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How about "Aging out spouses"?


ckcondon

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Along the lines of the other threads.
I'm 45, my wife is a couple of years older. She has always been supportive of my music addiction and usually goes to most shows with friends and dances all night.
Now her best friend who was her partner in crime at gigs has moved away, and the other spouses don't really come out.
It seems that she is kinda over the whole thing, and I don't really blame her. If I'm not gigging, I'm not hanging in bars. I can also see the support of my projects waning as she wants to spend more time doing other things.
Has anyone else had a spouse who was supportive along the way but eventually lost interest and made it more difficult to stay involved in a gigging band?

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Quote Originally Posted by ckcondon View Post
Has anyone else had a spouse who was supportive along the way but eventually lost interest and made it more difficult to stay involved in a gigging band?
I'm 56 ... my wife is 56 as well. We celebrated our 25th anniversary this past October. I was "between bands" when we first met - but was back to playing a relatively regular "weekend warrior" schedule within a year or so. In those days - she came out semi-regularly. Now, it's a rare indeed for my wife to come out to a gig (I've been playing with one of my projects for approximately a year now - and the closest she's come to hearing it has been to catch a rehearsal recording when she walks into my music room).

I am however, extremely fortunate. My wife was, is and has always been supportive of my playing. These days, I'm gigging 3-4 nights a month. If you figure that nominally there are 8 Friday and/or Saturday nights a month - that leaves 4-5 Friday and/or Saturday nights available for us to do whatever "couple" stuff we need to do. There are typically 2-3 "couple" events each year that she feels strongly are "must attend" things for me (typically weddings...). As long as I make sure I make "must attend" events - she never gives me any grief about playing.

The only time I ever find myself in the dog house is if I've had a little too much to drink and still drove home.
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My wife comes out about once or twice a month to gigs. I've been married 18 years and have played at least 2500 shows during that time- she's used to it. Gigging is the norm in my house. Sometimes I'll feel a little guilty because I'm seldom home Wed-Sat but it's always been that way. My wife complains when I'm not booked on the weekend. wink.gif

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I'm 43 tomorrow, wife is 44 in a couple months.

She came to see me play the night after we'd met, which is how I knew she was interested. We've been together a little over 10 years, and she has always known me as a gigging (and rehearsing) musician, initially doing all originals projects, and all covers for the past few years, often with a "primary " band and another 2-3 side projects going all at the same time.

I'd say in the entire time we've been together, she's seen me play maybe 15-20 times across all the acts I've been with, and maybe three or four times max in the past two years.

I don't press her to come, she doesn't press me about doing the gigs. I can live with that.

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I'm 51, my wife is 47. We've been together about 14 years. I met her "between bands" and while I had told her I used to play in bands, I never went into much detail. She had no idea the extent to which I did it. When I decided to get back into playing, she easily could have been resistant and, IMO, had the right to do so since I couldn't pull the "you knew what you were getting into" card with her. But instead she was super-supportive. Even to the point of saying she'd be fine with me going back out on the road if I wanted to.

When I was playing local bars she'd come out if she didn't have to be up for work the next morning. Since we had a kid 5 years ago, she rarely comes out at all anymore. I wish she would because she's a good photographer/videographer. Occassionally we'll turn an overnighter into a mini vacation if it's in a nice location. Have a gig in Half Moon Bay at the end of January and we're thinking about bringing her out for that.

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Quote Originally Posted by Chicken Monkey

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... I've learned to quit telling her about the female interest I receive--she doesn't like those stories.

 

I take a different tact on this facet of gigging. When I finally get home and crawl into bed after a gig - I always get the sleepy "How was your gig?" question. My usual response is "Great! We were rockin' tonight ... chicks were diggin' me!!!!" Her usual response is another sleepy "That's nice...."
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Quote Originally Posted by SpaceNorman

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I take a different tact on this facet of gigging. When I finally get home and crawl into bed after a gig - I always get the sleepy "How was your gig?" question. My usual response is "Great! We were rockin' tonight ... chicks were diggin' me!!!!" Her usual response is another sleepy "That's nice...."

