Members Monkey Uncle Posted January 30, 2012 Members Share Posted January 30, 2012 Several months ago the hook line for a song popped into my head: If I live to regret it, at least I'll know I'm still alive Since then, I've been trying to build a song around it, but I haven't made much progress. So, I figured I'd post the fragment I have and see if you think it's worth pursuing. I'm not asking you to write my lyrics for me, I'm just hoping your discussion of what works and what doesn't might awaken my slumbering creativity. These lyrics are mostly just placeholders. They get at the general attitude and feel of the song, but I need to come up with something that doesn't sound like a string of bland cliches. The only line I'm really wedded to at this point is the hook line at the end. http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11403241&q=hi&newref=1 I've been living like a dead man walkingJust waiting for the warden to come flip the switchRunning on my little wheel, I've got to stealJust to make somebody else rich They're telling me I've got to keep my head down lowGot to stay in my place, can't upset the status quoBut I need to see more than the tail of the dog in front of meIt's time to buck the traces, turn left and go And if I live to regret it, at least I'll know I'm still alive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted January 30, 2012 Members Share Posted January 30, 2012 I think "If I live to regret it, at least I'll know I'm alive" could work with so many different story lines. So, instead of just tweaking and growing the lyrics, perhaps take a step back and look at the other possibilities.... 1. Bad marriage you leave... If I live to regret it, at least I'll know I'm alive2. Unemployed no money bank robbing... If I live to regret it, at least I'll know I'm alive3. Stealing from "the man"... If I live to regret it, at least I'll know I'm alive etc. It's a great hook line and there are many many possibilities to choose from! Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 30, 2012 Moderators Share Posted January 30, 2012 V1I've been living like a dead man walkingJust waiting for the warden to come flip the switchRunning on my little wheel, I've got to stealJust to make somebody else rich V2They're telling me I've got to keep my head down lowGot to stay in my place, can't upset the status quoBut I need to see more than the tail of the dog in front of meIt's time to buck the traces, turn left and go Tag lineAnd if I live to regret it, at least I'll know I'm still alive. That's an awesome title and tag line. I feel your pain. Come up with a great idea and now you've got to write something worthy to hold it afloat. OK, I love the 1st verse. I don't love the 2nd verse. V1 absolutely nails that nose to the grindstone dead man walking. With V2, your tone, your rhyme scheme, your rhythm, they all change. Maybe you were going for a chorus? Others may disagree but I'd trash the V2, all the while keeping the lyric available for lifting stuff from. Then I'd write another verse staying adamantly in line with V1 and all it's structural elements. Rhythm, tones, rhyme scheme, stress count. Then, or maybe first, I'd write a chorus backward from your payoff line. The chorus might be just another line. Writing backward is fun. I frequently use a rhyming dictionary when I'm lost and need a swift kick in the nads. And if I live to regret itat least I'll know I'm still alive Regret it and alive seems likely candidates for rhyme. "Regret it" is kinda fun cause you can do one of those "leave-the-last-word-rhyme-the-word-before" deals. So rhyme regret. And look for something that works with "it" Forget itSweat itThread itI'll bet itOffset itReset itUpset it That kinda stuff gets my story making machine oiled and ready. Right there, the rhymes start suggesting where you might go to build to your payoff line. OK, "alive". Take fiveSurvive (cliche alert)nose diveTest drivePower diveSwan dive Sometimes, just wanna forget itRight off the edge in same flaming swan diveBut if I live through this to regret itAt least I'll know I'm still alive Naw, but... that's how I start getting ideas to work with something that I know is cool. Work backward. Look for opposites to use as your dramatic foe on the other side of the lyric teeter totter. In my test case, I clued into the idea of living through it. So the opposite is, not living through it. Swan Dive suggests some dramatic, give up the ghost and end it all picture. Look for patterns and meaning in the rhymes. The pattern and theme in my case was "opposites". A lot of times ideas just pop out by finding rhymes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted January 30, 2012 Members Share Posted January 30, 2012 Since then, I've been trying to build a song around it, but I haven't made much progress. So, I figured I'd post the fragment I have and see if you think it's worth pursuing. I'm not asking you to write my lyrics for me, I'm just hoping your discussion of what works and what doesn't might awaken my slumbering creativity.These lyrics are mostly just placeholders. They get at the general attitude and feel of the song, but I need to come up with something that doesn't sound like a string of bland cliches. The only line I'm really wedded to at this point is the hook line at the end.http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11403241&q=hi&newref=1I've been living like a dead man walkingJust waiting for the warden to come flip the switchRunning on my little wheel, I've got to stealJust to make somebody else richThey're telling me I've got to keep my head down lowGot to stay in my place, can't upset the status quoBut I need to see more than the tail of the dog in front of meIt's time to buck the traces, turn left and goAnd if I live to regret it, at least I'll know I'm still alive.Yes, definitely lots of potential and your placeholder lyrics have some good ideas, too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted January 30, 2012 Members Share Posted January 30, 2012 ^^^ Good call with building the rhyme with regret Just going over the lyrics you have posted, I think you could make them stronger by loosing the simile in the opening line. Using 'like' isn't bold enough for what you are trying to say. Saying you 'are' a dead man walking would make it more immediate. And quantifying it terms of time would instantly give some perspective and make it more believable. For 3 years I've been a dead man walking Just waiting for the warden to come flip the switchRunning on my little wheel, I've got to stealJust to make somebody else rich Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 30, 2012 Members Share Posted January 30, 2012 This is a powerful idea and should make a strong song.Writing about Death Row requires authenticity in atmosphere and detail, so I think it's worth doing a bit of research so you can capture the detail. I didn't know that the chair was still in use in the US today. I thought it was all lethal injection now.And would it be a warder performing the final action? I doubt