Members rsadasiv Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 Maybe he's attracted to heavy set gals... legitimately. Would make him interesting. That's what is holding him back from pursuing a career in acting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 Maybe he's attracted to heavy set gals... legitimately. Would make him interesting. Exactly. There was that too, I keep hearing Tom Waits lyrically, though I'll be going for more of a Father John Misty sound . But I'm not sure this is fitting into it right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 Just an idea for V2:What's a pretty thing like youA little thick but I'm not tellingPouring drinks in a dive off FairfaxWe do what we do when we have to, no matter what we're sellingLet's talk about your dreams over my placeI'll make it worth your whileSometimes you gotta charm the rank and file The second line doesn't add up. I don't see this guy telling a waitress she is thick unless you set it up as a compliment. And who is he not telling? Plus, there shouldn't be a space between "what's a pretty thing like you" and "pouring drinks..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 That's what is holding him back from pursuing a career in acting? holy crap!!!! I've got to adress that too! He's a shouldawhoulda guy. He beleives his "way with a social situation" is evidnece that he should be hanging with David Arrquete and acting in the latest indie smash. Or at least mentioned on E! News! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 When I hear thick describing a woman, I'm thinking body type... not exactly fat, but not thin either.The second line doesn't add up. I don't see this guy telling a waitress she is thick unless you set it up as a compliment.And who is he not telling? He's not telling her. I know now it doesn't work. But he's bedding the chunky and thinking she's chunky but saying (or not saying) whatever he can to close the deal. Cause he shoulda been an actor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 Maybe he's attracted to heavy set gals... legitimately. Would make him interesting. True, but then he isn't really acting by going after her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 True, but then he isn't really acting by going after her. yep. It's a mess and I dont' like this angle. It's too overtly mean as well. I think I need him selling cars. Or satellite TV. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 He's not telling her. I know now it doesn't work. But he's bedding the chunky and thinking she's chunky but saying (or not saying) whatever he can to close the deal. Cause he shoulda been an actor. got ya. That's what I figured but when you look at it next to your 1st verse it isn't as clear. I would actually use that as a formula to write the second. EDIT: something like this After work another waitress This one I wouldn't exactly call fatloosened up as her shift came to a closeIt's easy to be kind when they start to smile like that I said ????????????????A lie hidden in my smileSometimes you gotta charm the rank and file Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 ...1st verse... I would actually use that as a formula to write the second. Good idea. I need to use it as the blueprint. It works with the never saying coffee but talking around it. And he's not mean but he is an asshole. He's kinda self-clueless like Ricky Gervais' The Office character who "loves comedy". And believes the staff loves his. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 V2 Two deals closed by four thirty And halfway through a third Tell them what they wanna hear Watch me work and you'll find that yes in not a dirty word You look like sex in that Camaro Venus in profile Sometimes you gotta charm the rank and file Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 got ya. That's what I figured but when you look at it next to your 1st verse it isn't as clear. I would actually use that as a formula to write the second.EDIT: something like thisAfter work another waitress This one I wouldn't exactly call fatloosened up as her shift came to a closeIt's easy to be kind when they start to smile like that I said ????????????????A lie hidden in my smileSometimes you gotta charm the rank and file Nice rewrite^^^ I said "Have I seen you on TV?" But I think I'm moving from the bartender/waitress angle. See car lot king one post above ^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 Nice rewrite^^^ I said "Have I seen you on TV?"But I think I'm moving from the bartender/waitress angle. See car lot king one post above ^ That's good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 I'm getting closer to this guy, but: "a lie hidden in my smile" is a problem for me. If you are a good salesperson (which this guy is) you don't perceive what you just did as a lie. As soon as you realize what they would like to hear in that situation, it becomes true to you, or true enough, so that you believe it and can deliver it with a degree of sincerity. Under direct questioning, off the lot and in an unrelated social setting, you might admit that "god, she really did not look like sex in that Camaro". But the moment you say it, it feels good to you - there's no second guessing, or else you are not going to make it in sales for very long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 I'm getting closer to this guy, but: "a lie hidden in my smile"is a problem for me. If you are a good salesperson (which this guy is) you don't perceive what you just did as a lie. As soon as you realize what they would like to hear in that situation, it becomes true to you, or true enough, so that you believe it and can deliver it with a degree of sincerity. Under direct questioning, off the lot and in an unrelated social setting, you might admit that "god, she really did not look like sex in that Camaro". But the moment you say it, it feels good to you - there's no second guessing, or else you are not going to make it in sales for very long. Interesting point. Let me look at that a while. It should be an easy fix. Shame though, I liked the line. I could soften the Lie to "The truth buried beneath my smile"BTW, I updated V2 from the smile to:V2Two deals closed by four thirtyAnd halfway through a thirdTell them what they wanna hearWatch me work and you'll find that yes in not a dirty wordYou look like sex in that CamaroVenus in profileSometimes you gotta charm the rank and file Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members IllinoisJack Posted August 14, 2012 Members Share Posted August 14, 2012 The structure is good, the rhymes are good, the images are good. I just really don't get the premis. Why should you have been an actor? Should have been an actor instead of what your are? What are you? And who is the girl in the camaro? Important? If not, why is she mentioned? And why an actor? Why not a producer, director, real estate mogul, someone else who is famous and rich? It's not a bad tag line, but I'm still a little confused. But then I'm easily confused. I'm looking for a conclusion, a resolution. Maybe I'm just thick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 14, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 14, 2012 The structure is good, the rhymes are good, the images are good. I just really don't get the premis. Why should you have been an actor? Should have been an actor instead of what your are? What are you? And who is the girl in the camaro? Important? If not, why is she mentioned? And why an actor? Why not a producer, director, real estate mogul, someone else who is famous and rich?It's not a bad tag line, but I'm still a little confused. But then I'm easily confused. I'm looking for a conclusion, a resolution. Maybe I'm just thick. There you are! He soulda been an actor cause he's good at lying and he fancies himself and covets the attention of all those guys getting their picture in the paper and on TV E! And she's his customer at the car lot. He's smooth talking her. He think he's slick and resents his lot in life compared to Ryan Gosling's. Hence... he shoulda been an actor. Ever hear anybody say that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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