Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 First draft of an idea (UPDATING HERE AS I GO) I Shoulda Been an Actor V1I was pissed off at the waitressWho forgot that I said creamI pointed at my cup of blackI needed the caffeineI said, "When you get a chance"A lie hidden in my smileSometimes you gotta charm the rank and file CI shoulda been an actorI shoulda been a starYou can't have vision If you don't know who you areDo you know who you are?Or who you coulda been?I shoulda been an actor V2*Two deals closed by four thirtyAnd halfway through a thirdTell them what they wanna hearAnd no, yes in not a dirty wordYou look like sex in that CamaroVenus in profileSometimes you gotta charm the rank and file CI shoulda been an actorI shoulda been a starYou can't have vision If you don't know who you areDo you know who you are?Or who you coulda been?I shoulda been an actor BAn actorA gracious benevolent Hollywood benefactorAn actorBrass star in concrete name between Cher and Max FactorI shoulda been an actor *original V2Sidewalk flash from the paparazziI'd spend my summers on the stageImportant films are... well, importantI'd leave the blockbuster CGI to Ryan Gosling and Nick CageI'd adopt a kid of every colorTrying to keep a low profileSometimes you gotta charm the rank and file Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 I like the concept, but not crazy about where you take it in the last 3 verses. I'm more interested in how you "act" in your daily existence (as in the first verse) rather than some of the more banal aspects of contemporary celebrity culture. Tears of a Clown and all that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 The last is a bridge. I'll mark them. So... yeah, the first is the direction I should go in? Skip the dreaming, go specific things he does that convince him that he'd have been a good actor? The first works? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 I love the read. ;) Tickeled my funny bone. But rich, just the same. Except CGI & Ryan Gosling. What/who dat? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 I would avoid using real people's names... make it timeless. Unless this is a country song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 Fun. I'd like to see the chorus needs to end in a solid rhyme. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 I like the concept, but not crazy about where you take it in the last 3 verses. I'm more interested in how you "act" in your daily existence (as in the first verse) rather than some of the more banal aspects of contemporary celebrity culture. Tears of a Clown and all that. +1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 +1 +2 The bridge sounds like it would be fun to sing, so I wouldn't target that too heavily, but V2 could definitely use some of the V1 flair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 Fun. I'd like to see the chorus needs to end in a solid rhyme. It looks that way but I gotta plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 Very clever idea. I love this approach: we're told the story through the eyes of a character who's out to lunch, so to speak. I kind of like the verse mocking Hollywood royalty, but I also like the diner verse a little more. Just a technical note, the stars on the Hollywood walk of fame are fixed in cement, not concrete. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 +2The bridge sounds like it would be fun to sing, so I wouldn't target that too heavily, but V2 could definitely use some of the V1 flair. OK! Seems like the general consensus is that the up close scene of V1 works as the concept. Ditch the daydream Hollywood stuff. Concetrate on how wonderful he sees himself and the way he can negotiate the bumps of life in society. Through his charm and "acting". Yeah? First thought I had was driving on the Hollywood Freeway and being cutoff. But road rage is too far removed of an interaction. Maybe an exchange with a cop after being pulled over on the 101. Or... maybe giving a compliment to a chunky waitress in dive bar on Fairfax. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 Or... maybe giving a compliment to a chunky waitress in dive bar on Fairfax. You need to channel your inner-Chapin. [video=youtube;rgpbIPQl7CA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgpbIPQl7CA That's my friend and former bandmate John on bass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 Dinner theater and summer stockThe Music Man and The FantasticksApply my makeup and set my smile on lockBrush off my soft shoe and sell it to the hicks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 Very clever idea. I love this approach: we're told the story through the eyes of a character who's out to lunch, so to speak. I kind of like the verse mocking Hollywood royalty, but I also like the diner verse a little more. Just a technical note, the stars on the Hollywood walk of fame are fixed in cement, not concrete. LCK I liked the V2 also but do understand how some might feel it was incongruous with V1. My initial thought was of him mentally just taking off and dreaming once he had made the point of just how smooth he was. You know? V2 just going off into fantasy land. That was the initial thought. With regards to concrete vs. cement... yeah, but the cement is fixed to concrete. I was referring to the sidewalk, not the means of adhesive. Is that confusing? I was going for a montage of images. Brass star, names, sidewalk (concrete). No? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 Concrete has chunks of gravel, broken rocks, etc, mixed with cement and water. Sidewalks aren't usually built on top of concrete. Usually they're laid down on a layer of sand. Concrete is used for building foundations, for dams, major highways, etc. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 Concrete has chunks of gravel and broken rocks. Sidewalks aren't necessarily built on top of concrete. Usually they're built on top of a layer of sand. Concrete is used for building foundations, for major highways, etc. LCK Usually they are. You float the concrete with a trowel to sink the gravel getting a smooth top. Cement is a binder. Concrete is an aggregate that includes cement. But it doesn't matter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 Re-reading, I could see this being sung by an Ari Gold, from Entourage, type. That could make for a twist in the final verse... something something but I'm happy to be pulling the strings. Or it could be somebody who sees himself that way but really he is a stereotypical used car salesmen out in the Valley or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 I liked the V2 also but do understand how some might feel it was incongruous with V1. My initial thought was of him mentally just taking off and dreaming once he had made the point of just how smooth he was. You know? V2 just going off into fantasy land. That was the initial thought. With regards to concrete vs. cement... yeah, but the cement is fixed to concrete. I was referring to the sidewalk, not the means of adhesive. Is that confusing? I was going for a montage of images. Brass star, names, sidewalk (concrete). No? FWIW, I got the idea of V2, and I think it could work if the music changed. Not necessarily a major time, melodic or key change, but at least up the ante on the some general feel of V1. Make V2 more excited, enthusiastic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 Fun. I'd like to see the chorus needs to end in a solid rhyme. I should explain that. The rhyme is actually not at the end. I forget the term but you have an internal rhyme, then a repeating word after? And it's internal because we end on the non rhyme "actor". But it has weight because the whole phrase is repeated and is the title. So as long as I make it work musically, I should be able to make that sort of interesting. I think I hope. Or who you coulda been?I shoulda been an actor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 Or it could be somebody who sees himself that way but really he is a stereotypical used car salesmen out in the Valley or something. dingdingding! Great idea. "Instead of selling these old used cars" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 dingdingding!Great idea. "Instead of selling these old used cars" Actually, I would go with a new car salesman. Used cars have a bit of fantasy, but you never lose track of the underlying need for transportation and financial restrictions. New car salesman are largely selling a dream - it's the sales manager and the financing department that have to traffic in reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 Just an idea for V2: What's a pretty thing like youA little thick but I'm not tellingPouring drinks in a dive off FairfaxWe do what we do when we have to, no matter what we're sellingLet's talk about your dreams over my placeI'll make it worth your whileSometimes you gotta charm the rank and file Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 Just an idea for V2:What's a pretty thing like youA little thick but I'm not tellingPouring drinks in a dive off FairfaxWe do what we do when we have to, no matter what we're sellingLet's talk about your dreams over my placeI'll make it worth your whileSometimes you gotta charm the rank and file "Thick" as in dumb, or not quite with it? If so, couldn't it also connote a fat person? LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted August 13, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted August 13, 2012 "Thick" as in dumb, or not quite with it? If so, couldn't it also connote a fat person?LCK I had chunky at first. He's bedding the fatish bartender. But it all feels a stretch. I'm not sure how much of a dick this guy should be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted August 13, 2012 Members Share Posted August 13, 2012 Maybe he's attracted to heavy set gals... legitimately. Would make him interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.