Open That Gate

[tony333]

Sorry. Last one for a bit. Just a little excited. 

This is the latest one and I can't get it out of my head.

http://www.reverbnation.com/2ndhandsuspects/song/18903053-open-that-gate

 

Open That Gate

I

Got a long way to go

To get back to even

Not really sure about

The thing

[mbfrancis]

First off, the recording quality is great, nice actually.  (Maybe point it a little closer to your voice.  But with the words it

[Lee Knight]

I'm gonna skip the lyrics cause it looks like you're in good hands. So... Your chorus. It's the Same as the verse!

 

I can think of lots of cool places I'd like to go with that chorus. You're using the exact melody and chords as your verse. So picture maybe having your note values long. Whole notes. And go to different chords. Don't know what key you're in but say its G. So...

 

O(e).... pen(f#)..... (your)(g) gates(d)

Em.... D/F#... (G) C

 

Try to assume people are getting bored every bar and every section. Then look at your basic materials, and look to state, restate with mild deviation, state new.

 

123

 

1. State an idea

2. Restate same idea with small change

3. State new idea to cap off phrase or section

 

That's just one way to let your basic ideas have legs and carry your message.

 

You're sounding good, man. I hope you choose to try rewrites if you're interested. It's work but... Always worth it and it's what turns good into great.

 

[tony333]

Thanks for the feedback. I knew it was monotonous, was just not sure how to break it up. The song turned into being about a guy alone on his deathbed and trying to come to terms with his one regret., a lost love that he did wrong. The final lines " regrets I have none" was him coming to terms and passing at the same time. Throughout the song I tried to invoke him not being sure of his spiritual beliefs and hoping what he believed was true.

 

Again thanks for the thoughts, this is one I really want to get "right"

[mbfrancis]

Wow, man, you don't really mess around with topics - that's some heavy stuff!  Awesome.

I think your lyrics get you pretty far, but to communicate what you want to say, it probably needs some tightenting up and structure, and context.  Maybe start by setting the scene on your deathbed, and then the verses could be flashbacks?  I'd love to hear some nout from others, there are a few ways to do it that would make more sense and walk the listener through.

[tony333]

First rewrite. I changed some tenses, complete lines and shotened a bit. I am gonna give it a go this weekend and play around with the tempo a little bit as well. The only line I am still struggling with, and always have in this song is the slippery slope line. That will probabaly change at some point it just hasn't come to me yet.

 

I

Got a long way to go

To get back to even

Not really sure about

The thing

[oldgitplayer]

 

---

tony333 wrote:

 

First rewrite. I changed some tenses, complete lines and shotened a bit. I am gonna give it a go this weekend and play around with the tempo a little bit as well. The only line I am still struggling with, and always have in this song is the slippery slope line. That will probabaly change at some point it just hasn't come to me yet.

 

I

Got a long way to go

To get back to even

Not really sure about

The thing