it. Probably an executioner. Regardless - a man with 3 years to contemplate his death would have some previously unthought thoughts pass through his mind.And the final details like 'the indifferent needle delivering death' or 'the last embrace a man receives by straps of hard leather'. That sort of thing. Anyway - I think some research or a re-viewing of the movie, 'Dead Man Walking' might help you along with the writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted January 31, 2012 Author Members Share Posted January 31, 2012 Thanks a bunch, guys. Your feedback should help get me off square one. Rick, yes I definitely need to figure out what this story is about. I don't really want to create a concrete situation, but I do need to decide whether this is a case of a) criminal desperation, b) bad personal situation, c) frustration with a mundane life, or something else. Right now I've got elements of all of those. Lee, you are a fountain of good ideas. I definitely like the idea of building a chorus around the "regret it" rhyme. And I also like V1 better both musically and lyrically, though I'm still not sure the death row simile works juxtaposed with the hamster wheel metaphor. Death row could work for all three situations above, but the hamster wheel leans more toward scenario c. Rhino and OldGit, I'll have to stew on your input some more. I didn't set out to write a literal song about death row, though that is a possibility that might be worth exploring. But I think I'll probably stick with using it as a metaphor for this guy's sucky life. And you're right, the US doesn't use the chair any more. Well, some states might still give the condemned person a choice between an injection and one of the more traditional methods, but I can't recall any executions by a method other than injection in the last 20 years or so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 31, 2012 Moderators Share Posted January 31, 2012 ...though I'm still not sure the death row simile works juxtaposed with the hamster wheel metaphor. Death row could work for all three situations above, but the hamster wheel leans more toward scenario c. I agree with you. I'd replace the wheel with something that grounds us more in reality. As of yet, it didn't seem you were writing about death row. You're writing about the shell of the man. Burnt. I love the first four lines minus the wheel. You might even drop the word "to" in the 2nd line after "warden" to make it more conversational like so: V1I've been living like a dead man walkingJust waiting for the warden, come flip the switch But the idea of having to steal to make someone else rich, that's to good to lose. We all get that. So it's the wheel metaphor that confuses. Why not just ground it at this point. You've already got a lot of colorful ideas in these 4 lines. Another honest day's work, I've got to stealJust to make somebody else rich Find a way to get us back to the day to day grind. Leave the metaphors at that point and get us to work with you. Playing off of stealing, and using a opposites motive, you could point out the sad reality. Stealing/honest day's work I've been living like a dead man walkingJust waiting for the warden, come flip the switchAnother honest day's work, I've got to stealJust to make somebody else rich Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted January 31, 2012 Members Share Posted January 31, 2012 Rhino and OldGit, I'll have to stew on your input some more. I didn't set out to write a literal song about death row, though that is a possibility that might be worth exploring. But I think I'll probably stick with using it as a metaphor for this guy's sucky life.And you're right, the US doesn't use the chair any more. Well, some states might still give the condemned person a choice between an injection and one of the more traditional methods, but I can't recall any executions by a method other than injection in the last 20 years or so. I might not have been clear. I still think you should use it as a metaphor, but instead of saying 'like' I think you can strengthen it by using bolder language. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 31, 2012 Moderators Share Posted January 31, 2012 I might not have been clear. I still think you should use it as a metaphor, but instead of saying 'like' I think you can strengthen it by using bolder language. I'm a dead man walkingJust waiting for the warden, come flip the switchAnother honest day's work, I've got to stealJust to make somebody else rich Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lane1777 Posted January 31, 2012 Members Share Posted January 31, 2012 Hello to you, thought i`d comment. hope you don`t mind me stick`n my two cents" in here. To me just a little less would be more..I have always thought if you yell smoke, people will see fire" lol but thats just me. I listened to the track more than once, I think its going to make a very good song. I've been living like a dead man walkingalways knowing they could flip the switch. Running on my little wheel I`ve createdI've got to steal Just to make.. somebody else rich. They're telling me I've got to keep my head down lowGot to stay in my place, can't upset the status quoBut I need to see more than the tail of the dog in front of meIt's time to buck the traces, [its time to go] I don`t know much about song writing, just my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted February 1, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 1, 2012 Great wordsmithing suggestions, all of you. Lee, I've been a little reluctant to give up the "wheel - steal" internal rhyme, but you're right, the story line is a little less strained without it. Plus, ditching it relieves me of the need to come up with a similarly clever internal rhyme in the next verse. I think I can nail down the first verse now. Time to get to work on the rest of it. Thanks to all of you for taking a little of your time to help out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members New Trail Posted February 1, 2012 Members Share Posted February 1, 2012 Hi! Just for fun I took some liberties with your lyrics!Hope you don't mind... "I'm like a dead man walkingWaiting for the switch to flipRunning in place foreverJust trying to keep a grip They tell me to keep my head downAnd just keep up the paceDon't upset the status quoAnd just stay in my place But there's more to life that thisThere's more in life to tryBut if I live to regret it, At least I'm still alive." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lane1777 Posted February 1, 2012 Members Share Posted February 1, 2012 woo-hoo! that reads so much better..good job. you worked that line in you liked so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted February 2, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 2, 2012 woo-hoo! that reads so much better..good job. you worked that line in you liked so much. ?? I'm not sure I understand what you're referring to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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