 

When we were playing bars, I'd come home and my wife would ask if we got any boobie-flashes that night. If I'd reply "no", she'd ask "we'll what were guys doing wrong tonight?"
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Quote Originally Posted by guido61 View Post
When we were playing bars, I'd come home and my wife would ask if we got any boobie-flashes that night. If I'd reply "no", she'd ask "we'll what were guys doing wrong tonight?"
Having that kind of understanding and support from family sure makes pursuing music fun don't it? I'm gonna guess that like me - you too - find other ways to strike a balance between music and family life. It's just so much easier when your partner doesn't judge that balance solely by how many Friday and/or Saturday nights you're not at home.

Having played with guys whose wives made their musician lives a living hell - I thank my lucky stars that my wife "gets it" instead of trying to stop me from doing something that I love.
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Quote Originally Posted by SpaceNorman View Post
Having that kind of understanding and support from family sure makes pursuing music fun don't it? I'm gonna guess that like me - you too - find other ways to strike a balance between music and family life. It's just so much easier when your partner doesn't judge that balance solely by how many Friday and/or Saturday nights you're not at home.

Having played with guys whose wives made their musician lives a living hell - I thank my lucky stars that my wife "gets it" instead of trying to stop me from doing something that I love.
Any spouse who has that sort of jealousy would spill over into other parts of life as well. I can't imagine spending an entire marriage needing to walk-around a jealous wife. I see guys in those sorts of relationships and wonder how they live that way. I was just relating a story in another thread about a guitarist I know who was telling me he recently divorced his wife because the jealousy thing finally got to be too much and told me that the reason he pulled out of a project we tried to start up together a few years ago was because his wife couldn't stand the fact that there was a female vocalist in the band.

Just nonsense for adults to behave that way, IMO.

But a marriage has to be a two way street as well. As much as she is supportive of my music and my day job, I try to be supportive of her work and activities as well. Pretty much every night this week she's called me asking me to pick up the kid from the sitter because she needs to work late. Puts me out to do that, as I have to reschedule some of my stuff, but my stuff is easier to reschedule than hers and so I do it gladly. I pitch a fit about that sort of stuff, and maybe she's not so understanding about me needing to go out of town 30 weekends a year....
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Quote Originally Posted by guido61

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When we were playing bars, I'd come home and my wife would ask if we got any boobie-flashes that night. If I'd reply "no", she'd ask "we'll what were guys doing wrong tonight?"

 

Our band never gets flashed--we're a singer-songwriter type roots act. I'm 15-20 yrs younger than the overweight and greying rest of the band, so I've got women who want to {censored} me specifically rather than flash the band generally. It used to delight my wife hearing that I was a valuable commodity, now she'd rather not hear about the "competition".
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My wife is supportive and let's me have my fun, but she rarely comes to shows. In fact, other than the occasional party at the singer's house, I think she has only seen us at a bar once. Someone has to watch the kids and we don't have family in the area and are too cheap to pay a babysitter. That, and she doesn't really care for the music we play.

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My wife and I have been together for six and a half years, married for two and a half. She has gone from loving being on the road watching me with my band, to coming every night unless she was sick or visiting family, to now picking and choosing the times she will watch us. I can see a time where she will miss more and more gigs to a point where I'll be lucky if she sees us half the time. I don't think she'll ever completely stop watching us, but her enthusiasm for it has definitely waned over the years.

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I'm not married.. but a few girlfriends have lived with me in the past, and the current one does as well. She comes to see the band some nights, she stays home some nights, and she goes out with friends some nights. Whatever works for her is fine.

Like Potts said.. I'm generally gone Wed-Sat (not so much at the moment.. just lost a 2 year long running Wed. gig, meh..).. but there are bills to be paid.



