furthermore......

Just an old sailboat who is stuck in this harbor
Hard sailed by the (my?) captain
Too long on the sea
With lines weakened
And sailcloth in tatters
From a hurricane off Hatteras
I slipped into this bay

I mean....I do bring Carolina into play again in the next verse.

Is this fun....or what?

[LeonardScaper]

Not only that....but this....

Now the seabirds surround me
As I wait in the lee
And the ships on the sound
Speak to my destiny



Heat up that Peluso, son.....Lenny's got some hot lyrics now!!

[LCK]

Not only that....but this.... Now the seabirds surround me As I wait in the lee And the ships on the sound Speak to my destiny Heat up that Peluso, son.....Lenny's got some hot lyrics now!!

 

Yeah! Nice goin'!

 

LCK

[oldgitplayer]

Hey Lenny - when I started playing and singing this myself, I found myself changing a couple of things to make it easier to sing. But also to clarify the picture.

I'm not recommending that you use them, because you are doing a re-write anyway, but see if anything resonates.

 

I liked LCK's turn of phrase.

Also I, like you stumbled over the syllables of 'the shaking hand', so I changed the line to add another primary element that would be requiring repair.

 

I am an old sailboat, and stuck in a harbour

Hard sailed by my captain

And too long on the sea

My planking's bin pounded

My lines have bin weakened

Running from a hurr'cane, I slipped into this bay

 

I had to check on the word 'lee', and as I suspected, you can be protected or sheltered in the lee of something, but the lee itself is not the protection.

 

Now the seabirds rest with me

As I wait in port's lee

And the ships passing by

Speak to my destiny

 

I've also written an additional verse that moves on from 'coming out' and is preceded by 'I've come out of dry dock........'

The final verse affirms the transformation and being back on the high seas.

 

But your song is complete the way you do it - I just feel I want to have the boat having the experience of being whole again.

[LeonardScaper]

Hmmmmm....love to sea that verse.

Tracked new vox a while ago......we'll see what sticks to the wall. Just spent an hour carefully automating the new with appropriate parts of the old. This is almost too much fun.

Can't even begin to tell you all how much I appreciate this coolaborative energy.

[oldgitplayer]

Would be glad to sully your waters with me thoughts shipmate. But firstly, the credit goes to the perennially windswept and interesting LCK who planted the seed in my mind. He said :

'Ah, but to come out of dry dock? To be refitted, and re-rigged? To be able to fly over the open water again, with the wind in her sails, and the crew hard at work on her decks? The sea birds chasing and shrieking at her for a mile or two before giving up? It would be wonderful to feel those things again.
That's how a ship would feel about all this'.

Lenny - you have a unique semi-spoken style of delivery and your meandering instrumental / vocal conclusion to the arrangement works for you.
I can't pull this off, so my delivery is more conventional and needs a release at the end - hence I'm ending it with some energy and lyrics of transformation because it seems to fizzle out otherwise when I do it.

My final verse was just a quick dash, and at present, not that good, so I'll put some thought into it and make it good, because it has become important to my alternative arrangement.

So I'll certainly share it with you when I'm done.

[oldgitplayer]

This is the general idea for the conclusion :

Now I'm out of dry dock
My sails are unfurled, my rudder is true
No longer on keel blocks
Heading out to the blue

My keel cuts the water, the birds fly alongside
New heartwood is swelling
And fresh are the crew
No longer grounded
And glad of adventure
Wind in the sails, and my purpose renewed.

[LCK]

 

This is the general idea for the conclusion : Now I'm out of dry dock My sails are unfurled, my rudder is true No longer on keel blocks Heading out to the blue My keel cuts the water, the birds fly alongside New heartwood is swelling And fresh are the crew No longer grounded And glad of adventure Wind in the sails, and my purpose renewed.

 

 

That's really nice work, OGP.

 

I don't know if the new timbers will fit flush with Lenny's woodwork, but it's really nice work all the same.

 

LCK (partially windswept)

[oldgitplayer]

 

That's really nice work, OGP. I don't know if the new timbers will fit flush with Lenny's woodwork, but it's really nice work all the same. LCK (partially windswept)

 

 

Thanks - maybe there's a bit of Portsmouth blood left in me.

[LeonardScaper]

......maybe there's a bit of Portsmouth blood left in me.

 

 

I like where you took it.......a lot.

 

Will we get to hear your arrangement?

 

I'll be tweaking for a day or so and then I'll update the link to this one with a remix that has the verse changes.

 

The retake on the vocals came out much better.......so glad to have done it.

[oldgitplayer]

Thanks Lenny - I'm glad you like it.

I'm looking forward to hearing how you've moved the song forward. There's been a fair few winds in its sails.

 

As for hearing my arrangement (or rendition is probably a more accurate term) - I'm not sure that I'm up to it. When I say I'm a poor singer, I mean it.

I haven't heard a demo yet on this forum that comes anywhere near as weak as my singing.

My comfort zone is composing and writing the stuff - not performing. And I'm pretty new to this writing game as well, so I prefer to build these skills for the moment.

[Ontological]

Sounds awesome Lenny. Great job!:thu:

[LeonardScaper]

Thanks so much Mr. Trotter.

I tracked a new version a bit earlier........

Coming Out Of Dry Dock

This has been a wonderful production collaboration and my sincere thanks to you folks for taking the time to help me with this one. I love the lyric changes......made this song quite special for me.

Just an old sailboat who is stuck in this harbor
Hard sailed by my captain
And too long on the sea
With lines weakened
And sail cloth in tatters
from a hurricane off Hatteras
I slipped into this bay

Where the wind blows by me
Out on the sea
And the waves in the distance
No longer call to me

The hand of a master shaped me in the shipyard
Only the finest
Such was my lore
With the lines of a schooner
And the power of the waves
Was the pride of the fishing fleet on the Carolina shore

Now seabirds surround me
As I wait in the lee
While the ships om the sound
Speak to my destiny

Now I'm coming out of dry dock
My sails are mended and my rigging is new
I've been waiting here in dry dock
But the waiting is through

I'm coming out of dry dock
Coming out of dry dock
'Cause the waiting is through

Now I know I look different but I'm still the same
Though my decks may be varnished
And my compasses new
I have a new sextant
I wear a new name
But deep in my hold lie the beams of my youth

And I'm coming out of dry dock

[LCK]

Very nicely done, Lenny. Another home run.

 

I love the little "accordion" fillip at the end.

 

LCK

[Monkey Uncle]

Man, that sounds great, Lenny. I've finally figured out what it is that really gets me about this song. After the first verse, when you sing "where the wind blows by me out on the sea," that melodic twist is better than any chorus hook could ever be. What note in the scale are you hitting on the word "sea?"

[LeonardScaper]

I love the little "accordion" fillip at the end.

 

 

Yeah...thanks. That accordian patch on the old Ensoniq synth didn't sound much like an accordian but it worked in this context.

[grace_slick]

[stickboymusic]

Lenny this is a special song and i must say again your finest song yet.

 

Seriously its so beautiful

 

It may be way past considering changes at this stage but the only line i could suggest is

 

My lines have been weakened

And sail cloth in tatters

 

mainly as the line felt it needs a few more words just to keep the flow

 

Its a great great song.

[LeonardScaper]

I can't tell you how much that means to me, my friend.........

Regarding that particular line......I struggled with grammatical correctness there. I wanted it to read.....

With lines weakened and sailcloth in tatters from a hurricane off Hatteras, I slipped into the bay. From a sentence structure standpoint, it still doesn't quite work.

I SO much wanted to sing that line exactly as you suggest instead.

Hey Grace.....write me a song, FFS.