The concept of a girlfriend or spouse getting too old and wanting me to stop playing music is silly.. that's what I do as a source of income. The idea of a g/f or spouse deciding the bar scene is no longer for her and staying home? That's understandable, and doesn't bother me in the least.

Although, I'll be honest. By the time I hit my 40s... I'd like to think I'll be playing in places other than bars!

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My wife never missed a gig until she got pregnant with our first child in 2000. She did manage to attend most of the shows until she was in her third trimester, though. Since then she's come to a grand total of 5 shows, I think. Priorities. smile.gif

It's unfortunate, though, in the sense that I'm a much better musician now and I sing lead (and am thus the focus of attention) most of the time. The last show she came to was a little over a year ago, and it was awesome to have her there. She was so supportive and complimentary - kind of blown away at how good we sounded as a band and how much I had improved as a singer - though she was always very encouraging in that department - I'd never be the singer I am without that support. So I have my wife to thank for being cool and encouraging instead of like a good friend of mine's wife who pretty much crapped all over his desire to gig (he is a terrific bassist). Having her "get it" and understand that I need this, that music is just a part of me, is one of her many cool features.

I know she has no desire to hang out in bars, though, and I don't think she particularly loved it even back in the old days...there were always cool people to hang out with back then, though - that old band really was like a family, and all the wives/girlfriends/friends/brothers made it out on a regular basis.

It's how the OP and I became friends, really! He auditioned for my band, then our drummer ended up not quitting. Then he formed a band, and he'd come see my band, I'd go see his...then I joined his after mine called it quits. smile.gif
Brian V.

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Quote Originally Posted by Kramerguy View Post
I do whatever the hell I want. If she gives me any lip, she's welcome to leave. It's my life, not hers. Married or not, no man should let his wife control him or his hobbies, that's not a relationship, it's a dictatorship.
I understand your point - and agree 100% that nobody should be controlled by another.

However, when you express it in the manner you have - how do you reconcile the "I do whatever the hell I want" with the "...that's not a relationship, it's a dictatorship" comment?

If my wife took the "I do whatever the hell I want. If he give me any lip, he's welcome to leave" approach - I'd certainly view THAT as dictatorial in it's own right.
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I'm 35 and Mrs Squid is 38, so I'm guessing were a little younger than the BWTB average, and I guess it's hard to say what the future holds, but so far my wife has come to every gig I've had unless she was sick or something really big interfered. I've let her know she shouldn't feel bad if she wants to take I night off sometimes, but her answer is always that she wouldn't think of it. It probably helps that I typically gig only 1-4 times a month and it's just one set, plus it's not like most gigs are crazy debauchery. Also, she's a music journalist on the side and resigned to the occasional sleep-deprived workday. I don't know if I'll be gigging more, less, or the same in ten years and how this will change, but we're both working hard to stay in good health and "young" in our attitudes, so I think we've both still got some time hanging in clubs left in us.

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I'll offer a different perspective from the "steadily gigging single drummer" standpoint and how that's worked!

I'm 31 and live with my girlfriend of just shy of a year, and when we met, I didn't have a gig slated for a month, which was nice: gave me more time with her. But I told her "I gig 2-3 times a month" and so far, that hasn't been an issue at all. The key for me is that I never ask of her to go to a show unless "it's a big gig," at which point I tell her well in advance so she can skip other ones.

It doesn't hurt that she's my age, likes the music, dancing, etc - very friendly and supportive, too. She has fun hanging with the crowd and gets along with everybody, including the bar staff and my bandmates. I really got lucky, frankly.

But yeah, I would never push her to come to a show for the heck of it. This is MY job and hobby, not hers. Sure, it's awesome when she's there, but not every couple needs to share the passion for music.

For example, my bassist buddy's wife probably comes to 2 gigs a year. It's his thing, not hers, but she supports him fully and doesn't give him junk for it -- she does the same thing with her weekly "girls night" she still has.

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